[Chapter 9: Once More, Soul to Soul]

I let out a sigh. "You don't have to be so nervous," I noted how Tae flinched as if he was dreading this moment. In his seat, he shuffled around, getting into a better position. At that moment, I smiled. A smile that was full of reassurance. "I'm not— okay, I am a bit disbelieved of what happened yesterday but," Tenderly, I took his free hand with my own, causing him to meet my gaze. "That's why I want to hear it from you. I want to know your story."

He took a sharp breath, eyes wavering. But then seconds after, he looked away, head hung low as his shoulders hunched. The dark-haired man curled his hands on his lap. "...are you sure?" I heard his quiet question.

"Yup."

"Even when that pers— after all that has happened?"

I let out a small giggle. "Yeah. I've decided to believe in you. In the person I got to know."

I should've done this from the start— I should've stayed there and waited for him. But, at least I'm doing this now.

And that, judging by his body language, was all it took.

With one swift glance at me, Tae-young opened his mouth, delving into his story. "I..." He took a deep breath, eyes darting to the table. I could understand— this was probably something that affected him a lot. "I did a bunch of terrible shit in this life. Robbery, underage drinking— I ended up hurting people!" Huh? I was surprised to hear that. Him? Someone that fussed over everything his siblings does? That one? Tae-young, with stress written on his face, combed a shaky hand through his hair. "And the worst thing: I didn't even know what I did was wrong."

I blinked, chin rested on top of my interlocked fingers. Didn't know? Now that was something that caught me. "Wanna elaborate on that?" I pressed on gently, keeping a calm voice. I didn't just want to stop there just yet. I then waved a hand in a dismissive way. "I need the full picture before I can make an opinion." I corrected, before he could draw any other conclusions.

The man fidgeted in his seat, frowning, but opened his mouth. "I... I was always homeschooled until around high school. I didn't know anyone and— and I ended up hanging out with people. People who took me when I didn't know what to do." That unnerving feeling of suspicion bubbled and at the mention of other people. "They ended up suggesting me to do things that I... ended up doing." He meant all those crimes, right? The dark-haired male looked up to me, dread and desperation in his eyes taking me back. "But— but I've been trying to redeem myself!"

"I can see that— and I can tell that you are trying." My head tilted to the side, pursuing my lips. What a way to word it, though. It's as if he had a choice— but I feel like that wasn't it. At least, it was harder than it seems. "Did they specifically say that they were bad?" My eyes narrowed as questioned further. Just something about this didn't feel right...

He stayed silent, eyes wavering. Wait. I realized it. He... Why is he hesitating on such a question? My back straightened, "They didn't, did they?" I guessed, well, it wasn't really a guess at this point.

That would make sense— I don't know the full details of his childhood but— why else would he blindly do all those things?

I saw the man gulp— whether it was out of fear or regret doesn't matter now. "Sure, they didn't but—" My teeth pressed together as he continued. Why are you trying to defend them?! "It should've been obvious, I'm just a—"

"No, that's the thing!" I stood up, a loud skid coming from my chair as I cut him off. The adult jumped but I was already pointing at him. "They specifically did not tell you! They made it seem like it was okay to do those things!" I let out a sigh as I sat back down, brows furrowing with annoyance.

How in the fuck... I pressed my hands onto my face. He— "Tae— you've been manipulated."

"Ma— " He exclaimed.

Oh my god, why is this so shocking to him? "Manipulated and practically groomed. Gaslighted even, if we're stretching it." I then sighed once more, calming myself down with a lowered head. "Sorry— I promised I wouldn't yell at you. But, thank God you realized later on." How though? I glanced up from his, watching as his frantic expression stared back. Considering his whole reaction, probably the hard way.

In a way, believe it or not, I was relieved. I was relieved that the person I spent years with was real— it wasn't just one whole lie (like the one I kept). I leaned against my chair, eyes focused on the ceiling. Another sigh, "I'm glad."

My ears picked up sounds of shuffling, "...What?" My crush's voice was filled with disbelief. "Ho— How can you be okay about all this?! I literally ruined someone's—"

I craned my neck down with a finger pointed up, "Okay one: I didn't mean that I'm ok you did all that shit. I would be a total asshole if I did." I explained swiftly, lifting another finger. "Two: did you mean any harm? No, of course not." Well, it wouldn't really excuse all the shit but it's better than doing it on purpose. "And three," Another finger. "As you've said, you've been trying to redeem yourself all this time. I just hope you can actually do that."

Lowering my head, I placed it in my arms, my forehead touching the cool, hard surface of the table. "I'm just— just so glad..." I choked out a small laugh, exhaling deeply. If... if what he did was on purpose— if he didn't regret it then—

I don't think I would have forgiven him.

"But why?" Tae repeated. He just doesn't get it, does he? "How can you just— just accept this so easily?!"

"It's not that," I stressed out, head still lowered. I kicked the air lightly under the table. "It's not that at all. Hell, if you had said that in front of that murderer right then and there, I probably would've reacted differently." Maybe even strangled him.

I thought back on last night— the conversation I had with Sasuke. my head raised, eyes trailing down the small bits and bumps of the ceiling. "But I think that it's because I've known you for so long that I can trust you. That I can believe that you are good."

Reaching out for his hand, mine curled around his. I felt him tense, not expecting the touch, but I only smiled. "So trust in yourself as well. What's the point of redemption if you don't believe you can do it?"

His eyes widened with a sharp intake, his hands curling around mine. And— wait— is he crying?! Tae-young's teary eyes darted downwards, cheeks blooming into a soft red. "I— um, I'm not crying." The man insisted before I could say anything, creasing his brows deeply as he then turned his head away, flustered.

I giggled softly at the sight of the slight red tint on the tips of his ears. "Mhm, you aren't." I lightly teased. Tsun Tsun.

He huffed, though it was more of a way to catch his breath. "You..." Tae-young trailed off. His brown eyes darted up to mine, a certain emotion swirling through them caused me to stop. What's with that look on his face? I couldn't help but feel a chill down my spine. "You always get me like this. And— and yet..." He let out an airy laugh. "That's why I li—"

"No!" I stood up, slapping a hand onto his mouth. Not that. I thought, clenching my teeth. The Seong flinched, eyes widening with shock as he unintentionally created a muffled noise. Ah. I blinked— finally realizing my actions. "I— I mean," Carefully removing my hand on him, I sat back. My hands were balled up against my lap, shoulders hunched up as I felt a jittery warmth in my chest. And probably hot embarrassment on my cheeks. I sighed. "I mean, we're both going through some stuff. Let's deal with that before we talk about it, okay?"

That's right— I told myself. I... I still have some issues that I need to deal with. Issues that I'm not sure how to fix. Would... would I ever? I let out a low hum, furrowing my brows. I didn't want to look at his face— it was probably one that would break my heart.

In an act of distraction, I shoved a hand into the long-forgotten bag of honey Buddha chips, chomping as soon as one entered my mouth. "Well, now that it's all settled, let's..." I trailed off. Let's... "Huh, I didn't think this through."

"What?" He held a confused expression.

"I really thought this would more emotional and, you know, longer." I glanced up at the clock. "It only took around 15 minutes." This is going to be a short chapter... I mean— what?

To my relief, the man finally chuckled. It was one that reminded me of soft chimes— causing me to quirk my lips up with fists propped under my cheeks. "Not when you just shut me up." Tae joked, gracing me with a small grin.

"Eh," I shrugged, pushing back a strand of hair. "You were gonna have a mental breakdown— I'm just doing my therapist job." I sighed, letting my smile fall off with a dismissive hand. Well... I guess— I'm... I'm just happy that you...

"Hm? What was that?"

Ah. I blinked. "Did I just..." A laugh fell out of my lips before I could stop it. Sitting up straight, I placed my hands on my lap. "I'm just happy that you didn't do worse than me."

"...What?" There was a sort of disbelief in his low voice. "How could you do worse than

"Well, maybe that statement was an exaggeration but..." I took a deep breath. God, I didn't mean for this to go this way. My eyes narrowed. It's too late now. "You know how I said I was practically raised in that foster care?" I saw Tae nod in the corners of my eyes. "All my life, I've always wondered who my parents were. And— and why they decided to abandon their child." I smiled, though I didn't feel any joy in it.

Aah... the dark bitterness on my tongue tasted disgusting. My eyes closed as I heard the loud, blood-curdling screams.

"One day, I found out." I spitted out bitterly, head hanging low. Ah yes, that terrible, day. The day I regretted doing the thing I did. "Hey, isn't it weird that I have these stupid eyes?" I pressed a hand over my eye, letting out yet another sigh. "Everybody— even though they never say it— they think it looks weird. 'Why did I have to have them?' I kept asking myself that," I needed to giggle. "But— but then, I realized the reason why."

Removing my hand, my head raised. I ignored the way his unnerved expression only grew as I smiled. Smile, smile, smile— that's the can save me. Just smile and make people happy! "It was so I would be reminded of how much of a monster I am."

"But you're not—"

I cut him off, even if it felt like I was the one harming him. "Maybe that's what you think but, I— I just can't help but think otherwise. I mean, why else was I given up?" Especially when nobody— nobody ever said otherwise until... "I know that it's terrible thinking— I that. But, whenever I look at the mirror." My lips pressed together. "I can't help but remember."

A huff fell out of my lowered head. "I'm sorry, it's hypocritical— about saying how it's not your fault but here I am, wrecking myself over."

Everything I do is hypocritical— I can't help it.

🎶🎶

"Then can you let me you?" My breath hitched at his sudden proposal. He had wiped his teary eyes with an arm— though there were still a red tint under his eyes. I— I don't even know who he's crying for at this point. "Can't I?" The Seong asked again, softer this time as his hand reached over and squeezed mine. "Cu— cuz, you've done so much for me and— and it's not all that—"

Ah. That bitterness that was on my tongue? It's gone— all I could taste was a blissful sweetness now. A giggle fell out of my lips as I felt my heart pound loudly. Ahaha... "Tae, you've already done enough!" I replied with a smile, one that wasn't forced this time. I mean, just by holding my hand, I feel so happy.

"Did you know?" My shoulders hunched up as my eyes darted downwards, my fingers tracing over the outlines of his hand. "When you complimented my eyes, I was... really happy. So much I'm surprised I didn't go and burst out red."

And it was true— I really was happy. However... "But, I feel like just you being with me is already enough. Heck, over the past days, I've... I've actually felt better about myself."

The times where we laughed, where we held our hands— I'll treasure those in my heart. And, for the times that it happened, I had forgotten about my problems. I had forgotten that I had desperately tried to hide Ashley— this part away. I wasn't a liar. I wasn't a monster. I wasn't someone that ruined lives.

In those moments, I was simply

My head tilted to the side. "So, until the very end, is it..." Haaah... I noticed how my voice shriveled up— despite my experiences of voice control. The heat was evident in my cheeks. Why is it now that I'm getting embarrassed? "Is it possible for you to stay by my side?"

"Of course!" I blinked at how blunt his response was. I think he realized it too because the adult suddenly turned his head away, flushing red with quivering lips. "I— I mean no— wait no, I would say yes but—!"

I couldn't help but snort at the tsundere, "You tsun tsun!"

"Hey—!"

And yet— we couldn't help but laugh together. To laugh at our foolishness. To laugh at our fears.

To find some sort of solace with our past.

Extra:

...Should I tell him that his murderer also indirectly killed me?

I glanced at him, who rubbed his eyes with a sniff. His eyes were still red and puffy— but he seemed to feel better now. I shook my head. No, some things are better off unsaid.