i wanna be loved,

i don't wanna be l o n e l y

〰️〰️〰️

Four months ago, if anyone told me I'd be planning a wedding with Sutton that wasn't her own, but in fact mine, I'd think they were off their fucking rocker. And if they told me my sister would willingly help me plan my wedding and pay my rent, I'd think she was off her rocker.

I guess I was the one off my rocker because all of that was true, whether I believed it or not.

It was happening faster than I could keep up with. The second my sister heard go, she was in a full-sprint twenty yards ahead of me and I was still tying my shoelaces at the starting line. Time was precious with Sutton; every minute meant something and if you weren't taking advantage of it, you were already losing. The girl could probably restructure the solar system in sixty seconds if she wanted to.

I left her house with a loose outline for a party that she so appropriately dubbed "A Monahan-d in Marriage", a stomach full of Kalua Pig, and a headache. I wouldn't have expected anything else.

I let myself savor the silence that greeted me when I got into Gus' car at the end of the day, sinking back onto the headrest and shutting my eyes. Sutton and I were in a good place, but it didn't mean she was any less exhausting to be around. No amount of gloom and doom could keep her down. She was just as overbearing as she'd always been, if not more so.

Since I had a lengthy drive ahead of me and I couldn't remember the last time I checked my phone, I scrolled through my notifications before I started up the car. My eyebrows furrowed when I saw that they were all from a handful of apps – no texts, no missed calls. Gus had answered me when I told him I made it to Sutton's nearly eight hours ago. I found it especially weird that Collin hadn't replied to me all day either.

Panic started to rise, twining around me like wild ivy vines. I didn't want to assume the worst, but it was instinctive. It was how I'd always been and when it came to two of the most essential people in my life, no assumption was too dramatic.

Sometimes I swore we had the same brain because as I opened my favorites list, a text from Collin popped up at the top of my screen. He claimed that he just saw my messages. I clicked on his name to call him instead, and he answered within one ring.

"Since when did you stop answering your phone?" I ignored using pleasantries and went straight to the issue at hand.

"Sorry," he said breathlessly. "I was out shooting for most of the day with Jax and then we met up with Seb. He brought Abe over to check out the house and our lease. Believe it or not, I do have a life outside of you."

While I was relieved to hear that Collin's hunt for a third roommate to replace Seb was coming to an end, his closing retort had me scoffing. "Excuse me for being concerned. I hadn't heard from you or Gus in hours. I thought you both died or something."

"Well, I don't keep tabs on your husband so I don't know what he's up to. I'm very much alive, on the other hand."

"Great." I put my phone on speaker and fastened it into the mount on the dash so I could keep talking to Collin while driving. The ride home wasn't looking any better if I kept delaying it, so I started up the car and rolled down the street. "Anyway, I'm leaving Sutton's now so I should be back in Philly by eight. Do you wanna go out when I get home?"

"Hell yeah."

"Perfect. I'd love to be drunk tonight."

He snickered at my response. "Was it that bad with Sutton?"

I slowed up at the stop sign near the end of the exit driveway for my sister's development. Sighing, I looked both ways before hanging a left and said, "Actually, no. It started off a little rough, but we talked about a lot of shit. I'll tell you more when I see you."

I was surprised at how I kept my cool considering how badly I wanted to ask if he would be the honorary photographer at my wedding. Gus and I still had a lot to discuss regarding the party – like the fact that we were definitely having one now and my sister was helping me plan it. Though I was positive we both knew Collin was the one and only person we would trust with such an important task.

Somehow, I resisted the urge to let my excitement get the best of me. I wanted to see Collin's face when I told him.

"I guess as long as she didn't wipe the floor with your ass, that's good," Collin said, drawing me out of my brief wedding daydream.

As I navigated my way through barren Maryland farms and ranches, another genius idea hit me. I was so chockfull of them throughout the day that it was almost disconcerting.

In a combination of teasing and persuasion, I started with, "Hey, you know what would be cool? If you invited Fallon to hang out with us tonight." I gave him a moment to mull over the words, and when all I heard was an uneasy hum, I went on. "You've been with this girl for three months and I still haven't met her, Coll. She's miraculously busy every time I ask you to bring her around. Even though she'll probably be disappointed when she meets me, I still would like for that to happen. It's up to you though. I'm just saying, it could be fun."

"I know," he grumbled, and I could picture him scrubbing his hands over his face.

I wasn't trying to bully him into inviting her. Knowing each and every one of Collin's insecurities and how guarded he was, I'd never do that. All I did was spot an opportunity to throw my line out; whether he took the bait or not was his choice.

Which was why a few seconds later, I was stunned when I heard him say, "Okay, fine."

"Fine, what?"

"I'll ask what she's up to and maybe she can meet us later," he clarified, his voice low and timid.

I gasped unintentionally, then took a page out of Sutton's book and started babbling. "Really? Collin, holy shit. I can see what Gus is doing and bring him along. This could be like our first double date ever. For as long as we've been friends, we've never done this!"

"Listen, I'm not making any promises. She might miraculously be busy."

"I don't care," I sang, ignoring the way he mocked me because I was too fired up. I spied the sign that said I was approaching the turnoff for the highway, figuring this would be the best time to end our call so Collin could prepare himself. Before he could change his mind, I blurted in one breath, "I'll call you when I get home I love you bye!"

He started to say something, but I hung up first. There was no way it could have upstaged the potential idea of meeting Fallon in a couple of hours.

There weren't too many other people on the road for a Saturday night, and I found myself getting home a little faster than I thought I would. Maybe I was a little too eager to meet this girl, but then again, I tended to have a lead foot when it came to driving. If Gus was with me, I knew he'd be giving me hell for the way I drove his car.

He wasn't with me though, so I let my inner speed demon come to life and was back at my apartment a whole twenty minutes in advance.

Gus was standing at the island in the kitchen, searching for something in his work backpack when I flung the door open. His head jerked up and he stopped poking through his bag immediately.

"I'm home!" I belted, and Ziggy came hurtling towards me at the sound of my voice like a black and white dotted comet, yapping excitedly.

"That was quick," Gus commented, about my drive home rather than the trip in itself, I assumed.

"Yeah, there was barely any traffic," I said, shutting the door behind me with a laugh while watching Ziggy do circles around our island. "Does somebody have the zoomies?"

Gus snorted to himself and shook his head. "He's been a wreck all day. Must've really missed you."

I strolled over to him, letting my wandering eyes fall to his work bag as he zipped it shut. The pull of his gaze was too strong, and my head tilted upwards until I met those two sapphire pools I would swim in forever if I could.

"And did you miss me?" I asked, letting a coy smile slip through.

"So much, it hurt," he murmured.

I leaned up to peck his lips, and his eyes were searching mine when I pulled away. "If you missed me that much, what'd you do all day? Lie around here in agony and wait for my return?"

"I was with Dean. Why?"

"Just wondering why I didn't hear from you," I said, shrugging a shoulder. He raised an eyebrow in suspicion and I jutted my chin out, gesturing to his backpack. "What's in the bag?"

"What's with the interrogation?" He let out an exasperated chuckle. "I don't remember you being this clingy before we got married."

He was kidding, but he wasn't wrong. Usually, the roles were switched. Gus was the snooper and I was the amateur liar. Those qualities weren't our strong suits, but he had the killer sharp wit to keep him going. All I had was the secret-keeping abilities of a Chatty Cathy doll – pull the string on my back and out came the word vomit.

Gus wasn't necessarily a better liar, but he was convincing if anything.

"You didn't answer me."

"They're my client's documents that you legally can't look at. Next question, please," he said, his tone oozing complacency that met the smirk on his face.

I huffed. Case closed.

Shaking my head, I changed the subject. "Do you wanna go out tonight and maybe meet Collin's 'girlfriend'?" His gloating grin faded, a softer look of respect replacing it. I added on, "He said he'd ask her if she's not busy. I was thinking we could go to Cruiser's and make it a super casual double date."

"Sounds good to me. Just don't do anything weird that might scare her away."

My jaw dropped in offense and he laughed. Before I could argue, he shut me up with a kiss that Ziggy put a stop to by jamming himself between us, reminding me of how much I fucking loved my little family.

〰️〰️〰️

With the amount of butterflies in my stomach that took flight when we got to Cruiser's, it almost felt like Fallon was my girlfriend. Honestly, I didn't know what my reaction would be to her. Whatever it'd be, I had to remind myself to keep it together for Collin's sake, who was the definition of a nervous wreck.

Fallon was coming after she wrapped things up at a photoshoot, so the three of us scored a hightop table in the front half of the bar. An hour had gone by without her presence. Gus and I had taken two stools next to one another, but Collin was practically shaking in his boots, so he chose to stand. The entire time.

His hands were in his disheveled golden locks more so than they were around his drink. If he actually sat and enjoyed his Old Fashioned, he would've been a lot more mellow. Instead, it sat untouched at his place setting, across from my empty glass that previously had the same cocktail in it.

"Collin, chill. You're driving me insane," I urged after he sighed for the thirtieth time.

Gus put down the beer he'd been nursing to say, "You have nothing to be nervous about. We're the two least threatening people anyone could ever meet."

"I know, I just–" Collin spluttered, but his phone stole his attention and he never finished his thought. He looked at it, typed something out, then sent me a panic-stricken glance. "She's here."

"Oh my God!" I squealed without warning.

Collin's hazel eyes flickered with a hundred emotions behind his wayfarers as he hissed, "Don't be weird."

"I won't," I promised.

"Bayla, I mean it."

I glared at him indignantly, and Gus next to me was cracking up. Collin shook his head and mumbled something about going to get her, then he weaved his way through the crowd until I couldn't see him anymore.

It wasn't that far of a distance from where we sat to the front door, but it was just enough time for me to get my shit together. The butterflies in my stomach must have been on drugs because now I was just as outwardly neurotic as Collin. I shrugged my leather jacket off and fanned myself in the hopes that Fallon's first impression of me wouldn't be that I was a blonde sweaty pig.

This was the moment of truth. I was about to meet the girl who had done the impossible; she snatched the untouchable heart that belonged to the boy made of gold. The boy who would lock himself up at the slightest sign of intimacy. The boy who was the sole hero of his own story, the one he wouldn't let anyone else be a part of.

All bets were off when I saw that very boy come waltzing towards us with a girl so graceful she was practically floating, and a smile so blinding I had to do a double-take.

I was stupefied. Speechless. A gawking moron. My focus couldn't stay in one place, bouncing from one facet to the next from her head down to her toes.

Lush dark waves fell down her shoulders like chocolate syrup, framing her bronzed face that had the prettiest blanket of freckles spanning every inch of it. Her lanky arms were a patchwork of tiny tattoos, ranging from handwritten words to minimalistic symbols that had me dying to know the meaning behind them all. Her leather pants looked like they were sprayed on her slender legs that stretched for miles, accentuated by the platform on her Dr. Martens. I didn't fail to notice that Collin was wearing his Doc's too.

A voice brought me out of my trance with the space of tan skin that peeked out below the raw hem of her baggy cropped t-shirt. Her stomach was so toned, I wanted to get on the grungy floor to do crunches right then and there.

Collin cleared his throat. "So guys, this is Fallon," he said, struggling to control his voice as his nerves ate him alive. "This is my best friend, Bayla, and her husband, Gus."

Fallon's big bright eyes latched onto me, dimples popping out in both of her cheeks. The chunky gold ring that glimmered in the septum of her nose followed her grin as she exclaimed, "It's so good to finally meet you!"

I didn't even get a single word out and she enveloped me in a hug, her heady perfume filling my nostrils.

"You too," I giggled like a love-struck fangirl.

"I can't even believe this," she said, pulling away and letting her eyes graze over me. "I've heard so much about you and I've seen so many pictures. Collin really gets some dope shots of you."

"Oh God, he showed you?" I cringed, only half-kidding.

She waved it off. "I made him. I wanted to see his whole archive. He's so fucking talented and he always underestimates himself."

"I know!"

I glanced at Collin standing next to her who looked like he wanted to shrivel up and disappear. It was the polar opposite of Fallon who was gushing with good vibes from every pore. Maybe that was why I physically couldn't stop smiling, or maybe it was because I'd never seen my best friend this way with a girl.

"I'm so happy I could come tonight, this hangout is so overdue. Before we get into it, I'm gonna grab a drink. Anybody need a refill?" Fallon asked as she perused our table, and my vacant glass caught her eye.

"I'll go get it," Collin chimed in. His offer had her shaking her head.

"It's fine. Let me treat your friends," she said in a tone so sweet, it'd give a dentist a cavity.

She waited for someone to order, but I was too transfixed with her to speak, so Gus jumped in for me. "Get me the most expensive whiskey they have."

"Got it," she grinned without missing a beat.

I rolled my eyes at Gus' wisecrack choice, knowing damn well that I was the whiskey buff out of the two of us. "Ignore him. Just get him a bottle of Fat Tire, and I'll do an Old Fashioned if that's alright," I told her.

"Totally!" She insisted before turning to Collin. "You need anything, babe?"

My heart fluttered in my chest as if she was talking to me.

"Nah, I'm good," he assured her. Not even the dark lighting of the bar could hide his rosy cheeks.

With another radiant smile, Fallon squeezed his bicep, and then she was gone. It wasn't even three seconds before I said what we were all thinking.

"Babe?"

"She calls everybody that," Collin mumbled, causing Gus and I both to laugh.

"Uh-huh, sure she does," I cooed, and his blush deepened. I quit the teasing then and came right out with a firm conclusion. "I love her."

Collin blinked in surprise. "You do?"

"Of course! She's fucking gorgeous, she gives off such a good vibe, and she's already buying us drinks. What more could you ask for?" I listed the reasons on my fingers, baffled that Collin would even doubt my feelings. Gus beside me hummed and lifted his empty beer bottle in agreement.

"I don't know." He shrugged as he tousled his hair around again. "Sometimes I can't even believe she still wants to hang out with me."

"Collin," I frowned in a warning tone because I knew exactly where this was going.

He let out an aggravated sigh that struck me in my gut. "Seriously though. She's like this..." he struggled to gather his thoughts, peering up at the ceiling for an answer. "Beautiful, incredible, smart girl who could literally get any guy she ever wanted, and I'm just a college dropout who barely scrapes together enough rent money each month. I don't get it."

"What do I always tell you, Coll?" I asked, pushing aside his self-deprecation and canceling his pity party. He refused to look at me; he already knew the answer. "You're a fucking prize. I know it, and she definitely knows it. I know you're scared because this is so new to you, and you're allowed to be, but don't let it hold you back. If she really likes you – and it seems like she does – none of the shit that you worry about is gonna matter. She'll like you for you. Stop questioning it and just embrace it."

His eyes lifted until they met mine, his lips twitching in amusement. "You know you're corny as hell, right?"

"Fine, I'm done giving advice," I spat as I threw my hands up in defeat. "I'm going back to my old bitchy self. Do whatever you want."

Gus snorted, knowing that wasn't possible because I was still, and always would be, a bitch – the only difference now was that I was a happy bitch.

Collin chuckled at my dramatics. "I'm just messing with you. You're right, I gotta stop second-guessing it. I just need a kick in the head every now and then to keep me in line."

"I think we all do," I muttered, then I shifted into a more cheery tone. "But yeah she's great, and if you wanna bring her to our real wedding this summer, you're more than welcome to."

His mouth fell open and his eyes almost touched his glasses from how far they shot out. "Wait, what?"

I nodded in confirmation. "It's happening. Sutton started helping me plan it today, but there was one thing I didn't let her have a say in..." I trailed off cryptically.

Collin's raised brows told me he didn't comprehend what I meant. I glanced at Gus since we talked about it before we left our apartment to come here, and he gave me a nod of approval. I couldn't fight my grin anymore as I asked, "You wanna be the photographer?"

"Are you serious?" Collin choked out, looking between Gus and me like it was a joke and he couldn't find the punchline. When I nodded again, he stammered through an answer. "I-I... you... fuck. Yes. Fuck yes. I-I'll do it for free. I'll do whatever you want. I'll go–"

"A simple yes would've been fine," I interrupted his rambling with a laugh.