The gang sat in the basement, all in their typical circle formation. It was January and senior year was trudging by slowly—putting all the teens on edge and sending them further into the spiral of boredom.

Hyde ranted, "I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer. And the government knows that beer will set us free!"

On his lap, Lucy let her head fall back on his shoulder and fake snored, until he tickled her causing her to laugh widely and fall out of his lap and onto the floor. From the floor the blonde perked up, "Beer doesn't sound too bad right now."

Fez rolled his eyes, "Hyde, you told us about the car a million times, and everytime Lucy makes fun of you for it you tickle her and you know laughing girls makes me horny. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!"

"Yeah, hungry, check; horny, check," Eric said unamused. "Conspiracies, check; grossly in love, check," he nodded back over to the couple, the two now whispering to eachother quietly and grinning widely. "It's getting a little old, guys. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know? Remember when he was living on Tatooine before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go into Toshie Station to pick up some power converters. Boring!"

Kelso shook his head, "Eric, enough with the Star Wars crap! Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over. And I like my free ride!"

"Yeah, we get it, you're good looking—" Hyde started.

Lucy raised her hand a little, "And I'm better looking." All the boys nodded, Eric shouting, "Heck yeah, Twin Code!"

"But look," Hyde continued, "Doesn't anybody have anything new to say?" Everyone looked around at one another, all trying to think of something new.

"See I told you! This town is so boring there's nothing to even talk about when we're high now!" Lucy shouted, causing everyone to groan.

"You've been on this for six years Luce!" Kelso shouted.

"Because I'm right!" Lucy yelled, giving her friends a look like come on.

There was a pause before Hyde said, "So there's this car that runs on water, man," and the boys started throwing random items at Hyde, hitting Lucy in the process.

❁

The teens decided to spend the afternoon in the basement. Hyde in his seat with Lucy on on the floor, her back resting between his legs while she flipped through a magazine; Eric sitting on the arm of the couch next to Donna, Jackie on her other side; and Kelso sitting in the lawn chair.

"Six Million Dollar Man?" Jackie scoffed, "That's like a $20 jumpsuit and a $4 haircut. Mmm, where did all the money go?"

Donna furrowed her eyebrows, "I think we've seen this episode. Yeah, and we were sitting in these exact same seats when we saw it!"

"Actually, Lucy was sitting in my lap," Hyde nodded matter-of-factly.

Lucy nodded, "See, I change things up."

"Yeah I appreciate it," Hyde smirked, still looking at the tv, "Now I can see down your shirt." Lucy reaching up to slap his arm as she rolled her eyes. Kelso stood up from his spot to peer down before the couple gave him a glare and he sat down.

After a moment, Lucy turned to look at Donna, "I've actually read this edition before," she said feebly before throwing it on the table.

"You guys, we do the exact same thing every day!" Eric exclaimed, "TV, snack, nap. It's—you know what? This isn't a basement, this is a nursing home."

"I know something new we could do," Kelso began, "Jackie, Donna, Lucy, get naked," the three girls looked at their dumb friend with annoyance, "The rest of you guys back off and give us some room," he nodded, standing up and unzipping his jacket.

"What goes on in your perverted mind really scares me sometimes," Lucy frowned.

Fez came through the basement door, "Hello, friends of Fez."

"Hi, where's Nina?" Eric asked, practically desperate for a change in their normalcy.

Fez shrugged, "She don't wanna hang out with me tonight. She said she needed space." At this, the rest of the basement grimaced in understanding. "Uh-oh, that's the same sound you guys made when I told you I was gonna grow my bangs out."

Donna took the wheel to explain, "Fez, when a girl says she needs space, that means that she's dumping you."

Fez shook his head, "You don't understand. She said it was her and not me." Causing the entire basement to groan at the even worse development in Fez's love life. "Oh, what's the big deal?"

"Oh, man, I can't tell him," Eric shook his head, "Someone just needs to tell it how it is, Luce?"

The blonde shook her head, "I can't break his heart."

"Alright, then this is a job for someone who's cold, heartless and just inhuman. Jackie, go for it," Eric nodded, tapping the young girl on the shoulder.

The brunette rolled her eyes before saying, "Fez, when a girl says, It's not you, it's me what she really means is it's you."

"So I have really been dumped," Fez said, in a daze as he sat down.

Hyde nodded, "Yep, and here's another tip: when a girl says she just wants to be friends it means she wants you to do stuff for her, but she's not gonna put out. So, you know, heads-up on that one."

"But Lucy said you guys were friends and she put out for you—will she put out for me?" Fez asked.

"No," Hyde said very quickly, while Kelso muttered "Hopefully."

Lucy got up from her spot to grab a popsicle from the freezer while she shook her head with a scoff, "Here's real advice Fezzie: the friendzone is a social construct to guilt girls into feeling like they owe guys something for showing them basic human decency." Now standing next to Hyde's seat she stared him down while he flipped through a magazine obliviously, which she snatched and whacked him with, "Something I thought I had already taught you Steven."

"Nah, women'll screw you over every chance they get," Kelso said forlornly, "That and breastfeeding—it just comes natural to 'em." Causing the rest of the gang to look at the boy in utter bewilderment.

❁

For a change of scenery everyone went up to the kitchen—Fez went home to avoid crying in front of the guys. Lucy sat in on of the stools at the counter and started spinning in it, Kelso joining her and the two laughing at one another while Donna sat on the counter beside her.

"So, Hadji's girlfriend finally came to her senses," Red asked, "What happened? She didn't wanna be a fifth wife?"

"Not funny Dad," Lucy said with a pout, causing the man to soften a little before frowning.

"Well, it's her loss," Kitty said matter of fact my while looking through her cookbook, "The girls in my Friday night cribbage game will be thrilled to have Fez back at the table."

"You know what?" Eric thought aloud, "At least Fez has a social life. Look at us, we're hanging out with my parents."

"Yeah, about that, feel free to get the hell out!" Red said, patting Eric on the shoulder, before walking to the fridge.

"Well, we can do better than this!" Donna nodded, "You guys, we're gonna graduate in two months and there is a whole town out there just waiting for us!"

Lucy scoffed, "As if there's much to see."

"Not with that attitude!" Eric chided.

"Yeah, we just have to, you know, grab the bull by the horns," Donna illustrated.

Kelso nodded, "Okay, but I tell you this from experience. If we're gonna mess with the bull, we better have an escape plan."

Kitty looked up and offered helpfully, "Well, what are the popular kids doing tonight?" Causing everyone to turn and look at her in shock at the insult, "Well, I'll bet they're not hanging around with their parents giving them snarky looks!" she defended.

"I remember when the Brady kids got bored and then that fat kid Oliver showed up, it just all turned around. They got in a pie fight and everything!" Kelso smiled, thinking back on the show.

"You know what?" Eric snapped, "Kelso might actually be onto something. Maybe we should look for someone new to hang out with," he said as he moved to the kitchen table.

"Alright! We're gettin' a fat kid!" Kelso cheered in excitement, jumping down from the stool.

"I really don't think that's what he meant," Lucy tried to explain.

"You know, instead of adding someone maybe you should think about weeding out a few," Red suggested, "Like you and you and you," he said, turning to each of the boys.

"I'm your son," Eric said offended.

"I can't play favorites," Red shrugged.

Lucy looked around with a beaming smile, "Heck yeah, girl power!"

"You know, if you're looking for a new friend, how about Lance Crawford? He's such a nice boy," Kitty insisted.

"Mom, Lance Crawford and I hate each other," Eric sighed, "You're just obsessed with getting his mother's peach cobbler recipe."

"Well, what kind of a woman keeps a recipe a secret?" Kitty asked in outrage, "If that recipe were the polio vaccine, we'd all be in wheelchairs!" With a huff, she closed her cookbook and marched out.

Donna took her seat, "I don't like Lance Crawford. He's always staring at me in this really creepy way. And this one time, I saw him fiddling around in my locker. When I opened it, there was a rose inside, and my gym socks were missing," as she relayed the story she remembered how strange it was.

Lucy gasped, "Oh my gosh! He stares at me too! Remember at freshman homecoming, I took my heels off and put them by the table?"

"Right and you couldn't find them, so Hyde piggybacked you to the car? And you wrote in your journal that it might've been the nicest thing anyone had ever done for you, which weirded you out because of all the mean stuff he did," Kelso nodded.

"Kelso, what the hell?" Lucy screeched, her spinning coming to a sudden halt, while everyone else repressed smiles. "Why were you reading my journal at 15?"

Kelso shrugged, "I was bored, but continue."

Lucy shook her head, obviously flustered, "Like a year later, I'm talking to Fez right? He says he sees them in Lance's car on his way to school!"

"Girls, a little advice. You're not gonna want those socks or shoes back," Kelso nodded, struggling to open a jar of pickles.

The two girls looked at eachother before shuddering. With that, Hyde got up and started to walk out before stopping by Lucy, "Want a piggyback ride?" he mocked.

She stood up and rolled her eyes while Hyde helped her up while she muttered, "You dillhole."

"Nicest dillhole you know apparently," Hyde teased.

❁

Jackie laid sprawled on the couch, "I can't think of anyone new I wanna hang out with. All the girls I know are either too snobby or too slutty!"

Throwing the football back to Hyde, Kelso nodded, "Yeah, I'm not good with the snobs, but slutty's my bread and butter."

Eric stood up from his seat, "You know, what we need are people with stuff to offer, like Mark Herman. He's got that dirt bike. I always liked him."

Kelso shrugged, "Sold it last week."

Shaking his head, Eric said, "That punk. He's out."

"Hey, Carrie Gerber has a trampoline," Donna offered

Lucy shook her head, "Carrie Gerber made fun of me when I was flatchested," looking down at her shirt she shrugged, "Could always go just so that my girls could bounce, just to rub it in." Kelso and Hyde looked at her in a daze before she snapped at them. Looking to Donna she said, "Nevermind, that's out."

"Eric! Lucy! There's someone here to see you," Kitty called down to her children.

Eric sighed while walking up the stairs, his twin a couple paces behind him, "Mom, if it's another one of Dad's Marine Corps recruiters, I'm gonna run away, I swear! Using Lucy to lower my guard is a dirty move!"

Lucy shrugged as they walked up the stairs and through the kitchen door to reveal a short brunette boy on their couch.

"Lance Crawford? Mom!" Eric whined.

Not even taking another step past the kitchen door Lucy spun on her heal and darted downstairs before she was seen behind her brother. The only thing she heard was her brother's frustration—the type that could only come from disrespecting Star Wars. The small blonde jumped the last few stairs in a complete frenzy, "We need to go!"

"What the hell? What happened?" Jackie sat up, concern laced in her voice.

Lucy turned back and kept looking at the stairs, "God I hope Eric makes it, it's him! He's here!"

"Who?" Hyde asked, confused and trying to calm down his girlfriend, who was making a beeline for the backdoor.

"Red alert, you guys! Red alert! Lance Crawford is in the building!" Eric announced as he came running down.

Donna looked around wildly, "I'm gettin' the hell outta here!" She jumped out of her seat and everyone went to follow suit.

"Wait, wait, wait," Jackie slowed down, "What if he sees us sneaking out?"

The gang contemplated it for a moment before Kelso said, "Oh, Donna leave one of your socks behind. And Lucy, a shoe." Donna slapped his chest as Lucy smacked him upside the head, "What? It'll distract him!"

And then the gang made a run for it.

❁

They had made it to Fez's house, who apparently had caused a scene at The Hub. But when they got to his house his exchange parents told them he wouldn't leave the room—well the told Lucy and Jackie, they thought the rest of them were bad influences.

"Oh, poor Fez. Too depressed to leave his room," Jackie said sympathetically.

"That's it. You guys, we gotta cheer him up," Eric nodded.

"Knock first," Donna warned, "If Fez is alone, I'm guessing he's not wearing pants."

"Oh, awesome! Wait. Let's catch him!" Kelso said excitedly, before opening the door.

Behind the door was—quite frankly—the coolest room any of them had ever seen. Complete with cool posters, a tv, giant stuffed animals, a race car bed, and other games.

"Wow! Check out all this great stuff. Oh, my God. Is that a race-car bed?" Eric asked, blown away, remembering his childhood dream bed.

"I call shotgun!" Kelso shouted before jumping onto the bed. Only a small "Ay!" heard from Fez.

"Oh! Fezzie, come on out," Jackie said soothingly.

Fez sighed, "I can't. I'm not wearing pants."

"Told you!" Donna pointed at Kelso who immediately jumped off the bed.

"Nina told me why she dumped me. She said I was too needy. Am I too needy?" Fez asked before shouting, "Tell me! I need to know!"

"Fez, I'm sorry, man," Eric started, sitting down a safe distance on the bed, "You're the definition of needy. Remember, one time, you called me at 3:00 in the morning just to make sure we were still friends?"

"Look, if you wanna get Nina back, you gotta act like you don't care," Hyde suggested.

Fez looked down in shame, "But I don't know how to do that."

"Well, we can help you," Kelso reassured, "Oh! We'll rebuild you like the Six Million Dollar Man!"

And somehow, through the gang acting out how they would reprogram the Six Million Dollar Man to Fez, he realized how he needed to act—aloofer.

❁

Sitting at The Hub as a complete gang now that Fez was cheered up, Donna came up to introduce a pretty blonde. "Okay, you guys. Meet Julie. She's got two horses, a brand new Firebird and her dad works for Six Flags!"

In unison, everyone nodded impressed and said, "Hello, Julie!" Kelso even standing up.

But the tall busty blonde only looked to Hyde, "Hey, Hyde. Love your hair," she said with a perfect smile.

Lucy furrowed her eyebrows a little in her spot next to Hyde while he glanced at Lucy with a wink before saying, "You can touch it if you want."

Lucy smiled politely before saying, "Sorry, girlfriend here, the position of cool blonde chick is taken," she waved her fingers at the girl. Julie merely shrugged before walking off.

"Damn, Luce! She's got a Firebird and two horses! We could've raced 'em!" Kelso whined, before marching out to follow her.

Lucy shoved Hyde's shoulder, "You jerk! Stop trying to get me jealous."

Hyde chuckled as he wrapped an arm around her waist, "But you're so cute when you're jealous, you do the little nose twitch that Sabrina does like you're trying to get them to disappear!"

"Asshole," Lucy muttered as she rolled her eyes, leaning into his side.

Donna sat down in defeat while Eric sighed, "All right, that's it. I'm gonna go ask Jake Bradley—I know. We've all been thinking it, but no one's had the guts to ask him 'cause he's the quarterback, and we're a bunch of jelly heads—"

"You're jelly heads, I'm newspaper and yearbook editor who may or may not have been voted Easiest to Get Along With," Lucy clarified.

Eric rolled his eyes, "But you know what I say? I say we shoot for the stars. And that star is Jake Bradley! Jake Bradley!" He shouted before running off.

❁

That night, as per usual, everyone was back in the basement.

"Hey, so I went to see Jake Bradley—" Eric started once he walked in.

"You mean—Jake Bradley?!" Hyde interrupted, mocking his speech from before.

"Yes," Eric looked down in shame before continuing, "To see if he wanted to hang out. And you know what Mr. Cool Guy was doing? Just hanging out in his basement with his friends and they were watching The Six Million Dollar Man. It was eerie."

Hyde nodded, "Was there a skinny guy dating this really hot chick who's way out of his league?"

Eric sneered before looking up in realization, "You know, there was—and a girl who could totally be a jellyhead if she wasn't popular, so like reverse you!" His eyes widened as he looked to Lucy, who looked offended.

"Wait, does this mean we're not gettin' a fat kid to play with?" Kelso asked, outraged.

"No, man," Eric shook his head, "we don't need anyone else. You know what? We've only got two months until graduation and we can't waste a second of that!"

"Forman's right. Let's seize the day, man!" Hyde agreed.

And within minutes they were clouded in smoke and in their usual spots.

"Hey, weren't we supposed to seize something, man?" Hyde asked, laughing.

Lucy nodded, giggling, "We seized the weed!"

Donna looked off into space, "You know what the Six Million Dollar Man should have? A bionic nose. You could smell everything!"

Eric smiled at the group, "Guys, all I know is that we should really appreciate this 'cause I don't think we're gonna be able to do this in college."

"This peach cobbler is amazing!" Kelso yelled, eating it straight out of the pan, "Now, who would leave a whole pan of peach cobbler just sitting on a counter?"