Everyone sat around the table at breakfast, except for Hyde who was still asleep.

"Well look at us, this is just like a Norman Rockwell painting! Mom is serving breakfast, Daddy's reading the newspaper, sister dearest is reading a magazine, and brother Eric is trying to hide a big, purple, nasty hickey!" Laurie announced.

"What? Hickey? I don't have a hickey?" Eric said, covering his neck.

"You know Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things," Laurie sneered.

"For God's sake don't let Donna suck your neck," Red said. "She's a nice girl."

"I don't have a hickey I was using a curling iron," Eric lied.

"Oh please, I could feel Donna sucking my neck, that's how bad of a hickey it is," Lucy scoffed.

"Oh well would you just look at that," Kitty said, licking her thumb and rubbing at the hickey.

"No mom!" Eric protested.

"Red do you remember that time—" Kitty started.

"No, and neither do you," Red interrupted.

"So Laurie what's on the agenda today?" Kitty pried.

"Agenda?" Laurie asked.

"A list of goals or actions one might feel good about achieving so as to—Lucy you tell her," Kitty nudged her daughter.

"So as to further their life and move out of their parents' house," Lucy teased.

"Mom, come on, relax. I'm still getting used to being back home!" Laurie defended herself.

"Yeah, flunking out of college can be draining, phew," Eric said sarcastically.

"Eric," Red warned.

"Oh come on that was so mild!" Eric protested.

"Laurie, all you do is sit around the house and watch television. You should come down to the hospital and volunteer," Kitty advised.

"She's right Laurie," Red said getting up from the table.

"Daddy!" Laurie said surprised.

Red turned around and mouthed "No," causing Laurie and Lucy to laugh. "You know I think Eric needs an agenda. Look at his neck!" Laurie pointed out.

"It's a birthmark! It's been their since birth!" Eric insisted.

"Okay Pinocchio," Lucy sang.

"Good morning class," Hyde said yawning.

"Good morning orphan," Laurie greeted, Lucy shot her a look and Laurie shrugged.

"Good morning," Hyde said.

"That's all you got?" Laurie challengers.

"Whore," Hyde said casually after yawning.

"Mom, he called me a whore!" Laurie complained.

"Yeah, Steven, honey, you are too young for coffee have some juice," Kitty turned around as Hyde poured two mugs.

"Mrs. Forman, I need coffee. Your son kept me up all night bragging about his hickey," Hyde explained as he sat down and passed Lucy a cup of coffee, knowing she was basically addicted to it.

Eric shot Hyde a betrayed look as Lucy snickered, taking a sip of her coffee.

❁

Everyone was in the basement. Jackie and Fez were inspecting Eric's hickey and Kelso was pacing by the dryer. Lucy sat on Hyde's lap watching cartoons.

"Okay, whatever you do, Eric, do not wear a turtleneck to school. It's a dead giveaway. Yeah I'd go for a decorative scarf," Jackie suggested.

"Thank you," Eric nodded.

"You can borrow one of mine," Lucy said casually, waving her hand so everyone would be quiet.

"Did you have to tell everyone about the hickey?" Donna asked.

"Well everyone can kind of see it Vampira," Eric joked. Lucy leaned over to give him a highfive. "Laurie had a field day at breakfast."

"Yeah I hopped on the dog pile too," Hyde added.

"You sure did you dillhole," Eric said.

"Yeah you're right Forman, that was kind of mean, I guess what I should've said was I'm sick of sharing a room with you and all of your disgusting fluids and gasses," Hyde retorted.

"Oh and your's are just dreamy Hyde," Eric joked.

"Shh, I'm trying to watch Looney Tunes, I already know enough about both of your fluids and gases," Lucy covered Hyde's mouth.

Jackie looked at the two curiously, she needed to know more about their kiss but knew Lucy wouldn't tell her anymore.

"Excuse me, may I please have a hickey please?" Fez asked looking to each of the girls.

"No," Donna said shocked.

"Please?"

"No!" Donna repeated.

"Jackie?"

"No!" she yelled insulted.

"Please?"

"No!" Jackie yelled again.

"Lucy?"

"Don't look at me!"

Fez looked down in shock, "So, the two of you do things to please your man—Lucy has no man—"

"Thanks Fez," Lucy snapped.

Fez continued, "Well Fez is a man. Why do you not please him? Why?"

"Jackie, just give him a hickey!" Kelso said.

Jackie looked at her boyfriend like he was an idiot-which he was. "Okay I'm going home!"

"Me too!" Donna said, getting up. "Gotta go shopping with my mom. Suddenly it's like super important that we be best friends."

"What happened?" Eric asked.

"She's been reading," Donna sighed.

"Reading, damn it, when will they learn?" Eric said jokingly. The girls walked out laughing.

"Luce, give the poor boy a hickey," Eric said.

"I have never prostituted you! Treat me with the same respect," Lucy raised her eyebrow in challenge.

"Aw, has LSD never given a hickey?" Hyde teased, taking Lucy's hand away from his mouth.

"Shut up," she laughed, turning his face away.

Hyde caught her hands and started to tickle her and buried his face in her neck, pretending to give her a hickey. "Knock it off!" she yelled inbetween laughs, jumping up to sit beside Eric on the couch, still laughing.

"Don't touch my sister," Eric yelled, putting his arm in front of Lucy.

"You almost gave me up to Fez!" Lucy yelled confused. "Wait, Kelso what are you doing?" Lucy asked, watching the boy tear through their laundry.

"Well, I need a sexy memento from Laurie," Kelso explained.

"Perv much? She'll never go for you," Lucy chuckled.

"Oh yeah!" Kelso whipped around. "Well why am I commemorating our forbidden love with panties?" He smiled as he held up a pair of underwear.

"Wait, what the hell?" Lucy screeched.

"Oh yeah, Laurie slept with Kelso in his van," Hyde added.

"And you're just now telling me!" Lucy shouted, jumping off the couch.

"Ah, just let him take some panties and go home," Eric sighed as Kelso stuffed the underwear in his pocket.

"Those are Mom's!" Lucy yelled, running her hands through her hair. "You're sleeping with my sister!" Lucy yelled, mostly to herself.

Kelso continued going through the laundry frantically, pulling out a pair of white lacy underwear. "Dammit Kelso! Those are mine!" Lucy screeched.

Kelso frantically dropped the pair before picking it up and inspecting it curiously. Hyde snatched it out of his hands before Lucy huffed and snatched it from Hyde.

" Okay Forman, I'm not telling you how to live you life but if someone touched my mom and my sister's panties..." Hyde trailed off.

"Hyde, didn't everyone touch your mom's panties?" Eric asked.

"Burn!" Kelso yelled.

"You're cheating on Jackie?" Lucy said, still processing the information. "I mean I shouldn't be surprised but—" Lucy mumbled as Hyde pulled her back into his lap. "I can't keep secrets," she whispered nervously, looking at Hyde.

"I don't know doll, you're doing pretty fine with your own," Hyde whispered. Lucy nodded slowly, not so sure anymore.

"Okay Forman, I have a solution to this whole You being a pain in my ass, we sharing a room thing. You move out," Hyde spoke up.

"Of my room?" Eric asked.

"Yeah," Hyde nodded.

"Well uh that's just not gonna happen," Eric explained.

"Okay I'll move out you big baby," Hyde said.

"Still friends?" Eric asked.

"I need time to heal," Hyde said.

"He's going through the first stage of forgiveness right now," Lucy nodded.

"Okay these are Laurie's right?" Kelso asked.

"Kelso, what exactly are you going to do with those panties?" Hyde asked.

"Just look at them," Kelso admitted.

"Kelso did you ever realize that Laurie, Lucy, and Eric have the same eyes?" Fez mentioned. "So if you're doing it with Laurie and she's perhaps wearing a hat it's kind of like doing it with Eric too!"

Lucy shuddered and stole the panties from Kelso, throwing them back to the laundry.

❁

Hyde was on a mission to find a spot for his cot. Lucy and Eric sat in the living room, watching tv when he unfolded it behind the couch.

He hit Eric upside the head as he laid down and pulled Lucy's hair causing her to climb on the wall behind the couch as she winced and she clawed at Hyde's hand. Once she was sitting on the wall, trying to pry Hyde's hand off, he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her over, causing her to erupt in giggles.

Eric looked at the scenario out of the corner of his eye, not very surprised at the interaction but confused about how they've been increasing in number.

Laurie came prancing down the stairs as Lucy giggled, sitting up on the cot so she could still see over the couch.

Laurie plopped down on the couch and stole the remote from Eric, changing the channel.

"Kelso took your underwear," Eric informed her.

"Ah! That's like the third pair!" Laurie complained.

"Ew," the twins whined simultaneously.

Hyde sat up in the cot and Lucy rolled her eyes at her sister. Hyde picked Lucy up and placed her back on the couch, picking up his cot and leaving to find a more peaceful place.

"Give me the remote control," Eric demanded.

"Give me a reason I shouldn't set you on fire," Laurie retorted.

"There's no hairspray in prison," Lucy piped up.

"Who said I'd get caught?" Laurie smirked.

Eric grabbed a pillow and shoved it over Laurie's head, trying to suffocate her. Lucy just inspected her manicure, knowing Eric was too weak to succeed.

Lucy started tapping Eric's shoulder when Red walked in. Her twin turned around to see Red and dropped the pillow. He stood up and Red pointed for him to turn. Red put Eric in a headlock and said "Come on Laurie, take your best shot!"

Just then the doorbell rang and Lucy went to open the door as Kitty ran into the room for the door saying, "Oh Red, we've talked about this. Let him go."

Lucy sighed as she opened the door to a bald man in a tweed jacket. "Oh no, no solicitors here please, goodbye," Lucy said, shutting the door.

The man stopped the door, "Hello Laurie, I'm sorry for coming unannounced but I️—"

Laurie interrupted the man, "Mom! Daddy! This is Professor Stark! He was my art history teacher."

"Well actually, I was your psychology teacher," Professor Stark corrected.

"Damn Laurie no wonder you failed! You can't keep your teachers straight!" Lucy said in shock.

"Well whatever you taught her, she flunked it!" Eric shrugged.

"Eric!" Red scolded. "So you're from the University of Wisconsin? Are you here to give me back my money?"

"Well actually I came here because of Laurie," Stark started.

"Oh yes! He came to see if the university would take me back!" Laurie lied.

"Really? Oh please here have a seat!" Kitty said happily. "I'll make coffee and cake! I'll make coffee cake! And coffee! Oh gosh! Really can you get her back into the university and out of my house?"

"Well, I'm going to try my darndest!" Stark smiled.

"Well this is really good news!" Red beamed.

"This is the best news I've ever heard," Eric said.

"Am I the only one in this house who can perceive honesty?" Lucy mumbled.

"I want to get Laurie back in school," Stark said, rubbing Laurie's thigh.

Eric raised his hand, "Professor, question. How lame, exactly, is your student body if you're trying to get this dumb cow back in—"

"Eric! Don't be a smartmouth!" Red yelled.

"You know I was actually looking into the University of Wisconsin," Lucy said sitting down. "But I want to know if it's a honest and virtuous school. What's the ratio of student-teacher relationships?" she asked very quickly.

"Well—" Stark said.

Kitty laughed nervously "Lucy! He doesn't want to talk about such horrible things! Come help in the kitchen."

"Don't scare him off, he's our only hope," Kitty whispered, ushering the twins into the kitchen.

❁

Lucy sighed as she opened her bedroom door, trying to escape the pedophiliac professor. But her door didn't open all the way. She kept slamming the door open but it would only open halfway.

"Trying to sleep," Hyde mumbled.

"Dammit Steven this is my room!" Lucy sighed, squeezing between the door.

"Everywhere else is too noisy," Hyde whined.

"I don't know, try the garage! Or maybe sleep in Eric's when he's not in the room!" Lucy suggested.

She went over by her bed and passed her window as she did. Once she passed it, she walked backwards back to the window, unsure of what she saw. But down below was Laurie and Professor Stark making out by the garage door.

"Ew ew ew!" she yelled, frozen in her spot.

Hyde rushed over to the window to see what it was, "Oh man, that's nasty," Hyde covered Lucy's eyes.

❁

"No way!" Kelso stood up in the basement.

"Yup, Laurie and her Professor, tonguing in the garage like hungry dogs. It was very disgusting," Eric nodded.

"I knew she was slutty, but never to that extent," Lucy shook her head.

"No, no, because you see, Laurie wouldn't just make out with some old guy," Kelso explained hopefully. "She wouldn't do that."

"No, it's true man. I was in Lucy's room and I saw 'em. It was like live porno. But not good porno because he's like really, really old. It was like old bad porno," Hyde explained.

"Yeah! Wait a minute, why were you in Lucy's room?" Eric spun around.

"Trying out my cot," Hyde said.

"Wait a minute, how could she have slept with her professors and still flunked out?" Lucy asked bewildered.

"It's a skill, a sad, sad, skill," Eric shook his head.

"Michael, why do you care if Laurie kisses her professor?" Jackie asked.

"Yeah Kelso, why do you care?" Hyde tilted his head.

"Well because, it's wrong for an old person to make out with an innocent young student," Kelso lied.

"God, you're noble," Hyde shook his head.

"Like a noble knight, who would never hurt his princess," Lucy added.

"Innocent? Ok, Eric, Lucy, no offense, but your sister is as slutty as they come!" Jackie said.

"Eric! Lucy! Are you going to let her say that about your sister?" Kelso asked.

"Sure," Eric nodded.

"She takes pride in it actually," Lucy shrugged. "But I do think she trained Pam Macy so—"

"Hey, did you realize that there's a room back here man?" Hyde asked getting up. "And it barely stinks!"

"Perfect! You can sit back there beneath your bare bulb writing angry letters to the government!" Eric suggested.

"Don't, he has me proofread them," Lucy whispered to her brother.

"Oh don't think I won't!" Hyde yelled in response.

"Oh my god!" Lucy sighed, getting up and going upstairs.

❁

Everyone sat awkwardly around the dining room table. Stark was balling up his bread before eating it.

"So, um, this news about Laurie leaving is just a little ray of sunshine," Kitty laughed.

"Well, I just wish that more teachers cared about their students like you do," Red said.

"No you don't," Lucy sang under her breath.

"I think it all started to go downhill when you couldn't paddle the kids anymore," Red continued.

"Oh you don't want him paddling any students," Lucy continued to sing under her breath.

Eric laughed, "Pansy-ass Supreme Court."

"Shut up!" Red scolded.

"Hey Forman," Hyde said, leaning across Lucy. "He who hesitates, is boned."

"Laurie is one of the most gifted young women in my class. I've always enjoyed having her," Stark said.

"So many innuendos in one meal," Lucy whispered to Hyde.

Eric started making smooching noises at Laurie, saying "I own you. Oh Laurie, I know something that you don't know that I know, you know? Yes, yes."

"Tell us Forman, so that we can all know," Hyde pried.

"You don't know anything," Laurie hissed. "And if you do know something, I will make you sorry you were ever born."

"Well for your information, I'm already sorry I was ever born!" Eric retorted.

"Eric!" Red snapped.

"See?" Eric said.

"So, what does she need to do to get back into school?" Red asked.

"Well, she'll have to work with me, make a commitment to school. She'll really have to buckle down," Stark explained creepily.

Kitty laughed joyfully, "Well what do you think Laurie? Are you willing to give it a go?"

"Oh mother she's very willing," Eric laughed evilly. "You know dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today in the garage. It was just—It was so surprising."

"Oh Eric, do tell," Hyde encouraged.

"I'm not involved in this," Lucy laughed nervously, looking between her mother and father. "They're crazy!"

"I saw Laurie—" Eric started.

"I'm in love with your daughter," Stark interrupted.

Kitty spit out her drink, Red pushed his chair, Hyde and Eric giggled like schoolchildren, Lucy sunk in her seat embarrassed by her family. Stark also stood up.

"Dad," he started.

"Hey! Come here!" Red yelled, grabbing him to make him regret he was ever born.

❁