I wasn't sure if my plan would work. I didn't even know if he cared or if he would show up. We still hadn't spoken, a fact that caused a stray tear to creep into my eyesight before I could catch myself. I stilled the traitorous emotion with a finger and bit my lip, wrapping my jacket around me tighter as the wind cut through my layers as easily as tissue paper. Leah had delivered the message for me and now it was up to him to reciprocate. This was my only chance to fix things, there was no time for self-pity or waterworks. My heart was pounding against my ribs, but this wasn't about me. This was so much bigger than just me. I pulled into the park and the memory of him confessing his feelings played over and over in my head like a projector. Was it my turn now?

His pine green Jeep sat parked in the same space I'd chosen the very first night we'd formally met, and I stopped breathing momentarily. Was that fate or just coincidence?

"You didn't call." I wrapped my trusty leather jacket around my freezing torso as I joined him in the elements. There was no indication this time to join him in his vehicle and that send tendrils of dread through me. His hands were in his pockets and he was leaning against the driver side of his Jeep watching my every move with calculating eyes as he spoke with a hint of resentment that rang loud and clear in his tone. He was still angry. I couldn't blame him. From his point of view, he must've thought the worst. His eyes were bloodshot and the bags under them were heavy and swollen. Was he high or had he been crying? It broke me inside to think the latter might actually be a possibility.

"Neither did you." I almost wished I could stand the scent of burning tobacco so I could have something to do with my hands beside resist the urge to ring them. Despite the voice in my head telling me to run-not walk back to my own vehicle, I stood my ground. I was a fighter goddamnit and this- was worth fighting for. I couldn't picture the alternative. It might kill me to go back to how things were.

"Are we really doing this right now?" His voice was disbelieving as I interrupted him with a gesture. My hands didn't shake now. No in fact, I had never felt so sure of myself. "That isn't the issue at hand."

"Devi." There was a steeliness there that wasn't a few seconds ago. I wanted to cross the few meters between our vehicles and beg him for forgiveness and throw myself into his arms, but my feet wouldn't move.

"Let me speak." I couldn't stop the break in my voice but took a deep breath, pushing forward. "Please. I've known you for less than six months and yet it's like I've known you an entire lifetime. I swear I've aged ten years just being around you," I chuckled nervously. Judd was rigid; I couldn't even see him breathing.

"But it's more than that. I... I'm not right. And not in the quirky 'I'm different than all the other girls' kind of way. There are days when I dissociate so hard, I've hurt myself unintentionally. I wasn't lying when I told you I have the empathy of a chair either. Something, I don't know what, is seriously wrong with me." He shifted on his feet and rolled his eyes. "But not when I'm with you."

"So, I'm just a crutch for your mental instability?" Those feral green eyes were back, and his body language read irritation. If he had a tail, it would be lashing back and forth like an angry cats'. I minutely panicked. This wasn't helping.

"No that- that's not what I mean at all. I simply mean up until I met you, I'd never imagined I could feel such an array of emotions. That I could feel ." I was in front of him in two wide strides, grasping one of his own in both of mine before bringing it up to my chest and laying it over my sternum where my heartbeat thumped away erratically. He allowed it for a moment, his gaze softening as he leaned into the communication of our skin. "You're the only person that can make it do that Judd. Can make me feel things." My eyes fell to the pavement before meeting his, searching for any glimpse of understanding.

"Then why..." That scowl was back, and his honey whiskey voice was gruff as he slipped his hand away, leaving my flesh feeling hot and cold at the same time. I almost whined at the lost contact. "Why did I find you with my cousin? How can you stand here and tell me these things after that? Why am I not good enough for you?" Something broke in him when he uttered the final sentence and his shoulders sagged with the gravity of his own words. He was leaning against his Jeep again but more so for support as if he were suddenly unable to keep upright alone.

"Judd. I'm telling you these things because it's not true, don't you see? I'm telling you how I feel so you can understand that I would never do something like that. He got in my face and the only reason I didn't break his nose like the last fuck head who disrespected me was because I didn't want your family to dislike me. I want them to fucking like me and I want them to approve of us and I want you goddamnit... Can't you see that? You think after all this time, after everything we've been through, I would demean you and me by making out with your cousin in your kitchen behind your back? Judd I- I suck with words and feelings worse than you do but I promise you this from the bottom of my heart," I hesitantly reached for his hand again and he allowed it. "You mean so much to me. I don't know what this emotion is or how to deal with it or any of the other feelings I have when you're around but I don't want it to ever stop and I would never do something intentionally to jeopardize it."

He was silent as I spoke and even as my words trailed off, he seemed a thousand miles away despite the fact he was only standing a few inches in front of me. Whether he was stuck deep in thought or just not listening anymore, I couldn't tell.

A few moments later he broke the silence. "I don't know what happened that night. It was like I was watching my own behavior from outside my own body. I wanted one thing, but I said another."

"What did you want then? You used some pretty harsh words." I didn't mean to sound so selfish but since we were broaching the subject, I couldn't resist.

"I think I knew deep down it wasn't what it looked like. That you weren't like that. But it was so hard... I know you're broken Devi, I have tried so hard to be understanding and patient. But I haven't been honest either. I was willing to wait for you yes, but that didn't mean it wasn't excruciating to do so. To not be overbearing and jealous and protective but I know that's not what you want or need. I don't know if I can not be those things..."

The dread tightened its grip on my extremities, winding its' way through my body and squeezing my windpipe like a constricting serpent.

"You have this way of building up a person and then falling through at the last second babe, you've gotten better, and I want to be there, but I need more than what you're giving me."

Suddenly it wasn't the issue with Derek anymore. My mind felt like it was going to unreel like an abused cassette tape, the shiny black film unwinding and furling in this godforsaken wintery wind.

"Anything. Please Judd, I-I don't want to go back... I don't want to be numb again," my voice cracked as tears welled up. It felt as if my chest were being physically cleaved in two by his words. "Let me make it up to you. I'll do anything."

He watched me with the face of a man in agony.

"You're serious about this?" his eyes didn't dare stray away from my own as if he were afraid if he even managed to glance away I would disappear with the blistering wind.

"Serious as a heart attack." There was resolve in my world suddenly flowing in my veins and settling in my abdomen as I allowed the tears to streak down my cheeks unashamed. I wanted him to see me cry, wanted him to see that I could show my emotions- that I could have feelings for him.

"I love you." His eyes were soft and kind. My hand ghosted up to lay complacently on his cheek as I hiccupped and smiled.

"I know." I could barely see him through my blurry vision.

"Let's get out of here," his arms were around me before I could even register what was happening. I could feel his lips pressing against my temple as I buried my face into his coat inhaling the scent of sharp motor oil and the sweetly sour smell of marijuana and my heart swelled so big in my chest I momentarily worried it would burst from behind my sternum. Judd Birch was many things but all that mattered in this moment is he felt like home. We would have time to work through the rest. I wanted this; no. I needed this. I needed his whiskey voice and his strong arms and warm smirk and all the little things that made him well, him.

"O-okay," I gave him the most genuine grin I could manage- the bitter frost was clinging to my wet skin and causing my internal temperature to plummet as it bit and tore at whatever exposed flesh it could reach.

"I'll follow you back to your house," he suggested, lifting a hand to wipe my cheek with his thumb. His eyes were glazed, and I wondered if he was holding back his own tears.

"You wanna watch The Shining?" I looked at him expectantly with a half-smile.

"Whatever you want darling," his voice was smooth and reassuring and settled in me and warmed me from the inside out. I wanted to remember what he sounded like always.

I didn't bother with words, escaping his grasp to clamber back into my Jeep- the interior already cold and quiet despite only being turned off for a few minutes. The engine roared to life and I rushed it into reverse, double checking that he was following as a small voice inside me wondered if this was all a dream or some sick joke. His own vehicle was already reversing, awaiting me to pull out completely.

Checking the road, I couldn't help but flash anxiously to the rearview mirror again as I started out of the exit with a pang of excitement, hitting the gas unnecessarily. We would get to my house and I would turn on the movie and make him a mug of that marshmallow lover's hot chocolate that he liked and we could lay in bed under all the covers while I listened to his heartbeat and he played with a strand of my hair again.

I was so preoccupied with my own mental ramblings I didn't see the Dodge Ram run the stop light on my left side.

There was a loud bang and then there was pain and everything went black.