Staring at the words on my phone, I bit my cheek and resisted throwing my phone in the nearest trashcan. Returning the cellphone to my pocket, I tried to focus on Tallulah and Leah bickering over something inconsequential as we sat in the food court at the mall, taking a rest from shopping.

My mother was texting and calling me on a weekly basis, attempting to reconcile and I, in true teenaged angst, was ignoring her. That was a whole other problem I needed to deal with that I was putting off.

Tallulah needed something to wear for her date with whoever she was currently into. It had only been two weeks since the Halloween party, and she was over her crush on Leo and onto her next beau.

I on the other hand, was not. Sighing, I let my chin rest on my hand as I watched my friends bicker. I felt as if I was awakening from a lifetime of slumber when I thought about Judd Birch. Absentmindedly my free hand traced my jeans where just on the other side of the fabric, the bruises he'd left on my thighs were fading away.

My mind was numb and unfeeling when he wasn't around and while it was unrealistic to think a boy could cure a mental illness, he definitely did something good for it. It sounded cliché to say he made me happy and yet, being around him no matter how I felt about him, did make me happy amidst other things.

Was I in love with him? Surely not. But I'd be a liar if I didn't agree it was something more than an innocent crush.

I thought back to my bedroom where his jacket was intermingled with my blankets. I'd slept with it every night since he'd accidentally forgotten it at my house, inhaling his scent and falling asleep thinking about his strong arms around me like they were in the bathtub. I would take that secret to the grave though.

A warm fuzzy feeling radiated in my chest and pulled my phone out again and bit my lip. For the last two weeks I'd been debating with myself about texting him. I literally never saw him at school, never even spotting his Jeep in the parking lot. And I couldn't exactly ask Leah about him without rousing suspicion.

I should just text him...

No. I remembered how he left in a rush after we had sex.

Shame forced me to slip my phone back to it's resting place. He hadn't reached out to me either. Clearly, he'd changed his mind about how he felt. I couldn't be mad at him; I was not something to adore nor was I worth his time. I couldn't give him whatever it was he was looking for.

But I wanted to. A sense of determination urged me toward my pocket again.

Grasping the plastic and yanking it from my jacket for the third time, I nearly dropped it in surprise when it buzzed unexpectedly.

My hands were clammy and sweating as I read the text. It felt almost unbelievable he had messaged me and for a split second I wondered if he was thinking about me too. I didn't even know how to reply. My chest was pounding as epinephrine pulsed through my body.

"Devi?" Tallulah's voice broke my concentration and I quickly looked up at her with wide eyes like a child who had been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. "Are you alright?"

"Oh, u-uh yeah fine sorry." I hastily answered, shielding my phone from prying eyes.

"Ooh you're blushing again. Is that the mystery man by chance?" Leah smirked playfully, poking at my shoulder with a stray straw wrapper.

"Mind your business Leah," I smiled, sheepishly rubbing a hand along my neck.

"Thank fuck, now you can quit sulking. It's been like a week and a half!" Leah fired back, going back to her food.

"Two actually," I corrected glancing down at the text again as I decided on a response.

"God you sound like a love-sick puppy," Leah laughed with a glint in her eyes. "This is a side of you I never thought existed. What's so special about this guy?"

"Honestly, I don't even know how to explain it." I giggled nervously. Hell, I couldn't even understand it myself. How does one explain to others that a boy makes you feel safe and warm and wanted in a world that has shown you otherwise without sounding like a desperate child?

My phone buzzed and I didn't even want to look at it out of fear, having to force myself to open the text message.

My heart practically left my body as I countered with a reply.

**

I was sitting at the park by Leah's house after I'd dropped her off hours later. There was a new dusting of snow settled on everything, causing an unnatural silence as I pulled into my usual parking place and shutting off the engine. I was early but that didn't matter- I needed the time to gather my wits. Pulling out my very last joint, I inhaled quickly as I lit it, hoping the THC would ease my nerves. I still couldn't fathom how anxious being around Judd made me. It was if I forgot how to act like myself. Or at least the me I thought I should be I suppose.

I was reclined in my seat, watching the white-grey smoke curl and dissipate against the ceiling when I heard the roar of another engine. He was early too, I cursed and put out the joint in the ashtray.

Sitting up hesitantly, I glanced over to see him killing his own engine and sighing with his eyes closed. The action struck me deep, but I don't know why I expected anything else. He didn't want to be here, he was just retrieving his jacket and selling me weed. Strictly business, I was just an inconvenience.

He motioned for me to join him in his vehicle and I bit my cheek but complied with a deep breath and shaky hands. Being in that small space meant his scent would be all around me and he was within arm's length.

The smell of his vehicle was just as I remembered it when I climbed into his passenger seat and shut the door. A painful cold shiver swept through me that had nothing to do with the bitter weather.

"Long time no see," I acknowledged coolly, trying not to look him in the face and instead played with a stray fiber on the fabric I had clutched with both hands tightly. If I was being frank, I didn't want to give it back and a part of me considered objecting to it. It was the least I deserved for him leaving like I was some cheap slut.

He didn't say anything, instead he chewed the corner of his mouth. His hands were gripping the bottom of his steering wheel loosely. The atmosphere was tense, and I felt like I was choking on it already.

"Look Devi. About the other day..." he started; nervousness evident in his voice. My breath caught midway in my throat and I looked him in the face. "I'm sorry."

"What are you apologizing for?" My words were barely above a whisper. There was no way I could have predicted this situation and I felt helpless, my hand inching for the door handle.

"I shouldn't have left like that. I can only imagine how that must've made you feel."

I started to respond but he interrupted. "Please let me finish. This is hard for me to say and I'm not- I'm not good with emotions at all. I had to leave though because of you."

I threw him an affronted look, but he held up a hand to stop me.

"Please Devi." I bit my tongue and watched him with narrowed eyes.

"You're in my fucking head. I... I don't fucking know how to explain it, but I haven't stopped thinking about you. You... I..." he was struggling with his words and sighed. "I feel this overwhelming need to protect you and-"

"I don't need your fucking help," I hissed, clinching my fists instantly and going into defense mode.

"Trust me you crazy bitch I know, you've got the meanest right hook I've ever been hit with," he chuckled darkly with a hint of fondness, absently rubbing his jaw as if reminiscing the memory before continuing. "What I'm trying to say I guess is that I have developed these feelings that I wasn't expecting, and I don't really know what to do with them and honestly, it scares me. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly known for being loving and cuddly."

Quieting down, I dropped my face down and relaxed as I took in his words, trying to process what he was saying.

"You've told me how you feel, and I know you're not looking for the same thing as me, but I can't keep it in anymore I've been driving myself insane over this for the last few weeks. I avoided you and it didn't go away and then I tried to embrace it and you weren't receptive. Half the time I didn't know if it was you or me fighting it."

I didn't have to look up to know he was watching for my reaction. This eighteen-year-old boy- no man had put himself completely on display for me to see, wholly vulnerable and defenseless, essentially handing me a knife and telling me to do whatever I want. It was enough to knock the wind out of me and I was suddenly thankful to be seated as I mulled over what he said. Confliction kept me silent, half of me was begging to throw open the door and run at the slightest hint of human connection, insisting we needed to get the Hell out of this car that smelled like motor oil and Judd before it was too late while the other part of me insisted I needed to let go of my insecurities and listen to him.

"It wasn't even that bad..." I mumbled, refusing to look up, a fiery blush flushing my cheeks as butterflies filled my stomach, begging to be released and for a moment I worried if I opened my mouth, I might vomit on him again.

"What?"

"I didn't even hit you that hard," I spoke up, the start of a shy smile on the edges of my mouth.

A smile broke his steel composure and one of his hands reached for me hesitantly.

I allowed it and his hand gingerly cupped the side of my face, feather-light and warm, sending a shock of lightening up and down my spine. I'd missed those calloused hands more than I realized and a feeling of yearning spread through my chest as the truth dawned on me: I fucking missed him. Not just his hands and his affections but his smooth Tennessee whiskey voice and his signature green eyes and his uncanny ability to bring out my emotions.

"Judd you can't fix me," I gave him a sorrowful smile but leaned into his touch, hoping my unstated words spoke louder than the ones I said.

"Devi, I don't want to fix you," He clarified with a soft, unwavering tone and pulled my face to his and captured my lips in a kiss that while gentle, demanded correspondence to which I was happy to oblige. I practically melted into his touch, having been starved from the very thing I'd been longing for, for an entire fortnight. The hand on my cheek crept down and curled around the back of my neck, urging me closer and I conceded, happy to be in his embrace.

He broke away a moment later but not before placing one, two, three, small pecks against my lips and when he finally looked up into my eyes, it was as if a weight had lifted from his shoulders and his eyes were sparkling, the grin he still wore was stretched ear to ear. It was the happiest I had seen him well, ever. I couldn't fight a smile of my own from forming on my features. His happiness was contagious.

"I'm not going to promise anything. I have the empathy of a chair, but we can try," I explained, unwilling to look anywhere but his snake green eyes that had me hypnotized from the very first time I saw them. The air felt lifted as I took off the metaphysical mask I wore and laid it aside, willing if nothing, then to attempt this just for him. I felt exposed and yet, as my mind went back to the time he'd snuck in my room, I wanted this, and I wanted Judd Birch.

"That's all I'm asking for," he murmured, kissing me again softly in an unspoken agreement. My head was swimming and it had nothing to do with the weed.

I broke away this time. There was one issue that had been weighing on my mind since the very beginning, to which I had no solution.

"What are we going to do about Leah?"