And it all comes out so lame. I love your mouth. I love your hair. I love your ears. I want you. I want you. I want you. Anything to avoid saying: I love you.

Erica Jong

Fear of Flying

"Where the fuck is she ?" I ask, annoyed at the woman in front of me. She gulps, nodding at me to follow her after grabbing a clipboard. Although most of the nurses know of my temper, none of them bother to confront me. I pay them too damn much.

"I apologise, Mr.Mikel. Ms.Miller asked to be moved to a standard room and wouldn't take her medicine otherwis-"

"I don't give a shit. If I pay you to keep her in a vip room, I sure as hell expect her to be there. And I expect to be called whenever she does shit like this." I murmur the last part, annoyed and angry as fuck at her behavior. Stubborn lady.

Brushing past the nurse who sends me an apologetic smile, I shake my head at Emily, who's dipping cookies in her tea with a magazine in her hand. This room doesn't even have a side table.

"You need to stop doing this, Emily. Just stay in the damn room."

"Ricky, my son, I'm the one with cancer here. Unless you're giving me grandchildren, I'm not hearing it." Here we go again.

"For fucks sake, this room doesn't even have a side table. Just go back." I sigh as I look around the plain standard hospital room. She won't get the best care in this shithole. And we all know the VIPs are given more importance.

She would be given more importance. I walk towards her when she ushers me forward, making space for me on the small, average sized bed.

Emily kisses my head before taking the gun out of my waistband, shaking her head then setting it on the side. "And you need to stop bringing guns here."

"It's my job." She lays her head on my shoulder, her smooth head making me frown. The long blonde hair is gone but my mother is still as beautiful.

"But it's not who you are, Ricky. Someone's going to see that one day, and i'm going to get little grandchildren." Emily smirks as if she's planning something and I attempt to get off the bed, annoyed by her antics.

Every damn time I come here- which is everyday- she feels the need to bring up kids and marriage. Forgetting that I'm only fucking nineteen.

"You know, it'd be nice if you could bring along a nice girl sometimes." Emily sighs before feigning a mournful look, pulling up the blue hospital sheets that look low-quality. Is she even comfortable ?

"What about those girls at the shooting range? Caroline, was it?"

"Not my damn type." She cares way too much about how she looks and too little about how she acts. Conceited, materialistic and narcissistic. Everything I don't like in someone, let alone the love of my life or whatever the fuck that bullshit is.

"Yeah, I thought so." Her blue eyes light up as she wraps an arm around my shoulders, making me hunch down so she can reach them.

"Well," She sighs, " You're going to find your person one day," My brows furrow when a few tears fall from her eyes, the same eyes that were once full of life. She mutters, low enough for me to hear, "whether or not I'm six feet under."

She always fucking does this. I leave her hold, trying to calm my anger. I hate it when she talks about that. When she talks about leaving me.

"Ricky..Come on now, don't be like that."

"Stop speaking shit then, Emily." I don't want to get angry at her. She's the one dying, not me. I wish I had something or someone to calm me the fuck down but I don't- so damn right I'm going to be angry.

"Son, last time I checked I was the one with the cancer and you were the one with the anger issues and lack of girlfriend so get back here and get me some biscuits !" She scowls at me, crossing her arms with a challenging look on her pale face. I glare at her, before getting her the damn biscuits and sitting on the edge of the bed. I don't want to lose her.

Then I'll be completely alone.

"You need someone Ricky," Emily says, setting her hand in mine. "Promise me something."

"Anything."

"If you ever bring home a girl, or in this case, my gravestone." My face hardens and she points a finger at me, "You better make sure she's the one you're going to spend the rest of your life with. Or else, I swear, I'll haunt you."

"I'm not going to find anyone. Haunt me all the fuck you want." At least that way, she'll be near me. Emily shakes her head at my answer. A cold hand touches my cheek lovingly, my heart feels weird when my throat goes dry at the thought of not being able to see my mother every again.

One month, they said.

"I know you don't believe in true love, Ricky. But one day, hopefully soon because I want grandkids, you'll find someone who'll make you believe otherwise." True love is jack shit, is what I really want to say. But I can't , not with the look she has in her eyes. A look of regret that tells me that Carl was never a good husband. Or father.

Her eyes are thoughtful when she caresses my scarred fingers before whispering,

"Someone that will give you their all, regardless of how much or how little they have."

..So I bought this with my own money for my own man so you can't say anything..

"Someone that won't care about how much you earn, the way you look or the money you spend. They'll only ever have eyes for your heart, for your eyes and for your soul."

My only home is right there." She taps my chest, above where my heart beats, always for her. I'll stay.

I told her you're a millionaire and she said you could buy her real penguins. Who the fuck thinks that ?

"Someone that will hold you when times get tough, not needing you to ask them. They'll understand you, no words needed. No matter how clogged up you feel, or how tired your mind is, they will be there."

Big spoon or little spoon ?

"Someone that will awaken your urge to protect them from all this cruel this life brings. They'll be like a diamond, tough but precious. No matter how much you handle them carefully or treat them like expensive glass, they'll still be just as strong. But they'll still need you by their side, because that's where their strength comes from. Your love."

You're my hero. You're like batman.

"Someone that will see the good in you. The good that you never believed you had. The good that the rest of the world doesn't see. Someone who'll challenge you- anger you- all because they want you to see exactly what they see in you."

You're the most amazing person, dude.

"Someone who will worry for you even when you don't do so for yourself. Someone who'll care, so much so that you question whether you deserve it. Someone who wants you nowhere but their arms, safe and sound."

Thank God. I was so worried. You're twenty minutes late. And you promised you'd-

"Someone who will thank God for you. Someone who will see all the parts of you, the bad and the good, and still be grateful for you."

"You saved me, Dalaric. I thank God every day for you, y'know ? Like ten times or something."

"Someone who will fall in love with you everyday. Over and over again. And will never be ashamed to let you know. All because you deserve it. You deserve the chance to love, Ricky. My sweet boy, you deserve it."

Y-you think you're lucky. But I'm the lucky one. You are so perfect. You-you take care of me, you buy me penguins, y-you let me sleep on you. I'm so lucky.

"Someone who will love you unconditionally, unapologetically and so deeply that you'll question what you were doing before them."

I love you so much. I love you. So much. I love you so much. Yeah, I do. I'm in love with you.

"Isn't it crazy, son ? Out of all the billions and billions of people on this earth. There's one who's solely yours to love?"

I'm in love with you.

"And when you meet them, never, promise me, never let them go. True love comes once, Ricky. Believe it or not, it's once and then never again. Never let her go. That type of love, it's unconditionally pure. And it's limitless. Our bodies may not last the test of time, but love- it does. It never dies."

Her bony hands lay themselves on mine which are scarred and bruised. Who would love all of that ? It's impossible. It doesn't exist. She encloses my fists with her palms,

"You gave me the one thing I can never repay, Ricky. You are an amazing man, and you'll meet her. She'll tell you that. She'll show you that. Because that's who you are. True love does exist, son. Just promise me that you'll give it a chance."

As I look into the eyes of the women I consider mother, my previous doubt falters. No one would be that selfless to love a killer. Someone who's scarred. It would be impossible.

I nod, for her sake. So she can pass away in content peace. But a part of me knows that I want the world to prove me wrong.

"I promise."

-

Fuck.

No fucking way.

"Fuck, I'm in love with her. Right ? Fuck. No, fuck. I love her." My voice echoes quietly in the isolated graveyard that's surrounded with lush green bushes. A place just for Emily. My finger twitches and I take deep breaths, dusting off the gravestone that reads my mother's name.

I had to talk to her. I had to know, whether it's all a sick dream or not. I thought it was impossible. It should've been fucking impossible.

But it's not. She said those words. And the scariest fucking part of it all is that I believed them.

"I'm in love with Mayella. I'm fucking in love. Holy f-"

Wait. Mayella. She's at home.

"Fuck, no. No, no, no. You fucking idiot, Ricky." I curse myself as my bitch of a heart races, overwhelmed by the surge of happiness that I felt only a few moments ago. The moment I realize I've found her.

The love of my damn life.

And now, I'm scared as shit. Scared that she's worried I don't love her back. I should've told her before, but I just couldn't. I couldn't comprehend how brave one could be for just laying it out there like that. She said it with so much damn confidence- as if she was so damn sure that I'm worthy of her precious fucking love.

I'll never be. But I sure as hell will try.

She's my person. She's the one. She's everything I ever fucking needed. And I left her without saying the words she needed to hear. I left her with her doubts and worries- everything she doesn't deserve.

The car ride is spent praying to God that she hasn't done something stupid and also running two red lights on my way to my home. My home. My Mayella.

I let out a sigh of relief when I notice the dimly lit light reflecting the glass windows. She's home. Both literally and figuratively.

My body relaxes only for the tension to come back tenfold when I think of every worst case scenario as I walk through the door.

She hurt herself.

She had a panic attack.

She really fucking hates me right now.

She hurt herself.

My brows furrow when I hear a faint beeping in the kitchen area, the good smell of cheese and meat filling my nostrils. My feet take me to the kitchen, faltering in my steps when I see her.

I should've known.

She's eating lasagne. Fucking lasagne. I love her.

Mayella swings her pyjama-clad legs from the kitchen counter as she wipes some cheese off her plate, her mouth filled with food which makes her look like a damn chipmunk. Is she mad at me ? She can't be. She's always got that deadly look in when she's mad. Like the time I sat on one of the two fat stuffed penguins.

My mind races with thoughts and for one of the first times, I genuinely fear the consequences of my stupid actions. Would she take it back ? She probably will, considering your dumbass ran out on her without telling her where the fuck you're going.

Right.

I clear my throat, and her eyes drift to my form before they widen. Mayella tries swallowing the big bite in her mouth before jumping from the counter and running towards me, landing a soft punch on my chest.

"Do you know how worried I was ?" I love her.

"What are you.." I look behind her, at the table that's filled with some yellow lemon thing I've only seen at Jim's café and a big, big plate of lasagna that looks so fucking good. Nothing compared to my girl, though.

"Oh," Her expression falls and she plays with one of the loose strings on her wool sweater.

"I-I, you left." Her facade cracks, Mayella's face becoming an open book. Her eyes don't meet mine and I mentally groan, feeling the urge to shoot myself for leaving like a damn idiot. "I thought it was because I didn't go big, y'know. So I made us lasagne and some lemon bars. Okay, I did buy them from the café but it's the love that counts. I should've made it more special for you. I'm sorr-"

I love her.

"I love you."

The first thing that enamors me is the dazed look in her eyes as they meet mine. She deserves to know. Every damn day. Then, she smiles the sweetest smile I'll ever fucking see in my life. A pink tint makes its way onto her cheeks and I feel the need to kiss them. Mayella takes a step forward, grabbing both of my hands with a hopeful look in her eyes.

"Say it again."

Maybe it's because I'm overwhelmed, or maybe it's because I'm a fucking pussy. But my voice falters, and everything feels so fucking hot when she makes me say it again.

"I-," I clear my throat. Yeah, that'll help. "I'm so fucking in love with you." I breathe out, opening my arms wide. She jumps on me, encircling both her arms around my neck before kissing me all over.

I can feel my lips curve upwards when she looks at me with genuine happiness. I have a reason to smile. It's always been her.

"You're the love of my damn life, Mayella." It's her eyes that widen now, her stance faltering before a single tear from her sensitive eye rolls down her cheeks. She shakes her head negative and my hold on her gets tighter.

"Y-you can't say that. It means-"

"I know what it means. Do you ?" She shakes her head no, avoiding my eyes as I lean in and place her on the edge of the table- making sure she's got nowhere to run.

"I'm never fucking letting you go, baby." I smirk when she buries her heated face in my chest, trying to cover up her teary cheeks.

"You better not." Mayella mumbles, leaning her flushed face towards mine before cradling my face and laying her lips on mine.

A continuous pecking on my head forces me to leave the kiss, and leave her panting. I shake my head at Kipp who's carrying some pink paper. Mayella's concerned about his diet. He pushes the paper forward, almost stabbing my eye with the edge.

Mayella takes it before it harms anyone and giddily puts it in my hands before ushering me to open it. The pink card opens with a subtle chime and in it is a picture of two fatass penguins with the words,

'Did you know that when a penguin finds its mate, they will stay together forever ?

So, will you be my penguin ?'

Mayella looks between me and the card repeatedly, in hopes of gauging a reaction. I only blink at her, at how wholly perfect this girl is. And how damn cheesy the card is.

"I'll be your damn penguin. Now come here." She laughs as I pick her up by the waist and sit her on my lap, grabbing a fork and digging into the lasagne. She opens her mouth to protest but I shove a spoonful in her mouth, making her glare at me.

There's some type of contentment that calms me. The girl on my lap who's feeding me the yellow desert makes me realize that this is what I want. Always. It also makes me realize that Emily was right.

"Where did you go ?" Mayella mumbles, kissing the corner of my mouth to wipe off some cheese. She has a worried look in her eyes, begging me to tell her. But I know she won't force me. I love her.

"To see my mother."

Mayella mumbles something under her breath and I grab her face, squishing it to make sure she speaks louder.

"I want to meet her too." She mutters, glancing at me warily. Emily would've loved her.

"I'll take you." Her eyes light up before she snuggles into my side, letting me take her into our room. She instantly puts her head under my hoodie the second I lay down, her small nose rubbing on the skin of my chest.

"They said I can visit mama next week. I'm thinking of going after graduation. Will you come to my graduation ? You can bring kipp, I think. Do they allow cute parrots there ? Hm, i'll have to ask but we can sneak him in. Maybe.."

I shake my head, taking the hoodie off just in time to see her tongue poking out towards my chest. Crazy. Pulling her forward, I kiss that same tongue before grasping her hips and setting her body on top of mine. Mayella sighs and leaves trails of kisses down my neck.

My mouth reluctantly opens, knowing how hesitant she is to speak about this.

"College. You're going." I try to ask, but it comes out as a statement. I know she is. I'll make sure she is either way. She's too damn smart to not go. Mayella stops her loving attack before gulping, and moving to the side of the bed and grabbing her phone. She turns it on, sending me a sheepish smile when a picture of some more fat penguins pop up.

"It's twenty minutes away. They have the best software engineering course." She scrolls through the website of the college, covering herself in a thick blanket before setting herself between my legs, my chin on her head to see the screen.

"How much-"

As if sensing my questioning look, she says with determination, "You're not paying. I'm applying for a scholarship and I'm going to get it. You aren't paying for my education, Dalaric. Besides, my uncle can help out too."

Mayella notices my grumbles and lifts her hand absentmindedly to grab mine, before setting it in her lap and playing with it, one hand on the phone. Part of me is worried that she chose the nearest one because she doesn't want to leave- but it's not my choice to make. I go wherever she goes either way.