when i take a look at my life

and all of my crimes,

you're the only thing that

i think i got r i g h t

〰️〰️〰️

I knew I loved Mrs. Monahan from the very moment I met her. It was a given, really. You'd need to have a heart made of concrete not to adore that woman.

When Gus and I started seeing each other, we kept it under wraps for almost a year. We didn't want anyone else involved – we wanted it just to be us. We were young and scared, a couple of sixteen-year-old kids exploring emotions that neither of us had felt before, and we weren't about to let the opinions of those around us serve as an influence.

He asked me to prom in the spring of our junior year and we knew it was time to come clean. There was no way we could get through a teenage milestone like prom without telling our families, so we planned to take turns having the classic meet-the-parents dinner at each of our houses.

He met my family, then I met his. A week later we went to prom, and that was the night he asked me to be his girlfriend. The rest was history.

Being introduced to the Monahan's was something I could never forget. I had been in their home too many times to count without them ever knowing, but to formally meet them was like I finally made it. Gus' mom accepted me as another daughter almost instantly, his dad was petrifying in all respects, and his sisters were dying to know every detail about my life like I was some social media starlet they idolized.

Somehow, I felt more at home with them than I did in my own house.

Mrs. Monahan and I were in the kitchen once we finished dinner, myself drying the dishes after she hand-washed them even though she promised that I didn't need to help her. I refused to let her clean up alone since it seemed like the rest of her family had disappeared. Gus tried to get me out of it too, but I told him he could wait.

"You know," she said just above a whisper. We had both been pretty quiet for the most part, so her voice came as a surprise to me. I looked up from the spatula I was drying to see her brown eyes darting all around the room as if she didn't want anyone to hear her. "You're the first girl that Gus has ever brought home to us."

I felt myself smirking at the fact. I loved this woman with my whole damn heart and I hardly even knew her.

"Really?" I asked. "I feel honored."

"He should be the one feeling honored," she corrected me, and I just shook my head to ignore the blush blooming on my cheeks. She scoffed, "I'm serious, Bayla. I don't know why he kept us from you for so long. You're funny, easy to talk to, and not to mention gorgeous. Why wouldn't we like you?"

"Are we talking about the same person? Is there another girl named Bayla that I should know about?"

She giggled, giving me a loving nudge with her elbow. "I mean it. How did my son get so lucky?"

"I ask myself that every day," I said with a shrug, but she caught onto my sarcasm right away and smiled at me.

I just met her a mere two hours ago and I could already pass secrets and inside jokes with her. What more could I ask for?

She finished rinsing off the last pan in the pile of dirty dishes, then gave it to me to dry. I felt her watching my every move as I wiped the skillet, and the way she was studying me made me think I was doing something wrong.

Did she not want me to use this towel? Were we not getting along like I thought we were?

While a million questions about things I could've done wrong ran through my head, I set the pan aside after I made sure there wasn't a single drop of water left on it. She spoke up before I could even gather my thoughts.

"He really looks up to his father," she mused, leaning a hip against the countertop and looking at the floor. It was random as hell and I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded. "He wants to be just like him and he is in a lot of ways, but he's still like me. He cares even if he tries not to show it. He's nosy and dramatic. He's fussy. He's got a hell of a heart, though."

"He does," I agreed because with every day we spent together, I was slowly starting to learn all of that about Gus. I was slowly starting to really, really like it.

"He's like me but he'll never admit it. I think that's why we never see eye to eye. We're like oil and water. He and his father... they may as well be one and the same."

She was losing me. Was this the protocol whenever you met a boy's parents?

Her eyes jumped up and found my own widened clueless gaze. As low as her voice would go, she said, "I'm telling you all of this because I want you to know that as much as Gus is like his father, he is not his father. I love my husband but I don't want Gus to become his clone. You're both so young, you have a real chance to grow and make this relationship the best thing that's ever happened." She must have sensed my unease because she reached out to grab one of my hands, so I let her take it. "I'm not trying to scare you because I like you, Bayla. I'd love to see a lot more of you in my son's life, but I know how he can be. He's a great kid; he's just gotta get out of his head."

"I know he is," I admitted softly. "I appreciate what you said. I like your whole family, and I'd really like to be in Gus' life for as long as he'll let me."

A grin touched her lips now. "I don't wanna jinx anything, but I think that could be for quite a while."

Something changed then. She wasn't just Gus' mom anymore. She was someone I could confide in about anything at any time without feeling an ounce of judgment. She was a guardian angel in disguise.

She was the reason why, when I turned to see Gus enter the kitchen totally unaware of the conversation we were having with a boyish grin on his face, I realized that I was falling in love with him.

That night sat in the back of my mind like a dusty old tape waiting to be played again. It got its chance for a showing when brunch with the Monahan's came to an end.

After Gus and his father abandoned us women at the dining room table, I helped them clean up. I debated on following Gus, but I didn't know if he went to continue the discussion of our marriage with his dad in private or if he was just taking some time for himself. Knowing their relationship, I settled on it being the latter and left him alone.

It was just like the first dinner I ever had with them only this time, we were talking about possible ideas for a wedding. Something I never thought I'd be doing, honestly.

We didn't stay a minute longer once the dishes were done. We said our goodbyes, pretended like Mr. Monahan's explosive reaction to our news didn't happen, then headed back to my parent's house where Gus spent the rest of the day with my dad and my brothers. My mom and I didn't know what the boys were up to, so we had a heart-to-heart which was oddly refreshing because I couldn't even remember the last time we did that.

By six, we were on our way back to Philly. It should have taken us about two hours to get home, but the Sunday night traffic was godawful for whatever reason and we ended up being stuck in the car for almost three hours instead.

I tried to get something, anything, out of Gus during the excruciating car ride, but he wasn't having it. All I got were head shakes, noncommittal grunts, and blank stares. Rather than continue on with my failed cross-examination, I stopped.

I didn't want to be pissed off, I didn't want to start a fight – I wanted him to fucking open up and talk to me. It was hard not to feel angry when he was showing me glimpses of his old self.

We barely made it through the door of our apartment at just past nine o'clock when Gus mumbled, "I'm taking a shower."

"O"–he bolted for our bedroom before I could get the whole word out–"kay."

My shoulders dropped, as did my spirit.

I knelt to the floor so I could unhook Ziggy's leash, letting out a drained sigh when our eyes met. He blinked back at me, tilting his spotted head to the side in curiosity. I kissed his nose for an answer.

Once I heard the water turn on in the shower, I threw my bags into the bedroom and parked myself at the island in the kitchen. I clicked on the second name in my list of favorite contacts on my phone and waited impatiently as it rang. There was only one person I wanted to call, and since I didn't have Wayne in my back pocket, Collin was my chosen therapist at the moment.

"Hey!" He answered joyfully. "Are you home? How'd it go this weekend?"

I propped my chin up with the hand that wasn't holding my phone and groaned. My hesitant response was all he needed.

"Yikes. That bad?"

"Sutton's probably plotting my death as we speak, my parents were surprisingly really cool with it, and Gus' dad was... Gus' dad," I summarized for him. "What more can I say?"

I could picture his frown as he said, "I'm sorry."

"His mom and his sisters were happy, obviously. His dad flipped out and I know it's bothering him but he refuses to talk to me," I grumbled, pressing my fingers into my temple. "I just hope this doesn't send him down a dark path. We've come so far, you know? I don't wanna see him go back to his old self again because of this."

"He won't, but he needs your support more than ever right now," Collin reassured me. "You're right when you say you guys have come so far. You're like brand new people, you have what it takes to make sure this doesn't get out of hand. I think you know better than anyone what to do to bring him back before he's too far gone."

I nodded in understanding, and even though he couldn't see me, there was no need for me to tell him I believed him. I had no reason not to because everything he said was true. For better or for worse, I was here for Gus. I'd be damned if I let this come between us and destroy what we worked so hard for.

Our first therapy session as a couple came to mind. Wayne had asked Gus about the things I could do to show him how much I loved him, and those keywords flashed above my head like the winning answers on Wheel of Fortune.

"He'll be okay. He has you," Collin added.

"Thanks," I said with a grateful smile on my lips that I hoped he could hear in my voice. "I gotta go, but I'll text you later. I just needed a dose of Collin wisdom."

"Don't we all?"

We traded goodbyes and hung up, as I left my phone at the island and a sleepy Ziggy on the living room couch. I walked back into my dark bedroom, the only source of light seeping in through the crack of the bathroom door because Gus never fully shut it whenever he was in there.

After I stepped around stray pieces of clothing and shoes on the floor, I gently knocked on the door and pushed it open.

"Gus? Are you okay?" I asked, feeling the steam from the hot water waft over my face as soon as I stuck my head in.

He cleared his throat, then hoarsely called out, "Yeah."

"Are you lying?" I countered, unsatisfied with his answer.

There was a beat of silence. I thought he might shut me out again, sneak back into his shell, and tell me he was fine. He'd come up with some snarky reply that I'd take offense to which would be just the tip of the iceberg. We would fall by the wayside and it would be like reliving December all over again.

But in fact, he did the opposite.

"Yeah," he finally said, so faint I almost didn't hear him.

A cross between a sigh and a whimper broke free from my chest, masked by the stream of running water. I didn't say anything else to him as I stripped out of my clothes in the doorway until I had nothing left on my body. The last things I took off were my plastic wedding ring on one hand and the eternity band on the other, placing them on their reserved dish at the sink. I never took a chance with either of those in the shower.

Tiptoeing across the bathroom, I pulled aside the shower curtain and stepped into the tub. Gus' back was to me, his palms pressed against the tiled wall to hold himself up and his head hanging low. He didn't even twitch at the scrape of the curtain rings as I put it back in place. He didn't flinch when I slid my arms around his torso and pressed myself flush up against him. He didn't push me away when I nestled my head between his shoulder blades and put my hands on his heart.

We stood under the flow of water in silence. I didn't care that my face was about to be a smudged mess of makeup, or that the loose curls I'd perfected yesterday were now just soggy strands of hair. I didn't care that we weren't talking. I didn't care about anything that wasn't us.

"I'm so proud of you," I thought aloud.

"Why?" Gus croaked.

My fingers started stroking his chest out of instinct. "For the way you stood up to your dad. I know that was hard for you."

He sighed, and my head followed with the rise and fall of his back. "I wish he could just admit that he was proud of me without having to follow it up with bullshit like 'are you sure this is the right choice?' He makes me question every goddamn thing about myself and I'm the asshole that keeps going along with it. I don't know why I keep trying so hard to impress him and live up to whatever fucking picture he painted of me. He's never gonna change," he spilled his feelings, a bitter taste to his words.

The bitterness wasn't what bothered me; I expected that. It was the guilt lying beneath that dug into me.

"He might not, but you can and you have," I said, squeezing him as if that'd prove my point. "I'm so fucking proud of how far you've come. It's only been three months with therapy, two of us being back together, and you are a completely changed man. You're the man I love. The man I married even though I don't really remember it and I may have hated you for it at first." I paused to chuckle, and from the slight shake of his shoulders, I knew he was laughing too. "You're the man that I get to spend the rest of my life with and I don't give a shit what anyone else has to say about it."

Gus didn't say anything in response. Instead, he spun around in my arms until we were facing one another. I watched droplets of water trickle down his forehead from his drenched hair as he shifted us out of the steady stream coming from the showerhead.

I felt one of his hands rest on my lower back while the other came up to cup my cheek. His gaze was locked on mine, dropping for a second when his thumb swiped at the skin below my eye. When he pulled it back, I saw his thumbpad smeared in black from my runny mascara. He just smiled at it, so fondly you would have thought he was holding a newborn baby, then joined it with the other hand at the small of my back.

His eyes, as bright and blue as humanly possible, grabbed my attention when they landed on me again. "I'm sorry," he murmured. I started to shake my head in protest, but he wasn't finished. "I'm sorry I shut you out today and that I let my dad get inside my head. I didn't talk to him after I left the table, I just needed to be alone. I didn't wanna say something I'd regret or give you another reason to be mad at me. I should've talked to you about it, I didn't, and I'm sorry. I might be a changed man like you said, but I'm still gonna make mistakes. I'm working on it, though."

"I know you are and that's all that counts," I said. "And I'm not mad at you. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I love you, always."

"I love you, too. How the hell did I get so lucky?" A lopsided grin stretched across his face.

"I ask myself that every day." I shrugged with a shy smile, recalling how Mrs. Monahan and I once had this same conversation. It was funny how everything always seemed to come full circle in my life no matter what it was.

He scanned my face, from the trails of mascara staining my under eyes, to the slope of my cheekbones, to the shape of my lips until he memorized every feature about me like if he had to give a description of me to anyone, his answer would be a reflex. When his stare lingered on my mouth, I leaned up to kiss him and closed that last empty space between us.

I wasn't sure why I thought it wouldn't get heated in a matter of seconds. We were both naked in the shower after a draining weekend spent with our families – it was inevitable.

His hands were kneading my ass, his tongue had gladly slipped through my lips when I parted them for him, and I felt a third party join us as it poked my thigh.

Before things went entirely too far, I pried myself away and panted, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah." He answered me when I didn't even get the whole question out, his heavy-lidded gaze catching mine for a second until it was back on my mouth.

"You promise?"

"Bay, I promise. I'm fine." He was practically whining now.

"I just wanna be sure," I said. He nodded hastily, and right as his lips were about to touch mine again, I lunged back. "Hey, by the way, what did you do with my dad and my brothers all day?"

He rolled his eyes at my untimely question, but he amused me anyway. "Nothing that concerns you yet."

I scoffed, "Yet? What the hell does that mean?"

"Can you be quiet?" He snapped, the playful glint in his eyes conflicting with his growling tone. "I'd like to fuck my wife but you're talking too much."

A surge of heat swept me from head to toe that had nothing to do with the temperature of the water.

He was waiting for my answer with raised brows and a flat expression. All that came out of me was a flustered giggle, like it was seven years ago and Gus just broke the flirting barrier for the first time.

"Fine," I surrendered dramatically. "Can we get out of the shower first though? I love you, but it gets way too cramped in here."

"Uh-huh, yeah sure," he said under his breath, clearly distracted with his mind in other places.

His head dipped, and his lips latched onto mine without another word. We never made it out of the shower.

〰️〰️〰️

thoughts, if any??? it was just a fluffy #bus chapter tbh. it shows how they're not Perfect (they probably never will be because that's life) but they're working on it. we have come so FAR like ?!? old bayla and gus would have Snapped on each other but we ain't about to relive chapter 1 again lol. also i haven't written a flashback scene since before sutton's wedding i think, so i was like it's time for another! just preparing myself to write the book of one-shots dedicated to baby B+G :') like i said i don't have a plot for an actual "prequel" book but i can definitely just do random scenes i've wanted to write but never did. i know a lot of y'all said you liked that idea so if you're down, i am also down!!! just lemme know.