Jane pov...

Today I have the day off work for my check up with the doctors about monitoring the cancer remission.

I get to the doctors appointment. We talk first and I tell them that I think I might be pregnant, I took four home tests and two came back positive and two were negative so they need to do a blood test to check.

They do the blood test first before I go to the MRI. I should get the results back before the end of the day. I'm getting hungry so I go to the hospital cafeteria and get something to eat and drink. When I am finished I get a call to go back and see Dr Kimpton. I'm a little worried as they normally just tell me over the phone.

I head up to his office, I sit and wait while he finishes with another patient before being called in. I sit down and he looks at me and I can tell from his face it's not good news. He says "I'm sorry Jane, you're not pregnant but the tumour is back. This time it's bigger so there is nothing we can do as surgery or chemo and radiation won't do anything"

It's a shock but there was always the chance of this happening. I ask "how long do I have?"

He says "around a year"

I nod and asks "what is it going to be like?"

He says "it's different for everyone but as the tumour grows your brain will stop knowing how to do things, you could lose memory, have seizures and have issues with moving. As you get to the end you will want less to eat or drink, could have trouble breathing, loss consciousness and you might fall asleep to never wake up again. We can give you painkillers and other things you might need. We will do what we can to make the rest of your life comfortable"

I nod trying to process everything he has said, he says "you can come to us whenever you need or if you have any questions"

I nod and say "thank you"

I can't think of anything else to say right now. I know there was a chance of this but I don't think anything can really prepare you for being told that you are going to die soon and there is nothing you can do about it.

We finish talking and I leave. I drive to the beach as it's a nice place to get away. I sit on the sand to think about everything. I know how hard it was for everyone last time I had cancer when I was going to make it through, I don't want to put them through that again. I'm not going to tell them, I will make them videos to say goodbye and everything I need to for them to watch once I die. It will take some work but I can keep going for a few more months and they say I'm going to take another job or holiday to have a reason to get away. I will go somewhere else to enjoy the time I have left without everyone watching me die.