This medical history in my hand, felt like another burden on my soul. Was I so unnecessary in her world that she didn't find it important enough to tell me this?

Only I know in what state of mind, I set there as the doctor told me that my wife was almost saved from a miscarriage.

And this. Her blood pressure was consistently going higher in her last months. My every fear was right in front of my eye. She did not feel that it was important for me to know about her health. Does she think that I don't care?

Standing at the pedestrian. Waiting for the road to clear, so I could cross it. The fear clawed at my heart. My breath hitched when the same eyes which were seeing an empty road, now saw a very familiar bleeding woman on the road.

My heart felt like it was going to burst out and then second a voice of an horn struck my ear drums, pulling me out. A nightmare in the pure daylight.

My hand shook as my palm wiped the sweat from my face. I waited for my heart to calm down and then crossed the road.

How long would I live like this? In the shadow of my fears!

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She stopped at half of the circle with her hands on her knees, body slightly bent with head bowed. I turned a bit and walked back up to her. It was something that we did on daily basis.

We would pray fajar together. The first time that I woke her up to pray with me. I wasn't sure if she would agree but she did. Then I would take her for jogging. Doctors said the exercise would help to maintain her blood pressure.

She wasn't very much willing but reminding her about the baby's health, made it work. This time, I expected the same to happen, few encouraging words and she would complete the circle.

"cholo. (come on. ) Be a good girl."

She looked up at me, face completely flushed and sweaty with this bit of jog.

"Nahi bs. Ab mujh se aur ni hota. (No, it's enough. I can't do this anymore.)

Narrowing my eyes, I surveyed her. I knew it was difficult for her to do this, with her condition but it was necessary. Fortunately she didn't have pre-eclampsia like aunty but she could develop it with the rate that her blood pressure was shooting day by day.

When I walked up to her. She literally had tears in her eyes. "My feet are swollen, Jahan. I can't. I will take two tablets instead of one."

Gripping her shoulder. I looked in her eyes. She was the one who refused the high potency tablet as it could harm the baby. Now, she did not even want to to do this.

"Listen to me. Just a bit more. Okay."

She shrugged her head in no again and again. I pulled away, crossing my arms across my chest.

"phir theak hai. Hone de jo hota hai. Mere priority ap hai. (Okay all right then. Let it happen. You are my priority.) I would save you but I can't say anything about him."

My eyes fell on her bulging belly, indicating what I meant. The tears started pouring out as she looked at me with accusing eyes.

"How could you say that?" She clenched her fists. "Jaan basti hai mere is me. Ye ni to main ni. (He is my life. If he doesn't exist then I don't too.)"

My ears took in her every word. Feeling the irony of the situation. The one that I held in my heart was holding her son in her heart. A kind of the love that I couldn't even object at.

I pulled her in my arms. She took my comfort after such a long time, due to this child. I still offer every namaaz and tajahud. Why wouldn't I? As I needed to be thankful to Allah to giving me even this opportunity to hold her in my arms.

No doubt, Allah has given me many naimatey (blessings). She was the only unique one. The one that only I had the right on. Every namaaz and tahajud to thank Allah for this one particular naimat felt short.

Maybe this was the reason, I couldn't form any attachment with our son. I felt like sometimes that he could be a danger to her. It wasn't that I didn't care for him but I couldn't allow myself too. Because if it came to both of them then I had already chosen.

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Laying my head on lap of dadu, with her fingers running through them, It became a peaceful past time. It was a bit hectic to travel back and fourth from city to office. But I did for her.

There were not many things these days that gave me peace. It was this lap or in sujood and then her presence which somehow made me feel every single emotion from peace to restlessness.

"Konse uljhane apko ghere howe hai?(Which perplexities have been surrounding you?)"

I raised my head a bit and smiled as she further added. "pehle ankho ne dil ka haal ko acha se parda naheen kiya howa tha aur ab jaise parda cheer diya geya hai. (Earlier, your eyes had hid the condition of your heart with veil now its like that veil has been tattered.)"

My smile turned into gloomy as a whisper of a desire left those lips. "Phir Wo q ni dekhte. (Then why she doesn't see?)"

"Aisa ni hai k dekh ni sakte, wo bs dekhna ni chahte. Jabke ap ab dekhana chahte hai. (It's not like that she can't see, but now she doesn't want to. However now you want to show her.)"

Her wise words had me in a trance. The trance that had me again thinking from start to end.

"Sahe kah rahe ho na, beta. (I am saying right.)"

"Ji."

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"Ap chahtein hai k sb pehle jaise hojaye? (Would you want all to be like before?)"

My hand which was tugging the tie stopped. I turned on my heels to gauge her expressions. My wife who never said a word to me these days, was initiating a conversation.

What kind of question was it. Did I want everything to be like before? It was a wishful feeling to think that everything would go back the way it was. Fortunately for me, I wasn't anywhere near wishful.

My eyes fell on hand that was being offered to me. Her eyes beckoned me to take that offered hand. What did she want?

I looked at my wife once again. Then like a moth drawn to flame. I walked to her, placed my hand in her and set beside her with her small hand engulfing my large one.

Behaviours don't change just like that. The years of sealed bitterness doesn't go away just like that. Yes, I was greedy and my greediness for little bit

of her touch, care, attention and love even it was just only equal to grain of a sand. It pulled me here, making me act like a fool that she wanted me to be. A fool for her so why would I have any qualms?

She parted those soft lips. I waited patiently, intertwining our finger, just soaking in the feeling of my hand in her as my lips tilted unconsciously.

"Main sb bholne ko teyar ho...........bs agar ap meri eik bat maan le. (I am ready to forget everything if you just do one thing.)"

Her voice was like coming from the background. I could hear every word of her and even process it all but it just wasn't something that I was focused on. It was our hands. Her soft hand and my index finger tracing every inch of it, like I used too. A small happiness ignited in my heart which just bloomed in all the corners.

Her conditions nothing felt necessary when I was ready to do anything that she wanted. It would be just cherry on top if she gave me even smallest of her affection in return.

I was drunk and hazy with small of her acceptance. When this feeling just changed into confusion as she placed my palm on her belly. The conditions weren't the next thing from her lips.

"Isse mehsoos kar sakte hai. (Can you feel him?)"

My eyes furrowed looking for an appropriate reply. As, I couldn't just say that I can't feel him like you do. I remained silent for it was just the best answer.

"He kicked!" I could feel it too. It was like someone tapped and I could feel that pressure.

It wasn't actually that which had me in a trance. It was those sparkling chocolate brown eyes that I haven't seen for long.

Pretty tilted lips with glowing face. A memorizing sight. She licked those lips with her hand keeping mine in place.

"Main chahte ho k ap ise apne priority banale jaise mane bana liya ha. (I want you to make him your priority like I have.)

My head tilted slightly downward as I tried to understand context of her words. It was like my mind was repeating the words again and again trying to just evaluate the meaning. Which was, I don't know why, but felt very difficult to grasp.

When I did. I just immediately pulled my hand back like a current just travelled into me from her body. Studying her expression, there was not any expectation or hope instead surety. That I would do as she wanted.

Because I wanted her love and affection. She didn't know that she was my priority. How could I make one him then?

Curiosity was there. I wanted to know what trick she had up her sleeves that would just magically make her forget everything. I never expected her to forget everything and just move on. It was simply too unreal to believe that this all wouldn't leave any single blemish.

"Kaise bhulainge? (How would you forget it?)"

"Huh."

Her eyes looked around like searching for an answer with a frown on her head. A taunting smiled tilted my lips. She didn't even know herself.

"Main Allah se duaein karo ge. (I will pray to Allah.)" I kept looking at her. Like she knew that I wasn't convinced she added in further. "Dar.. Darbar pe manat mango ge. Allah to kuch bhe karleta haina. (I will plead for mercy in darbar. Allah can do anything right.)"

Those words were of a desperate. Trying to make other agree by giving not any plausible argument. There was no logic in it but when there was any logic in spirituality.

The issue wasn't about making me agree to her solution. It was just so laughable that we believed in Allah to hear our prayers, as Allah himself couldn't come on earth for completion of those prayers. He needed a waseela. We humans tried to find that waseela ourself to make Allah's work easy.

We believed in enough but still not enough. That was just the limit of our faith.

"Phir jaye mangue duain, manatey k Allah ise priority bana le. (Then go and ask in prayers, plead for mercy and ask Allah to make him the priority.)"

I stood up and was ready to walk away, not feeling to discuss this any further but she gripped my wrist.

"Maine apse kabhi kuch zeyada manga ni aur ap mere leye itna bhe ni karege. (I never asked anything much from you and you can't do even this much for me.)

"Ni. (No.)"

The thing that was just this much for her, mattered to me the most. How could she not understand that?

"Q? Iske mujoodgi itni chub rahe hai apko? (Why his existence disturbs you this much?)

Sometimes she just had right bitter words to slash my heart. I could only smile with pain at her every misunderstanding that were created by my own doing.

"Ni bs ap se mohabbat zeyada hai. (No, I just love you too much.)

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My every breath felt easy just because I had my son with me. There was nothing here for me in this world without him. I couldn't live if something happened to him.

Being in motherhood made me understand my mother's decision more then I could ever. She didn't sacrifice because she just loved me. It was just that she couldn't imagine a world without me.

Like I couldn't. When I told Jahan that my son wasn't my weaknesses but strength. I meant it. So how could a person carry on being without their strength?

He was my pillar, my base and the centre around which my world surrounded. I wanted him to understand this much then why he couldn't?

Turned off lights, peaceful silent night, didn't make me fall asleep but placing my hand on my belly, feeling his presence there. An immense feeling of relief rushed through my body, putting me into a tranquil dreamland. My last thought if only could Jahan feel this feeling then he would surely understand my request.

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any person which Allah use as a source to help his other creation.