One human after another is shoved into my arms, a steady rhythm of them being drained but ripped away just in time to save their lives. The frustration built with each life that was saved, but I didn't pay much attention when I had another neck to bite into.

Another way to calm that endless burn in my veins. Eventually, it begins to die down, taking away the ravenous nature that comes alongside the species I'd been forced to live as. To survive as. Images of my past hunts come flashing through, the monster that will always reside behind my ability to hide in such human-looking skin.

My hope to find peace in the cabin backfired horribly, the only thought on my mind involved silver eyes and the best tasting lips I'd ever encountered. Two weeks of sleep had left me restless, mix it with the images of Alarik running through my head and it created an unfamiliar emptiness that sat on my chest like a heavy rock. It certainly did not make for a good or relaxing time.

Leslie denied my request to go for a run, even a walk was refused. A worried mother with a bad mouth being the role she played, relief in her eyes every time they laid sights on me. No matter how much I wanted to yell at her, to become angry at her for keeping me caged like an animal I understood that she genuinely thought I'd been lost.

She'd seen me beg for death over life, and I knew how much that had to have hurt her. After I'd given her that same choice so many years ago, I understood it was more like a knife of truth being shoved into a woman who'd had my back for so long. I was almost repulsed for letting her see that side of me. After everything, that has been the action that would forever haunt me. For her to know I'd been willing to give her up—for a sense of peace that she'd herself fought to stay away from.

She'd wanted life, held on so tight, and then I'd let go so easily. Even with the pain from whatever bond the Lycan had created, nothing made me more uneasy than knowing the pain id' caused someone so close. My only friend.

The Lycan I held so much rage for had saved her friend, and deep-down Leslie was ashamed that she could not be angry about it. I knew that, but I ached to tell her she was always in the right. That she should beat her anger into me, yell at me and express just how selfish I had been. Leslie deserved so much better than the realization I had forced onto her.

"That man's smell makes me want to vomit—make him leave," I mutter bitterly, by the howl of pain that comes from right outside the door I know he's heard me. I'm trying to push out all of the guilt that is choking me, all of the aching coming from my chest—the heart that cannot beat is filling me with uncomfortable anguish.

Every hour or so the Lycan would get up from his nicely dug spot in the snow, the same place he'd been since I'd arrived at the cabin, and do a check of the perimeter. My eyes stay trained on the entrance for a few minutes, plans of breaking through the door and running all the way home a revolving flash through my mind. I'd do whatever was necessary to beat the Lycan, to stay out of his desperate grasps.

The sound of a suppressed sob draws my attention back to Leslie, and I am moving towards her in a breath. So much guilt. A lifetime of regret rolling through me. I am a shit friend.

"What's wrong?" The question forces more tears from the woman as I embrace her, trying to give her the same comfort I had received only a short while ago. Could I ever make this up to her?

"You kept calling me momma, after Alarik bit you. I have never seen you look so happy, so free of pain and suffering the entire time we've been together. At first, I thought you were just seeing things, and the bond was taking over your emotions, but I realized you wanted to die. You wanted your family back, the life you lost, and that you wouldn't be at peace until you got them."

She is sucking in unneeded air with each harsh cry, I've put her at arm's length so I could try to show her that I care more than I could ever admit. That even though I wanted my family back, that fact did not mean I wanted to let her go. She would have been my greatest loss. Leslie takes a few steps back, putting space between us—which disturbs me.

My lack of ability to give back words of love, to express everything I feel so deeply is stuck in my throat.

I curse myself over and over as I try.

I should be giving her reassurance, making her feel better with words that did not confirm her belief of me choosing death over her. But the woman can practically smell my lies as they leave my mouth, and she would never believe me if I tried to tell her I was just out of my mind. I was lost in pain and emotions in the moments of begging for death, but those words had not been false.

The poison had not forced them from me, I had done the damage all on my own. As usual.

I had been awake and aware of what I was doing and saying and exactly who would hear me say it. Another ache in my dead heart.

"Leslie, you know what he took from me. He is no better than the vampires that forced me into this life, anything I said after he had bitten me wasn't directed towards you. I'm sorry you had to hear me say those things but—" She's moving further from me, angry and sad mixed into one soul as she stares at me with watering eyes. I wish she would hit me. Give me her emotions in a way I could understand, I can take the pain of a backhand and would prefer it over the way she is making me feel in this state.

"He did, and I cannot imagine the true pain of you losing them again Eira. But you forget that when you changed me, we shared each other's worst nightmares, I witnessed your families slaughter through your eyes. That is why I wanted to give you a choice because I understand that yours was taken away, but I had thought you would choose us. I'd been stupid enough to expect you to give up what I had."

I try to take a step forward, wanting to close the distance between us for not only her comfort but mine. I needed her, her hugs, and her reassurance but my once dead soul wanted nothing more than to bring her peace.

Peace in a decision I never should have attempted to make. I had thought I would deal with the consequences of the choice. I didn't know I'd have to face the tears of someone who would've mourned me.

When I move towards her again, she puts more space between us, and I give up on my chase.

"Right before you passed out for the last time you had me by the arms, nails dragging across my skin—" She chokes on a sob, "—you explained how relieved you were for it to be over. To have the life you wanted back, that dying was giving you everything. Over and over you begged to be with me again, with your m-momma. How am I supposed to deal with that? How am I supposed to forget the happiness in your eyes while you laid on what you thought was your fucking death bed, Eira? How?"

I stare at her, my hands covering my mouth as I try to think of anything that would properly put into words how much I regretted the words I'd used to hurt her. I'd never do it on purpose, seeing her cry broke my heart in a way I couldn't describe. In a way I didn't know was possible, not after what I'd been through while human.

She does not run when I reach for her this time. Instead, she wraps herself around me and sobs against my shoulder, gripping onto me as though it was the last time she'd ever see me.

"You're one of the best things to happen in my life, Friend. Living is worth it if I can spend the rest of eternity with you." My words make her cry harder, and I let them sit in the air around us as she releases her built up struggles.

After a while of holding Leslie, she begins to calm, until I feel it's the right time to lead her to the second floor and begin tucking her into the large bed that'll keep her comfortable. She'd want to be alone for a while, as always, and after I kiss her on the head, I leave her to it.

Only when her door is shut does the pain from the Lycan return, my body being hit with every emotion moving through him as he pushes them onto me. Could I have a few moments of peace? Would he not give me that much as I still stand here, trying to put my friend and myself back together?

I stomp to the front door, throwing it open and staring outside until I find those familiar eyes. The sight of him drags my will to yell and curse from me, and I'm forced to compose myself before I begin my bitchfest.

He's shifting into the skin quickly, standing only ten or so yards away as I run my gaze over every perfect inch of his body. I just glare harder, trying to be unaffected by the sight of flawlessness before me.

After his first few steps towards me, my hand is raised, trying to stop him before he has enough momentum to change and reach me in seconds. I would not be able to fight off my own need for him if that happened.

"You need to leave, Alarik. I'm abandoning this pack tomorrow, and once I get home you will never see me again." He flashes his teeth, a long growl released from his chest. My hand raises an inch higher as if that'll be what stops him. "Don't you dare? I don't want you here."

His heart is beating quickly, and I can see his hesitation in what his next action will be. Both of our minds are reeling, with want and anger and anything else imaginable.

Alarik narrows his eyes at me when I make a move to go back inside, and he's making a naked dash in my direction in an instant. I spin away, unable to stop the lust from escaping my pores just before I slam the door in his handsome face.

"We can't test the bond like this, it's unnatural." He whines against the door, hitting it repeatedly with his fists but not hard enough to do any damage. The male's words are pleading, and they tug at me with invisible hands that I do my best to fight them off.

I stand there for a moment, envisioning the outcome if I opened the door and, my heart, to allow the Lycan inside.

What would happen if I let him in, let the man get everything he wanted? Would I be happy? Could I be happy in the role he so desperately wants me to play in his and his pack's life?

"This bond is unnatural, Lycan." My hard tone ends the fight as I hear him sigh in defeat. I slide down the door, resting my head against it and doing my best to ignore his steady breathing on the other side. It's over an hour before he leaves, curses and growls left in his wake.

The man had been sure this bod would bring love and happiness, and now he was beginning to realize it would only bring pain. Eventually, I crawl to the couch, doing my best to find sleep. Even though I don't need sleep, it's an escape so similar to what I've wanted. To what I almost had. For the first time since meeting him, the Lycan is nowhere to be found in my dreams.

"Hide Eira, we need you to hide." My mother's rough hands push me into the only place she'd deemed safe as roars and screams seep through our thin walls. The voices are so familiar it hurts. I want to ask her why they won't let me help, that if the creatures got inside, I could help protect our home—but I'm too scared to speak.

My mother's eyes are wide, full of panic as she looks from one window to the other with fear coating her skin. Father was outside, alongside my brothers as they fight off the beasts outside.

We aren't winning, their pained screams and begging give that away quickly. Everyone was screaming—I'd never heard pain expressed so vividly. What kind of death was I about to endure?

When the walls are destroyed, and I can see the bodies of my family strewn across the ground in the most grotesque ways I'm finally met with the calm voice of a male. I can't account for them all, too many bodies spread across grass that is covered in red.

I ignore everything he says, only focusing on the screams as my only surviving family member is thrown our floor and...hurt. My mother tries to hold back her sounds of anguish, but it is no use. The grunts of men and her pleading cries force the whimpers from my mouth, they drain her before he rips me from under the bed that I'd been shoved under. In hopes that the men who'd knocked down what were such steady walls, would not look under hear.

I'm sure my helpless screams will be the last thing I ever hear, and then I'm in the dark.

My back is against a wall as I pull my knees into my chest and cry pathetically in the room I'd been kept in for weeks or months...I wasn't sure anymore.

I hadn't worn clothes since I'd arrived, cold and miserable were how I spent my days. Every inch of my body ached, all from the touch of the one vampire who could not seem to leave me alone. When Ivan enters the room again, I can't do anything to stop him as he lays on top of me, strokes my face with his cold hands, and tastes my skin with his tongue. Every inch of me begs for this horror to end, after so long of him taking everything from me death is the only solstice I can imagine having.

"Today's the day..." He groans, forcing into me again. A routine he's created, one he never forgets to follow. Cries leave my lips, but the fight left me so long ago that there's nothing I do to help myself. How ashamed my parents would be, to learn the daughter they'd taught to fight—to never give up was allowing the horror of a bloodsucker to do anything he wanted. I'd fought for days.

Tried to get away—to save me from his torture but when he took away food or when he beat me...I learned quickly I would not win this battle. No matter how many times I kicked, or hit, or bit he didn't seem willing to kill me. A prisoner in hell. This is hell, and he is the devil.

"You're going to join us, spend forever with us. With me."

His fangs enter my neck for the hundredth time, drawing long gulps of blood and I can tell this time is different as my body falls into a numb existence. I almost smile, imagining that he's finally decided to kill me. To give me back to the ones I love. As my eyes fall shut, I'm overcome with happiness. A belief that my pain is over—that whatever god is watching has decided I've suffered enough.

Alarik's pained howls wake me up, my nails digging into the couch as the remaining tears pour down my face and I begin feeling over my body. I touch every inch, remembering how there was not a part of me without bites or bruises when he'd had me imprisoned.

I mumbled to myself over and over, trying to remind my mind and an aching body that it was a dream. A memory. It's over, it's been over. I'm okay.

The room is gone. Ivan is gone. The pain...it's no more.

I repeat the words to myself until they feel real.

The Lycan had felt my pain, my fear, and everything in between. Once again, I feel helpless, knowing that knowing would ever be my own again. Every cry of pain from his mouth reminds me of my own during those weeks of captivity, and for the first time, I am wishing the man would break into this cabin to comfort me. As stupid as it is, for I could easily walk out and have him take me into his arms.

I could end the suffering in his chest, the one that I feel so vividly is sickened me. Give in to the Lycan and see where this could go, and if he broke down that door right now and forced me against him, I would not fight.

But he does not, and I am left with only myself during the painful hours following my nightmare. The one that I have much too often.