'I don't need you, I don't need you, I don't need you, I don't need you

But I want you, I don't mean to, I don't mean to, I don't mean to

I don't mean to

But I, But I love you'

"Even after all this I still love you, this is sick" She cries adjusting her fingers on the trigger.

"Nic please don't do thi- ah fuck!" I drop the chain holding my shoulder in pain, this bitch really just shot me.

"I swear to god, word to my mother I didn't fuck up this time" I plead tears sliding down my cheeks.

The room fills with both of our cries as polics sirens could be heard in the distance approaching.

"Why would you call this love when you knew that it wasn't?" She whispers as I clench my eyes shut in pain.

"Don't do this" I plead resting my head against the wall.

Tears stream down her face and my heart aches as a glimpse of the old her appeared, that sweet innocent girl that I had met that night in the club, the same one that I had ran into at the store.

It killed me inside that I had drove that sweet girl into this.

The red and blue lights from the sirens flashed through the blinds as she closes her eyes pressing her finger down on the trigger doing the unthinkable.

I blinked until I was out of the vivid flashback and back in reality.

Taking a deep breath I cherished the polluted air more than I ever did in all my 27 years of living.

A year on the inside had sincerely humbled me, I was more thankful for everything and everybody around me.

"So you gone go see her?" Star's voice cut into my trance with the world outside of her Mercedes Benz.

Her. I hated even thinking about her. I had so much animosity in my heart for her.

Still even with all my anger, rage and mostly sadness filled in my heart towards her, I still read every letter she sent. The fresh papered letters, the crinkled letters, and the tear stained letters.

And even though I never wrote her back she never stopped sending letters, every 2 weeks for a year a letter never failed to be handed to me from a guard.

I hated love.

It was the only answer on why I told the police that I had been shot on the street and ran into my then girlfriend's house, I told them that I had fired back two shots before a silver Honda civic sped away.

I had took a plea deal of one year and a few months for having an illegal firearm, eligible for parole after a year.

I could've let her rot for attempted murder but love saved her.

The way I hated the four letter word with a passion, I felt like I had to throw up everytime it fell from somebody's lips.

Love wasn't shit, and people never shed light on the otherside of love, another four letter word, you have no choice but to accept the four letters if you want to experience the feeling of love because their a package deal.

Love and Pain.

I hated love because I couldn't stomach the pain that came with the type of love I had experienced, the love was rare and beautifully passionate, but the pain was a different breed, nothing that I had ever felt before.

I couldn't even find a word that accurately described the shit.

"I'm gone go over there to get my shit since y'all couldn't and she'll never see me again"

I couldn't send nobody over there to get my clothes and jewelry because that would've been putting her in danger.

I don't know why after all this fuck shit I still felt the need to protect her but I did, even though she doesn't deserve it.

"Yo I swear you better not get back with her, I don't care if the bitch sent a million letters, she shot you, twice!"

It was safe to say that star hated her along with henny. Everybody else just didn't care for her but that didn't stop them from making me have to talk all of them out of going over to her spot and harming her, including rio who was the hardest to get through too.

"You think I would get back with her after this shit? I hated her for a split second too shit. I would never"

As far as I was concerned there was never a "us" fuck that girl.

Taking a deep pull from the stuffed backwood I relax in my seat.

I wasn't supposed to be smoking but I literally needed to smoke so I could be calm and collected, I didn't have time to be flashing out and going back to prison.

I got out 6 months parole but I knew how to temporarily clean my system of weed and if it came down to it I would just seduce my parole officer, she was fine and fit for a 40 year old and I lowkey wanted to dibble and dabble with her anyways.

"I'm just warning you cause if you do I'm beating the shit out of you and her" She shrugs.

"First of all, I'm giving you a run for ya money, second you will never have to worry about that. Now drop me off at alexis spot"

I stared at the door not even wanting to knock cause I was high, fresh off a couple nuts feeling too good and I knew as soon as my eyes set on her my whole mood was gone sour.

But I needed my shit, raising my hand I balled my fist knocking three times.

She had moved to a modern brownstone in Manhattan, she told me in one of the letters mid my sentence.

I wasn't surprised, she was a successful ass doctor and I knew she had PTSD from what she did to me so she couldn't stomach staying at her old spot.

She took all my shit with her though and I was grateful cause she could've threw everything out.

I softly sigh hearing the familiar light footsteps approaching the door.

The door slowly opens and I freeze seeing her again, she had my old black hoodie on with some spandex looking just as beautiful as when I last seen her even with the bags under her eyes.

Her eyes spoke a million words as I drifted into a daze.

Every moment from the night I met her at starlets to that tragic night raced through my mind.

"I'm just here to get my shit" I blurt before I could get too deep in thought.

She nods looking at the floor holding the door to let me in.

Stepping in I waited until she closed and locked the door before following behind her.

I didn't trust her walking behind me and I didn't know her house anyways.

We stayed on the main floor as she led me to a room down a short hall.

"Everything is in here" She softly speaks and I ignore her walking in, flicking the light on the side of the wall on.

Everything was boxed up which made it easier for me, I wanted to be in and out.

Stacking two boxes on top of each other I pick up the bottom lifting them both up.

Turning around I walk out the room balancing the top box as I maneuvered my way out the brownstone.

Carefully jogging down the steps I sat the boxes on the trunk before opening the back door, picking the boxes back up I slid them in the back closing the door behind me.

Jogging back up the steps I walked in the brownstone chuckling as I scooped up the tiny dimpled human being smiling up at me.

"You must be Onari" I smile and she giggles laying her head on my shoulder.

From the most recent letter she had sent me I knew that babygirl had just turned 7 months last week.

She was born April 29th, 2021. Onari Marlenis Maraj 5 pounds 3 ounces, she was a premie that was expected to arrive towards the second week of may but due to her mother not physically taking care of herself she came early.

She looked beautiful and healthy to me though so I was glad all was well and she didn't have long term health problems like many premies unfortunately did, I read a book about it to keep me occupied in jail and my heart really went out to those babies shit was wild sad.

"Nari" I hear her mother calling for her.

"You gone give that girl a heart attack" I tickle her side and she shrieks loudly bursting in a fit of giggles catching her mother's attention.

"She crawled up to the doorway" I simply explain and she nods putting her hands on her daughter's sides to take her out of my arms but the babies sudden cries makes her retreat.

"I'm sorry" She mumbles and I shake my head.

"She bool, everybody wanna party with cardi even the babies" I softly laugh as nari widely smiles flexing the deep dimples she inherited from her mother.

"Yo shorty is ya twin" I chuckle walking over to the couch.

"You mind?" I ask before sitting down and she quickly shakes her head so I take a seat in the middle of the couch.

"Baba?" The infant spoke looking up at me with almost the same pair of slanted eyes I used to adore.

Looking over I reach up grabbing the bottle off the table holding it in front of her but she pushes my hand away.

"Baba" She says again and I chuckle kind of understanding her dialect a little bit realizing what she was referring to.

"My name is cardi, say cardi" I say my name slowly and she looks at me for a minute before parting her small lips to repeat.

"Baba" She smiles and I laugh shaking my head.

"Aight you win"

I was great with kids so I knew exactly what to do until she grew tired, then when she fell asleep I could get the rest of my things so I could leave.

Putting the second to last box in the trunk I quickly jogged up the stairs to go get the last one.

It was almost 12 now seeing as time flew by as I played around with the dimpled infant.

For a 7 month old she was wild energetic, she was definitely gonna be giving her moms a run for her money by the time she turned 2.

Walking down the small hall I walked in the room picking up my last box before turning around flicking the light off in the room.

Walking out the room I walked down the short hall stopping in the living room.

I slightly smiled seeing the chubby brown skinned baby sleeping peacefully on the couch just how I left her, it might sound brazy but in that small amount of time I grew attached to her and I was pretty sure she had grew a small attachment towards me too cause she wouldn't let me leave until she fell asleep.

"You can come see her anytime you want" The soft voice makes my head snap in it's direction.

She was on the last step leading upstairs timidly looking at the floor.

"Thanks, I think I will" I slightly smile looking over at nari one more time.

"Thank you for putting her too sleep"

"It's nothing, happy birthday" I tell her sincerely with a small smile which she returns as I push past her exiting the brownstone for the last time.

Walking outside I close my eyes taking a deep breath.

I still loved her.