جانے کیسی ناراضگی ہے اس کو ہم سے

پانا بھی نہیں چاہتے اور کھونے سے بھی ڈرتے ہیں

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Getting him to fall sleep wasn't simply a easy task as I imagined it to be. I couldn't comprehend what made him actually ask me to help him fall asleep.

This little guy of four years old that looked a lot like my Jaana never actually tried to have a conversation with me. Jahangir was afraid of me. This fact wasn't unknown to anyone.

It was proving to be difficult to make him see me as a someone soft hearted person added up with my intimidating personality. It didn't help much and I was actually very lost in this situation.

But to my surprise, Today this little guy was exhibiting bravery which was too much for his small body. The little guy that I thought was unable to speak actually demanded me to tell him a story after we were done with his daily duaas.

It was surprisingly delightful. The yellowish glow of dinasour lamp was illuminating his small chubby face. Those round chocolate brown eyes were still wide open, staring at the ceiling.

"Ankhe abhe tk q khule howe hai? (Why are your eyes still open?)"

I tried to keep my tone mild and soft but with the way that he blinked his small eyes. I could tell that my voice didn't came out as soft as I imagined it to.

"So jao.. (Sleep.)" I was about to turn off the lamp when his small hand grabbed on to the sleeve of my right hand.

"Kiya Ap Jane lage hai? (Are you going to leave?)"

This was the first time that he put such a question before me. Somehow, when he didn't say much and not even questioned this unusual arrangement. It felt like he didn't really notice it or thought much about it. Now, I guess it was another thing that we didn't notice.

"Baba, kiya ap hamare sath ni reh sakte, jistarha mere friends k sath unke baba rehte hai. (Baba, Can't you live with us like my friends have their baba living with them.)"

His small round eyes looked at me from underneath, with hands tugging on blanket, showing his nervousness. This action of his was so much similar to that of his mother that I couldn't help but picture her in my mind.

"Apko apki mama ne kiya bataya hai? (What did your mama tell you?)"

I looked at the ceiling, waiting for the explanation that Noor gave. He must have asked her before collecting the bravery to ask me. He must haven't been satisfied with her explanation that he felt the need to ask me this question.

"Mama kehte hai k apke job Laaho (Lahore) me hote hai. Ap is leye hamare sath Salambad (Islamabad) ni reh sakte. (Mama told me that that your job is in Lahore so that why you can't live in Islamabad with us.)"

His small voice and those unblinking eyes, whispered each word.

"Apki mama theak kehte hai. (Your mother is right.)"

I expected this to be end of our very first conversation with his energy and remaining bravery being used up in these minutes. But, he surprised me with his sudden question.

"Per baba, kiya hum apke sath laaho ni reh sakte. Mujhe ap dono k sath rehna hai. (But baba, Can we not live with you in Lahore. I want to live with both of you.)"

The innocent question which ended in an innocent very first direct request had me in silence. It wasn't something that I could explain. It wasn't something that was up to me.

"So jao abhe. (Sleep for now.)" I turned off the lamp ending the conversation for now.

"Is per subha souche ge. (We will think about it in morning.)"

I couldn't help but add seeing this hopeful look in those awaiting round eyes. Even I knew, We wouldn't be able to discuss, as by morning, I would be gone.

My thoughts run wild as I waited for him to fall asleep. Somethings weren't easy to explain to kids. This was one of those. How do you explain the complicated relationships of adulthood which to this date even we adults don't understand well?

"So geya hai? (Has he fallen asleep?)".

Her voice pulled me out from my head, making me realize the time. Putting on the shoes, I replied.

"It seems so."

Swiftly I took the jacket in between my arms. My eyes didn't dare to meet her because there was no doubt that I would be lost.

I knew she was following me behind as I climbed down the streets. My feet moved fast to get myself away from her. This time, my emotions were reaching a boiling point. And the last thing which we needed was their eruption.

"Jahan."

She called out my name breathlessly. I stopped right there. How couldn't I have? Even through, I knew that this wouldn't make a difference.

Turning on my heels, My eyes drank her. The baby pink long chiffon frock with net duppata of same colour. She looked ethereal just like before, maybe even more.

It has been long since I looked at her this way. Like it was in my right. My lost state wasn't maybe visible to her eyes.

"Mane kabhi apko theak tarah se shukria ni kaha, haina. (I never thanked you enough, right?)"

My brows furrowed. What was she talking about? "Kiz cheez k liye. (For what?)"

She was wearing black kohl. It was so dark that you couldn't ignore it. It made her chocolate brown eyes stand out beautifully. When did she start wearing kohl? And that loop shape nose pin adoring her nose. When did she got it pierced?

"Apne jis tarah mere decision pe mujhe support kiya. Jbke sb iske khilaaf the magar apne mujh pe eik aanch ni ane de, Sb kuch apne pe leliya. (The way that you supported me on my decision when everyone was against it. You took it all on yourself and saved me from any blame.)"

To this day, I couldn't understand, Why I agreed? Knowing fully well that my existence without her was incomplete. It was something that I had to do for her. Uske begair jeena to sekh liye magar wo jeena bs waqt guzarna tha. (I learned to live without her but that living was just passing time.)

Flashback

Few days have passed after she woke up. She was still under surveillance. Her condition wasn't critical. At that time everything felt like a miracle, Her waking up to our healthy boy that she gave birth to. Allah heard my prayers. He didn't leave me empty handed.

She was holding Jahangir in her arms. Playing with him. She looked at him with so much adoration that it wasn't difficult to point out. Jahangir, Jahangir and Jahangir. Her lips worshiped the name. She made a bubble around herself and him, where only they existed.

Whenever someone held Jahangir for long, You could see the longing in her eyes to have him back. It was surprising when on my entrance, she placed him back in cart, giving me her complete attention.

"Jahan, I want to talk."

A bad premonition. She wanted to talk and I wanted to hear nothing. I just wanted to run away or place my palms on my ear so whatever she was about to say wouldn't be heard.

Instead doing anything like that, I nodded my head and pulled a chair beside her bed. I knew she was going to break the beautiful misunderstanding that I created in my head. The one where we all would be together. So I waited for her to smash it.

"Jahan, I ______ I don't think we can live together." And there she smashed it. I was confused if to laugh or cry.

"You want seperation." Only my heart knew, how difficult it was for me to emit those words.

"bs kuch arsa k liye. (Just for some time.)"

"I don't understand."

She exhaled before explaining. (Jahan, main apke sath aise ni reh sakte, na rahna chahte ho. (I can't live like this with you, nor I want to.)

Every word that left her mouth had me more confused and anxious. "Main apke baat samajhne se kasir ho. (I am unable to understand you.)"

"Main abhe apko taleef k siwa kuch ni de paao qk mere dil me apke liye siyah ho geya hai. (I can't give you anything other then pain because my heart has been blackened for you.)

"Mujhe faraq ni parta. (I don't care.)"

"But mujhe parta hai. (But I do.) She yelled with tears streaming down her face. Apko takleef to date ho per phir mujhe bhe takleef hoti hain. (Hurting you hurts me.)

Why she was with me but still it felt like she was falling through my fingers and I was unable to catch her?

"Tootein howe dil muhabbat to kar lete hai Jahan, magar wo apne mehboob k dil k hifazat ni kar pate. (Broken hearts do fall in love but they are unable to protect their lover's heart.)"

She was right. My broken heart loved her but was unable to protect her heart from harm inflicted by own actions.

"I don't want to repeat this circle over and over again. Aur Jahangir ko main ye toxic environment ni dena chahte. (I don't want to give Jahangir this toxic environment.)"

Nodding my head, I agreed. Cupping her face with small brush of lips on her temple, I reminded." Kabhi mat bholeyega, k ap mere Jahan ka Noor hai, Jaana. (Don't every forget that you are the light of ny world, Jaana)"

Everyone was aganist the idea of letting Noor stay in Islamabad. Ami showed a strong reaction till the point that I had to explain everything to her from start to end. It made her ignore me for months. I knew that I disappointed her and she never forgot to show it.

With passage of time, her motherly heart melted. My treatment with psychiatrist continued. Things were better because I knew this wasn't be permenant. She would come back. It made me keep going through each day. Some of them could be called good, some worse and some average.

They all passed but tonight, I thought that there would be an end to it. Alas, I smiled, turned on my heels, ready to leave.

"Jahaan." I stopped as I heard sound of her climbing down the remaining stairs. Turning on my heels, I waited for her until she stood before me.

"Ab kiya kehna hai, Noor?"

She blinked her eyes, bitting her bottom lip as she whispered. "Apko yaad hai.... (Do you remember?)"

"Mujhe kuch yaad ni karna. (I don't want to remember anything.)"

I didn't want to remember any of those decisions that took us here or How I supported her? Because what I wanted wasn't her gratitude.

She closed her eyes and emitted a long sigh before opening them again. "Mere bat to sune. (Just hear me out.)"

"Sunaye. (Continue.)" I crossed my arms around my chest, waiting for her to get over it.

"Wase to ap ne bohat dawaih kiye the lekin ab.. . (However, you made many claims but now...)"

I was in sehar of those Kajal adorned eyes as she stepped forward, talking about some claims.

"Konse dawaih... (Which claims?)" I could only arch my brows at those claims that my mind couldn't come up with.

She was acting so differently this time. Most of the time when I arrived to see them. We wouldn't talk much if it was not related to Jahanngir. Now in this condition, How could my mind remember something so insignificant?

"Uff Jahaan." She placed her right hand on her temple in frustration or maybe disappointment.

The sound of those silver churiyan made me notice dark red mehndi that was adorned on her palms.

My eyes sawyed down to the pazaib that was hanging on her ankle. I could recognise this pazaib. It was the one that I brought for her after gettting jealous of seeing her so close with Hassam. I wasn't just jealous of him being close to her. I was more jealous of the bond that they shared.

My gaze wandered to every single thing. To the pendent that was given by me and to that pazaib. Those things that she stopped wearing from a long time ago. And I remembered.

Flashback

It was just a day before, she was going to leave for Islamabad. She was doing her packing, I actually didn't know when she came up to me and set beside.

"Apko dar ni lagta. (Aren't you afraid?)"

I pulled the lid of laptop down, paying her complete attention. "Kis bat se? (From what?)

"Hosakta hai mere dil kabhi saaf na hopaye... Aur ho bhe jaye to main jan na pao.. Ya ma batana pao. (It is possible that my heart would never be cleared..... Or it may happen but I wouldn't be aware or that I wouldn't be able to say.)"

"Mujhe Allah pe yakeen hai aur faraz kare un akhari do me se kuch hogeya phir bhe mujhe pata chal jayega. (I believe in Allah and imagine even if any of last two being true but still I would be able to know.)"

"Kaise?"

A smile appeared on my lips as I whispered with eyes sweeping across every feature of her face. "Bs chal jayega. (I would know.)"

Trembling lips, parted and then closed. Heart was so fast and loud that it felt like its dump dump beat was the only thing that my ears could hear.

"Ruk jaye hamare sath ya apne sath hume le jayi. (Stay with us or take us with yourself.)"

Tears slipped from my eyes as a smile appeared on my lips. I waited so long for this, so long to hear these words. My feet remain planted on floor. I wanted to step forward and touch her but my body didn't listen to my commands.

She stood on her tip toes. Her fingers slowly reached my cheeks and she slowly and very carefully wiped away my tears. Her soothing touch opened a tap of tears that I had to incline my head toward.

Time slowly drifted away as she looped her arms around my neck, pullling my head into captivity of her chest.

Her fingers moving through my hairs as she lulled the words. "Apko pata hai, Jahangir kehta ni magar wo apko bohat yad karta, ap se bohat muhabbat karta hai. (Do you know, Jahangir does not say but he misses you a lot. He loves you a lot.)"

"Aur bs.... (And.)"

"Huh.."

She didn't reply but a minute later, I heard a very soft and low whisper.

"Aur main bhe. (And me too.)"

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