Only thing that has come out of this is I can happily smoke weed in the house like I used to, but no matter how high I get it can't fix how low I feel. Sometimes I just want to kick my own ass, bringing up the fact I used to think Mijo wasn't mine was stupid. Brielle is always going to remember I said that. Mijo is my pride and joy, it's my blood traveling through his veins. He belongs to me and nobody else, it's hard to shake somebody that's always at your pants leg looking up to you like you're a hero. When I'm the last person he should ever look up to. I'm trying so hard to be a better person, but something is always there to knock me down.

"Mijo, you being a good boy for mommy?"

Brielle doesn't talk to me over the phone, she barely texts me unless I text her first and only about Mijo. Only time I can feel her vibe now is when I Face Time with Mijo.

"Yes daddy, but I want to see you again."

"I want to see you too kid, but you have to wait I'll come see you soon."

"Daddy, I wanna come home!"

"I know, but you can't yet there was a monster in the house I have to get him out before you and mommy come back."

He smiled. "Okay, but hurry up!"

I smiled. "I'll get him as fast as I can, I have to go. Tell mommy for you to call me later."

"I love you daddy!"

"Love you too man!"

I don't know what I'm going to do, giving her space and time to think is the best option but I don't want her to fall in the arms of another man. I can't stand the thought of her with somebody else, I can feel her with someone. Brielle isn't the type to do things out of spite, but right now she's vulnerable and bound to fuck her feelings away like some girls. She can't do that to me, she needs to consider the fact that we could get back together before even thinking about another nigga.

"She not talking to you?"

"Yeah man it's been like three weeks now."

"I told you from the jump you should have told her."

"This is far from over though, I'm no where close to making up,"

"Let me ask you something, you really love her?"

"Yeah man."

"No, I mean really love?"

"Yeah!"

"What do you love about her so much then?"

"She's different, Brielle got her own sense of style and she carries herself like a woman so I don't have to worry about her doing some sneak shit out there. It took time for me to feel this way, I know what I feel is too good to waste."

"Does she know this?"

"Everyday of her life."

"You're in the room with Brielle and Beyonce, who you fucking?"

I laughed "You serious?"

"Dead ass, if you can't be honest and answer a simple question then you not serious about her."

I smiled. "It's Beyonce bruh! My mind tells me Beyonce but my heart says Brielle."

"Good, your mind is always going to second guess your heart. On some sentimental shit follow your heart . . When's the first time you realized you liked her?"

I laughed. "Honestly, when we took that trip to Spain and you were pressing up on her."

He laughed, "I knew your ass stole her from me! Alright, then when did you realize you wanted to be with her?"

"First time we had sex, when she went away to college and started talking to this dude, and when she was telling me how I should work through that Rihanna thing. But basically when I made that video when I was drunk that was real shit right there."

"Damn nigga, pick one. That was a test, so basically Mijo has nothing to do with it?

"He added to it but no not really, if I wanted to leave I would've left. A baby is going to keep me tie down."

"Do you think she stuck around for him?"

"No, she's in it for the relationship. I know how she feels about me, she got too mad when Ri gave me a friendly kiss that night at the studio. Sometimes she'll say something like you're hurting Mijo in the end he's the one you need to apologize to, but really that's a cover up because she won't for some reason admit she's hurt or sad or unhappy and she refuses to cry in front of me."

"She wants to maintain the hard exterior, you need to penetrate through that on some occasions. Even if it makes her mad because that's the only time she'll admit the words she doesn't want to say. Brielle is like afraid bringing herself down to that level, because she's afraid to open herself up to get hurt and look weak. You make her feel that damn good that she has to play hard so you won't hurt her."

"How the fuck do you come up with this shit?"

He laughed, "I'm good with women."

"A nigga that's good with women but doesn't have one of his own, ain't that some shit."

- Good Morning Beautiful, try to smile for me today .

- I think I can do that, thank you (:

I never had a guy text me something sweet in morning, I see why girls like the little things like this. I took off work today cause I just wasn't in mood to deal with anybody. I just wanted time to myself today so I took care of Brielle, it feels so good when I get my hair done it's like every month or so I'm cutting away an unwanted piece of me. But I still feel not myself, nothing can bring you back like a new pair of shoes but getting Jordans isn't the same anymore without clowning with Chris about getting matching shoes. I switched to heels, when I came out the store people were taking pictures of me. I didn't think they would know who I was without Chris, but I was wrong this is too much right just leave me the fuck alone.

- Are you busy, please tell me your about to go on your lunch break ?

- In an hour, why what's up ?

- I just want to talk to somebody I know . I'm not feeling too good right now :/

- Meet me on 45th Maxwell Ave outside the Dunkin Donuts

My mind is in disarray I just need something to clear this shit out, I need a strong ass drink.

"Two regulars Tony!" Ryan said buying us a hot dog.

"Thank you," I smiled as we sat under a tree and ate. "So what do you do?"

"I work in that building over there, it's the biggest law firm of the city."

"That's great, you doing good for a single father."

He smiled, "Thank you!"

"What are you doing tonight?"

"Probably nothing, why?"

"Cause man I just want to go out, I need some time to just have fun I need a drink." I smiled.

He laughed. "Alright , I'll take you where ever you want."

I smiled pointing my finger up at him "It's not a date!"

He smirked. "Don't worry, I won't make you fall for me yet."

I laughed. "Why do I have to fall for you, why can't you fall for me?"

'Doesn't work that way, besides I tend to have that effect on women." He smirked.

"Well your charms ain't working on this one," I laughed.

He smiled, "What time do you want me to pick you up tonight?"

"Around, 8 maybe. Here's my street you can find me on, I don't need you riding by my family house. I don't care where you take me just as long as it serves alcohol." I laughed texting him a different street than my own.

"I need to get back to work, I'll see you then."

I sighed. "Alright, see you."

I would be going out with Chyna instead but she just happen to leave the damn country with Michael and King to Italy, I'm going through this shit without any girl friends to vent to. I can't say too much to Ryan cause I don't want him to get annoyed or bored of me. I gave a Mijo a kiss on the cheek as I left him home with my parents. Ryan picked me up like I asked on the other street. I didn't think it was appropriate for him to come in and wait, there is no need for my parents to meet him and I don't want Mijo to see me with him like this. For all I know he could be a stalker, passing by my real house different times of the night.

"Damn, you look beautiful." He smiled as we drove off.

"Thanks!" I smiled, "Where we heading to?"

"I would love to take you dancing, maybe hear a little spoken word but we're going to a club ."

"It doesn't matter where we go, just as long as I have alcohol flowing in my system. And I'm not trying to make myself sound like a drunk but you just don't understand, I haven't had a drink in a minute." I smiled.

He laughed, "It's all good, do you. I ain't judging, you in good hands tonight!"

Ryan was pulling up to this club Chris and I used to go together. "NO, don't go there please take me anywhere but there." I shouted.

"Why, what's the matter with that club?"

"It's too packed, I hate that place just take me anywhere but there."

"Don't want to run the risk of bumping into him, huh?" He smirked looking over at him.

I smiled slightly as I looked out the window. "Something like that, you must think I'm crazy."

"Nah, I understand completely."

Ryan and I ended up going to this lowkey place downtown, it was really nice it was my type of setting it was very artsy. Long as it had a bar I was happy, Ryan and I sat at this table downing drinks while he paid for all my alcoholic Pina Colada and Long Island Ice Teas and his drinks too!

"You wanna dance?" He asked as Jodeci's Feenin' came on.

I was feeling really nice by then, but I was still aware of my actions. "Sure." I smiled as he grabbed me by my hand to rise me out my seat.

Ryan wrapped his hands around my lower back to the point where his hands were practically sitting on my ass, I wrapped my arms around his neck as we looked into each other's eyes. I rested my head on his shoulder inhaling his cologne, it sent chills down my spine. He gripped tighter around me as I lifted my head up to look at him again, I smiled as he smiled at me. I could feel he was about to kiss me. I feel bad that I wanted to kiss him back but I couldn't let it happen, right as his head started to lean towards mine I rested my head back on his shoulder. I feel bad that I had to swerve on that ass, I would have kissed him but I can't in public with everyone in my business and especially with the way I'm feeling right now it's just not the right time. Time to go.

Having a kid makes everything hard when you're in a relationship and twice has hard when the love seems like it's gone. I can try all I can to hide my expressions and feelings around him but he can sense something is wrong. Everytime I allow him to talk to Chris through Face Time I can hear the saddnes in his voice when he asks him why his daddy hasn't come to see him yet. I feel bad when I have to make Mijo say goodbye because the tone of his voice dips even lower then. I'm not trying to take Chris away from him but once he threw away my trust he threw away Mijo's as well, I just need to give it some time before I feel comfortable with Mijo being around him. What he said in front of him was fucked up. I wasn't keeping in contact with Chris so I guess he had to send in the big guns, his Mother came over my house with a toy for Mijo .

"Nana I miss you! Did daddy come too?" He asked in excitement.

"No baby, he's working."

"Oh, do you know when it's over?" He said dipping into a melancholy tone.

"You know your daddy, he like to work, work, work all night so I don't know boo boo." Sh said.

"Mijo, go show Nana your new toy." I commanded as I waited for him to run around the corner of the living room.

"Brielle, you can't keep Mijo from Chris it's not right and the both of them are hurting from it."

"Ms. Hawkins I'm not trying to keep Mijo away from his father, Chris talks to Mijo almost every day. But with all do respect I don't feel comfortable with Mijo being around Chris after what he said about him and has done to me, I don't have a problem with Mijo being with him but I just don't want him to be around any other woman. That's so distasteful and disrespectful, if you're spending time with your son it should be you and him."

"I understand he is your son, but he's my grandson."

"You can see him anytime you like, it's just Chris. We'll work out something soon, but for right now I don't want to be bothered with him."

She sighed. "You and Chris are exactly the same, it makes since why he loves you so much. I'm not saying this because he's my son but he does love you sweetie, now that's y'all business whether he shows you or not but from before this happen whenever he would drop Mijo off to me he would tell me things you've done over the week boy doesn't shut up sometimes. Chris and I talked for hours about what he's done, I could hear the pain pouring out of him you have to listen and understand his side. As a woman I wouldn't excuse what he's done but sometimes you need to step outside that boundary and really analyze the situation. All the females he's dealt with I like you the most, you don't take no shit and you have his best interest at heart, don't give up just yet."

I tried not to get emotional. "You have an idiot for a son but I love him, but I'm not going to give in like that things have to be on my term now and honestly I don't think there will be a chance we will ever get together again. I hear what your saying, I don't know the entire story yet but at this point it means nothing to me. Chris neglected to be honest with me not once, but twice!"

"Like I said baby, analyze the situation and really think about what he's told you. Do you honestly think he would lie to you anymore aside from the text messages just to get you back? You know how these women are out here, they'll do anything to be in your shoes . I'm not saying this cause he's my baby but I believe him, Chris wouldn't lie like this, I damn sure didn't teach him to treat women like this so I would really think about everything."

I sighed. "Mijo, come here."

"Yes mommy?" He questioned scurrying back over to us.

"You want to see your daddy today ?" I said bending down to his level.

"Oh yes mommy please!" He said with such excitement, his whole face lit up.

I smiled. "Okay Nana is going to take you to see him." I said putting his shoes on. "You be a good boy okay and when you come back make sure you tell me everything you and daddy did together."

"Nana, can I spend the night with you after?" Mijo turned to Chris's mom and asked

Mijo is smarter than you think, he knows how to pull a fast one. By saying if he can spend the night he knows Chris's mom is going to just have him stay the night with Chris, you got to give this boy credit.

"I don't know boo boo, you have to ask your mommy."

I sighed "Sure baby, if you want to leave me all by myself."

"Oh thank you mommy," he smiled giving me a kiss on the cheek.

I laughed. "Alright, let me get your clothes first."

"Thank you!" His mother said as I came back down with Mijo's batman backpack.

"Just please make sure Chris doesn't have him around anybody else please!" I said before she left.0:-.

"I promise, he won't I'll make sure of it ."

I didn't want to let him go, that was really hard for me but I couldn't keep him away any longer. Maybe now I won't have to feel bad for seeing Mijo unhappy in this situation. If Chris knows better I'm sure he won't fuck up my rules, after an hour Mijo left Chris text me saying thank you for letting him come over. I really didn't want to talk but I wanted to make sure he had the memo for next time I let Mijo come over so I told him the same thing I told his mother, no females around my son or your completely done. He told me a time he'll bring him back and I was find with that, I took a shower and got out to see I had a text message but it wasn't from Chris.

- Brielle I'm sorry to bother you but it's an emergency, Kataleah ran away and I don't have anybody else to turn to . I'm sorry to spring this on you but I was wondering if you could come over

- I'll be over in a second, I'm on my way .

Ryan and I spent all day around his neighborhood looking his for his daughter, people in the neighborhood gather to form their own search parties with police.

"Ryan, I'm sure she'll turn up soon."

We had just made it back to his house around 10 o' clock, this was an all day search and we had nothing till Ryan got a call from his mother.

"Is everything okay?" I asked once he hung up.

"She's fine, she ran across town to my mother's house." He said relieved as we sat on the couch together.

"Is there a reason why she would suddenly run away like this?"

"That girl is just like her mother, she think she's grown. We had our usual argument, Kataleah moms wants nothing to do with her. We were together all through high school and she got pregnant senior year, I went off to college and she tried to maintain too but she couldn't do it. Kataleah is lucky to even be here and healthy with no deformities, I found out she was using some narcotic when she was carrying her. She got her wires crossed between trying to be a mom and being young, when Kataleah was born I took her to court and got full custody. Last time I seen her she was begging for money and looked Kataleah in her eyes and didn't acknowledge her little girl, Kataleah stepped up to her like she's been around forever and hugged her. I'm surprised Kataleah still remembers this she was only two, she asked her when she was coming back and her mom told her she'll be back soon. Ever since then that's all I ever from her, when am I going to see my mommy she said she was coming back, when is she coming back daddy? Can't tell her the truth."

"I don't know what it's like but I'm close to it, it'll get better before it gets any worse. Kataleah just needs to go through this phase and when the time come she needs to know the truth, mommy isn't coming back."

"How do you do it though, it's not easy?"

"No one said it would be easy, but you just need find the right time to break it to her. Not now through, she's too young to hear it."

"Today she told me she hated me, I'm sure it wouldn't make a difference if I did it now or later." He chuckled.

"Don't say that, she's a little kid Ryan she hates you one minute loves you another it's what they do. Wait till she's older, like around fifteen by then she might be old enough to understand and most likely block her mother out of her mind. Just be truthful then and be there for her, it'll work out in the end." I said leaning closer to him.

"I hope so," he said laying his head on top of mine.

I moved myself so I could look him in the eyes "No, it will ."

I shouldn't have but I imagined myself leaning in slowly kissing him, I imagined my face as the way my body shook as he placed his hand on my cheek. I imagined the urge of saying Chris's name but it wasn't Chris, I imagined myself pushing him off just to mount back on top of his lap. As the kissed deepened so did his hands as I felt them sliding in my pants, once I took of my shirt I imagined him kissing my collar bone I felt his hands gliding up my back to unhook my bra as I tilted my head back.

"I don't want you to regret this, you should think about this for a second." He said.

Instantly I realized I wasn't imagining, this shit was happening for real "I'm sorry, I'm so damn embarrassed."

"Don't be, I want you bad. But I know that if we go in the room, you're going to come out feeling like you committed a murder."

"I didn't want anything to come out this, I was just in the moment I didn't realize I was doing it." I said shaking my head, I just want this shit to be over!