I have come to an understanding that Heath has issues. And it's not just the mommy and daddy issues, like I thought it was. Based on what I know about his past and childhood, his issues started from him as a child.

I didn't know the whole story, just bits and pieces that he would tell me on rare occasions. Of course I wanted to just ask and ask him questions about himself but I don't know if that's fair to ask. I don't want him to think he has to but at the same time, I think it would be good for him to talk about it.

In the last couple of months that I have known him, I have obviously seen a more realistic version of Heath that I know he doesn't always perceive himself to be. But he's also had his moments where he would burst, sudden out bursts of anger.

He'd isolate himself from the world, with an upset, angry attitude. He'd push me away for days, three days actually. But I couldn't just let him be all alone, it wasn't healthy.

I know he wasn't the most joyous person but some days he would just get angry and curse everyone out. Today just happened to be another one of those days.

I used to think that maybe he was having a bad day, everyone gets those so I would listen to him when he told me to go away. But I don't think it's usual for him to hold in his anger for this long, and want to isolate himself. Even from me.

"I tried talking to him but he told me to go fuck myself. So, prepare yourself to hear the same thing." Duke has a look of worrisome and exhaustion on his face that just makes me feel for him.

Dukes been around longer than I have, he knows how Heath is and what to expect by now. But even he looked like he was physically tired of the same routine that Heath would make him do.

"Did he say anything else?" I ask him before I go upstairs.

"Just that he wanted to be alone but that's pretty much it." He crosses his arms and shakes his head, now seeming frustrated with him.

I lean down and scoop up Buddy in my hands, hoping that things will go well. I call Beau over to walk with me up the stairs and I stand right in front of Heaths locked door.

I knock gently before putting my ear to the door, I didn't hear much of anything. I waited thirty more seconds just in case but the door remained closed.

"Heath, it's me." I spoke loudly so that he could hear me.

"I have Buddy with me and Beaus here too, I think he really wants to see you. Can we come in, please?" I call out and watch as Beau starts whining as he scratches the door.

The door suddenly opens, honestly I didn't expect him to open up that quickly. Beau wags his tail at the sight of him, his mood changing to happiness in a flash when he sees him. Heath offers Beau a few pats on the head before walking back over to the side of the bed and sitting on the floor.

I look around the room to see the bed unmade which was unlike him because he was a clean freak and would snap at me if I even left a wrinkle on the bed. I close the door shut before walking over to him.

I plop myself on the floor next to him and pet Buddy a couple times.

"Buddy's happy to see you." I put him down and luckily he actually walks over to Heath and starts licking him.

"Why are you in here by yourself?" I ask him calmly, trying to get him to talk.

His hair was unusually messy and he was still in the clothes I had FaceTimed him in last night. He didn't look at me, instead he stared right at the wall ahead of him.

"Because I want to." He answers smartly. I sit closer to him but not too close where I'm touching him. Beau rested right next to him while Buddy was sniffing out the whole room by now.

"Duke and I just wanted to know if you were okay." I explain to him as I watch him for any sort of a reaction but he just remains unfazed.

"Can you leave now?" It sounds more like an order than a question with the way his voice comes out.

"I want you to leave." He looks at me this time so I know he was serious.

"I think it could help if you told me what was wrong." I spoke lower than usual, worried to say anything that could just add fuel to the fire.

"Maybe." I add, looking down at my fingers picking on the strands of carpet.

"I don't want you here, Thalia." He speaks sternly with a serious tone. I could tell he was trying to hold his anger back and was growing frustrated.

"Then why did you open the door?" I ask making him shut up so I knew I had a point.

"You wouldn't open the door if you really didn't want be to be here. So stop trying to push me away." I spoke with confidence because I knew I was right.

He remains silent but has his attention on Beau, petting him gently. I can tell something was really bothering him, why couldn't he just tell me?

"Heath.." I reach for his hand and that finally makes him look at me.

"What's wrong? Did I do something?" I ask, ruling out the possibility that it could be something I said or did.

"No." His eyes are staring deeply into mine before he turns to look away.

He goes quiet again and I decide not to push him anymore. I think I'll just sit here with him, it might not be much but at least he knows he's not alone. He has me.

"Guess what?" I ask, a smile forming my face. He doesn't answer but I'll tell him anyway.

"I love you. Did you know?" A smile will always appear on my face when I say it to him, it's inevitable.

He leans his head back on the bed and rubs his hands on his face roughly, before running a hand through his hair. It seems like he's been doing that a lot, his hair fell loosely on his forehead.

"Fuck, Thalia. Please go." He doesn't even look at me when he says it.

"Stay? Okay, I will." I make myself comfortable on the carpet again to show him I wasn't leaving.

The room falls dead silent again, I can't stand silence but I force myself to stay quiet. I won't talk unless he does first. Sounds like mission impossible to me but I'll try.

I talk internally though because I can't shut my brain off. I'll just wait until he's highly uncomfortable in the silence where he'll have to talk.

I wonder why he was staring directly into a wall and not the window next to it, that's where I was looking. It was much more pleasant to look through than a blank wall.

"I'm alone because I feel...sad." He finally breaks and speaks. Thank goodness. He didn't look too comfortable with admitting that.

I turn my body so that I'm facing him directly, I just wanted to listen to him speak. I miss him even though it's only been a few days since we've spoken in person.

"Why are you sad?" I ask, scanning his face. He looks back down at Beau for comfort.

"Because my life isn't as sunshine and rainbows like yours. I went through shit and had nobody but my mom. And now she's fucking dead." He snaps but unfortunately he had to add me to the problem.

"You complain about how you don't have a good relationship with your mom. At least you fucking have one, do you not think how your words can affect others?"

"You just talk and talk as if the world revolves around you. You're perfect and happy all the time. How are you even real? And you say you fucking love me but you don't." He finishes his rant, now standing up.

"Okay." I just said as I stood up. His words hurt but I knew he was only saying them because he was mad.

"I get it now. You want to tell me how your life isn't as perfect as mine? Then go, tell me." I hope this would get him to speak and just open up. But all he was doing was taking out his anger on me.

"Thalia.." He hangs his head low, rubbing his forehead lightly. His tone of voice had a tint of guilt in it but he'd deal with the consequences after. Right now I was only going to help him.

"Tell me."

"Look, I never even got a chance to fucking hug or know my mom, none of that shit. She's been in prison since I was born. And because she got herself locked up, I had to go into foster care where I was beaten up everyday with a bunch of other kids. She promised, she would be out as soon as I turned eighteen but she didn't ."

"She got killed last year when she was supposed to be done with her time. I waited all those years for her, just for her to die. I had no one." His voice was shallow as he stared into the ground.

I suddenly understood his pain, I know he's been through a lot and many bad things. He didn't deserve any of it, especially as a child.

"I'm sorry Heath, I didn't know." My voice came out soft as I lowered my gaze.

"Is that what you wanted to know?" He sasses and I can't help but feel bad. I shouldn't have pushed him into telling me.

"I know it'll take a while for you to get it, but I do care for you." All I ever want is for him to know that someone does care about him.

"I'm not as perfect as you think I am. And I'm not always happy, I just prefer to look at the bright side of life." I tell him as he stays silent.

"And I do love you. You can't tell me that I don't because I know within myself that I do." My voice is eager but his eyes are narrowed directly at me.

"You have me now. I care for you and I love you. You don't have to worry about me hurting you." My brows furrow at how emotional all this was getting.

"Now I have you." He repeats to himself but scoffs after.

"You just had to come and save me, didn't you?" He wasn't making sense now, I stared at him in confusion.

"I shouldn't even be here right now, Thalia." He sighs in exhaustion, averting his eyes to the floor once again.

"What do you mean?" I ask, wanting him to clarify.

"I mean I should be dead. If I hadn't met you when I did. I would be dead." He explains it stubbornly, word by word as if explaining it to a child.

My heart ached at that. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach, what was he talking about. Why was he saying all this?

"why?" My voice cracks at the question.

"Because Thalia, I didn't have anybody. I didn't have anything else to live for!" He shouts, getting upset again. He starts pacing around the room, shaking his head.

"The one thing that would motivate me to wake up each day was the hope of seeing my mom for the first time in person. When She died, O thought what was the point? My life was already fucking shit. I didn't have any one." His words cause pain to my heart with each sentence.

I could tell how this affected him, all the anger and sadness. It makes senses now. And it was the last thing I ever expected to hear.

"I don't feel that way anymore. Because I have you. You help me. You make me fucking happy to even wake up in the mornings. I've never felt happiness like this." His voice is much calmer now but I couldn't get past what he just told me.

I bite my lip roughly to hold back a sob and throw myself into his arms to hug him tightly. I close my eyes shut, really soaking up the moment. I didn't want to think about how my life would be if I'd never met Heath.

I would probably have gotten no where and been alone forever, relationship wise. The thought of the amount of pain he must've gone through to get to that ending point, made me want to bawl my eyes out.

He's perfect and I love him too much to never have met him.

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A/N

This was so sad to write omg 😀

8/14/22