I should've let you know, that you're my only one

I started down at the blade and bottle of pills in my hand. My brother was gone, I didn't know it was gonna happen so soon but he'd always had the ability to tell whenever something was going to happen.

The pain in my chest was was so harsh that day that I fell to the floor, there were so many shots. But for no reason. 

The pain was dull now and I always think to myself, always tell myself; I should've been with him the day it happened, but instead I stayed back.

He wanted me to stay back.

He knew.

 I replayed his live over and over.

"And If I die" I paused it and did a rewind.

"And if I die" Rewind

"If I die" Rewind

"I die"Rewind

"Die" Pause. 

My throat was raw from all the screaming, my eyes puffy and red from all the crying. It'd been about two weeks since the funeral. Nobody there knew that I was there except for my mom Cleo, Jahseh's girlfriend Jenesis, and my boyfriend of two years Stokeley Goulborne. 

I was the only person who stayed until the church closed and told me to leave cemetery property. I refused, holding on to the doors of Jahseh's mausoleum. They had to call mom to come and get me. She came with Stokeley and together they managed to pry me away from his grave. 

We drove home in silence and I barely got any sleep that night. I'd barely gotten any sleep on all the nights up until now. 

I walked into the bathroom and filled the tub with hot water. Suicide in the tub cliche of course. As it filled up I slowly stepped into it. The heat made my cold body feel tingly and I was tempted to pull my leg back out of the water but I didn't. I grabbed my phone from the edge of the tub to see that it was blown up with missed calls from mama, grandma, Stokeley and Jenesis. 

I sigh, going to my private playlist, filled with all my brothers music. 

I turn on my favorite song, an unreleased called Suicidal Thoughts.

Sever the mind

Wonder what you'll find within the souls divine.

I began to cry when I heard his voice. This was the last time I'd hear his voice until I made it to Heaven. Then I'd be with him again. 

Put'em on ice

Watch the nigga slip, think he will not suffice

Make'em idle all to be infamous

I brought the blade across my wrist, hissing at the familiar pain. I made one long deep cut across my left wrist and another on my right wrist.

"Time becomes a fucking rival

Basically battled the devil within himself" I rapped with my late brother. 

"He faced the fucking tidal wave

Hands moving all in my fucking face. I hate this place"

~Flash Back~

I pulled Jah by his shirt unto his tour bus. "God damn. I mean like, I love touring and doing music but these fuckin' paparazzi" He shouted as he plopped down on. I opened the door again, to flashing cameras and overlapping voices. 

"Shut the fuck up!" I shouted, to no avail. Somebody put their whole hand in my face "How does it feel to be related to a controversial rapper like extension" They shouted, pronouncing his name wrong and everything.

"First off, it's XXX Ten Ta Cion. He's not a fucking wire, dumbass. Second off, get your dirty ass hands out my face. All you mother fuckers smell like corn chips, sweat, and toes. You're harassing me, my brother, my boy friend and his girlfriend" I shouted.

"Wife" I heard Jah chime. 

I smiled. 

"Wife" I corrected. "If you don't mind we'd like to have a quiet night please" I said as I slowly closed to door. I plopped on the couch next to Jenesis and Stokeley plopped down beside me. 

"I hate this place" Jah and I muttered in unison. As we looked at eachother we all laughed

~End of Flashback~

The song changed as I struggled to open the pill bottle due to my shaking hands and tear blurred eyes. 

I've dug two graves for us my dear

Can't pretend that I was perfect, leaving you in fear

I let out a sob at the first line. Jah would always call me a "Deer" as in the animal, because he thought the affectionate word was weird since we were related.

Oh man, what a world the things I hear,

 If I could act on my revenge, then oh, would I?

I remember asking him when we were young

"Some kill, some steal, you broke my heart

and you though that I'd let you go; as of I'd let you rot

But broken hearts break stones.

I'll break them fast and I don't wanna let it go.

 So in our grave we'll rot"

I didn't bother looking at the number of pills I took. I just swallowed them down dry, coughing and rubbing my throat when they all made it down. When I felt like the water was high enough I sat up and turned it off, blood pulsing out of my wrists, I winced when my arm flexed to turn the nob before I layed back down in the water. 

Water sloshed off the side of the tub, over my phone, but the case was life proof so I didn't worry. Not that it'd bother me if it wasn't. All I wanted was to hear my brothers voice again. 

In my grave I'll rot

In my grave I'll rot

In my grave I'll rot

In my grave I'll rooooooooooooot

"In our grave we'll rot

we'll rot

We'll rot

We'll rot"

Is my pain your freedom?

Is all of my pain your freedom?

Enjoy.

At the end of the song my vision finally began to get blurry. My phone began buzzing "Pull up drop top minivan what the fuck? " That was Stokeley's ring tone. I tried to grab the phone but my arms were so heavy. My head lolled to the side and it was getting hard to keep my eyes open. Stokeley kept calling and calling, until I heard the house phone in our bedroom. 

My body was so heavy under the water, like I was stuck underneath it. I just kept sinking and sinking into the darkness. Until I felt the water on my lips, then going into my nose. The hot water burned my eyes. 

I tried to breath and I felt my lungs burn from the water sinking into them. My head started throbbing from the lack of oxygen as I heard the phone go to voice mail. "(Y/n) pick up your damn phone. Dammit! I'm fucking coming over" I opened my mouth to try and speak but nothing came out. 

I closed my eyes and just let myself sink. I let the water fill my lungs. My heart beat got slower and slower. 

I didn't worry.

I'm coming for you Jah.

When I opened my eyes I saw Jah above me, light coming from behind his back. I shielded my eyes from it. He spread his wings with a small, sad smile on his face.

He said.

I laughed as I flung my body into his, tears streaming down my cheeks as the smell of him invaded my senses. His arms wrapped around me, making me feel so warm but it was over all too quickly. 

He held me by my shoulders with a frown as he downcast his gaze from mine. 

I looked up at him.

"Jahseh? Aren't you happy to see me? " I asked, tears still streaming down me cheek. I couldn't believe he was really here.

He trailed off. 

I slowly stepped away from him, his hands fell from my shoulders and to his sides. 

"But what Jah" I asked as I sniffled. I knew what he was about to say and the tears of joy coming from my eyes was beginning to become a stream of sorrow. 

He says. The words that break my already shattered heart into a million smaller pieces. 

I shook my head as I backed away from him. He flew gently towards me and wrapped me in his arms. 

"Jahseh please, How am I gonna make it without you. You're the only one who understands me Jah. You know everything. Jahseh please. You know me and mom were never close Jah. You're the only one I had left. Why'd you leave me Jah? Please don't make me leave! Please Jah!" I sobbed into his chest and he just held me tight. 

He said gently as I continued to cry. I simply hugged him tighter. He pulled away and kissed my forehead,......Just like he used to when he was alive. 

He rubbed the tears off my face and I leaned into his hand. 

"Please Jah" I whispered as I looked up at him. He sighed.

He said as he flew away, through the Golden Gates of heaven

When he came back he wore a genuine smile on his face. I looked up at him. "What" I asked as he landed in front of me, opening his wings so the light from Heaven didn't hurt my eyes. 

He said with a smile as he pulled me in for a hug. I stepped back with my head down. "But I'll still never see you Jahseh" I said, feeling my tears come back. He lifted my head and wiped my eyes again. He said as he pulled me in for a hug again, I didn't resist and I cried some more into his chest.

When I pulled away he told me to close my eyes. I did as he said and I felt his lips on my forehead again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I opened my eyes to overlapping voices and bright fluorescent light that gave off a dull buzzing sound. I lifted my arm to shield my eyes but groaned as I felt the dull ache in my wrist.

"Oh my God baby" I heard Stokeley's voice and I turned my head to automatically feel his lips against mine. I was about to close my eyes before I saw something flit in the corner. 

I looked toward it but only caught a glimpse of brown eyes and white wings.