"you cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore."

"I want an audience with jungjeon-mama." Though your legs are trembling, you stare down the guards posted at the door of the queen's chambers. The sun has only been in the sky for a few hours, but you could not wait to come here any longer, lest the anticipation consume you whole.

The two guards exchange looks, obviously recognizing you but unsure whether to let you in. Unsure if they want to be responsible for any possible altercations, you think. You cannot fault them for it. But before they can decide, the door opens from the inside to reveal one of the queen's maids.

"Su-uinyeo-nim," she says. "Please, come in."

You follow the maid down long corridors, the dream from last night repeating over and over in your mind. You hadn't been ready to accept Queen Jeonghui's words then, too afraid of the consequences of wanting. But now. Now, the reality of living without him is too much to bear without putting voice to your truth at least once.

In front of the sitting room, the maid comes to a stop. "Jungjeon-mama is in here." Another set of doors are eased apart.

The queen, beautiful and composed, sits on a bench before a low table, with another maid brushing her hair. She slides her cool eyes towards the noise.

You can see no surprise in her expression as she realizes who has come to her. What does that mean? You tense your muscles and walk in, until you are standing directly in front of her.

Perhaps the queen senses your determination, for she says to the maids, "Leave us." Then, when you are alone, she gestures to a bench. "Uinyeo-nim. Take a seat."

A direct order from the queen, but you shake your head. "No, thank you." Afraid you'll lose your nerve if you do.

"Hm." The queen doesn't mention it. Instead, she opens her jewelry box, casually lifting a pair of earrings as if you aren't present. "So, what brings you here at this early hour to pay me a visit?"

You've gone over this conversation so many times in your head, again and again, but none of those careful, diplomatic words feel right in this moment.

For once, you want to cut right down to the core of it. Past the politics. Past the veiled subtleties that make up the royal court.

"Jeonha," you start, your voice raspy but you continue. "Jeonha and I have an intimate relationship. Though he is the king and I a mere—" You cut yourself off, shaking your head. No more of that word. "And I am an uinyeo, not a palace woman, we have been lovers. We are lovers."

The queen's eyebrows raise. But before she can speak, you plow on. It's your turn now, damn it.

"If that makes you uncomfortable asking me for medical advice, I can arrange for one of my disciples to act in my place if you wish. If not, I assure you I will do my best to aid you in all matters, including conception and delivery. But I..." You scrunch your hand into a fist, forcing yourself to breathe, willing yourself stand up straight. "I'll no longer pretend as if he and I have no relationship."

The words are coming on their own, your voice building in shaky volume with each syllable. Everything you've wanted to say for so long, tumbling free. "I will not step aside. I won't acquiesce and let him go. Not even to you, jungjeon-mama. Even if I'm not an official concubine and can never be one, I will stay by his side. I will stand. I will—I will demand my space in this palace, regardless of what you or any of this country's people may think...!"

Instantly, a thick, pensive silence falls in the room.

It's a silence that begs you to say more to break it, but the words die on your tongue. You can only wait. Wait for the explosion you've just lit to blow.

But then—Jungjeon-mama is laughing.

Laughing.

The sound rings out across the empty hall, filling the blankness with your confusion and her mirth. It takes her a full minute to calm, to distill the sound down to quiet chuckling. You are too frozen to ask what the hell that just was. Instead, you just watch as she, still smiling, sets the earrings down and drapes a hand over her lap.

"I wondered how long it would take you to tell me the truth. I'm impressed, uinyeo-nim."

Your trimmed nails bite into your palm as your heart thuds louder in your ears.

"You... You already knew?"

"But of course! How could I not?" She presses fingertips to her flawlessly smooth cheek. "It was one of the first things I learned when I set foot on palace grounds. And even if one of the ladies had not told me, it would have been plain to see on jeonha's face that he is absolutely enamored with you."

Thoughts collide against each other in your mind. It takes all your strength to gather them, to pick out one coherent question. "Then why?" You ask. "Why did you come to me all those weeks ago as if you had no inkling of such things?!"

Jungjeon-mama shifts, her elaborate chima spilling over the bench. "I won't ask for your forgiveness. You must understand I had to test you. To see the strength of your relationship for myself, so I could know whether or not it could ever be broken."

Broken. Your heart pangs with the mere thought.

"You see," she continues, "I have no interest in a man who cannot return my affections. Life is far too brief for such wastes of time." She moves her hand to her arm as she leans forward towards you. "I want to live happily. I am already queen. It was a decision made for me by my parents, but one that will ensure my survival in this world. Having the king's attention means very little to me after that."

Wait.

You feel your eyes widen. If she has no interest—Could that mean? Could it be?

"How much of it was a lie?" You ask bluntly, already steeling yourself for whatever answer comes. But you now know the truth is far better than endless wondering in your own head.

The queen smiles as if she was expecting that question. "Jeonha and I have never been physically together. You will have to ask him for the details of our wedding night, but nothing of consequence happened. Of course, the people believe otherwise, because they must."

"Never?" You repeat, numbly.

You could weep from relief. It washes over you, filling, mending every cut on your heart from these past, vicious months. You were prepared to accept anything she said. You understand the importance of conceiving an heir. But this... This truth is beyond anything you've ever dared to dream of. Yet, that was for good reason.

"What about an heir? Who will rule the throne if not your son?" You ask.

The queen is chuckling again, as if she finds your simple reasoning extremely amusing. "You may have seen the official lineage records, uinyeo-nim, but I have heard the stories. The older servants in the palace know the rumors from several generations back. Do you think our king the first to fall for someone he shouldn't have?"

"I... I suppose not," you reply. She's right. There must have been others trapped by royal responsibility. Others who have let themselves be happy.

"By now, the royal bloodline has likely been muddied so many times that I'd be surprised if there were continuity at all between any three generations." Now, you meet jungjeon-mama's eyes. You find in them an unexpected warmth as she declares, "I certainly don't plan on being alone for the rest of my life. And there are plenty of eligible men in this palace."

She speaks with such authority that you can't help but feel envious. It seems to come so inherently to her, while it has taken all of your courage to even be here. To speak. But still—You are here, standing your ground. You are fighting for yourself.

The queen pushes to her feet and begins to cross the floor to you, but you are no longer scared of such actions. "All I care about is being comfortable. And that my children will be taken care of," she says. "A royal name will more than secure that, regardless of whether or not they are truly of jeonha's blood."

But that's not enough. You have one last question. Perhaps the most crucial one of all. "And if I become pregnant?"

Yoongi's story about his father's former concubine and the assassins haunts your thoughts. You will not allow that to happen again.

"Then all the better."

She stands right in front of you, her hands held regally in front of her as her silk sleeves drape down. "The court will not bother your children as long as I have my own. And if it comes to it, your sons will be eligible for the throne. Better any heir than none in desperate times."

"But you. You will not hurt them?" You press, needing confirmation.

"Never."

Elegantly, Seong-min reaches out her hand, beckoning you to do the same. Though you are bewildered, you offer yours before you can think better of it. She links your fingers together in an uncharacteristically delicate hold.

"Uinyeo-nim." Her voice remains strong, but for the first time, you think it might be kind. "I want to be happy. And now I know what you have decided happiness is for you. It would all be easier if we cooperated."

You nod, immediately, still incredulous at what the truth has brought. "I agree."

She gives your hand a fond squeeze.

As you look at her so closely like this... How very similar to the former queen she is, you think. A comparison that is no longer a dagger through your heart, but a welcome embrace for what is to come. All that is to come, if your king will forgive you for being so utterly foolish for so long.

You want to see him. You need to see him, to tell him all you have uncovered. To share everything that has been lost these past few months.

"Jungjeon-mama... I must go," you say.

She smiles widely as she releases your hand. "I know. Go. Quickly!"

You are panting when you reach the imposing doors of jeonha's residence, your legs aching with how quickly you ran here but each second that passes without seeing him feels like a waste.

Jeonghun stands guard today, and he gives you a friendly smile as you approach. "Su-uinyeo-nim, good morning! Thank you again for your medicine." Then he pauses, noticing your expression. "Ah... Uhh, are you alright?"

Hands on your knees, you nod as you suck in deep breaths. "I-Is jeonha... Is he inside...?"

"Yes, I believe he should be in the middle of his morning readings."

"Thank you. Thank you." Somewhat properly breathing now, you straighten. Push back the hair that has come undone from your bun. You must look like an absolute mess, but you don't care.

To his credit, Jeonghun doesn't give you the chance to ask for entry. He simply opens the door for you, his grin warm and encouraging.

"Thank you," you say one last time before you hurry inside.

The residence is enormous, but you know the way as well as the paths of your own hall. None of the servants hurrying about stop you, as if they too believe you belong there as you speed through the corridors towards the study. Towards your heart.

When you open that final door with a shaking hand, you find Yoongi sitting behind his royal desk, papers scattered everywhere on the wide surface. He looks slightly better than when you saw him last night, but fatigue still has its claws in him, drawing wrinkles and shadows on his brow.

"Eunuch Kim," He starts, without looking up. "I told y—"

"Jeonha."

Yoongi's eyes flash up with an almost inhuman speed. There is surprise, then a joy that takes over his entire face. A relief so undeniable that it almost overwhelms you to see it.

"You're here," he says, his voice dropping down to a whisper.

There is so much you want to say. You should first explain everything the queen has revealed. You should apologize for the cruel things you've said to him, telling him to be with her again and again. But the thing that spills out of your mouth is, "I'm a fool."

He looks bewildered at this confession. It's one of the few honest things you have said to him since your argument and it clearly confounds him.

"Jeonha, I have been a coward," you say.

He seems like he is about to refute your words but just like with the queen, you won't let him. You'll say your share, even if your hands are clammy with nerves and sweat.

"All this time, I have waited. Sat there hoping for you to come to me. I've answered your summons. But I've... never had the courage to reach out for you in turn. Never asked for more because I always thought this had to end someday." You'd been searching for ways to protect yourself, to pull away before he abandoned you without a thought to how that would hurt him in turn. Foolish.

You take a step towards him but no more. Wanting to be in his arms, but afraid you'll lose your conviction if he touches you. "I should've told you my fears. I shouldn't have tried to take every burden onto myself."

He murmurs your name now, not to interrupt, but because he cannot stop the sound. His eyes are so tender, so full of affection and sorrow.

You exhale, letting your fears flow from you to leave only sincerity behind. "Jeonha, I know the truth. You've never taken another woman. But even if you had... Despite everything, you've thought of me. You've made me a priority. And I—I had thought myself powerless all this time."

He pushes up from his seat. Slides out from behind his desk. You watch him descend from the platform until he stands on the same hard ground as you.

"Powerless, when you have all this power over me?" He asks, almost amused at the absurdity of the thought.

You nod. "I should've known that. Should've held my head up high no matter what the other palace women or former concubines said about me because... I have no reason to be ashamed in front of them, regardless of my class. Because I'm the one you chose. Out of all of them. Me."

"And I will always choose you." He is closer now. A few more steps and he'd be close enough to touch, but instead your hands stay knotted together before you, his at his sides. "But it was not my choosing that gave you strength. You are more accomplished in your own right than any of those women. You have improved the lives of everyone in this palace, whether they will admit it or not."

Yoongi has the tiniest smile on his lips, but it carries sadness, fear. "I've never wanted to force you to stay. Or to pressure you into any decision," he murmurs, and you know this to be true. It was true when he asked you to the Chuseok festival back when you were both so young, and it was true when you told him to leave all those months ago. "What my mother had to experience was far too cruel. I didn't want—"

"Jeonha." You make him pause with one hand on his arm. "I-I know it is impossible for me to officially be your concubine, but... I don't care about titles. I will determine what worth my life has. And I choose to remain here in this palace as an uinyeo. As... your lover."

"Is that truly what you want?" He asks, softly, his dark eyes searching your face as if he is still uncertain. "Even though being involved with me has only hurt you, again and again?"

"Don't you see?" You exhale, moving your hands until you are pressing both palms against his chest. Through his silk, his heartbeat is quick, but so utterly steady. "You are not your father. You will learn from his mistakes, not repeat them. And there is nowhere else I want to go. Not when you are here."

His hands are trembling when he brings them to your arms, holding you gently. Like this, you can see yourself reflected in his dark eyes. Eyes that are no longer unfathomable, but warm as they focus only on you.

Your voice is a whisper when you confess, "I want to have a family with you." The secret lifts from your chest, blooming in that precious space between your bodies.

"I do too," he says, "So much."

He leans forward until your foreheads touch, his breath brushing against your nose. You inhale his scent, scrunching your fingers in his robes as if you could have him like this for a lifetime. But then, the corners of his lips turn down.

"But I have to tell you... this might be the one thing I cannot give."

You raise your head. "What? Why?"

"My father... had difficulty conceiving an heir. It is why I have no siblings when a royal family would typically have many. When I asked my father's physician after his death... The doctor told me he suspected a hereditary condition." Yoongi eases back, covering your hands with his own. "One that would pass onto me. And make it unlikely that I will father children."

You shake your head. "Jeonha, unlikely does not mean impossible. You are alive, are you not?" His heartbeat pounds steadily under your grasp. "If we never try, there is never the possibility we might succeed."

Yoongi gives a surprised bark of laughter, the sound waterlogged with emotion thick in his throat. "My mother. She used to say that."

"I know. And it's only now that I understand exactly what she meant."

Leaning down, Yoongi presses his lips to yours. The first kiss you have shared in months, and it isn't until his softness is tangible against you that you realize how much you have missed him. How all your reasoning and logic could never compare to the simple touch of the man you love. You let your lips part, wanting more as you feel him smile into your kiss.

No more words. You don't need them to know how he treasures you. Not when it is evident in the way he cups your cheek with a warm hand, the pad of his thumb brushing your skin. The way he bumps the tip of his nose into you because he needs to be closer.

When you finally pull apart, his lips a little wet, yours still needy, you're both smiling like it's your first time. And in a sense, it is. The first time in this new era of your lives. One that promises to last as long as you are both willing to fight for it.

"Eunuch Kim!" Yoongi suddenly yells towards the door. As you stare at him, puzzled, the door slides open. When the man in question appears, looking harried, Yoongi commands: "Cancel the afternoon meeting."

"But jeonha—"

"Cancel it. And leave us alone."

Eunuch Kim's eyes flicker from you to his king, then back to you. His sigh of surrender is far too exaggerated to be anything but 'finally' in disguise. "As you wish, jeonha. Su-uinyeo-nim." He bows as he shuffles out of the room, nearly bumping into the door frame with how he refuses to raise his head again.

"The man is absolutely delighted," Yoongi mutters when you are alone again, his voice as sarcastic as it is fond.

"I know exactly how he feels," you say, grinning as you pull your king, your love in for another kiss.

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