Warnings

☞ trigger warning

☞ strong language

I think what wounded me the most was the fact that he so easily and seemingly carelessly packed his bags and left without sparing a glance back at me- at everything we had together. It pierced painfully and lastingly at my heart, while Niall flashed crinkly smiles to the cameras and sported ecstatically flushed cheeks after his performances, effortlessly.

"I love you, Ni." I giggled as I cuddled up to Niall.

"I love you too, Haz."

These words were such a lovely lullaby.

"Promise me we will always be together." I pleaded slightly as I looked up to meet his azure eyes.

Stupidly foolish.

"I promise you Harry that I'll call you mine, give you my heart and hold you close infinitely." Niall said as he sealed our promise with a sweetly passionate kiss.

Lies. Lies. Lies.

He promised me infinity, but he broke that, and I couldn't help but fall apart. Just like how our relationship did.

He has told me time and time before that nothing would come between us, nothing would tear us apart. It is kind of ironic how he himself came to be that something.

Fame.

Such a stupid label. Niall is famous now . . . and I'm not. This is why Niall deemed me worthless of his precious time; why he broke up with me. Everything I was to him seemed to have faded into nothing. I became nothing to Niall, insignificant.

How fucking unfortunate.

So much for wanting me to become a Horan eh? How could everything just . . . dissipate?

I guess we were nothing but a fucking lie.

I have come to terms with the situation though. I just was not enough of a reason for Niall to reveal his sexuality and announce our relationship for the world to see and criticize. Our love wasn't worth blowing his inchoate career; I wasn't worth it.

My world fell apart through a phone call. I always shook my head in disapproval and slight disbelief whenever I saw anyone breaking someone's heart via a piece of metal, and since life has a funny way of dealing its cards, that is exactly what happened to me.

Niall's words, devoid of empathy, were pounding throughout my skull forcefully, like their next mission was to crack an opening across my brain and set themselves free, but my all too broken heart would not allow them.

I needed to feel, may it be entirely pain.

"Nialler!!" I exclaimed ecstatically since I haven't heard from him for a while now.

"Hello Harry." He greeted me coolly, his voice lacking the usual excitement it held whenever he called me. It worried me a little.

"Are you okay baby?" I asked concernedly, not prepared for the bomb he was about to drop onto me.

"Listen Harry, I don't have much time to spare, so I will make this quick for my sake and yours. I don't think it would be good for the both of us to continue seeing each other since I won't be announcing my sexuality anytime soon, probably never. I don't want to do the whole long distance relationship thing anymore; it's just a distraction, and right now, that is far from what I need for my fresh career, and there is no reason for me to blow it over when it barely just started. Take care Harry. I wish you the best, goodbye."

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I am nothing.

He said it himself; there was no reason for him to blow what he just started to have.

A month later, boldly capitalized headlines swamped me from all directions, almost mockingly.

Niall was more than fine after all. A selfish part of me was hoping that he would at least feel a bit regretful, feel some pain, but no, Niall was dating someone else now, loving someone else, and of course this someone was a girl, how fucking hypocritical.

Emptiness would be the most apt description of what occupied my heart. It's a feeling that overwhelmed me scarily fast the moment Niall pressed the end button on his phone; he virtually shut me down as well.

He had my delicate heart in his hands, but he mercilessly toyed with it and then eschewed it dangerously onto the curb once he was done loving me.

I loved him unconditionally and foolishly thought he did too. He gave me everything, made my heart soar to unfathomable altitudes, somewhere I thought was unreachable, but with him felt so easy and tangible. Then, in the blink of an eye, he malignantly dropped it to the ground.

I couldn't help but wonder, is living with an irreversibly broken heart even worth it? Was my life worth this much pain?

Thinking about Harry was probably my only break in life. Whenever I went through the endless pictures of us on my phone compunction greatly overwhelmed me, yet a soothing sensation enveloped me as well; it was bittersweet.

When I was put under the harsh dilemma of choosing between Harry and my career, I inanely chose my career. I fucking regretted it.

What's the point of living my dream if the person I wanted to share everything with was not by my side?

I cannot begin to imagine the amount of pain and torture I put him through. I made it seem like he was so worthless to me; it would have definitely tore me apart if I were him.

I had to fake dating Ella for publicity, and it made me want whatever I had right now less. I had everything but Harry, and it felt like I had nothing since he was my everything after all.

I requested the rest of the month off because I was too emotionally drained and unstable to deal with concerts and fans. I planned on just hibernating in my flat in Holmes Chapel, relishing in the fact that Harry was so close . . . yet so far away.

I spent hours reminiscing all the ethereal memories we created together, all the love that we made; they were basically all I had left.

My phone beeped signaling that I had a new voicemail from . . . Harry? I bewilderedly stared at my phone for awhile, obfuscated with the fact that Harry actually sent me a voicemail. Hands shaking, I opened it.

Hey Niall, it's Harry . . . in case you don't have my number anymore. I just wanted to tell you that I . . . I love you. I love you so fucking much, even after what you have done to me, I could not find it in myself to hate you. I just . . . was it that easy for you Niall? That easy to just leave? I remember cringing at the mere thought of us being apart from each other, and it made me feel so fucking retarded when you easily abandoned me. You told me there was no reason for you to blow your career. . . that hurt me more than I care to admit to. How fucking dare you Niall James . . . how fucking dare you say that there was no reason when you've promised me countless times before that I am your reason, your everything? How did we come down to this Niall? I guess these are just a bunch of questions I will never know the answers to. I hope that one day you'll find a person who is worthy of risking everything for because to me, that person is you, Niall. I'm glad that I stayed enough on earth to be able to feel so in love with you; it was the most enticing feeling to me while it lasted. I love you so much that the fact that this is your voicemail is enough to bring peace to my heart and to finally help me leave without a weight on my shoulders. I don't want to stay in a world knowing that I was not enough for the love of my life; it kills me Niall.

Forever and always yours. I love you baby.

All my senses seemed to have heightened as the phone fell out of my shaky grasp and crashed obstreperously onto the ground.

Harry was. . . leaving?

With terrified alacrity, I grabbed my car keys, barely slammed the door shut and broke several if not all speed limits trying to reach Harry's house.

Images of his lifeless body flashed around my mind, and I almost drove myself into a tree.

I just hope I'm not too late.

I leant languidly against the foot of my bed, clenching a bottle of pills as tight as my shaking hands would allow me to.

I wondered if Niall listened to the voicemail I left him? Probably not. He doesn't have time for a distraction like me anymore.

I uncapped the bottle and poured all its contents onto the palm of my hand. I lay there and stared at them for a while. It never occurred to me that this is what I would make out of my life . . . that suicide is what I would resolve to. I was almost sure that I would grow old with Niall and die in his arms like all these numerous cliché movies we watched together. I always thought that Niall and I would have our forever; I guess I was too naïve.

I wasted no time in dumping the pills down my throat, not wanting to spend another useless or doubtful thought on this.

It only took minutes for me to begin to feel the deadly and sadistically calming effect of the poisonous pills consuming my entire being; I was finally letting go.

I didn't put up a fight trying to keep my eyes open and my heart beating; on the contrary, I willingly let the twisted darkness lull me into the inevitable.

I had no reason for life anymore.

I burst into Harry's room and gasped in horror at the sight that met me. Harry lay there, looking so frail and void of all elements of life whatsoever.

Once my almost immobile limbs started moving on their own accord, as my mind was still rendered frozen with shock, I carried Harry's emaciated body to my car and raced down the streets once again, this time to the godforsaken hospital.

Harry was immediately rushed into the emergency room, with frantic nurses and doctors bustling all around him; it made the fucked up situation feel that much more real.

I've been sitting in front of the door to the room into which Harry was taken in for what felt like hours. My guilty thoughts were whirring around my head like a destructive whirlpool.

It's all your fault.

I shook my head and willed my tears not to flood my cheeks. Harry's going to be okay. There's no need to cry. He's going to be just fine, and when he comes out I'll take him back and make it up to him.

You killed him.

No he won't die, he can't die. My Harry is strong; he can't give up that easily.

You're the reason he did this.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when a very sombre looking doctor came out of the room. I rushed to him, questions tumbling out of my lips.

"Is he alright doctor? Can I see him now?" I asked out of breath.

"I'm deeply sorry, Mr. Horan, but it was already too late. More than half of the medicine was already dissolved in his blood plasma. His heart flatlined before we could pump the rest of it out of his blood. We tried our best." He gravely apologized.

My legs gave out beneath me and I fell to my knees. I could hear my heart beating loudly in my chest. I screamed incessantly as loud cries tore their way out of my mouth.

No. This can't be happening.

My Harry is actually dead. Dead. Gone.

I will never get the chance to see his verdant irises which glinted with this ingenuous sparkle that I adored so much again; I will never get the chance to apologize to him and explain myself and tell him why I did what I have done.

He thinks it's his fault I left him. I made him feel worthless enough for him to eventually turn to ending his own life.

I wanted to tell him that he's worth everything; that he's the most beautiful creature I have ever laid my eyes upon. I wanted to feel the taste of his sweet lips on mine again, to hold him close and listen to his steady heartbeat as I laid my head on his chest, to put a ring on his finger and give him my last name, to adopt children with him, to show him the world and explore it with him, and I wanted to do so many things with Harry, but my own selfishness and stupidity caused me to lose him forever.

I choked out another sob and screamed,

"I love you Harry Styles, so fucking much. Couldn't you have waited just a little more baby? I'm sorry, so sorry. You promised you would never leave me alone Harry, so why am I here now?"

But then I realized, I broke that promise first. I left him all alone to fend for his broken heart that I had once promised I would keep safe and never shattered.

A•N•

2450 words.

My first one shot ever; what do you think of that?

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Thank you lovelies.

-x