[This passage was extremely hard to understand, and I doubt it will be included in the manhwa. It could only be a dream, or it could be that Allen has a kind of bipolar / multiple personality problem. He's talking about falling asleep and waking up too much to understand if the scene is imaginary or real. If anyone knows more about this, let me know what's happening and I'll make corrections accordingly.]

"Allen?"

A month after my seventeenth birthday, I was frantically busy with the first birthday party of the Crown Prince since I entered the administration. I hadn't seen my lady for a while. That day was the same. I was pressed by the time. I had been awaken for a while, and I could feel someone reaching out to me. I woke up in an instant.

[I think Allen is talking about his other personality waking up here.]

I opened my eyes and snatched my opponent's wrist. As soon as I grabbed him and strangled him on the sofa, I was surprised by the familiar colours that spread out before me. The opponent was not an assassin. It was my lady.

I could see silver hair in disarray and gold shaking eyes. A face I had missed so much. My lovely girl, my lady, who has come to my mind over and over again. I felt a deep thirst when I saw her looking up at me with her big eyes wide open. The pink lips, which I remembered tasting one day, attracted me. I wanted them. I wanted to reach them.

Can we try it one more time, Tia? Yes?

I was a little nervous. I could sometimes see the dark eyes that had made me fall in love a few years ago through my lady's eyes.

No. Don't do that. Look at me. Or rather don't look at anyone. Don't hold me in your heart unless you're going to put me in your heart.

I was angry at the way she tried to take her wrists out of my grip.

Why are you trying to avoid me now?

Don't do that, Tia. Don't leave me. Don't push me away. I'm here all the time. Why do you keep getting away? Don't leave me alone in the dark. If I take you by force, then you'll look at me. Will you stay with me if I destroy you? It's heartbreaking not to have your whole heart, but it's better than seeing you next to someone. Stay with me. In this deep darkness. Stay with me, in this dark shadow. It's just too hard for me to go out into the world of light.

I loved the sight of her golden pupils only reflecting me. As I gradually lowered my face, the other things in my lady's eyes gradually disappeared. That's it, my lady. That's how you should look at me. With your eyes only full of me.

"A-Allen..."

I was awakened by the shivering voice calling me. Eyes full of fear. A face drained of blood. My heart sank when I saw the terror on my little girl's eyes.

What was I just about to do? Am I really going crazy now that I've been so quiet in the dark for so long?

I'm sorry, Tia. I know better than anyone else that I'm not ready, but I've been craving you for so long that I keep forgetting myself. I'm getting impatient for fear that you will fly away, that you will walk away in the light, leaving me alone in this darkness.

My heart suddenly broke. Surely you were locked in the same deep darkness as me, living in the raging madness, when did you leap out and shine like this? Teach me how, too. Give me your hand, too. Now that I know the joy of being together, I don't want to live in my own shadow anymore. Please don't abandon me, Tia. Don't leave me.

***

"Your Excellency is looking for you."

"OK, I'll be right there."

I didn't really want to go to the Crown Prince's birthday party. I arrived late and saw Tia laughing in front of the crown prince in the banquet hall.

I headed to the meeting place. While listening to the conversation, I was awakened by the mention of Monique's name.

You tried to kill my little girl ? Many times? You'll be looking for a chance? I'll put this information on hold for now.

For a moment, I thought it would be okay. I'd rather she was dead rather than seeing her with another man. Because the Tia I loved was alive and well in my memory. The little girl in my head was smiling brightly, showing blind faith in me.

If I were to close my eyes and ears, I could live forever with the lovely lady who remained in my memory. I wouldn't hear her calm voice calling me directly through my ears, and I wouldn't see her through my eyes, but I thought I could bear it. I thought it would be better to lose her than her lovely past self being slowly erased by her future self.

But when I came home and saw the green hair strap that I had cherished in my desk drawer and the initials of my lady embroidered on its tail, and the silver letter of the little girl who had written down about her wounds little by little without a hint of doubt even after her blind trust in me had been broken, I burst into tears.

Oh, Tia.

I could not hurt Tia even though I knew her heart was gone and I knew that she would not stay with me anymore unless something was done. The one is my memories was precious, but my lady who lived and breathed under the same sky was even more precious. Damn, I just couldn't let go of my girl.

Inside the double-layered cord of the hair strap, there was a flower of Dela, which was invisible to the outside, that said, "Blessed love will be achieved." It was it made with the love I had for my little girl, who always wore her hair tied while on duty.

I did this because I thought you'd look at me if you ever see it. I know it is useless, but if I didn't have any hope, I don't think I would have any will to heal.

***

[The following scene appears in chapter 94, although in the manhwa Tia wakes up and sees Allen kissing her hair. And the whole scene is really lighter than in the novel. The manhwa readers will never know how close to death Tia was at this moment.]

"Wow, it's pretty."

Tia smiled at the green hairband. I clutched my throbbing chest as I looked at her silver hair pouring down like a waterfall. I was looking at Tia showing her back unprotected and the strings in my hands. A cold voice whispered in my heart filled of pain.

"She doesn't love you. She doesn't look at you. She's going to leave you and run away. You'll be alone again. You'll struggle with loneliness and get stuck in the dark."

"No, she won't. She's not such a cruel woman." I protested.

"Don't be ridiculous." said the cold voice which was teasing me for the first time.

"You know it. That she doesn't love you. Are you just gonna watch her go to another guy like this? I'd rather kill her. If you can't have her, no one will. As time goes by, she'll get farther and farther. If you're sad enough to handle it now, just get rid of her. So that no one can have her. She's alive in your memory anyway. Smiling at you."

I clasped the hair strap with trembling hands. As I gathered her silver hair together, the white nape of the neck was revealed. A slender neck that felt like it would break if you stretched and grabbed it with one hand. If I just curled this cord around her neck, it wouldn't be long before she leaves for a world where no one can hold her. And she would only live and breathe in my memory. Even if the years go by and have her fade away from the minds of others, I will still vividly recall her.

My long-cherished desire. To have a girl who only looks at me and loves me, whom only I can see and that no one else can covet.

As soon as I tried to swirl the ribbon around her thin neck, I could see Tia's face reflected on the window. The girl blinked slowly and ended up slowly closing her eyes to sleep.

The day when I saw some of the swirling madness within me, my little girl was leaning against the window with a serene face, no fear, no apprehension, as in her childhood, when she was blindly trusting me.

How can you trust me so much, Tia ?

No matter how much I act in front of you. You shouldn't believe me this much. Your father noticed it instinctively and hated me.

How can you trust what am I like so ?

Can't you see the rolling darkness in me? Or are the remnants of your blind trust that I thought had already disappeared, deeply embedded in you? Even I doubt it. How can you be so free in front of me without a speck of anxiety ?

Maybe I've gone mad already. I can't believe I'm thinking of ruining her, who is the only one who trusts me that much. It's only recently that I thought I couldn't hurt her. But I did try to kill this beloved silver-haired girl.

The hand holding on to the hair strap trembled.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I kissed the silver hair of my beloved girl with a guilty heart.

***

[This following scene is not mentioned in the manhwa.]

"Why did you want to meet me in secret, Sir Verita?"

After days and nights of contemplation, I asked for a secret meeting with His Majesty. I asked my father for his help for the first time in my life. For I needed secrecy to keep the aristocrats from noticing.

Facing a sharp gleaming blue pupil, I confided what had been going on. The kind of information stolen from the Emperor's family, behind-the-scenes negotiations with the four kingdoms except for the Kingdom of Lua. And the plans and details of Tia's assassination which I only barely got to know a few days ago.

After all my efforts, I still didn't have the strength to protect my little girl. It did not matter if I was to be punished for betraying the forces supporting the emperor and stealing information. It was much more important for me to protect my beloved girl.

His Majesty, hearing my talk without much agitation, offered me a deal. In exchange for him blocking the plot of the nobility and protecting my lady, I would steal the high-quality information from the nobility and give it to the department that is conducting a background check on the royal daughters. [The Emperor is talking about the information on Princess Moira of Ite and her deal with Duke of Jenna.]

I knew it was an unfair deal. Now that he knew the truth, the Emperor had no choice but to protect my lady. However, the fairness of the deal was not important. It was more important for me to protect Tia. From the intrigue of the aristocracy, and from me who may be sucked into the dark at any time.

"Even if you provide us with these information, it doesn't erase your sins. Why did you confide in me? I can tell it's to ease your sense of guilt. Is it because of her?"

"..."

"I must be right. She's such a jewel. The light of our Empire. Then, what should I do with you, who is interested in my future daughter-in-law? Your sins are quite heavy."

"I'll take any punishment, even if it is death."

"Huh, I'm not such a fool. How can I execute such a man as yourself so easily? Let's do this. This is what my punishment for you is."

***

I missed Tia. I wanted to see her. But I couldn't. Now I was dangerous. In order to protect Tia from me who might go crazy at any time, I had to reduce our time together as much as possible. I gnashed my teeth and turned away as I looked toward the 1st Infantry Division where my lady was.

But the power of the nobility was deeper than I thought. Well, that's why the current emperor hadn't been able to get rid of it.

The aristocrats were meeting in a a shabby house in the plebeian part of the town. I was struggling to extract the information on the royal daughters and the details of Tia's assassination scheme.

Money was very important in a power struggle. Tia was already at the top of Sharia's purse strings: Noon and Naira, who owned the jewel mine; and Senk, a jeweler's. Tia was a member of the emperor's family, and she created a huge ripple effect by tying up places that were largely unnoticed. With no help from anyone, only by her own strength. I had to be extra cautious to deceive the Duke of Jenna, who was grinding his teeth at my lady.

I walked down the street with joy and sorrow at the accomplishment of my beloved girl.

I miss you more today, Tia. How are you, my lady?

I sorely missed her silver hair, and the warm, shining golden pupils of her eyes. If I hugged her and told her I was too tired, what would she do? I'm sure the sweet silver lady would console me. But it would just be a consolation as a friend, not as a heartbroken lover.

I saw something glistening. A sliver of silver hair in the corner of a store. The shivering silver which shone like a moonlight somehow reminded me of my young lady, so I couldn't just pass by. Unknowingly, my feet headed for the store. When I saw a kitten crouching without even thinking of struggling, I remembered a silver girl who kept loving me. I stroked its hair carefully and soothed it. It wasn't until a long time later that I was fascinated by the golden eyes of the cat that slowly lifted its head.

"...Tia."

I paid for it. I didn't even know how much. And I brought the kitten home. I just couldn't leave behind a little life that looked just like my little girl.

I named her "Tia" after the girl I loved. When I saw the kitten that needed me blindly following me like a mother, I thought of my silver girl when I met her for the first time.

For a while I spent my time pouring my love into the cat that looked just like Tia instead of the girl I loved so much.

"Hello, Allendis."

A week after I met with His Majesty, I came across my lady who was walking with her redhead friend in the outer palace.

When I saw the two people together, I was heartbroken. But I was more than happy to meet Tia, whom I had missed terribly.

Tia, my little girl, glad to see you alive. I was happy for a moment when I saw the green hair strap, which holds silver curls together.

Do you know? Inside the colored hair laces I gave you, there are Dela flowers embroidered for your lover.

But it occurred to me that I had to get away from her quickly.

I didn't know what would happen if I was seen with Tia by someone from the aristocracy faction at the moment when the assassination plans were put in action. I didn't mind being suspected, but I couldn't risk them changing the assassination plans without my knowledge.

I managed to say goodbye to my beloved lady and turned around. I was choked by the surging longing.

No, don't look back. Don't forget your decision to protect her.