if you try sometimes,

you just might find

you get what you n e e d

〰️〰️〰️

For the short amount of time that I had known Dr. Wayne Holtz, I learned a lot about him. If he wasn't in the office or at home in his beautiful brownstone, you could find him at the city's most popular dog park with his husband and Gouda, their Teacup Yorkie. He considered arranging cheese boards a hobby, which was where most of his money went and also served as the inspiration behind his puppy's name. He was a huge fan of honesty and confrontation.

Two weeks after my dad's catastrophic ceremony when I found myself on Sutton's doorstep, I knew Wayne would be proud of me.

It wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend my Saturday. The weather was some of the nicest I'd seen since Hawaii, making me itch to go back to my grimy city and soak in the sunshine. Preferably at a restaurant with outdoor seating, a broad cocktail list, my man, and my dog.

But no, I had to be a good person who understood how important communication was and could no longer hold grudges. Therefore, I took Gus' car for the day and made the trip to Sutton's alone for some much needed confrontation.

She lived in a housing development worthy of being on a postcard. The trees that lined her cul-de-sac were in full bloom, the sun shining down on every green grass-covered lawn. Kids were playing outside everywhere you looked, the only things that mattered to them were sidewalk chalk and baseball catches. Neighbors chatted from one yard to the other over their white picket fences. It practically screamed Life is Perfect!

Maybe for my sister, it was, but Kingsbridge Commons was not my cup of tea. Even the name made me feel unwelcomed. As much as I picked on my hometown for being painfully suburban, Sutton's place put Clearloft to shame.

I hadn't been to her house in months, maybe even a year. Probably for some pre-wedding function, if I had to guess. It was still as I remembered – like it belonged on the cover of Good Housekeeping. Spotless gray siding, a roomy porch with just the right amount of furniture, and a front door the same shade of yellow as the dandelions in the garden.

Whoever took care of the garden stumped me. It had to have been Koa because the closest my sister got to having a "green thumb" was spending money.

I thought I would be a lot more stressed to confront Sutton. The kind of stress that would have me hiding in the car until I second-guessed the whole idea and just drove back home. I guess I really had changed more than I thought because I didn't waste any time parking at the curb, marching up the walkway, and jabbing the doorbell with my index finger.

It didn't take ten seconds for someone to answer. I came face-to-face with Koa, whose grin radiated more light than the color of the sunny front door he just swung open. He was clad in board shorts and a tie-dye t-shirt which I swore were the only two kinds of clothing he owned. Sutton never even dared to wear tie-dye before she met him; now it occupied a third of her wardrobe.

"Bayla, hey!" He cheered. "Howzit?"

I couldn't understand how someone's energy could be so contagious, but his greeting had a smile on my face before I knew it. Still, I found myself shrugging a shoulder. "Okay, I guess."

He wasn't pleased with that response. His lips pursed and he silently beckoned me towards him, circling his arms around me until my face was smashed up against his chest.

"It's all love," he mumbled. It was something he often said in place of "it's okay", and it was the sweetest damn thing.

Once we pulled out of our embrace, he led me inside the foyer and shut the door. On the wall behind him, I spotted a few framed photos from their wedding, tastefully arranged and honestly breathtaking to look at. The two of them walking hand-in-hand on the beach during the sunset, gazing into each other's eyes at the altar, and a candid shot of our entire family caught laughing when we should have been posing for the photographer.

It was the money shot. Between Koa's side of the family and ours, it was so on-brand.

"What are you guys up to today?" I asked after I tore my eyes away from the pictures. "Did I interrupt anything?"

"Not at all. I've been trying to make my own Kalua Pig all morning," he said casually. For the last five or so years that I'd known Koa, I could catch onto his Hawaiian terminology and slang pretty well. Other times, it just completely stumped me. At my vacant expression, he explained, "It's like Hawaiian pulled pork. It's so 'ono, you should stay and try it if it comes out! But I do know why you're here and don't let me distract you. I'm locking myself in the kitchen so it'll be like I'm not even in the house. This is between you two as sisters and I don't wanna get involved."

With a shake of my head, I chuckled, "What did Sutton do to deserve you?"

He just sent me a knowing smile and jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "She's in the living room. She might not act like it, but she'll be happy to see you."

That was my cue. I sucked in a deep breath to stabilize myself because I wasn't about to let this be a repeat of two weeks ago. Regardless of what Sutton had to say, I was leaving her house with no regrets. I came to talk, to clear the air, and to hash things out until we came to some sort of middle ground.

Koa disappeared into the kitchen just like he said he would, so I wandered down the hall to the back of their house where the living room was, passing more portraits of the Makana's, their friends, and their family. Seeing myself in a number of those snapshots reassured me that I was doing the right thing by being here.

The first thing I saw was a young Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore on the flat-screen TV against the wall, and I automatically knew Sutton was watching 50 First Dates. It was her feel-good movie, the one she always resorted to whenever she was beside herself. When I rounded the gray suede couch and took in her appearance, I hardly recognized her.

A tattered, oversized sweatshirt swallowed her willowy figure, her arms were clutching her legging-clad limbs, and her sandy locks lacked their natural wave and shine. Her sunken eyes were dead set on the movie, not even sparing me a glance to show me how irritated she was with my presence. No amount of makeup could hide her pasty complexion or dark circles.

Part of me – a very small part – ached to see her this way. This wasn't Sutton. This wasn't my enigmatic sister whose vibrant soul outshined anyone that stood within a mile of her. This was misery personified.

"Hi," I said feebly when I realized she wasn't going to acknowledge me, even though I was standing smack dab in the middle of her living room.

I didn't waste my hopes on her answering me, but she did finally look at me. It was a fleeting, empty glance.

"I know I'm probably the last person you wanna see, but that's too bad," I sighed, approaching the couch with caution and lowering myself into the cushions as far away from her as I could be. I kept peeking at her sideways to see if she was paying any attention to me.

Again, I got nothing on her end.

I unleashed a gust of breath that disturbed the flyaway hairs framing my face. "I wanted to come here to apologize and talk this out with you like adults. I'm not looking for another argument because I know we can both be better than that," I told her, and suddenly I felt like my mother for not wanting to waste any more time.

She still kept her mouth glued shut, her gaze avoiding mine like I wasn't even there. Elsewhere in the house, Koa filled the void of silence between us with the clashing of cutlery, the hum of the gas stove, and a loud sizzling.

"This would be the part where you say something," I uttered sarcastically, thinking it might strike a nerve in her. "That's how we communicate. I say something, you say something... so on."

She blinked, and that was her way of taking an axe to every bit of my self-control.

Sutton had a way of setting off my temper in record timing, more so than Gus ever could. She may have looked like someone sucked the life out of her, and maybe it was for far longer than I ever cared to notice, but I sure as hell didn't drive two hours by myself into the middle of Bumblefuck Nowheresville, Maryland for this.

"Okay Sutton, you know what?" I snapped a little harsher than I intended. The sound was jarring in the tranquil atmosphere of her house and it forced her to look my way. "I came here to try and make things right, but fuck it because apparently you're still a child. I'm sorry for making you pay my rent for so long. I should've told you the minute I moved back in with Gus and that I didn't need your help anymore, but I wanted to spite you for making me your Maid of Honor. It was a shitty thing for me to do, I know that and I am truly sorry about it, but I'm not sorry for marrying Gus. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me and if you're gonna make me feel bad about it, then I don't want you in my life."

I wasn't sure where that last part came from, but I must have sounded convincing enough because it got her to react. I was perched on the edge of the couch with an agitated, racing pulse and she was staring back at me with pure, unadulterated shock on her face.

Did I believe it? Not necessarily. Did I reach for dramatics to get a rise out of Sutton? Totally.

She didn't dare speak, so I was more than happy to keep going. My voice wavered as I tried to recompose and continue. "I mean it. Everyone was more than happy to shit out rainbows for you and Koa. Why can't it be the same for me and Gus? All you've ever done is take jabs at our relationship. You've never understood it just because it's not like yours. Yeah, eloping with him was a little unconventional, reckless, maybe even stupid, but that's us. I'm the happiest that I have ever been and I don't feel the slightest bit sorry for doing it. I married him and I fucking love him and if you have a problem with that, then I guess we're done here."

I expected a lashing. A classic Sutton rebuttal. I waited for the storm to come into view, for the funnel cloud to form. I waited for a tired rerun of her reaction at the ceremony. For anything.

What I did not expect was for her to start crying.

And when I said crying, I meant crying. Crocodile tears. Full-blown dramatics. Strangled sobs, snotty sniffles, the whole nine yards. Sutton had always been pretty expressive with her emotions whereas I was not, but this was something I had never seen from her before.

It dawned on me that perhaps I wasn't too keen on showing emotion because it made me uncomfortable. I was the last person anyone would want to be with if they needed consoling. Sutton and I both knew this, but I still inched my way closer to her and awkwardly patted her shoulder.

"It's uh... it's okay," I cringed, both at how idiotic I sounded and how Sutton wouldn't let up on her blubbering.

A wail ripped from her throat before she finally choked out, "I'm sorry."

My hand that was pointlessly trying to comfort her stopped. I said it was the crying, but an actual apology this quick from Sutton was the last thing I expected to hear today.

"I'm s-sorry for how I freaked out on you at Dad's thing. I'm sorry if– if I ever made you feel bad about your relationship"–she hiccupped–"I'm sorry for how much shit I put you through for my w-wedding." Another choked sob interrupted her. "I-I'm sorry for being such a terrible fucking sister and human-being."

Because I wasn't totally heartless, and I still loved her even if I wanted to strangle her, I shook my head. "Sutton, you're not–"

"Yes, I am!" She cut me off as her misty, red-rimmed eyes met mine. I took my hand away from her shoulder and she wiped the back of her nose with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "I owe you a million apologies, and I don't blame you if you never talk to me again."

"I don't want that. I want to talk to you about this stuff and understand what you're feeling, but it's not gonna work if you won't let me."

Sutton let go of a sigh so heavy, I felt the relief in my own chest. She sat cross-legged on the couch now as she faced me, but her gaze dropped to her hands on her lap. Neither of us said anything. Koa's cooking on the other side of the house and 50 First Dates became our background noise.

For the most part, the dramatics subsided. When I glanced up at Sutton, there were still tear tracks on her cheeks, but her sniffles became less frequent and her shoulders weren't heaving as much. She was picking at a cuticle nervously before she spoke up again.

"Mom and Dad came here on Monday," she rasped.

"What'd they say?"

"Dad gave me one of his famous 'not angry just disappointed' speeches, but he still forgave me because that's him. Mom said she'd pretty much disown me if I ever pulled that shit again like what I did at the ceremony. I'm surprised she didn't already." She gruffly laughed at herself, and I couldn't help but do the same; we knew our mom too well and Sutton was one lucky bitch to be alive right now. Her voice softened when she went on to say, "I'm really happy you came by today. I wanted to call you or try to see you, but I didn't even know what I'd say if I did. I was just so embarrassed about how I overreacted. I was a real psycho-bitch, as Val would say. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself."

"Well, I'm forgiving you now," I said, and her eyebrows furrowed as a result. "If I can do it, then you can too. I want us to move past this. Like I said, I don't want to fight with you. I just wanna talk."

She gave me a wobbly nod and her glassy eyes left mine again, flattening her lips in thought. Seconds ticked by when in a small voice, she asked, "Can I tell you something, but can you promise not to say anything? Not even to Gus."

"Of course," I agreed immediately. "What's going on?"

"I can't..." The rest of her sentence fell short. She punctuated it with a gulp.

"Sutton, you can tell me." I shifted myself and folded one leg under the other, giving her my full attention. "I promise I won't–"

"I can't get pregnant."

Alright, now that was the last thing I expected to hear today.

I sputtered, my mouth ajar because I wanted to say something but no amount of words seemed fitting. My brain was short-circuiting with sparks flying every which way. I heard her, but I couldn't comprehend it.

Nevertheless, I came up with something.

"Huh?"

"You know how women get pregnant and have children? Well, apparently I can't do that," she sneered.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," I mimicked her snide tone, but my mind was still reeling. "I just... when did... I-I didn't even know you were planning to have kids this soon."

She vigorously shook her head. "We weren't. We had a scare before the wedding, sometime around Thanksgiving–"

"Thanksgiving?" I wheezed in disbelief.

"I know. We went to the doctor to check things out and... turns out I'm pretty fucking infertile," she said with a halfhearted shrug. "I put it on the back-burner because I wanted to enjoy my wedding and not have it bring me down. It's been eating at me ever since, more than I realized. I thought I could just ignore it but I literally can't."

The puzzle pieces were coming together in my head, slowly but surely. It was all starting to make sense now. Not that her initial reaction to my marriage was acceptable by any means, but this definitely explained it.

Thanksgiving was around the time of her Bon Voyage party, which was when she slaughtered me for disrupting my dad's speech and "ruining" the whole night. Anytime she'd given me hell after that wasn't just because it was typical Sutton. It wasn't just because her wedding was stressing her out.

She had been carrying this around for five months. She dug a hole for it in the back of her mind, buried it, and suppressed it for so long until it erupted. The trigger was me.

If it's hysterical, it's historical. God damnit, Wayne.

"I'm so sorry," I muttered. Evidently not only was I the least bit comforting as a person, but I also never had the right things to say.

Sutton shook her head. "It's not your fault. I'm the one that flipped out and ruined Dad's night; everyone's night honestly. I took it all out on you and that was wrong," she said, chewing on her lower lip and keeping her head down. "Koa and you are the only people that I've told and I wanna keep it that way until I really come to terms with it. Right now, I'm just not ready."

"I get it." I nodded, even though I couldn't quite relate.

"The doctor said we have a year to keep trying and if there's no luck after that, then we need to look at other options. I never thought I'd have to think about kids so soon, but to have that taken from you before you can even consider it... it just broke my heart," she told me, her voice cracking on the last word.

"Well, that's kind of good news, right? There's a silver lining. You still have some time," I said, pointing out the positive bit in all of this. So out of character for me.

"Yeah, that's true. I still can't even believe it, which is probably why I hid it for so long. I guess part of me was just hoping it wasn't real," she breathed, a sad smile appearing on her face as she finally looked up at me. "If I don't tell anyone then it's not real, right?"

"I was like that with my breakup with Gus. Same with when we got married, like if I didn't acknowledge it, then it wasn't real," I said, and man, it was cathartic how easily those feelings came out. I gave a silent thank you to Wayne in my head. "But that's not how life works. You can have time to process this, but you shouldn't bury it. You have to let it out or else you're really gonna cut somebody's head off at the wrong time." She knew I was right and it got a weak chuckle out of her. "This sucks and I'm sorry you're going through it, but it's not the end of the world. You still have Koa, and us. And you can definitely talk to Mom about it because I'm sure she'd have better advice than me."

"You're trying and that's all that matters." A real smile stretched across Sutton's face as she rested one of her hands on mine. She snorted then and asked, "When did you get so philosophical? It's like I don't even know you anymore."

For some reason, my heart skipped a beat. I hadn't told anyone about therapy yet, besides Collin who didn't even know the whole truth. All he knew was that I'd been thinking about it.

But it was time to take my own advice. I was tired of burying things.

A shaky sigh left my lips before I said, "I've been going to therapy with Gus."

"Like couples therapy?" She asked with a lift of her eyebrows.

"Yeah, sort of. Gus has been going on his own for a few months and I'll go with him sometimes because his therapist does couples too," I explained, to which my sister nodded. "I gotta admit, it's really helping us. It's so refreshing to be in a good place with him and not have to worry about when it's all gonna go to shit. I can't remember a time when we were this happy it's... amazing, honestly."