Leah and I were setting chips out on the counter when the doorbell rang, signaling guests were arriving. Christmas music was playing from somewhere in the den and every inch of the Birch household was covered in festive decorations. Nick had enlisted the help of his friends earlier in the day to help him hang sparkly golden garland from every accessible surface, light refracting off the soft plastic drapes in every direction. The yellow vines reminded me of some invasive species of plant, taking over every available location and choking out anything that dared try to compete for resources. I tried not to feel like the Grinch as I held onto a large red bowl that Leah was dumping tortilla chips into and gave the garland hanging dangerously off the table an apprehensive glance.

We wore matching ugly Christmas sweaters, the cheap dyed wool scratchy and thin and decorated with glowing lights. My hair was tucked into a loose side braid and I'd paired the sweater with a pair of fleece-lined black leggings and my vans.

Judd was, as he predicted, nowhere to be found. He had left earlier in the afternoon and wasn't answering my texts. I could only imagine he was probably off somewhere brooding or breaking the law. Anarchy didn't take holidays off after all.

"Just wait until the wine starts flowing. My aunt Donna is a mess. Oh, and whatever you do, do not bring up anything political with my uncle Mark." Leah was going through the family tree, rambling off things to remember but I could only hope to try to remember it all.

"Leah!" A squeal of delight broke up the conversation and we both looked up. A girl who looked around our age was barreling towards us at full speed. She didn't stop until she collided into Leah and grabbed her up in a bone crushing hug. She was shorter than both of us and had pin straight brunette hair and a splash of freckles.

"Bridget! My favorite cousin! I didn't think you guys were coming... Isn't Derek home from basic training?" Leah embraced the girl while I stood there awkward and silent, holding the bowl of tortilla chips with clammy hands. "Oh, this is Devi by the way, she's a good friend of mine. Devi this is my little cousin Bridget."

"Nice to meet you!" She turned to me and flashed an eccentric smile before releasing Leah. "Yeah he's back. And a bigger douche than ever." The brunette rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. A shadow in my peripheral moved and my eyes flashed immediately towards the movement. A young man with the signature Birch family jawline, cornflower blue eyes and a buzzcut stood in the doorway, leaning on the wooden frame with his own arms crossed loosely in front of him as he watched us. He was dressed in jeans and a navy striped polo shirt that was tucked into his belt.

"I thought that was your favorite cousin Leeloo?" His voice was deep and smooth and gave Leah a faux hurt expression. I could only assume he was Derek.

I chuckled. "Leeloo?" Leah gave me a dirty look as I continued. "Like from the Fifth Element?"

"Yeah. He was obsessed with that movie when we were kids." Leah took the bowl from my hands and set it down on the table roughly. "Devi this is my annoying ass cousin Derek. Don't let the good looks fool you, he's a big asshole. Probably worse than Judd."

"Where is ol' Juddy anyway? Locked in his room slitting his wrists to his emo music?" Derek joked, pushing himself off the doorframe and coming closer. Instantly my eyes narrowed on their own accord and I had to bite my tongue.

"Shut up Derek. He's not here." Leah sighed, grabbing the dish from me and setting it on the table. There was a crack of electric animosity in the air and suddenly I wasn't sure I wanted to be situated between Leah and her cousin. I swallowed the smirk that was beginning to form at the corners of my mouth as I moved around the table and stood by the fridge instead. She might not like her brother, but it warmed my heart to see Leah defend him.

"Leah can you ladies help me in here?" Diane's voice broke through the lightening storm that was beginning to loom over the small space and Derek opened his mouth to say something, but I grabbed Leah's hand and headed for the den where her mother was calling for us.

**

Leah hadn't lied about her family. It only took a few glasses of wine for people to relax, and with it their individual personalities began to truly surface. Leah and I were sitting on the couch; she was holding an infant and I was settled several feet away, trying to make myself as small as possible from the situation.

"How can you not love this face Devi?" Leah cooed, eyes still on the baby tucked into the crook of her arm safely. I could smell the sickly-sweet wafts of baby powder and milk coming off the neonate and that alone was enough for me to double check that I had taken my birth control.

"It's not that I don't love babies, more like we have a mutual understanding. I don't mess with them and they don't mess with me." I motioned from myself to the tiny creature and gave her a look as if she was supposed to nod her tiny head in agreeance. I didn't hate children, but I had about as much maternal instinct as the couch which we were seated on did.

"But look at those squishy cheeks!" She smushed the infant's face who proceeded to giggle and squawk in delight. "Little peachy, aren't you?"

"Leah would you mind feeding her?" The clearly exhausted mother asked beggingly from several feet away. She was holding out a diaper bag in hopes that the girl would take it.

Leah struggled with the baby and I stood. "I can get it. You've got your hands full relax Leah." Honestly, I was totally fine with putting some distance between me and the baby anyway. I grabbed the laden down bag from the woman whose name had escaped me and pulled out an empty bottle and the formula and headed for the kitchen.

"Do you know how to make a bottle?" Leah watched me quizzically.

"Yes, Leah I'm not stupid." I stuck my tongue out at her and left before she could retaliate. I didn't like holding babies, but I knew the basics on how to care for them.

The kitchen was quiet and empty when I entered. Some of the garland had come loose and now snaked across the barstools, daring anyone brave enough to sit down and become ensnared in the yellow tentacles.

The bottle was sitting in a warm water bath while I leaned against the sink and checked my phone innocently. Judd still hadn't messaged me, and it made me chew my lip. I wouldn't blow him up- I was better than that. But the lack of attention did hurt my pride. What was he up to?

A whisper of a touch broke my thoughts and I turned around to see Leah's cousin standing uncomfortably close to my back.

"Boo."

"Hey man don't go sneaking up on people. That's how you get hurt." I warned. Even as the words left my lips, my hands were curled into fists. He was lucky I hadn't turned around swinging.

"You're like five-foot-tall," he laughed, and a twinge of annoyance passed over my features. He rested a hand on either side of me, effectively trapping me between him and the sink. "I don't think you could hurt me if you tried."

"You're Leah's family and it's Christmas so I'll give you a warning. Back the fuck up dude." I tried to move past him, and he stopped me.

"Oh, don't give me that shit. You little goth freaks eat guys like me up. You don't want to admit it, but you love authority. You crave normalcy. Want a big man to put you in your place, don't you? Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. What's your story? Daddy issues? Or maybe a touchy uncle hm?" His breath was hot against my face and there was something stroking the exposed skin of my neck. Oh Hell no.

"Excuse me?" My breath came out in gasps which he must've misinterpreted as anxiety or worse, lust. I was fucking fuming and trying to keep my wits about me. I'd already shown my ass in front of Leah's family once. I really did not want to make a fool of myself, but this guy was cruising for a bruising.

One of his hands curled around my throat loosely, interrupting my thoughts on how to get out of this situation without breaking his nose. "Bet you like it when they choke the life out of you don't you?"

"You fucking-" I snarled losing my composure and raising a hand when a noise behind Derek stopped me. I stood frozen when a familiar set of juniper eyes locked on mine.

Judd was clearly inebriated. His posture was slouched and his hair disheveled but the look on his features despite his glazed, half-lidded eyes was murderous. If looks could kill...

"Am I interrupting something?" His voice was sardonic and virulent. How much of that had he seen? Derek released his hold and stood erect, turning halfway to face Judd who had a dangerous smile plastered to his face and took a step toward us. I couldn't move. Fear surged through my veins.

"Was just talking to Leah's friend. How are you Judd?" Derek was apprehensive but greeted his cousin warmly as if he hadn't just been feeling me up. But of course, he didn't know about Judd and me, why would he be concerned?

"Ohhh, I'm doing just fine! What are you up to nowadays besides assaulting defenseless little girls?" Judd took another step toward his cousin, his body tensed as if it was taking every fiber of his being not to swing on him.

"Man what," Derek chuckled and playfully punched Judd in the shoulder. "Just giving her a hard time. We were just joking around. Weren't we?" He looked at me for my own accord. I shook my head and tried to piece together a sentence, tears springing to my eyes.

Judd's eyes were on me again as if seeking answers. There was a flash of hurt but that was quickly covered up by a fierce scowl and he was turning on his heel and heading back towards the party.

My heart dropped. I didn't know what he was doing but I had to go after him and explain.

"Judd..." I tried, leaving Derek standing there confused as I rushed after him. "Judd listen please!"

"Leah!" His gruff voice was slurred and angry as he entered the den and I had to stop suddenly to avoid running into him. "Leah!"

She looked up from the baby and frowned. "Judd what do you want?"

"Leah guess what!"

"Judd stop," I tried, grabbing his arm and silently begging him to look at me.

"I've been fucking Devi for months now." He shoved my hand off his arm with a snarl before turning back to my friend. Now everyone had gone quiet and suddenly all eyes were on us. "I even asked her to be my girlfriend ya know? But she's clearly incapable of human connection. She didn't want to tell you but ya know what? I think it's time we cleared the air! Isn't this therapeutic?" He was practically roaring at his little sister.

The other teenager sat there staring dumbfounded at us.

"Judd," Diane started abrupted, starting towards her son with an awkward smile on her lips.

"How's it feel, Devi?" He asked facing me as Diane grabbed his arm softly and began leading him away. Surprisingly, he relaxed into his mother's touch and allowed it but not before giving me a smirk and blowing a kiss in my direction.

It took me a moment to take in the situation but quickly I recovered and then all of a sudden I was running on instinct, the nasty voice in my head that had been silent for months suddenly roaring like a lion in my mind over the thrumming of my heartbeat in my ears as I quite literally made a mad dash for the door. Nobody moved to stop me and wave after wave of humiliation washed over me, threatening to knock me off my feet and swallow me whole. The wind cut right through my clothes and left me feeling numb in seconds.

"You've really done it this time."

"They all hate you..."

"You don't deserve their love, much less his."

"Disgusting. Ugly. Worthless."

The tears streaming down my face stung and partially froze in the icy air as I stalked towards my Jeep, keys in hand.