I have gotten used to the pain. His beatings whenever he was angry. But this pain was different. It was the most excruciating pain I have ever endured. I tried to open my eyes, to see that I was in the hospital. So it wasn't a nightmare, it was real. The room is silent and all I could hear are the small droplets on the drip. The sounds of the IV machine. My body stays put, I'm afraid if I move even for a slightest, I'll hurt myself.

I attempt to move my hand to peel off the oxygen mask off my face but I felt something restricting me from doing so. Moving my hand slightly to see see what it was. I saw Snakes sleeping, looking peaceful with his hand clutched tightly on mine. I side glance my other hand to see it also occupied with the drip. Deciding that it's best to wake him up, I move my hand hard enough to wake him.

Snakes: Fuck, you up?

His strained voice croaks out. He rubs the sleep off of eyes. I turn my head to look up the ceiling again. Removing the mask, I breath out, feeling something lift off my chest.

Me: Water.

Snakes: Right...

I hear the contents of water being poured into a glass. Soon enough I'm drinking the water as he holds the glass closely to my lips. After drinking the water. I feel a little lighter. My throat feels less dry.

Me: Can you please adjust my pillow please

Snakes: Sure.

He helps me sit up and lean against the pillow. I close my eyes and open them, now looking down at my stomach, my baby? The memories of what occured make their way to my mind. I start to breath hard and fast. James shot at my stomach.

Me: My baby?

Silence. I don't hear anything other than the heavy breathing coming from me. Why is he silent? Maybe he didn't hear me.

Me: My b-baby?

My voice cracks at the end, and even though I try to convince myself that he didn't hear me, I know he's silent because there's no baby anymore. I look at him, hoping that at least he'll say something but the look on his face says otherwise.

I haven't cried for so many days, even when James almost beat me to death, but with one look from him I break down. The machines start to beep louder than before as I sob. My cry is ugly. I feel hands wrap around me, I clutch on his shirt so tightly as he hugs my body to his chest. My chest heaving up and down with sobs.

Not caring about the pain anymore, I just let it out. All of it, my mother, my marriage, my father and my baby. My poor baby, my sobs are muffled in his chest as I press harder feeling the pain on my stomach. I need to feel it more, I need to feel the pain on my stomach.

He pulls away and looks at the beeping machine, he curses under his breath, I feel weak all of a sudden. I hear him call for a nurse. I start to breathe a little lighter than before. My eyes roll to the back before the darkness consumes me.

****

How could she? How???

Me: Fuckkkkk!!!

I hit the staring wheel, more like breaking it, the noise of the hoot loud, making some people on the lot glare at me while passing, others look at me in a fucked up way.

Me: Fuck off Mbali, uyangizwa ( do you hear me) Fuck you!!!!

Resting my head on the staring wheel, with my hands clutching on it tightly feeling my knuckles hurt but I don't care, the pain I feel right now is more severe than that.

What do I do? Fuck, it's my first child with a woman I fucken love, I'm so in love with her and she goes and becomes fucken selfish. The words left her mouth as if it didn't affect her at all. What about me? She didn't even consider my feelings.

I close my eyes for a minute as the phone starts ringing, searching for the stupid device. I press answer without looking at the caller.

Me: Yes.

Siya: Fuck man, get your ass back at the hospital.

Me: What? What happened?

Siya: It's Mbali!

That's all It took for me to sprint to the hospital, the elevator was taking too long, so I took the stairs, and in a minute I was in the fourth floor. Seeing Sino hugging Siya and sobbing in his chest. My feet halt, I can't move forward. My heart is beating out of my chest. Did she do it? I can't even bear the thought of my child no more in her belly.

Siya notices me and whispers something to Sino who also looks up and turning to look at me with her blood shot red eyes, that does it for me.

I jog to them and look between them and Mbali's ward. Wait where is she? I look back at Siya.

Siya: Emergency room.

I bolt to the ER and stop dead on my tracks as I look over the small see through of the door. There she is, lying there with the Drs hovering over her, what happened to her? She didn't do it did she?

I soon feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn around to look at my brother and I just hug him, not caring that this makes me look like a pussy because the love of my life is fucking fighting for her life in there, I don't care about the baby anymore. I need her to be fine.

Me: I can't lose her man, I-I I'll tell her that I don't want the baby anymore.

I mumble in his shoulder. Siya pulls away and grabs my shoulders. Sitting me down on one of the benches.

Siya: Do you know that after you left she cried so much, Sino tried to calm her down but she wouldn't have any of it.

He sighs as I continue to listen to him.

Siya: She was hyperventilating and her heart rate started dropping and the nurses took her to the ER, she's fighting for her life and her baby's life. When she was being wheeled to the ER, she kept asking them to save her child.

She was shocked by the sudden news and reacted like that, I should have been more lenient on her, I pushed her and now...

The Dr comes out, she walks towards us taking off her mask. I meet her halfway not being able to wait any longer.

Me: Is she okay?

Dr: She suffered a minor heart attack, but she's okay.

Siya: The baby?

Dr: The baby's fine, we managed to stabilize the safety of the child and hers, before her condition could escalate.

Me: Can I see her?

Dr: I'm afraid you gonna have to wait for an hour, we still have to make sure she's stable and we have to move her back to her ward, the ward will need-

Me: Get whatever it needs.

The Dr nods and strides back to the ER, she's fine, I'm so fucken glad, now I need to apologize to her for how I treated her, I shouldn't have. I'd rather lose the child than lose her. I wouldn't be able to live without her. I shouldn't live without her.

***

Hour and a half later, I'm sitting next to her on the chair, holding her hand with the IV connected to her. I bring her hand to my lips and let it stay there for a while, I've been staring at her for the past thirty minutes.

Her eyes start to flatter open. I feel her hand move. She's waking up, and next she's awake looking around as if she can't believe she's still here. Her eyes meet mine. As if something dawned on her, they start to water, the tears slide down her face, falling to the pillow. I shake my head with my own tears threatening to fall.

I move closer to her and put my forehead on hers. I kiss her lips as she cries, her lips taste salty and sweet at the same time, ever so soft. I cup her face in my hands and pull back.

Me: I love you so damn much, I'm sorry.

Mbali: I love you too, I love you so much I'm sorry.

Me: Shhh, don't say anything okay, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

Mbali: Please don't ever look at me like that again, with that hatred, I can't - I couldn't survive you hating me.

Me: I could never hate you , not in a million years, not even if I tried.

Mbali: Promise?

Me: I promise.

Mbali: Is my child okay?

Me: Our baby is good.

With that I kiss her again, I move her a little so I'm laying next to her on the tiny bed, as she rests her head on my chest. The things this woman makes me feel. I kiss the top of her head.

Me: Don't ever scare me like that again.

She doesn't say anything.

Me: I thought I would lose you.

Mbali: I'm sorry, after you left, and I-

Sanele: Shh it's okay.

Mbalu: N- I uhmm- I couldn't bare the thought of losing you, then I started suffocating and then it hit me that I was gonna lose my child- I couldn't do it Sanele, I don't want to kill my baby.

She sobs in my chest as I kiss her head. Seeing her break down like that, destroys everything in me.

Me: Promise me you'll never scare me like that.

Mbali: I promise that you aren't never getting rid of me that easily.

I chuckle and kiss her forehead.

Me: Good, because I plan to have you around for a long ass time, preferably forever.

Mbali: You so cheesy.

She laughs lightly and it's enough to fill my heart with happiness.