"the fear is real, the danger is not"

⋆✧⋆✧⋆

"Should we wake her up?" I hear Harper whisper.

"It's already 1:00 PM" Aspen backs up her question in a quiet tone.

"But she had a rough night last night, she probably needs this." Jemma's words remind me of the last 12 hours.

"If we don't wake her up right now she's not going to be able to fall back asleep tonight." Beth, Harper's girlfriend reasons.

"Why don't we just give her something to eat and drink and ask how she's feeling." Harper's words get louder as she tiptoes towards my bed.

I open my eyes slowly, bracing them for the bright light the sun is giving off.

"Did we wake you?" I watch Aspen's blonde curly hair bounce as she walks closer to me and sits down beside me.

"Sorta, but that's okay, I think I got enough sleep."

The girls look at me with worry and sympathy coating their faces

"I'm fine you guys, honestly." But my words don't lessen their concern.

I think back to what happened a couple hours after I fell asleep last night.

I wake up, my heart beating rapidly and my hands already shaking.

Crap.

I text my mom hoping for a response but I know she's probably fast asleep

My suspicions are made true when she doesn't text back within a couple minutes. Now my breathing is worse and my head is spinning, so I walk to Jemma's room.

"Jemma?" I whisper into the darkness.

"Are you okay, Dell?" Jemma wakes up and reaches over to turn her lamp on.

"Oh no." She mutters to herself and brings her hand up to wipe a tear off my cheek I didn't realize had fallen.

I try and talk, to explain what's going on, but no words come out. Luckily, my best friend of 16 years has been through this with me countless times.

"I need you to breathe with me, Delaney."

"One."

I take a deep breath in, trying my best to focus on her counting instead of the pit in my stomach.

"Two."

I cling on to her words like a life rope

"Three."

I don't even know if I'm breathing anymore, I can't feel my body.

"Four."

I try and remember it's all in my head. I'm okay. But it doesn't work.

"Five."

Despite her efforts, deep breaths aren't cutting it, and my tears flow harder than before.

I'm losing control.

I'm hyperventilating.

I'm shaking uncontrollably.

I can't even process why I feel like this. I was fine. 2 hours ago I was fine. Now, I'm anything but.

"C'mon Delaney. You can do this." Jemma holds down my arms, trying to get them to stop trembling.

"5 things you can see."

I look around her room. "A pillow, your jewelry, a laptop, clothes, a lamp."

"Good. Now 4 things you can feel."

"Your stuffed animals, this blanket, the table, your hands." I manage to get out.

"Keep going Delly, 3 things you can hear."

"Your voice, the wind, an airplane passing."

"Almost done, 2 things you can smell." Jemma's words become easier to focus on.

"The candle, fresh laundry." I start to gain control over my thoughts.

"1 thing you can taste."

I lick the water descending down my face, "My tears."

Jemma hugs me and I grasp onto the person who has sat through hundreds of nights like this.

"Do you want something to eat?" Beth offers, "I can make you some pancakes"

I smile. What did I do to get so lucky? These girls really are the best friends I could have ever asked for.

⋆✧⋆✧⋆

"I promise you guys, I'm okay," I say for the millionth time. "You guys need to go back to your dorms, you've been here all day with me."

We spent the day relaxing. I called my mom who was beyond worried about me, and Chase came over to check on me. But I'm fine now. I've gone through this more times than I care to admit.

I hug Harper, brushing her long red hair behind her ears, not missing the look of sadness written clearly across her face. Sometimes, I think my panic attacks worry the girls more than me, but when I remember why they care so much, my heart feels heavy.

They've all seen me in a pretty bad place. Let's just say the end of high school almost got too much for me to handle.

I manage to get my friends out the door, despite their protests, and Jemma gives my hand a quick squeeze.

I walk up to my room, feeling defeated. It's hard. To accept that this is your reality.

I need a distraction so I wander over to my shelf and pick up a book. Nothing like a romance novel to make you forget about your problems and ignore your loneliness.

Books have always been my escape.

I spend a few hours reading, lost in the pages, and I decide to text a certain someone about a new nickname.

Is all I leave him with.

A few minutes later, a question mark pops up on my phone.

I text, clearing up my identity.

I picture his confusion.

My own reply makes me grin.

Is all I get back.

Suddenly, I'm liking this little assignment he gave me.

He types.

So I go on, I'm loving this.

Wow, he's a short replier.

I explain.

His response makes me gag.

I quickly clear things up.

Before I get a chance to reply and ask what he means by that, another text pops up.

I answer, proud of my idea.

Is all I get back.

Jemma walks into my room, her blanket and pillow in hand.

"I'm going to sleep in your room tonight. Just so you're not alone." She gets out. "And before you object, this is for me, not you. I want to be in here."

Of course this is for me. She's worried about me, I can tell. But I'm not one to turn down a sleepover with my best friend, so I don't say anything.

Without saying anything, I pat the spot next to me, and she climbs onto the bed. I reach over to my night table, grabbing my laptop. I open it and pull up New Girl on Netflix. I pick our favourite episode, snuggling into the covers, feeling a sense of familiarity and comfort. Before I know it, I'm drifting off to the sound of Jess and Nick talking.

⋆✧⋆✧⋆

So this chapter was a little heavier than the previous few. If it triggered you or made you uncomfortable, this may not be the book for you as this won't be the last time a chapter talks about something similar. The last thing I want is for one of you to feel unsafe reading this.

Mental health check-in: How are you doing? You can write a word or vent, this is a safe space : )

I love you all! Thank you for the continued support. Stay safe and healthy