Avoidance.

It's a term that I'm very familiar with. It's so much easier to put every single thing that's bothering you into a mental box and forget about it. Lock it up and throw away the key. Pretend it never happened. Pretend you don't feel the pressure. Pretend you don't see the problem. Pretend you don't have feelings. Pretend that everything is fine.

It's easy to pretend. It's easy to ignore. It's easy to push away. But eventually, when your mental box finally reaches its capacity, all that pretending overflows. It overflows big time. Everything you've avoided, ignored, pushed aside comes spilling and gushing and pouring out. It creates a mess.

A giant fucking mess.

And God, do I hate messes; preventable ones in particular. They're the worst because you knew they were coming. You could sense it. Feel it in your bones. Danger ahead. Stop now. The signs were all there. Red and big and flashing. But, like everything else, I avoided them.

Until now.

Sometimes messes are hard to clean up. They require a lot of work. A lot of dedication. A lot of strength. Internal messes require patience. With yourself. With the process. With accepting that you might never be spotless. Might never be perfect. That there might be residue, dust, evidence of the mess that stays with you forever. But maybe that's okay. Maybe we're allowed to be a little messy. A little dirty. A little rough around the edges. Maybe that's what makes us special. Unique.

Human.

Internal messes can take weeks, months, years to clean up. But I think the effort will be worth it. Because... I think I'm worth it. I think my mind deserves to live in a clean environment. It deserves to roam free without fear of bumping into that damn mental box that takes up way too much fucking room. I don't want a box. I want space. Room for growth. Room to feel. To love. To relax. Room to just be myself. Finally. So a year or even ten doesn't feel like that much time.

But for external messes? Time is of the utmost importance.

"I'm just heading to the Headmaster's office now," I say into my phone, fiddling with Maxine's prescription bottles as I walk through the quad. I can't believe Rothland's secretary shooed me away twice. Twice! What is he so busy with? This is his job. "How's everything with your aunt? Did you talk to your dad yet?"

"Bessie couldn't get a hold of my parents. I called Freddie and he said they're on a business trip in Dubai right now," Ollie sighs. "Listen, Ken, are you sure-"

"Yes, I'm sure!" I exclaim, pausing by the fountain. "I know it's a long shot but it's the only thing I can think of."

"He's going to think you're lying," Oliver comments. "You're too perfect to be fallible, love."

I roll my eyes. "Oh, you're so funny! Ha ha ha!"

"If only you were more of a shit student, eh?" Ollie teases. "Maybe you should break a window or something. Smoke a spliff in the corridor. Oh! Push a bike through the grass, huh? That ought to do it."

"Stop making jokes, this is serious." I pout. "How are you taking this so lightly?"

"Cause it's out of my hands, Ken," Ollie says in a playful tone. "In the words of Maxine 'this is a you problem, not a me problem'."

"You're a real gem, you know that, Knight?" I say, scowling.

"I'd like to think of myself more of a skipping stone," he jokes.

I groan, closing my eyes. "I'm going to hang up now."

"Good luck trying to prove you're a bad egg," he sings. God, he could at least pretend to be concerned. "Call me when you fail."

"Goodbye, Oliver," I state, suppressing a smile.

I should not be smiling right now!

"Bye," he says, pausing for a moment before adding, "I love you, my little psycho."

Shit. Now I'm actually smiling. Damn it, Oliver!

"I love you too," I say, shaking my head in mild frustration. It's like impossible to feel anything but happy when I talk to him now. What kind of sorcery is this?

Hanging up, I shove my phone in my pocket and head into the school, making my way to Rothland's office. This time I'm not taking no for an answer. He will hear me out! My phone rings just as I'm turning the corner towards the administrative offices.

"Hello?"

"Where are you?!" Max shouts. "Please tell me you haven't gone to Rothy yet!"

"I'm literally like thirty seconds away," I say. "I'm doing this, Max. Don't try to stop me!"

"Stop!"

"What did I just say?!"

"I'm trying to help you, Kenny!" Maxine huffs. "Just don't do anything yet! Cliff has an idea. The bus is just pulling up to the school now. Meet us in the common room, okay?"

I frown. "You have an idea? Really?"

"Hey!" she exclaims. "Don't sound so surprised! I'm full of great ideas when I need to be!"

"Yeah? The last great idea you had almost landed you in the hospital," I snort.

"If Michael Scott can parkour in the office, I should be able to parkour in class," she argues, breathing heavily. "Okay, me and Cliff just need to drop off our stuff. Give us five minutes."

"Fine," I grumble, eyeing Rothland's office. "This better be a good idea."

"If you still wanna go to Harvard then it's an excellent idea," she says.

"Okay," I swallow away a tiny ball of sudden anxiety in the back of my throat. "I'll see you in five."

Harvard. It almost slipped my mind. I was so busy thinking about helping Ollie that I forgot about the consequences of telling the truth. Of turning myself in. See? Such a mess. What am I going to tell my dad? He's going to hate me. I know it. This is everything I've worked for since preschool. Since I could talk. Read. Write. Harvard was everything.

I take a deep breath, calming myself before I head towards the dormitories. Maybe losing everything is okay. It'll be a fresh start. A blank canvas. Sure...I'll probably have to repeat senior year, I'll never be admitted into another Ivy League school, and I'll be shunned by my dad, no big deal. My heart rate accelerates as I exit the front doors, my anxiety spiking as I almost crash into the Bimbo Brigade.

"Where you going, druggie?" Larisa scowls, giving me a shady once over.

I sigh. "Just get out of my way."

"Probably to find more Addy since Mrs. P stole all hers," Maya comments with a laugh as she turns to Corrine. "Maybe she wants some of your coke."

"Shut up," Corrine mumbles, shifting awkwardly.

"Just give it to her," Maya chuckles, teasingly nudging Corrine. "Moms-to-be shouldn't use drugs anyways."

"Shut up!" Corrine demands, louder this time as she glowers at Maya. "I'm not pregnant, okay?! Let it go."

"You sure?" Maya asks, raising a challenging brow. "You're looking a little-" She gestures a circle around her belly. "These days."

"She'd know if she was," Larisa chimes in, scrolling her phone. "Clearblue tests are super accurate, trust me."

Corrine's head snaps towards Larisa. "What?"

"What?" Larisa asks, looking up confused.

"What did you say?" Corrine asks, crossing her arms. "How'd you know-"

I shake my head. Max was right. "I need to go," I say, pushing past the bitchiest girls I've ever met. I look back at Corrine. "You need better friends, Corrie."

Corrine's mouth opens as she stares at me. "You didn't-"

"No," I say, feeling mildly bad for her. "I don't break promises. You should know that."

"I-"

"Doesn't matter," I say, holding up Max's prescription bottle. "Too late now."

"Ken-"

"Just leave me alone," I say, turning away from her.

Corrine might have fanned the flames but she didn't start this fire. I did. If I didn't convince Max to let me try her Adderall, none of this would have happened. Max tried to warn me. She told me, time and time again, that I needed to stop. But I didn't listen. God, why didn't I listen? How did I let this happen? How did I let this go so far?

"Kenny, over here!" Max calls out as I enter the common room. I ignore the stares from my classmates as I sheepishly walk towards her and Cliff. Max stands up, tossing her arms around me. "I missed you!"

"It's been like two days," I mutter, hugging her back as I catch Cliff smiling at us. Or her. Probably her. Max isn't hard to love. She's one of a kind. My little diamond. "But I've missed you too."

"Sit," Max orders, sitting down and patting a seat next to her. She glances at Cliff. "Tell her your idea."

"Okay, so-" Clifford clears his throat, resting his forearms on the table as he leans forward. "You need evidence that the Adderall was yours right?"

I nod, eyeing my friends suspiciously. "Yeah..."

"And you were gonna show him Max's bottles and tell him you were taking her pills, right?" he asks.

"That was the plan, yeah."

"Okay, so we have a better idea," he says, looking at Max for approval.

"Which is?" I probe, starting to get annoyed. "Spit it out already."

"Cliff's mom works at my pharmacy," Maxine says with a sly grin.

"Okay? So?"

"So..." Max draws out. "Cliff can sneak in after hours and alter one of my prescriptions to say your name!"

I blink. "You're insane. That's totally illegal. You guys can't do that. If you get caught-"

"I won't," Cliff states with total confidence, tossing Max a smirk.

"Yeah, he's super good with computers," she grins, sliding over her phone. "Ask me how many gigs I have? Ask me!"

I close my eyes. "How many, Max?"

"Like a butt-fucking-ton!" she exclaims. "It'll work, Ken, trust me. This way, Rothy won't have a choice but to believe you, right? And since it's a prescription, they can't even kick you out! It's a win-win!"

"I don't know," I hum. "What if they call the pharmacy to check? Or the doctor? They'll probably follow up don't you think?"

"Bitch," Maxine sighs, rolling her eyes. "Doctor/Patient confidentiality? They can't ask shit."

"I don't think that's how it works, Max," I say, skeptical about the idea. "I just...I don't want to get anyone else in trouble." I glance at Cliff. "You're sweet for trying to help me but there's no reason for you to jeopardize your scholarship for me."

"I'll be fine." Cliff shrugs. "But the choice is yours, Kenny."

"Just think about it," Max suggests. "At least until tomorrow morning, okay?"

With a dull pain pulsing in my temples, I nod. "Fine, I'll think about it."

And I do. I think about it all for the rest of the day, going over all the possible outcomes, all the problems, all the people that are trying to help me. Oliver. Max. Cliff. God, I have amazing friends. I really do. They care about me, so much so they're willing to break laws, willing to lie, willing to do anything to help me. What kind of friend would I be if I let them do it? I can't. I won't.

No more lies. I'm going to tell the truth.

I just hope the truth is enough.

As soon as the administrative offices open in the morning, I grab Max's prescription bottles and head to Rothland's office. I'll just tell him the whole story. I'll make him listen. I'll make him look past his prejudices. I'm not leaving that office without Ollie getting reinstated.

I'm Kennedy fucking Carmichael, and I will be heard.

"Thank you, Chief Davis." Headmaster Rothland's voice booms through the halls as I turn the corner. "I'm sorry for this mix-up. I hope we haven't impeded your investigation." I stop a few yards away and hide behind the wall, peeking my head out and eavesdropping as Corrine and her dad exit Rothland's office. "Let me know if there's anything we can do to help."

"I appreciate the cooperation," Chief Davis states, shaking Rothland's hand. "Have a good day." When the door closes, he turns to his daughter. "This is the last time I'm doing something like this, understand? You're almost a goddamn adult, Corrine. Act like one!"

"I'm sorry, daddy," Corrine says, looking at her feet. "And thank you."

Chief Davis mumbles something under his breath and walks away. I slowly round the corner towards Corrine. "Hey," I say, eyeing her warily. "What was that?"

Corrine gestures down the hallway. "Not here."

I roll my eyes, following her away from Rothland's office. "I think we're far enough." We face each other. "So? What just happened?"

"I fixed it," she says, fiddling with her fingers. "I um...I fixed it."

"Fixed what?" I ask, crossing my arms. "What did you do?"

Corrine sighs, visibly uncomfortable. "Ollie can come back, okay? Ollie can come back and you can still go to Harvard."

"How?"

Corrine chews on her bottom lip. "I told my dad that I planted drugs on you when I was drunk."

My eyes widen. "What?!"

"Yeah," she swallows. "I told him that you pissed me off so I stashed Addy in your purse and that Oliver took the fall." She clears her throat. "Then I asked for help, to um...undo it."

I narrow my eyes. "Wha...how..." I shake my head. "I'm so confused."

"My dad told Rothland that Ollie was helping them investigate local dealers," she explains. "And that he was supposed to deliver the drugs to the precinct after the trip and tell them who's dealing."

I close my eyes, rubbing my temples. "Are they actually investigating dealers?"

"No, but-" she shrugs. "He bought it."

"So your dad, the Chief of police, just lied?" I reiterate.

"Yes."

"Holy shit," I breathe out. In relief? I'm not sure.

Is this how the world works? Just endless lies? Trickery? Corruption? People like Corrine's dad are supposed to uphold the law. Have integrity. Fucking morals. But I guess family overpowers duty sometimes. It's a broken system. It needs help.

"I'm sorry," Corrine whispers, drawing my attention.

"What?"

Her jaw twitches as her eyes gloss over. "I'm sorry, Kenny."

"For what?" I ask. "The list is long."

A tear rolls down her face. "For everything, okay?" She begins sobbing. "For fucking everything. I..." A hiccup. "I'm so sorry."

Everyone is messy.

And sometimes the mess seems too big to clean up alone.

But if you have people in your life that are willing to lend a hand, no mess is too big.

Or too old.

"I forgive you," I say, placing a hand on her heaving shoulders. "I forgive you, okay?"

"You do?" she weeps. "Really?"

"Yes," I say, reaching for my phone to call Ollie. "I'm tired of hating you. It's very exhausting."

She blinks through her tears. "I'm pretty easy to hate."

"Yeah," I agree. "But you can change that, you know."

"How?"

I shrug. "With a bucket and a mop."

She gives me a curious look. "What?"

"You'll figure it out," I say, dialing Ollie's number.

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gyah, I hope you guys liked this chapter and it wasn't too metaphor-y haha

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