"You think it's gonna snow?" Ethan muttered, almost pressing his face against the window.

I hummed, continuing to type on my school laptop. "Probably not, it usually doesn't snow until February here."

"I bet you're wrong. I think it's gonna snow."

I sighed, running a hand down my face, frustrated at trying to solve this one algebra problem. If only I could have had less incessant talking in my ear during that lecture. Ethan turned around with a frown, leaning down to pluck my laptop from my lap and place it on his nightstand.

"It's break time. Let's just talk," he chirped, sitting across from me on his bed. I leaned my head back against the wooden headboard, thinking of something to talk about.

"Um. . . what do you want for Christmas?" I ask, my eyes downcast to my lap as I played with my fingers.

He snorted, pulling at a loose thread on his comforter. "To get into Harvard."

I sat up with a smirk so I could flick his knee. "Hey, I thought it was break time? You just brought up school."

"You're right, you're right, that's my bad," he chuckled, lifting his hands in surrender. We ended up sitting there for a second, just enjoying each other's presence without having to speak. I noticed Ethan started fidgeting, something I realized he did a lot when he had something on his mind he wanted to bring up. I stared at him, waiting for him to eventually spit it out.

"Can I. . . kiss you?" He whispered, biting his lip. I looked at him confused. He kisses me all the time? When he gets me in the morning, when we say our goodbyes after hanging out-

"You already do?" I questioned in confusion, my eyebrows furrowing.

"No- not like-" he blushed. "Not like that."

"I. . . don't think I understand," I admitted.

"I mean kissing like. . . like making out."

My eyes widened, and I looked away in embarrassment. We've been dating for almost two months but have never done anything. . . like that. I had never even thought about doing that.

"We don't have to! I can tell you're uncomfortable with it so forget I said-" he started rambling.

"No!" I said with a little too much force. "It's- it's fine. I want to. I've just never. . . done something like that. You were my first kiss," I mumbled, finding picking at the hole beginning in the knee of my jeans suddenly very interesting.

He nodded slowly, brows furrowed in deep thought. "I can. . . show you? I'm no expert or anything either, you don't have anything to be embarrassed about. Half the time I don't know what I'm doing either."

I smiled a little, feeling my heart start to go into overdrive as he scooted closer to me, sitting in between my legs. I stared into his eyes as his flitted over my face, probably making sure I wasn't going to completely freak out.

"I love that little smile of yours. You shouldn't hide it," he whispered, smiling gently as one of his hands came to rest on the side of my neck. I felt like I had stopped breathing as he slowly crept closer, in fact, I'm pretty sure I just heard him remind me to keep breathing.

"I'm just going to start moving my lips, and I promise you'll get the hang of it. Just follow my lead, okay?" He nodded, eyes wide.

I nodded numbly, knowing my voice wouldn't work if I even wanted it to. Ethan and I had kissed many times since we've gotten together, but the energy surrounding this kiss was different. It was so much more intense, like we were moving into uncharted territory. Well, uncharted for me, at least. And quite frankly, that scared the shit out of me, but I trusted Ethan. That's all that mattered.

With my mind running a thousand miles a minute, I barely registered his lips on mine, giving me little pecks, just like we were used to. On one of the kisses, his lips didn't leave, just stayed there until as promised, he started moving. It was the weirdest feeling, but it kind've felt like he was just slowly kissing my top lip, so I copied his movements on his bottom lip. I felt him grin into the kiss, and I was giddy that I seemed to be doing it right, finding a newfound confidence within me to keep going.

Ethan started to move a little faster once I got the hang of it, but still kept it slow and sweet, eventually moving both of his hands to the sides of my face as I gripped the hem of his t-shirt. I really just didn't know what the hell to do with my hands.

Suddenly, I felt his tongue poke mine, and my eyes flew open in surprise. Now that was a weird feeling. I felt him pause for a moment, but once the shock of it wore off, I closed my eyes again and tried to just relax. I made an effort to meet his tongue each time we kissed, and I actually started to enjoy it a little more.

Ethan pulled away and sat back so he could look at me, my lips tingled and I brought a hand up to wipe the corner of my mouth.

"You're a natural," he teased.

"Shut up," I rolled my eyes, but blushed and secretly liked the praise.

"Do you. . . want to keep going?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

I bit my lip slyly, "maybe a little. . ."

With a big grin, Ethan moved to kneel on the bed, grabbing me behind my knees. He yanked me forward until I was laying flat against the bed on my back, Ethan between my legs. Leaning down, he immediately started moving his lips against mine, and I gripped his shoulders. We made out for a bit before he started to kiss down the side of my mouth to my jaw, before continuing down and giving the side of my neck little pecks. I brought one of my hands up to tangle into his hair as his little pecks turned into sucking and gentle nips with his teeth. I had no idea it would feel this good, and I'll probably be embarrassed later about the little sighs of content leaving my lips.

Suddenly Ethan moved back, gently brushing the spot on my neck he was kissing with the pad of his thumb.

"I have to say, I'm pretty proud of this one."

I looked at him with a confused face, so he reached over to grab his discarded phone and took a picture. He showed me the photo, a bright red spot that looked like a fresh bruise was now on the side of my neck.

"Oh my God, did you give me a hickey?" I gasped, gently slapping his chest. He didn't look at all that remorseful, just leaned back on his arms, admiring his work.

"Well, I have to give you one now!" I protested, sitting up and glaring at him.

Ethan shot up, leaning close enough to me that his lips brushed mine as he spoke, "I would be so happy to get a hickey from you."

"Don't make it weird. . ." I said bashfully, redness painting my cheeks.

Ethan cocked his head to the side slightly, as if offering the side of his neck to me. I scooted closer to him, almost sitting in his lap, and leaned forward to kiss up his neck. I tried to copy what he did, starting with little pecks before moving to sucking on the spot. I had no idea if I was doing it right, but Ethan seemed to enjoy it as he played with the hairs at the nape of my neck.

I moved away from his neck, looking away in embarrassment as I wiped my mouth. "Well, how does it look?" Ethan asked.

I squinted at it, seeing just a faint red mark and shrugging. "It's not as dark as the one you gave me. . ." I muttered.

"You were so gentle, it felt like a little fish was giving me kisses."

"Oh my God, maybe next time I'll just bite you," I huffed, crossing my arms.

"Practice makes perfect, baby," Ethan mused, giving me a quick peck before flopping onto the mattress on his back. I stayed sitting, taking in Ethan's lean body as he stretched his arms above his head. "Like what you see?" He teased, to which I snorted and shoved his shoulder.

We were in a moment of comfortable silence again when some whispers began in my ear, likely spurred on by the stress of the a novel experience. My mind was already reeling from the kiss, and that always opened a plethora of opportunities for voices to invade. I concentrated for a moment, attempting to pick out any words or sentences I could understand from the chatter, but it was merely gibberish for the time being. I hadn't noticed Ethan slowly sitting up, scooting closer to me and reaching a hand out to grasp mine, squeezing gently to gain my attention.

I blinked, looking up to meet his wandering gaze with a slight frown.

"I've always wanted to know, where you go in that head of yours. . ." he bit the inside of his cheek softly, shaking his head.

"Nothing all that special," I chuckled playfully to lighten the mood, but Ethan was steadfast in his inquiries.

"I just worry sometimes, that you're too strong for your own good," he mumbled sadly, brushing his thumb across my knuckles. I really didn't like where this conversation was going. "It keeps me up at night sometimes. Haunts me that I may be ignorant."

"You don't have to worry about me," I squeeze his hand back to be reassuring, but Ethan was in one of his insightful, somber moods.

"But I do, of course I do," he huffed, bringing a hand up to rub at his forehead. "I never want to push you to be open, that's why I haven't brought it up yet, thinking you would if you really wanted to, but-"

Ethan looked at me with a pained expression, inhaling deeply before continuing. "The week I was gone, that couldn't have been easy. Not hearing from me at all, not knowing where I was, I know you were upset with me when I returned, but you never said anything. Not a word. You had every right to get angry with me, but you didn't. Why?"

I averted my gaze, frantic in how the hell I was getting out of this. I didn't enjoy conflict, especially when questions arose as to why I didn't react a certain way emotionally, because the true explanation wasn't exactly an easy pill to swallow.

"I'm too tired to stay angry. All I wanted was for you to come back, and you did. That's all that mattered," I said quietly, sneaking a glance at Ethan's expression before growing uncomfortable and looking away again. He didn't seem too fond of that answer.

"I felt like I lost you too that week. I never want to feel that hell again," he admitted. "I'm so sorry, Ivy. I won't ever leave again. I promise."

I closed my eyes, bringing a hand up to cover my face. Unbeknownst to him, that's not a promise he can make, not when I inevitably have an episode and scare him away. We were existing on borrowed time, and every aspect of that fact was so pathetic, so sorrowful. Ethan was bright, and bubbly, and full of life. He had ambitions greater than anyone I've ever known, and a truly charitable soul- almost to a fault. The universe didn't put people like him and I together, and for good reason. The dichotomy was simply too severe to be sustainable.

But I was a selfish person down to the core. I wanted to be with Ethan until the bitter end, and be left with nothing but mere melancholy reminisces of our past. I wanted to suffer through a future filled with pain just to know I was able to be with him with for that short amount of time, because Ethan was just that incredible.

I was in love.

Before he could see the hurt look on my face, I threw my arms around his neck, burying my nose into his collarbone, where his woodsy cologne took over my senses, and the warmth and presence of him was all I could think about. I felt his arms immediately wrap around my waist, squeezing tightly as his chin rested on my shoulder.

"Someday," I whispered. "You'll know."

For better or for worse.

And I'll be alone again.

~

Hoped you all liked this little treat of a chapter, fluff and angst all in one. :)