《Pretending》Chapter Thirty-Five: Fake Smile
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I woke up, and for a few minutes, I forgot. Then my phone buzzes and all of the memories from yesterday come flooding back. I reach out for my phone and touch someone's head by accident.
"What the fuck!" I yell jumping up and switching my lamp on.
The light turns on to show that Abby was in my bed. "Jesus Christ, is this how you wake your guests up?" Abby groans, putting the pillow over her head.
"I'm sorry I forgot." I try to force a laugh, but nothing comes out. I reach for my phone, but she snatches it from me.
"No, no phone today. You don't need to read anything those losers are saying." She sits up in my bed, and the look she gives me makes me think I wasn't looking my best.
So I walk to my bathroom and look at myself, feeling a combination of pride and disgust. It was amazing how I could hate myself so much yet be so proud of my achievements. Those comments weren't about the Juliet standing in front of me. I had to remind myself that I had changed, I was different. And I would never go back.
I could still see my collarbones. My stomach was flat, and the space between my legs was becoming smaller every day. I was different now; I kept repeating to myself. I wouldn't gain the weight back. Except when I look back in the mirror, I look wider; my stomach isn't as flat as it could be.
How can I stop now? I'm thin, I'm almost there. It's so close I can feel it.
My face was pale, my cheeks hollow. I looked sad. I felt sad. I didn't want to think about him. I had my friends, I had Abby...that was all I needed. I was glad he didn't have to deal with me anymore.
Now he could focus on soccer, they had the big annual Winter Break charity match this weekend against Laurier. He could focus on his training for that. Focus on dealing with his dad. He could focus on his exams without worrying about me. Weight should be lifted off his shoulders. He didn't need to worry about me now.
I had it all under control.
I stepped back into my bedroom. "What about your ski trip?"
"Winston, Adam, Sarah and I were planning on visiting and staying with you and Warner this weekend. Since Adam is playing in Laurier game with him and we are all invited to the event at his house."
I flinch at his name. I knew Abby had noticed.
"He texted me to come here when I was already on my way. Do you want to talk about it?" Abby's face softens when she sees my hands shaking.
"I ended it."
Abby looks shocked but reels it in. She opens her mouth to speak, considering her words. "Why?"
"I just didn't want him to have to deal with my drama anymore. This Sierra crap, the photos, my insecurities, my-" I stop before I realized what I almost admitted. I was going to say eating disorder.
Abby could sense I didn't want to talk about it, so she just wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tightly. Like she knew I was falling apart.
"He told me he loved me, and I asked him to leave." I sob into her shoulder, letting go of any restraint I had on my emotions. "He's right I am a coward."
Abby just holds me tighter and rubs circles on my back gently with one of her hands as I sob. Confessions begin falling from my lips even though I want to keep them all in, "There's something wrong with me, Abby. How do I stop feeling like this." I cry.
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I pull back and see tears falling from Abby's eyes. Great, now I was just burdening her instead of Warner. I needed to stop.
"I'm sorry. You can leave. I know you want to enjoy your winter break. I didn't mean to make you come here." I push off the bed and walk over to my vanity.
Abby shoots up from my bed and grabs my hand before I make it over. "Don't apologize, Juliet. I want to be here; this is what friends do. Never apologize for telling me what's wrong or how you feel. I don't want you to be alone."
Tears brim my eyes. " Thank you" is all I can get out.
__________
It had been four days since the post was made. Warner did what I asked him to and left me alone, so when I receive zero texts and calls from him, I knew it shouldn't hurt, but it does. I typed out many messages to him but deleted every single one.
I was meant to cheer at the game tomorrow, but I dreaded going after that post. I did not want to be around Emily or any of the other girls who said such horrible things. Even some of the soccer players had commented like Marko. I couldn't cheer them on without throwing something at their faces. Or perhaps choking them with one of my hair ribbons, I had imagined a few scenarios like that before bed each night.
Warner's dad was hosting a big gathering for the family and friends of both soccer teams as well as the cheerleaders tonight. This winter break game raised a lot of money for charity each year, and each year, a family was asked to host. Normally the richest one, which is why Warner's dad was picked. Or perhaps it had something to do with his 'influence' in the sports community. There was a raffle for people to donate to, all going to charity. Including raffling off dates with some soccer players and cheerleaders. The only reason I was going was because Tracey stopped by and asked me. It was so much easier to say no over the phone, but when she was standing in front of me, I couldn't do it.
Plus, deep down, I knew that meant I could see Warner. Even though I practically smashed his heart into pieces, a selfish part of me wanted to see him. To see if he was already over me, already doing better.
Amy, Sarah and Abby were all in my room which looked like a cosmetics bomb had gone off in it. Makeup was scattered all over the room, as well as dresses, jewellery and various shoes. This was a formal occasion, and I was informed we had to be as extra as possible.
The last thing I wanted to do was be in a room full of people who saw those photos, but Abby had convinced me it was the best thing to happen. It gave me an opportunity to beat my face to the God's and show them I was not the girl in those pictures. Convince myself I wasn't that girl anymore. It was easier to be kind to myself when I had my friends with me. When I was alone, the mean voice in my head overpowered all of my other thoughts.
So I made sure I wasn't alone. A quick turn in Amy's makeup lab, half an hour in the chair of a miracle worker named Abby with a curling iron, and I looked like someone brand new. No more sad, pathetic girl missing the guy she dumped.
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Nope, I looked completely different. Putting makeup on me really helped hide the lack of sleep and happiness I felt. The blush added colour to my cheeks that was missing, and the contour emphasized my sharp cheekbones.
And the dress. Oh, that damn dress. It was soft on my skin and a bold red. The skirt fell away from a split up my right leg. The fabric was light, airy layers of chiffon that billowed behind me like a cape when I walked -or stalked, as Amy instructed. The top ended an inch above my belly button, offering a peek of stomach. The way it hugged my breasts was almost sinful. There was a silk tie at the back of my top that kept it cinched in under my breasts, and when I moved, it felt like a caress.
And it wasn't just the dress. Or the sleek, smoky eyes. Or the bold lips and sex-tousled hair. Being around Amy, Sarah and Abby helped me remember who I was underneath it all. I was letting myself fall into a self-loathing pit of despair these past couple of days. I needed to show up and show these people that they were wrong about me. Even if I didn't believe it myself, I knew I could fake it.
When we arrived, the front garden was already full of people in extravagant dresses and suits. Winston and Adam met us outside, both dressed in fine suits. Adam wrapped me in a hug before I could even speak, and it was so comforting to know he saw that post and still wanted to be my friend.
"You look beautiful," he beams at me, and I turn red at the compliment.
"Thank you. You clean up pretty well yourself. You too, Winston." I nod to them both, and they grin back.
"Thanks, Grayson; it's good to see you." Winston gives me a nod and then trails his eyes up and down Abby like she's a full course meal. Which she is.
"Alright, let's go in. And Juliet, remember that you are a hot bad bitch. Everyone is really tough when it's online, but nobody would dare say anything here. Not in Warner's house." Amy grabs my shoulders, giving me a pep talk, but Warner's name makes my throat dry.
Before I can dwell on it, Adam links my arm through his and guides us up the steps. Amy and Sarah followed suit, as well as Winston and Abby. I smile a rare genuine smile for the first time this week, knowing my friends have my back.
Until we step inside, and the first person I see is Warner. I knew it was his house, but I thought I could avoid an awkward interaction for at least 10 minutes. He was standing next to his father, looking as handsome as ever in a black fitted suit. He had a navy tie around his neck and a glass of whiskey in his hand. But it couldn't be whiskey because he didn't drink. Maybe it was like the other night where he just held it as a clutch?
His eyes shot right to me like he could sense me enter. His eyes drift down my body, my red gown, my legs, my face. Then to Adam's arm around mine, and he takes a big gulp of the drink. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't what it looked like, but he didn't give me a chance. He didn't even come over to us, he just turned on his heel and walked to the bar for a refill.
"Sarah and I are going to go find my parents." Amy drags Sarah away from us, who had a look of fear in her eyes. I forgot people's parents would be here; my mom refused to come because she couldn't miss her personal training session with her latest boyfriend.
"Winston, Adam, we are in need of some champagne." Abby smiles sweetly at them both, and they get the hint walking away from us. Warner had left to somewhere out of my sight as well.
I look around the room and spot Marko before he looks our way. I thought of his comment 'that's actually nasty' and feel my shoulders droop in shame. Abby seems to notice because she puts her arm through mine. I straighten at the look she gives me and fake a smile. Until he turns and I see the state of his face, his left eye is swollen shut, and there is an enormous black and blue bruise under his eye. His lip is split as well.
"Holy shit." I breathe. I hoped he would avoid me, but he starts walking over when his eye catches mine. Why was he walking over?
"Hi, Juliet." He looks guilty, and his bruises look even worse up close and personal. Abby looks just as confused as I do as to why he was talking to me.
"What do you want?" I clip, my voice harsh.
"I wanted to apologize for my comment on that post. I am just butthurt that you would never get with me, so I commented an untrue statement. You are not nasty; I am just an insecure loser, and I do not deserve your forgiveness."
Abby and I look at each other and exchange unspoken words. Did he actually just say that?
"Um, okay. Thanks." I can't hide the shock on my face. Marko gets the hint and walks back to his friends, but my mouth is still open.
"What the fuck was that? I have never heard that man apologize. And what the hell happened to his face?" Abby grabs us both a champagne glass, not waiting for the guys to bring us our drinks, and I chug mine in one go.
"I have no idea."
"So, are you going to buy a raffle ticket for a date with a sexy soccer boy? Since you are the single one now, I must live through you." Abby changes the topic swiftly, pulling me over to an empty couch.
"I think I might be done with soccer players for a while. Maybe I could find a nice chess or cricket player." I joke, scanning the room again for Warner. God, I was pathetic.
I groan, realizing that Warner would be one of the players raffled off. I would have to stand there while they announced some girl winning a date with him. Yes, it was for charity, but the thought of him going on a date with another girl made my chest hurt.
"Jdawg, there you are. I have been looking for you!" Kenji plops down on the couch right between Abby and me. Despite the lack of space for him there.
"Hi Kenji, this is Abby."
"Pleasure. Do you mind if I steal Jube Jube for a bit?"
Abby stifles a laugh at the nickname, and I glare at Kenji. "Yeah, I'll be here waiting for our drinks. God, those men are slow."
Kenji practically pulled me off the couch and down the hall. I could barely keep up in my heels. Next thing I knew, he was dragging me into the main common room where the raffle and auctions were happening. There were gift baskets, team jerseys and a bunch of other items displayed on tables. Next to the gifts were different bowls for different players. Warner's bowl was already overflowing with slips.
"You need to donate and put your name in the bowl before these ladies get a date with your man." He grabs my purse off my shoulder and grabs a 20-dollar bill from my wallet. He gives it to the lady behind the counter before I can even protest.
"Ten raffle tickets, please" he blocks me from the table.
"Kenji, you can't just steal my wallet." I tried to reach around him.
"It's for charity, you heartless wench." The lady hands him the tickets, and he grabs a pen from her hand.
"Okay, now write your name down on these, and we will put them all in Warner's bowl. I can probably steal some other names out of it while nobody is looking." He shoves the pen in my hand, and I glance at him, confusion written all over my face.
Did Warner not tell him?
"Kenji, I am not trying to win a date with Warner."
He looks at me like I have some sort of brain damage. "Um, Juliet, if you don't put your name in a hot cougar is going to get a one-on-one date with your man or another desperate girl from Warner's fan club. I am trying to help you."
Oh god, Warner didn't tell him. I guess he didn't seem too broken up about it if Kenji didn't notice.
"Kenji, he is not my man anymore. Warner and I ended things. So, you just wasted my 20 dollars because I am not putting my name in his bowl." I say, shaking my head.
For once, Kenji is speechless. His mouth gapes open then closed; he is silent for once. Contemplating something. I waited for him to reach whatever conclusion he was trying to figure out. "You and Warner are an epic love story. You can't just end things. There is no way Warner would ever want to end things."
He looks at me like he knew I was the reason it ended, and he was right. "I ended things. And I really don't want to talk about this right now. Please, Kenji."
I have never seen him so serious. "Shit. I need to find Warner." That was all he said, leaving me at the tables.
Now I was stuck with ten raffle tickets in front of the player's bowls. "Are you going to pick one? Or do you need me to?" the girl at the table looked annoyed. A line had started behind me. I didn't want to win a date with anyone.
"Hurry up." The girl behind me in line grunts, so I find Adam's bowl which had a lot of names and throw the tickets in. He was the only other guy I would be comfortable around. And he would know I did It as a friend... for charity.
I just prayed I didn't win it.
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