i am yours and you are mine

i have your heart,

i don't even need a r i n g

〰️〰️〰️

There was something to be said for people that thought before they spoke, and it had become evident that I was not one of them.

The conclusion came to me as I stared at my sorry reflection in the toilet water of the bathroom stall I had been holed up in since I deserted my family at the table after self-imploding in front of them. Nothing was left in my stomach for me to purge and although I could've blamed it on some speedy food poisoning, I knew that wasn't the reason.

I couldn't have spent longer than fifteen minutes in there, maybe twenty at most, but it felt like a couple of hours. Listening to heels clacking on the floor, sinks running, girlish giggling, and a torturous replay in my head of where it all went wrong tonight. The bathroom attendants must have thought the worst about me.

When a fist started knocking on the private stall, I jumped out of my skin thinking it was my sister coming back to pulverize me as if she hadn't already wreaked enough havoc. My grandmother's soothing voice said otherwise.

It was all a blur from then. Unlocking the door so she could come in the stall and pick me up off the floor. Her repeating "come on, it's okay, let's get you home". Our arms wrapped around each other while we walked out of the venue. My family waiting in the parking lot. Saying goodbye to everyone except for Sutton. A long, long hug from Koa who must have told me a dozen times that nothing was my fault and we would talk soon. One emotionally-charged, mind-numbing, wordless car ride.

My grandparents were on their way back to New Jersey, Sutton and Koa were going home to Maryland, and the rest of us reluctantly marched through the front door of my parent's house like prisoners being summoned to the gallows. One look from my mom and we knew exactly what it meant.

We all headed straight for the sunken living room where my other set of grandparents were camped out on the couch with Madelyn fast asleep between the two of them, her jet black curls sticking out in every direction. Ziggy was comfortably sprawled on his side at their feet, but as soon as he heard us walk in the house he was upright and frolicking over to me.

They must have sensed the stench of sweet mortification that contaminated the air because my grandmother looked up from her crossword with a raised brow and my granddad actually took his eyes off of the TV to study us.

"How was it? We didn't expect you to be home so soon," my grandmother said. She glanced at her watch, which made me look up at the heirloom pendulum clock on the farthest wall that said it wasn't even ten PM.

"Fine," my mom spoke for all of us in a clipped tone. That was one way to sum up our night. "There are a few things I need to discuss with my kids, so could you put Madelyn to bed in Sutton's old room? Duncan, you're more than welcome to stay in your room for the night if you want."

My eldest brother knew better than to decline our mother's offer which was more of an ordinance, so he gravely nodded his head at her. Madelyn didn't even stir as my granddad scooped her up in his arms and carried her across the room, stopping by Duncan for a moment so he could kiss the top of his daughter's head. While they tucked my niece into bed, my brothers, Gus, and I took our places on the vacant couch and Ziggy nestled himself on top of my feet.

None of us said a word. The boys loosened their ties. I let myself slump into Gus' side when I felt his arm slither around my waist from behind. My mom leisurely paced the room with her arms crossed. My dad decked out in his uniform should have been the representation of a proud man, and surely by now, he felt the complete opposite.

He may have been retired, but he was still a father. Going from knowing every little thing about his kids to getting shit on by our confessions at a ceremony that was about him had to be disheartening. And to think if I had just kept my damn mouth shut, none of this would be happening.

Once my grandparents came back downstairs and bid us all goodnight before they left, my mom wasted no time, never having been someone to beat around the bush. Ever.

"Are we going to have this discussion now, or should we wait until tomorrow?" Her words were sharp, biting, and we all knew the correct answer.

"Let's just get it over with," I mumbled.

"You're all old enough to make your own decisions. You're all mature adults–"

"Well, I don't know about mature after that scene at the ceremony," my dad intervened with a wry chuckle.

My mom overlooked his comment and continued. "Regardless, whether we approve of them or not, you can own up to your choices. We're not going to punish you for that because you're not children anymore. I guess all we want is some clarity. Who wants to go first?"

Deafening silence.

Gus cleared his throat. Duncan twiddled his thumbs. Asher was fidgety as-all-hell, from what I could see where he sat on the other side of Duncan. I chewed on my lower lip. If we replaced Gus with Sutton, it was alarmingly identical to the time the four of us got raked over the coals for what my mom called our "barbaric behavior" at Duncan's college graduation party. Asher was ten years old then and even he wasn't safe from one of our mother's notorious lectures.

Our failure to cooperate drew an impatient sigh from my mom. "You know, the faster you guys speak up, the faster we can finish this," she taunted.

Since nobody else wanted to walk the plank, I turned to Duncan with a scowl. "Valerie? Really?"

"Oh, so we're gonna start with me?" He snapped, blue eyes flaring with outrage. "Okay then, let's talk about it."

"She's a bitch."

"Yeah she can be, but she's not like that with me. You guys don't know her like I do," he said defensively. Somehow I refrained from rolling my eyes at that lame line. "We have a lot of fun together and she gets along with Madelyn which is the most important thing to me. My daughter is my world, and I want someone to love her as much as I do... and Valerie does. You guys have to know by now that Dom and I are never gonna get back together. The only reason we're on 'good' terms – and I say that loosely – is solely for Madelyn. That's it."

I frowned at the impromptu mention of Madelyn's mother and how he just smashed every ounce of hope I had of them rekindling in the future for their daughter. "Never?" I asked in a small voice.

"Never," he clarified with a firm shake of his head. I caught a glimpse of a crestfallen look on my mom's face too as he addressed everyone now. "Val is the next best thing. All I can ask for is some support and understanding. It's weird, I know that, but she's amazing. She's the only girl that's not discouraged by the whole 'single-dad' thing. She doesn't think of it as baggage and it's a goddamn relief for me. I'm almost thirty, you know? I'm tired of fucking around. If you don't approve, fine, but it's not your choice to make."

The room went quiet again. None of us wanted to argue with him. He seemed committed to this thing with Valerie and there was no point in questioning it; every word he said sounded like it came explicitly from his heart. If everyone in my life could continue to support Gus and I despite all that we had been through, then I could be there for my brother and his unreasonable choice of a companion.

Duncan took our silence as a unanimous dissatisfaction and gruffly uttered, "What else do you want me to say? You want me to stop seeing her? Apologize to Sutton? If anyone should be apologizing right now, it should be her. She totally overreacted."

I snorted. "I mean, you've been sleeping with her best friend for nine months behind her back. You had to know she was gonna freak out."

I shouldn't have said it, but as I clearly stated before, I wasn't the kind of person who thought before they spoke. Plus, we were bound to start bickering over something soon enough anyway.

"That's funny," Duncan sneered as his head swiveled around to glare at me. "Let's talk about you then. You're the one that got married and didn't tell anyone. On Sutton's wedding day. You had to know she'd lose her shit over that."

I bristled at his grating criticism. "It's a totally different situation and you know it."

"Is it?" He mockingly challenged.

"Uh, yeah. I'm not the one having an affair with my sister's best friend."

"It's not an affair!"

"Then what is it?"

"Enough," my dad bellowed, putting the lid on our petty exchange. Our mouths zipped shut as a result and all eyes were on him. "I've heard far too much yelling for one night. I don't want to hear anyone else raise their voice. Got it?" All of us meekly nodded our heads at his command. He didn't seem angry, he was just done. I saw it in his eyes when he looked at my brother. "Duncan, thank you for that clarification, but you can duke it out with Sutton on your own. I think she needs to hear more of this than we do."

"But why does she get to go home? She has every reason to be here as much as we do. She can't get away with what she did tonight," Duncan protested, and damn if it didn't feel like we were teenagers again, pointing fingers and playing blame games.

My mom raised a hand to cut in. "She won't, but we'll deal with your sister at another time. All of you combined are still easier to handle than her on her own. Believe me, she's not getting away unscathed," she said. I didn't doubt her, either. "Asher, there's not much to be said for you. What's done is done and you owned up to it. Just don't ever do it again, at least until you're twenty-one and can pay for it yourself."

"I still feel bad about it," Asher muttered with a shrug, and his innocence melted my heart.

Not for long though, because both of my parents directing their attention to Gus and I chilled me to the bone. I couldn't care less about my brothers – they could think whatever they wanted about my life and it wouldn't affect me the way my parents' opinions did.

Being the lesser one of two middle kids and trailing in Sutton's shadow my entire life made me often feel like anything I did wasn't up to par with my parents' standards. No one could compare to Sutton, Duncan had his adorable daughter and firefighting career, and Asher was the honorable genius of the family. Now, I'd be known as the disgrace who blacked out at her sister's wedding and left early to elope with her boyfriend.

A cordial smile surfaced on my mom's face and I thought I was imagining things. "So you two are really married?" She asked, her tone much softer than what I was used to from her.

"Yeah," I rasped, nodding for good measure because I still couldn't comprehend her reaction. "We have the certificate and everything to prove it. Even a video. It's really real."

"And you're happy?"

"Honestly, we've never been better," I said. As I spared Gus a glance, we were instinctively grinning at one another. That was the only way to truly answer that question.

I looked back up at my mom and saw her nodding thoughtfully. "Well if you're happy, then that's all that matters."

She was being too... kind. Too understanding. Given how belligerent she could be, it made absolutely no sense.

"That's it?" I spat skeptically. My parents were both staring at me like I grew a second head out of my ass. "There's no lecture? You're not gonna tell me how disappointed you are? You're not gonna say it was a 'stunt for attention'? You do realize that I'm married now, and we did it without your permission. Don't you want to yell at me just a little bit?"

My mom laughed and I had no idea what she found to be so comical. "Honey, no. We're happy for you. This was your decision as adults and we can't hold you back from that. The rent situation..." she trailed off, finally letting herself cringe at one of my bad decisions. "That's between you and Sutton. I don't know what happened there, but you guys are old enough to deal with it yourselves. Other than that, I guess we owe you a belated congrats."

"Welcome to the family, Gus," my dad beamed, glowing even more than he was when he gave his speech tonight which was pretty hard to compete with.

"I'm just happy to have another brother," Asher chimed in. "You can totally take Sutton's place."

Duncan nodded in agreement before he turned to us, smirking as he said, "I don't think we expected anything less from you guys. You've always been the most unconventional couple and I mean that in the best way."

I hadn't realized it, but the sentiment hit me then and in an instant, my heart was doing kickflips off every corner in my chest. Gus was always treated like a part of my family; now it was official. We were like real adults, with a real family, and a real love that we fought for and brought back to life.

I was overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn't properly process which was extremely unlike me, so I just smiled at my brothers and I felt Gus' arm tighten its hold on me.

"Alright, it's been a long day so everyone get to bed," my mom commanded, clapping her hands together and bringing our bonding time to an end. "We can talk more in the morning and maybe we'll watch Bayla's wedding video but there will be no yelling or hostility. Understood?"

We consented to my mom's word and were free to go. One after another, we filed up the stairs to our respective rooms and I was the first to claim the bathroom. Hibernating in a stall at the ceremony, although it was a pretty sanitary place, left me desperate for a shower to scrub off any and all remnants of the night.

Afterward, when I got back to my old room – barefaced, teeth brushed, and fully washed with the exception of my hair – I walked in to see Gus sitting on the edge of my bed wearing just his sweatpants and a smug grin. Ziggy was unconscious by his feet on the floor and he didn't even move at my entrance.

"What now?" I asked, tossing my clothes into my overnight bag. I hated to see my "naked dress" rolled up in a discarded ball, but there was no better feeling than being back in one of Gus' old t-shirts again.

"Nothing," Gus said in a singsong manner, and I raised an eyebrow because I knew there was more to it. "Just thinking about how I was right. I know you were nervous to tell your parents about us, but that went so much fucking better than we could've predicted."

"Yeah, you were right," I breathed grudgingly. "It was kinda scary how easy it went over with them."

"They love us. Hell, let's be honest. They love me."

I couldn't help the unattractive cackle that came out of me. "I gotta get out of here. There's no room for me with your ego everywhere."

His jaw dropped in mock offense and I tried to make a break for it as if I was leaving the room, but Gus had me pinned against the door faster than I could pretend to escape. He was kissing me senseless until I didn't even remember what we were talking about.

〰️〰️〰️

The Monahan's (the originals, not Gus and I) had always been an inspiration to me. A naturally poised and proper family, unlike my own clan of lunatics. They were the perfect blend of class while still being relatable and down-to-earth. Nothing was ever half-assed when it came to them.

We hadn't seen them since my sister's wedding, but when Gus and I got there the following afternoon for brunch, all of the aforementioned remained to be true. The fireplace in the dining room was ablaze, the options for food were limitless, and their Victorian-style "gingerbread" house was still an interior designer's wet dream.

I restricted myself to one mimosa during the meal because the last thing we needed was a repeat of what happened at my dad's ceremony. We were going to tell Gus' family that we were married and they deserved a more gracious version of the story. I didn't want to take a chance at fucking it up, but I couldn't resist a drink from Mrs. Monahan. I couldn't resist anything from her, truthfully.

She sat at the end of the table that was closest to me, Mr. Monahan was at the opposite end, and Gus' two sisters were across from us. Our plates were empty, our stomachs full of what was likely the best brunch I had ever devoured. The lull in the conversation encouraged Gus to seize the moment.

He sent me a sideways glance and I gave him a nod, so he rested a hand on the back of my chair and cleared his throat for everyone's attention.

"So..." he started off optimistically. "Bayla and I have some news."

Oh fuck, here we go.

"What kind of news?" Amanda was the first to speak, quirking an eyebrow. Being a middle child didn't affect her like it did me, I guessed. She was always the more outspoken one.

"Good news, I hope," Gus retorted.

"Oh my God. Don't tell me," Mrs. Monahan cried out, and I almost got whiplash from how fast I jerked my head around to look at her. Rather than say another word, her protruding eyes from behind her glasses bounced between my own gaze and my chunky cropped sweater.

I looked down at myself because I thought I had a stain, but as the wheels in my head started to spin I realized what she meant.

"No. Oh no," I stammered out with an uneasy laugh. "That's not– no. Nu uh."

"Mom, we're not pregnant," Gus scoffed, then he shrugged. "I mean, maybe eventually." My threatening glare only made him chuckle. "Anyway, no, that's not the news, but similarly... we uh, we got married."

He didn't skip a fucking beat. His words hung over our heads next to the chandelier. My reflexes told me to stop breathing. I could feel all four of them gaping at us, processing what he said, doubting it, wondering if it was a joke. I almost wished he didn't come out so forthright with it, but at this point, we had nothing to lose.

When I thought I was going to pass out from depriving myself of air, Mrs. Monahan responded.

"Married," she repeated the word as if she never heard it before.

"Yes," Gus affirmed, "We eloped in Hawaii on the night of Sutton's wedding."

Amanda gasped, "Hold up. You mean to tell me you did this while we were all there and you didn't tell us?"

"We didn't tell anyone!" He argued. "We didn't plan it. We drank too much at the reception and it just happened."

"My brother-in-law's best friend knows an ordained minister, so he took us to the chapel where he um... eloped us," I added on like a real Einstein.

"I don't freaking believe it," Amanda squealed, her eyes twinkling with delight.

Rachel, the youngest sister, was the least expressive with indifference written all over her face. That wasn't out of the ordinary for her, though. At fourteen, I didn't really care about much either.

"Well believe it because it's true," Gus said, shrugging again. "I know it sounds crazy and I'm sorry we kept it from you guys for two months. It took us a while to come to terms with it. It was a rocky start, but we're in a really good place right now and we decided everyone needed to know the truth."

"Married..." Mrs. Monahan tested the word again. "You two are married?"