I found myself standing in front of the only place I have found my family at. I rang the doorbell. I looked like shit, my clothes were wet, I was shivering and cold. My feet hurt from walking such a distance from his house to here. Soon the door opened and she gasped as soon as she saw my state. I couldn't even bring myself to show any emotions, I was like a wet android. Broken

Sino: Oh gosh, Monalisa! What the hell?

She looked at me from head to toe, she cringed, see told ya, shit!

Sino: Come inside, oh gosh you all wet, kwenze njani? (what's going on)

She muttered more to herself the last parts after she invited me in.

I heard the door close, soon I heard voices upstairs, laughter to be exact. I'm really not good social right now, I don't wanna ruin everyone's mood, I came here because I didn't know where else to go, Mbali just gave birth to a premature baby, me being in their space is too much, they don't need my emotional stress, and I have a feeling I won't be that great of company anyway.

Sino: Monalisa what's happening, why are you all wet?

As soon as she asked me that, I sobbed in my hands, I cried all over again, it's like she poked my wound with a toothpick.

Sino: Shh baby, come on, let's get you cleaned up before you catch a cold.

She hugged me and brought me to a guest room.

Sino: I'll get you my clothes, in the meantime go take a shower and we'll talk okay?

She said and I nodded, well at least in my head I thought I did, she sighed and walked through the door. I stripped and walked to the bathroom. Putting my wet clothes in the basket I walked over to the mirror, I had goosebumps all over from shivering and being cold. I opened the shower, let the water hit a warm temperature and got in.

I stayed there under the warm water for what seems like years, I just started to think about all the memories we shared, everytime I did, my father appeared in my head, it was so frustrating and heartbreaking to be in that situation where I had to be in between of my heart and brain. I decided it was enough of showering and I switched the tap off, walking out I took a towel and wrapped myself with it, I went out, and true to her words, I found warm fresh clothes on the bed. I took them and wore them, as I finished Sino walked in with a cup of what I assumed to be hot chocolate.

Sino: Good, you done, you've been there quite some time. Here!

She sat next to me on the bed and handed me the hot chocolate. I muttered an inaudible thank you, I didn't think she heard it until she nodded.

Sino: Do you feel like talking right now?

I shook my head with tears brimming my eyes, she nodded and pulled me closer to her.

It was nice to have my sister comfort me like that, I've yearned for it for a long time, but right now I wanted to be in his arms, I needed him. I'm so pathetic I know, I can't even make up my mind about what I want.

Sino: Get some rest and we'll talk tomorrow okay?

I nodded and she left me to my thoughts, I hope I don't get suicidal again, I hated that shit.

***

Sino watched her sister as she laid on the bed, hugging the pillow so tightly, she was sound asleep, she took the blanket and covered her up before taking the cup and leaving the guest room. She went to the kitchen and washed the dishes, she felt strong arms around her as she wiped her hands with dish cloth. She leaned back to his chest resting her stressed and confused head on it.

Siya: Is she okay?

She had briefed him about her unexpected arrival and distraught state when she went to fetch Monalisa clothes. She had found the father, daughter playing horseride on the floor.

Sino: I don't know honestly, she seems like a zombie, dead but walking. Do you think I should call Snakes and ask what happened?

Siya: Nah, I know what happened or at least I think.

Sino turned around still in his arms, she needed to know at least something.

Siya: But I don't think it's our place to interfere, she'll tell you when she's ready, hm.

He kissed her forehead, she sighed and allowed him to take her hand as they walked to the lounge and settling on the couch just cuddling. After sometime, she asked him where Jade was.

Siya: She fell asleep while riding my back, she's in her room.

Sino smiled, Jade was always so stubborn, she never wanted to admit when she was sleepy, always wanting to play.

They heard tiny footsteps and their heads whirled around to see the little girl holding her teddy bear in her sleepwear, definitely not sleeping.

Sino: Baby?

She walked to them and settled between them on the couch as she laid her head on her dads lap.

Siya: What's wrong princess?

Jade: Can't sleep, can I sleep with you and mommy in your room?

Siya: Here, come on, let's get you sleeping.

Siya was about to take her back to her room, Sino shook her head at him, was he mad he can't just ignore her like that. That nigga probably wanted sex. She thought.

Sino: Come here baby, come sleep with mama and papa.

She mocked looking at Siya as she took a sleepy Jade from him, leaving him gaping at her like a fish.

They climbed the stairs and went to sleep.

***

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She left! She left me, she fucking ran out of that door and not even once did she look back. I lost her, why does this shit hurt so much? I feel so empty inside, so incomplete and torn. The rage starts to kick in, I don't know why I'm angry, maybe because she left, or she broke her promise or she looked at me like I was the most revolting thing she's ever seen. With those lingering thoughts, i kicked the first thing I saw in front of me, tossed everything around. Broke whatever that was in my sight, because I was hurt and so damn angry. I practically destroyed my living room.

I went to the bar and took the first bottle of gin I saw, if this pain that I feel in my heart doesn't at least subside after destroying my house, maybe alcohol will. I drank the bitter contents of the gin from its bottle, feeling my tears sliding down my face, fuck, what do I do? She hates me, oh shit she fucking hates me, the look in her eyes, the way she flinched when I touched her.

I took a long swing from the bottle, letting the alcohol burn my throat all to my chest and leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I was getting used to the taste as I drank more and more with each second passed. I was a train wreck, fuck I want her back, she can't leave me, she promised me for fucks sake. I sobbed as I thought about everything we did together, the lovemaking, the jokes, the dates, and the fucking dance. It's not enough, I've not had enough of her yet, I need more, I need more of her contagious smile and that snorty laugh of hers. I need more of her warm body on mine, I need more of her lips against mine.

Why is love so damn hard and painful, I don't want much, I just want the love of my life in my arms, safe, secured, and sound. I just want to hold her close to me all night, tell her I love only her and I'm sorry for ever making her cry. I need her back, I'd do anything to get her back, anything. I got up from the stool and walked to our room. Everything smells like her, everywhere in this room I see her, in front of the mirror applying makeup, on my bed sleeping as I stare at her for hours just admiring her beauty. On the balcony, as she wraps her tiny arms around my torso.

I swing from the bottle clutched tightly in my hand, I make my way to the walk-in closet, my steps are shaky and I stumble on things. I open it wide, go straight to her side of clothes. I take one item, which is a dress, God she hates dresses but I bought her this one, and she wore it every day, you'd swear it was the only clothing she possessed. I walked out with the dress, sat on our bed as I held it close to my chest, perhaps trying to hold on to her, I know it doesn't make sense but right now, nothing did. My chest felt like it was being twisted, it fucking hurt. I sniffed the dress, trying to get the smell of her, but it wasn't enough, I needed her.

Me: God, I know I'm not your favorite person right now, but I am here because I don't know where to turn to. Help me! Tell me how to get my love back, tell how to make things right, hell I'll even go to church every Sunday, I'll pray every night, morning, I'll kill fewer people but please bring her back to me!

I sobbed as I held on the dress in my hands.

After feeling like I wasn't going to give up on her, I took my car keys, I'm going to look for her, I don't care how much it's pouring outside, or how drunk I am, I'm going to get my girl. With that, I bolted to my car and hit the road.

As I was driving, everything was blurry, I don't know whether it was because of the rain or because of my drunken state but before I knew it, I had crashed into another car. Last thing I saw before passing out was her smiling up at me with her gray eyes glistening. And the one thing I held onto was that damn dress of hers.