"Hello? Earth to Ivan?" Vera waved a hand in front of my face, startling me as I diverted my attention from staring out into the parking lot to her. "Are you alright? You seem really. . . out of it," she raised an eyebrow, looking me up and down closely.

"Some things are happening at home. Mrs. Clarissa has cancer. The outlook isn't good," I muttered absentmindedly, messing with my notebook pages.

"Shit, I- I'm so sorry," she breathed, staring down at her desk.

"Things are just rough right now," I supplied with a dead tone.

"Yeah, I can only imagine," she whispered, giving my arm a comforting squeeze as the teacher began her lesson. "I'm so sorry."

My head was in a kind of fog the entire day, time seemed to go by so fast, and I was retaining none of the information being taught. It was as though a parallel universe had opened up, an entirely different timeline where nothing added up and everything seemed slightly out of place. Not enough to be entirely obvious, but just enough to where it really got under my skin. I was trudging through my daily life like it was the Twilight Zone.

Ethan insisted that we sit at a quieter, more secluded table, and Vera was eager to agree. I sighed, willing to comply only if they didn't try to dwell on what was going on with Mrs. Clarissa. I was already on the edge, I wouldn't be able to take another moment dwelling on the subject. I would simply lose it.

Maybe I am losing it.

"I'm just still in shock, and- and I need to work through it on my own," I explained as we sat down, and they seemed to agree. Ethan offered me a hug, and I quickly wrapped my arms around him, feeling a bit more soothed knowing that he was there.

"We're not going to leave you, Ivan. Ever. Right, Vera?" He stressed, and Vera nodded vigorously as she cracked open her coke can.

They're lying.

Save yourself.

Don't trust anyone.

The voices came suddenly after such a quiet morning, making me startle. Those were the only discernible words they spoke, after that it was just mindless chatter, which was already getting on my nerves.

"Ivan?" Ethan's voice suddenly broke through.

"Huh? I whipped my head around to look at him as he stared at my lunch, slowly chewing on his chips. "Are. . . you going to eat? We only have five minutes before gym."

"Oh. Right," I frowned, finally picking up my turkey sandwich and taking a bite. It just tasted like cardboard. I'm sure I was making a sour face, but I ate as much as I could bear, mostly to appease Ethan, who I could feel staring at me.

The bell went off, signaling the end of lunch. The cafeteria became a mess of students weaving in and out of tables to get to their next class, so we quickly threw our trash away and left the cafeteria, knowing the process would take longer trying to get through the hoard of students. I stayed close to Ethan, feeling like he was my only anchor as I could no longer tell the difference between the student's conversations and the conversations in my head. It was all very confusing and overwhelming, and I was beginning to feel really anxious about it, as well as incredibly overstimulated.

We entered the locker room together, and I was forced to part ways with Ethan, as my locker was much deeper into the room. I tried to hyper focus on suiting up, pulling on the black basketball shorts with the school logo and the matching grey t-shirt with green lettering. I was wearing the same thing as everyone else, but the voices were doing a really good job at convincing me that I looked much, much worse.

You're lazy, you can never keep up with the others.

The coach hates you, you can't do anything right.

You can't play sports, you can't run fast.

You look terrible, everyone sees how sloppy your appearance is.

"Hey," Ethan came up to me, leaning against the locker next to mine. "You're staring off again. I don't think going to school was a good idea, Ivy," he spoke gently, glaring over my head at the coach yelling at everyone to get out of the locker rooms. I shook my head and tried to clear my thoughts.

"No, I'm fine. I'm good," I rush out, slamming my locker closed and moving towards the exit to the gym. I looked over my shoulder to make sure Ethan was following me, and he was, with a small frown on his face.

The gym was set up for kickball, and I internally groaned. Coach started splitting us up into two teams, and of course Ethan was on the other team, with some other jocky boys. Sometimes I think Mr. McBrady does this just so he can see one side fail miserably, like he gets some kind of sick pleasure from that. After he quickly explained the rules, we were off to our positions, me standing at second base. Two boys kicked the ball, one already on third, one on second, and a another guy came up to kick.

"Ivan," someone spoke from behind me.

"Yeah?" I asked, glancing behind me to see that no one was there, nothing but an empty basketball court. That felt real. Too real.

Suddenly, the red rubber ball went bouncing past me, some guys on our team groaned in frustration as the two dudes on second and third managed to run back to first base in the time it took for someone to grab the ball.

"Hey Ivan- let's watch the ball when someone is about to kick it and you're a catcher, alright?" Coach laughed, some other kids on the team snickering. Ethan shook his head in disgust at the students, and met my eyes across the court. I blinked a few times, glancing behind me again, before trying to focus back on the game. I always hated it when the hallucinations seemed so real, it was very alarming and disorientating. Now I couldn't help but feel someone behind me the entire game, breathing down my neck and watching my every move.

The rest of the game went by relatively uneventful, although my team lost horrendously. I glared as Mr. McBrady high-fived some of his players from the track team or the football team, those are the only ones he cared about anyway. I'd like to see him have three people talking to him at once, trying to listen to a single voice without going completely insane.

He dismissed us to the locker room, Ethan quickly running up to me as we entered.

"Are you okay? McBrady shouldn't have done that shit, that's no way to talk to a student. I'm going to put in a complaint-"

"Ethan," I interrupted, turning away from trying to open my locker to face him. "It doesn't matter. I wasn't paying attention, and I should have been."

Ethan just shook his head, his wavy brown hair flopping over his forehead. "No, Ivan, he can't talk to you like that and get away with it."

"I just- I just want to move on, okay? All I want is to spend time with you. That's what will make me happiest," I smiled as encouragingly as I could. He eyed me apprehensively, but eventually gave in.

"Okay. Why don't I ask my parents if we can have a sleepover this Friday?" He grinned, reaching over to squeeze my hand.

My eyes widened. "A- a sleepover?"

"I mean, if you want to. . . and you're comfortable with that," he trailed off, suddenly looking bashful.

"No it's fine, I- I was just surprised."

"Good. I just thought it would help cheer you up a bit, and you wouldn't have to be alone. Anyway, I better go change, see you after school!" He yelled from over his shoulder, jogging to his locker. I stared at his retreating form, before slowly turning back to my locker and twisting the lock. It'll be fine, I haven't even had any real negative effects from stopping my medication. I'll be fine. I may even begin to feel like myself again, not needing to push through the drugged up haze I'm often in because of my antipsychotics.

~

The sun felt good on my skin, warm and comforting. I was never into sun bathing until I started dating Ethan, who always wanted to be out in the sun like a lizard. I heard Ally's shrieks from the backyard pool they had set up, along with Ethan's hearty laughter and splashes of water. I had my eyes closed and some sunglasses on, which was more for the small headache that had formed after school than for anything else.

Suddenly, I felt the air around me turn a couple degrees cooler, and the brightness behind my eyelids disappeared. Lifting my glasses, I cracked open an eye to see Ethan standing over me with a big grin, effectively blocking out the sun.

"I think you're starting to get a tan!" He said excitedly, plopping down with his hands and knees on either side of my body.

"It's hard to get a tan when your boyfriend constantly insists that you wear SPF fifty whenever you go outside," I quip, and Ethan rolled his eyes, leaning down to give me a slow kiss. I blushed as he rolled over and flopped down on the towel next to me, running a hand through his soaking wet hair.

"You want a beer?" He asked, getting up. I gave him a funny look.

"It's a Wednesday afternoon."

"Just one. Come on, we're having a pool party."

I hesitated for a moment, remembering what happened last time I had alcohol, but it's just a beer this time. "Sure."

I smiled as Ethan jogged back into the house. Raising a hand to my brow to block out the sun, I looked out over the tree line, feeling my skin crawl. There was always something about the tree lines that didn't sit right with me. Shadows danced between the trunks, always watching.

As I was looking in between the trees, a beer bottle suddenly appeared in my vision, making me flinch. "Jesus!" I gasped, whipping around to stare up at Ethan.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Watcha lookin' at?" He asked, throwing himself back down on the towel next to me, sitting criss cross.

I shrugged. "Just looking at the trees," I say, bringing the bottle to my lips and taking a swig. The bitter taste instantly exploded in my mouth and I cringed, looking at Ethan.

"Don't like it?" He questioned, taking a drink from his own beer. I cocked my head to the side in contemplation.

"I'm not sure yet."

We continued to have some light conversation, Ethan looking back at Ally every once and a while to make sure she was alright. The beer started to taste a lot better as I kept drinking it, and towards the end of the bottle I felt myself grow a bit chatty.

Leaning my head on Ethan's shoulder, I played with the bottle in my hands absentmindedly.

"I'm coming with you," I spoke, lifting my head to look at him.

He glanced at me confused. "To Harvard," I clarified. "I want you to go, so I'll come with."

Ethan sat up straight and turned to look at me properly, grabbing one of my hands. "You- you are?" He asked breathless, gripping my hand. I laughed.

"I'll have nothing left for me here," I joked lightly, but Ethan just looked sad.

"I- I still wish the circumstances were different. I'm sorry, Ivan," he looked down.

I hooked a finger under his chin and lifted his head so he could meet my gaze, and I leaned in so my lips were just barely brushing his. "We have each other. That's all that matters, right?" I whispered. Now I knew why Ethan needed alcohol to confess his feelings to me that night, this stuff can really make the shyest people pull some bold moves.

He nodded dumbly, seemingly distracted by how close my lips were to his. I leaned forward to close the last bit of space between us, moving my lips a few times before pulling away, not wanting to do anything too risqué in front of his parents and Ally.

"You make me so happy, Ivan," he whispered, resting his forehead against mine.

"You make me happy too," I whispered back, brushing through his hair with my fingers.

What are you doing?

Get out of here.

Run.

I sighed and laid back down, fitting the sunglasses back over my eyes. The mild throbbing in my temples suddenly felt like a jackhammer straight into my skull.

~

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