It's been a week, a week without sleeping in the warmth of his arms, a week without waking up with his eyes staring at me while I sleep. It's been a week without his hugs, kisses and cuddles. It's been a week without him, and finally, it's been a week of hell. I was like a walking dead, I woke up, ate the food Moana forced down my throat, slept the whole day, cried myself to sleep. In these past few days, I've cried more than I have in my 19 years of my life. I miss him so much.

I told Sino everything, she was angry, she was there for me, but I didn't want her to hate him, talk bad about him, only I was allowed to criticize him, shame him, and cuss him to my heart's content. But I understood that she was just being there for her sister, Mbali has called and apologized for not being there for me, honestly, I was good, I wanted to be alone either way.

Sino has been giving me space, as I asked, figured I've been mopping around for too long now, maybe I should just interact with people again. I can't believe he hasn't called me even once, he never came after me, but I probably wouldn't have given him the time of the day anyway. But I want to see him, just once, I know it's cruel but I need to see him broken as I am, it'll show I'm not the only one who's suffering. I got up from the bed and took a shower, my hair is growing. After wearing clothes that Sino has been supplying me with, I went downstairs.

Me: Hey guys.

I leaned on the kitchen door, Siya was hugging Sino from behind while she made breakfast, no wonder they didn't hear me coming, these two are just too cute, Sino pushed Siya back and smiled at me.

Sino: Hey, you uhh you here, up.

Well, that's weird, I thought she'd be happy.

Me: You definitely not relieved to see me here.

Sino: No, I mean I am, it's just... Anyway, are you okay?

Me: You acting weird, but I'm getting there.

Siya: I'll be in the lounge with Jade.

Me: Hey, uhm I just wanted to say thank you for allowing me to stay here, I promise I'll be gone soon.

Siya: What are you saying, I feel very offended, I thought we were family and family don't say shit like that, you know this is your home for as long as you deem it to be.

He kissed my forehead and patted it, he can't be serious for more than a minute.

He left and I helped Sino with breakfast, we talked about random shit, well she talked more I kept on dozing off, I can't help it I'm still hurting even. I love how she understands though.

Sino: Look, you know I love you right?

Me: I sense something bad.

Sino: No, it ain't like that, I just want what's best for my sister.

Me: Thank you babes, I appreciate you and I love you too.

She hugged me and took the plates to the dining room, she seemed on edge, like she wanted to say something but couldn't. We ate, there were jokes I couldn't bring myself to laugh but I did smile even though it didn't reach my eyes.

After that, I offered to wash the dishes but Sino refused, Siya took Jade to take a bath. I was left alone to my thoughts, I really didn't want to be thinking too much, it always ended up with tears. So I got up and went to watch Tv. Even though it ended up watching me instead as I zoned out again, it just happens, it's like everything reminds me of him, I miss him, he's sarcasm, his touch, his dimpled smile. I feel like screaming. Not helping anything, I've been sick for days now, I can't keep anything in.

After a while, I got up, I went to my room, but before I could get in, I heard voices, it sounded like they were fighting. I didn't wanna eavesdrop but before I could leave I heard my name. It sounded like Siya.

Siya: Lisa is a grown-up, she deserves to know.

Sino: It's not even about that with you, you think I don't know you just want her to forgive your friend, isn't it?

Sino: And what's wrong with that? She's hurting Sino, she needs him, just like she needed him all those times, remember when she got depressed because she lost her baby, he was there for him, when she went through that James ordeal, he was there still when her mother treated her like shit, he made sure she valued herself enough to not care and find happiness in him, and you denying her that privilege to be there for him?

Then silence, I found myself tearing up, he's right he has been there for me.

Sino: Well, those times you've mentioned he wasn't the course of the problem but now, now he is, how does she find comfort from him then?

Siya: Sino...

Sino: No Siyabonga, my sister is hurting because of him, and I'm not about to add to her stress by telling her he's in a coma and might not even wake up, please-

Me: What did you say?

I found myself pushing the already slightly open door, I stood there with tears streaming down my cheeks, I know I didn't hear her say that.

Sino: Lisa-

Me: No, she's not gonna tell me, Siya tell me she's lying.

Sino tried to come close to me, I stepped back and held my hand up for her to stop.

Siya: Lisa... He was in an accident a week ago, he's been in a coma and the Drs don't know if he'll wake up, it's bad.

His voice cracked at the end, right now I didn't have time for either of them, how could they?

Me: You-

I didn't even have the strength to look at them.

Me: -which hospital?

Sino: Lisa, listen to me...

Me: You still going on, you kept the fact that he might die and I might not even see him ever again, and you standing there like you did something to applaud for? Which hospital Siya?

I don't want to look at her right now, I need to see him, I'm going to him, he'll wake one way or another.

Siya: Come on, I'll take you to him.

Me: I need to go now.

He nodded and took his car keys, he kissed Sino's forehead and left, she looked at me with pleading eyes.

In the car, I looked outside the window, I couldn't wait to be there already, I just wanted to be there already and it seemed like he was driving slow deliberately.

Siya: You know she was looking out for you right?

Me: She kept the fact that the person who could love me more than anything in this world might die, how was she looking out for me?

He sighed and turned a corner before speaking again.

At least we close.

Siya: I know that one was wrong of her, but her intentions were genuine, look just talk to her okay, she'll explain to you, I haven't seen her this protective of something or someone as she is with you, she loves you.

Me: I just want to see him, I need to know he'll be okay that's it.

He nodded, he felt defeated, I can't help it this how I am, I'm stubborn as hell.

We arrived at the hospital, the car didn't even stop properly and I was out of the car bolting to the hospital door. I went to the reception but before I could speak, Siya came.

Siya: Come on, you could've waited.

He smiled and took my wrist leading me to his room.

Me: Let go now.

Siya: You going to run again, not taking the chance, you don't even know where.

He chuckled, he pressed the elevator button and we got in, after a while, we reached the floor he was in, Siya had let go of my hand then.

Siya: This is it, I'll be outside.

Me: Thank you.

He smiled and I opened the door and closed it. And there he was, unmoving I swear he looked like he was sleeping.

I went closer, my chest felt like it was on fire, seeing him so vulnerable, so pale. I looked down at him, all the anger I felt for him seemed to pause for a minute, just the love and appreciation.

Me: Hey.

I took his hand and I swear I've missed his touch, but now it was cold, he didn't answer me back, how I missed him.

Me: I- I want you to wake up please, I need you to wake up.

Nothing happened, he just slept there with pipes strapped on him.

Me: Please say something? Your snorty comments?

Nothing! I found myself crying on his chest, I couldn't stop it, I needed him to hold me while I cried on his chest but nothing. Just his faint beating heart.

***

I was woken up by the door opening. after I told Siya to go home I stayed alone and slept in his chest for what felt like hours with my tear-stained face.

Dr: Miss?

Me: Hi.

I said as I wiped the drool off my face.

Me: How is he, is he gonna wake up?

Dr: We not sure mam, it's hard to tell, he had a hard hit on his head from the accident.

As he said that I felt lightheaded and I passed out.

Not that it was anything to faint over.

I woke up in a hospital room, in my clothes still, thank God because I wasn't planning on getting admitted here.

The door opened and the same Dr came in with a sad smile.

Dr: Good you awake.

Me: What happened?

Dr: You fainted, you need to take it easy on your health especially with the stress, luckily the baby is still healthy but please mam stop stressing.

Me: What baby are you talking about?

Dr: Oh, you didn't know, well you are pregnant.

I couldn't believe it. The Dr smiled at me and I honestly didn't feel like rejoicing right now.

Dr: But hum good news is your husband is out of the coma but still unconscious. It must be true love huh?

With that, he left after he handed me papers of my release. I stood up and went straight to Mndeni's room.

I sat on the chair next to him, took his hand, and kissed it.

Me: I'm sorry but I have to leave, and I don't think I'm ever coming back.

I took his hand and put it on my stomach. And with a shaky breath and streaming tears.

Me: Thank you for this.

I wiped the tears, my decision was final, I needed to go. I knew I couldn't live with him like before so why try, I can't force forgiveness can I. I know he'll wake up and I won't be there when that happens.

Me: I love you.

I bent down and kissed his dry lips, seeing my tears fall on his pale face. I left and didn't even look behind.