How to find Happiness within yourself?

I shake my head at the fact that I really had to google this to get some sort of an idea to what the fuck this even means. I'm doing this for Thalia.

"Smile, Get Plenty of sleep, Give a compliment, and acknowledge unhappy moments." I read off the list that showed up as I talk to Thalia.

Or Buddy, whatever. I've been talking to him as if he was Thalia but he's much more quiet than she is. He just always sits there and looks dumb.

"Fuck finding happiness in myself. Fuck that." I scoff and catch myself tripping over a crack on the side walk.

It's been a couple of days since I've even seen Thalia and already these days have felt like an eternity of hell. Im not sad or anything, I just feel like I miss her.

She fills the void in my life. She is my life. No matter what she says, I can't find happiness in myself because she makes me who I am. She makes me want to go on, I need her in my life.

Buddy pulls on the leash as he forces me to follow him to some tree, I took the car to the park and brought Beau and Buddy along. I shouldn't have because Buddy's a friendly dog who goes up to people which makes me then have to talk to them.

They then preceded to ask me what breed he is as if they don't have eyes and can't tell he's a golden retriever. Its fucking common sense.

Something that brings me happiness that isn't Thalia are these blue raspberry slurpee's. They are the shit. I could drink these things all day, if Id never met Thalia I would have never known that these exist.

I put my sunglasses down onto my nose as I walk around the park, holding two leashes. I walk over to a bench and take a seat. I look ahead at the large lake, sitting this close to the water I could feel the colder breeze settling in.

I open the same journal I've had for years and decide to write something in it. At one point I used to write everything in here, all my thoughts. That was back when I didn't have anyone to tell my thoughts to.

I haven't written in it much because now I have Thalia. I might not say everything that I think like she does but at least I know that I could trust her with the things I want to say.

I sigh and look down seeing Beau laying on the cool ground as Buddy sat with his tongue sticking out. I didn't like being away from Thalia, it made me anxious about how Im alone, without her.

I get what she wanted me to get from some time away. I never thought I would tell her about that night because I didn't want that to ruin things. Maybe she'd change after I told her. She didn't, that's how I know she means something serious to me.

I put my drink besides me and start to write about anything that I could think of. I wrote about Thalia and Duke, corny shit like that .

I hadn't tried talking to Duke, I know he wouldn't answer anyway. I know he was hurt by everything he heard, mostly because I didn't tell him directly. Even though I wish I did. I'm an idiot, but he knows that by now. He's my best friend.

I still have things I need to learn and get better at. Communication is one of them but that's already hard to do for someone who doesn't like talking much. I liked to listen, listen to Thalia. It's too quiet without her. The silence makes me uncomfortable now.

I close the small journal and hold it close to my side as I stand and walk back to the car. I walk with both leashes around my one wrists and hold my slurpee in my other hand. As I get closer to my car I see a mother with her daughter in the car seat in the car next to mine.

The girl was crying and whining. She made intense eye contact with me as I walked by, squeezing in the small space to open the back door.

"I want what he has!" The girl pointed at my drink and started whining. Little shit.

"Excuse me, where did you buy that drink you have?" The restless looking mother asked me as I just put the dogs into the car. The 7 Eleven was right under her nose.

"Maybe where the sign is." I glare at the kid as I get into my car. I could hear her crying from inside my car as she started kicking her feet.

I just wanted to tell her to shut up, her whining gave me a headache just thinking about it. Beau hops on the passenger seat and I roll down the window for him.

I left both dogs at my house before going to the shop. I hadn't worked many shifts since I've been with Thalia more. Zoe would text me more times when she could have been using that time to do her fucking job. I came to talk to her because she had been getting on my nerves lately with all the calling.

I walked in to see Jared already working with a client as Zoe was seated by the front desk. She usually never did anything unless I was in the room.

"Heath. You're here. You haven't been here in so long. Everyone's missed you." She stands up for some reason. Nobody's missed shit. She's not fooling anyone.

"Why are you just sitting here?" I asked her, looking over to the small line of people at the entrance.

"Oh, I was on my break. If you want we can catch a break together. And maybe we can go to-"

I had to stop her before she even said more stupid shit. The fuck does she think this is. I'm not even friends with her.

"We're not going anywhere together. I only came because you kept blowing up my phone." I tell her, her shoulders slump back down.

"Oh. Well now that you're here maybe you can teach me a few techniques, like-"

"You're fired." I interrupt her before she can annoy me any more.

"What?" She laughs lightly but I wasn't even joking.

"Are you stupid? I said you're fired. Get out already." I couldn't hold back the amount of annoyance she had brought on me for the longest time.

"Is this because of your little girlfriend? I knew it. She's the one making you do this. It's okay, she doesn't have to know. I know you don't really want to fire me. Heath, c'mon." She reaches out for my arm but I step away from her touch.

"Nobody said anything about that. Just get out." I gesture to the door. She frowns and crosses her arms.

"Look, don't let her change you. I've literally seen you change, like you were never this angry at me. Maybe we can talk? I know-"

"Listen to me Zoe." I walk towards her and she zips her mouth shut.

"I don't want anything to do with you. We used to just work together. That's it." I explain to her in my calmest tone.

"You'll never be Thalia. So don't try anymore. There's no point in fucking trying anymore." I said seriously with every ounce of self control in me.

"You don't have a fucking chance." I stared at her as I watched her frown and brows furrow in disappointment.

Before, she would invite me out to lunch during breaks but I'd never agree to them. She's tried for the longest time, she has to get over it. I don't care for that anymore.

I can never think of another girl when Thalia exists. She's all I ever think about.

"Fine. Whatever. I'm leaving." She grabs her things before walking out of the door for the last time.

I turn around to see Jared staring at me in wide eyes. He chuckles to himself lightly before shaking his head.

I couldn't give a fuck if he had heard all of that. Because Thalia meant everything. I wouldn't ever hurt her, because that shit would hurt me too. I've made it permanent. She will always be everything to me. She saved me. And I'd make it up to her until I no longer couldn't.

So if some time away is what she thought would be great. Then fuck it, it's great. I'm okay by myself and I'm happier than ever now. Because I know I've met Thalia.

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A/ N

GUYS this book now has 100k Reads?!?!?! I don't know how. But all I can say is thank you and thank you for reading🫶🏼🫶🏼

also in honor of 100k reads I'll post 2 chapters for u and just for u

Anyways Heath is getting to the point where he's finally realizing his feelings. As he should. He took his sweet time.

Thanks for reading. Buh bye. 🤧👋🏻

8/29/22