McKayla

Three days. I had to stay in the hospital for three days after my suicide attempt. Thinking back on it now, I wouldn't really call it a suicide attempt. I didn't really want to die. I just wanted the horrible pain in my heart to go away. In the heat of the moment suicide made the most sense.

The hospital forced me to see a shrink before they could release me. Gemma dismissed the idea. She said that the only shrink I needed was the family. She even tried to scare the doctor into breaking procedure. She only backed off because they threatened to ban her from the hospital. A nurse came in on the morning of my second day to take to me to meet the shrink. Jax reluctantly let go of my hand and watched me as I was wheeled out of the room. The look on his exhausted face nearly broke my heart. Nearly.

As I was brought into the room, the doctor stood up and held out her hand.

"Good morning, McKayla. I'm Dr. Latina." She said warmly.

Dr. Latina was short, shorter than me with chocolate brown hair with eyes to match. What struck me most was how kind her eyes looked. She looked as if she genuinely cared about helping me get better. She took off her white lab coat and hung it on a coat rack in the corner of the office.

"You can call me Debbie if you like." She said as she sat behind her desk.

Debbie took out a notepad and folded her hands on top of it.

"So, I've read your file. You ingested enough OxyContin to kill yourself. Hospital policy says that I can't release you until I think you're no longer a danger to yourself or to others. However, I don't think you tried to kill yourself intentionally." She said.

This caught my attention. She was the first person since I woke up that didn't think I was a basket case.

"I think you were in pain and were just trying to make it stop. Do you want to tell me what was hurting you so badly?"

Debbie was waiting to see if I'd answer. I wanted to, but I didn't know what to say. I folded my legs up under me and started at the beginning.

I told her about the guilt I still felt over Kip's death. That if it weren't for me he would still be alive. I told her about Jax cheating on me while I was visiting my family. Once I started talking, it was like she was holding a string and was pulling the words from my lips. I couldn't stop. Tears were freely flowing from my eyes by the time I told her about Tara being pregnant and Jax telling her to keep the baby.

"That's why I took the pills. I thought they would make everything go away. I-I never meant to kill myself." I said as I picked at my hospital I.D bracelet on my left wrist.

During my babbling, Debbie just listened. Occasionally she jotted something down in the notebook, but she mostly looked at me. It made me trust her. I also knew that because of doctor patient confidentiality, she couldn't tell anyone what I told her. After a few moments of silence, Debbie sat up straighter in her overstuffed chair.

"Can I tell you what I think?" She asked me.

I nodded and she put the notebook in the desk.

"I think, you've been through a whole hell of a lot these last few months and the stress of it all finally got to you. I also think that you love your boyfriend so much that you would do anything to make him happy. But, you need to think about yourself too. You need to put your happiness and well-being above anyone else's, McKayla."

Her voice was so kind and soft. When she spoke to me, it felt like I could've been her daughter and we were having a heart to heart conversation. No one in my life has ever told me to put myself first. Not my family, not Derek, hell not even Jax. Maybe this doctor was right and it was time for me to take care of myself.

"Maybe you're right." I told her.

She smiled softly at me and came around from behind her large desk. She sat down on the edge of it and took my hand in hers.

"Just think about it sweetheart. And if you ever want to talk again I'm here for you." She said as she handed me a card.

This was one business card that I was happy to take. Debbie called for a nurse to come and take me back to my room. She handed me a box of tissues and I cleaned myself up while I waited. My thoughts were buzzing in my head. The problem with never doing what's best for you, is not knowing how to.

When I arrived back to my room, Jax was passed out. He was still sitting in the chair beside the bed, but his upper half had collapsed onto the bed. His blonde locks had fallen across his face and his hands were clutching the sheets. Now that he was finally asleep all of the stress had melted from his beautiful face. The nurse was about to wake him when I caught her arm.

"No, let him sleep. He needs it." I whispered to her.

She looked at his sleeping form and nodded. I walked around to the side of the bed that Jax wasn't lying on and as gently as I could crawled into it. My hands went to his hair and I threaded them through it. There was no doubt in my mind that I loved him. I would love him until the day I died. And I knew he loved me too. If he didn't, he wouldn't have stayed by my side for this long. What I didn't know was how I was going to stay with him.

Jax's breathing changed and his eyes fluttered open. I slid my hand from his locks to touch the stubble on his face.

"Hey baby, how long have you been back?" He asked me. His voice was hoarse from lack of use.

My hands left his face and he gathered them up in his.

"I just got back." I told him.

He wanted to say something. I could tell that he'd been dying to talk about something since I woke up, but he wouldn't say it. I sighed and pulled my hands from his. Jax tilted his head like a puppy and tried to reach for them again.

"You should go home, Jax." I told him, my voice flat.

Jax reared back like I'd hit him. I guess in some way I did.

"W-why?" He muttered.

I closed my eyes to gather my thoughts before looking at him again.

"You're exhausted, you need to eat and be with Abel." I told him.

He wanted to argue with me. I could see the words forming on his lips but he wouldn't say them. It was infuriating. I wanted him to talk to me. I needed him to. But he wouldn't. It was like he was afraid that anything he said would trigger me to try and hurt myself again.

"McKayla I just want to be with you." He said finally.

I forced myself to hold back an eye roll and narrowed my eyes.

"I want you to leave." I said just above a whisper.

The silence that hung in the room was deafening. Everything in Jax had broken. His blue eyes were swimming with tears and some hand slipped down his cheeks. His strong jaw was clenched tightly and he was trembling slightly.

"Baby," He croaked. His was voice tight with the sobs that he was desperately holding back.

"Please. Just go." I said a little firmer.

Jax took a breath and dropped his head. I saw more tears fall from his eyelashes and onto the bed. He ran the back of his hand across his eyes and stood abruptly. The sound of the chair scrapping across the floor caused me to jump. With two strides he reached the door and gripped the handle so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He turned back to look at me one last time.

"I love you." He spat at me.

I could see a strange mixture of sadness and anger clouding his face and I didn't know which hurt me the most. The fact that I'd hurt him so badly or the fact that he was angry with me for asking him to leave. Like he couldn't understand why I wouldn't want him beside me. The truth of the matter was he was all I wanted in the world, but what I needed was some time on my own to think about how I was ever going to be able to look at him without wanting to die.

I bit my lip and turned so that I was facing the window. Jax slammed the door so hard that I could feel force behind it. After I was sure he was gone, I let myself break down.