i've been imagining this day

and i'll never be the s a m e . . .

〰️〰️〰️

It only took three whole days of tireless convincing from Collin, Jax, and myself to come to terms with the idea of moving back in with Gus. I may have had to ask them to do it, but the constant persuasion and solid reasonings they provided got to me. If they didn't, it would have taken twice (or even three times) as long to kick me out.

Not that they were actually kicking me out, as they've reassured me multiple times throughout these three days. I only considered it that way because it'd do a better job of getting my ass through the door instead of referring to it as "a gentle nudge to do the right thing", which is what Collin kept calling it. I told him to just pick me up and throw me in a cab if he said that one more time.

By the time it was Thursday, I knew what I had to do. That morning would be the last time I woke up in Seb's old bedroom, the last time I got to see Jax eat his frozen waffles for breakfast on the couch in the living room, the last time I'd think of myself as their third roommate. I knew what I had to do, but that didn't mean I was necessarily prepared for it. That wasn't anything out of the ordinary for me, though.

It didn't matter. Ready or not, I had to go home.

Thursday had been my most pleasant day at work all week. I spent it alone in my cubicle since Chelsea The Intern, who tried her best to fill Nadia's shoes while she was gone, had parted ways with us the day before. The Milan trip had come to an end so we wouldn't be needing her anymore and truth be told, I wasn't going to miss her. She was tolerable for the time being, but no one could replace Nadia.

No one could replace my nutty coworker that just so happened to forget to mention when exactly her and Donatella's flight from Milan was supposed to land. Ten minutes before I could clock out, Nadia – looking better than I ever would after a ten-hour plane ride – came bursting through the doors of our cubicle as if she took lessons from my sister on how to make the grandest entrance known to mankind.

"Ciao bitch!"

Her bold choice of greeting followed by the thump of her bags hitting the floor caused my head to snap up from my computer screen. There she stood in the doorway, her arms outstretched to me with a grin so wide I thought her face was going to split in half.

"Nad!" I squealed as I scrambled to get out of my chair.

She screamed, again, and beckoned me over. We collided once I got across the room, flipping her sunglasses right off her head from the force.

"I'm so glad to have you back," I mumbled into the bulky padding of her ski jacket that almost cut off my air supply.

"I missed you." She squeezed me before she pulled apart to glance around us. "I missed this office, this filthy city, all of it. Italy's beautiful and I love Donatella to death, but spending so much time with her can make anybody go insane."

"I believe it. Where is she anyway?" I peeked behind her to see if I could find our boss, but she was nowhere in sight.

Nadia let me go, fluttering her hand around to gesture that Donatella was nearby while she bent down to search through one of the three duffle bags she lugged up here. "She needed to stop for espresso because she can't go three minutes without one. I told her to meet me up here because I couldn't wait to give you your present," she cooed the last word and aimed her green eyes up at me.

"What?" I gasped. "Are you ever gonna listen to me? I tell you every time you guys go to Milan not to buy me anything."

"But I saw this and I just had to get it for you. I physically could not resist," she said, standing up now and shoving a sleek white gift box into my hands. "Ask Donatella when she gets in here. My body would not allow me to walk past the store without buying it. If you don't take it, I'm unfriending you."

I rolled my eyes, but I took it from her anyway with a sheepish thank you.

She jutted her chin out, encouraging me to open it as she bounced impatiently. My fingers unraveled the ribbon around the box, taking my time as I plucked the top off and separated the tissue paper that was hiding whatever was inside.

I always told Nadia not to get me a gift from Milan, but that didn't mean she ever listened. Every time she went on the biannual trip, she'd bring me something back. A box of fine European chocolates, luxury makeup from an Italian salon, handcrafted jewelry – you name it, she's gotten it for me. She was the best gift-giver, hands down, I couldn't deny that.

And again, she didn't fail me. As I poked through the tissue paper, I came across the silkiest red fabric that I had ever touched. I took it out of the box carefully and let the packaging fall so I could hold the precious material in both of my hands. Printed on the dip-dyed silk scarf in various shades of red, obscure to any passing eye but noticeable enough when you focused in on it, were symbols of Hawaii. Palms, scripted "aloha", rolling hills, hula dancers, vast volcanoes, birds of paradise, and every single fruit and native flower that were a part of Sutton's wedding.

I looked up at Nadia, whose dimples came out from hiding with her grin. All teary-eyed and in the tiniest voice, I told her, "It's perfect."

"I know," she gushed as she clapped her hands together. "I had this image of you wearing a red lip, your leather jacket, and this scarf around your neck. I mean, it was meant to be. I was like, she's in Hawaii right now, I have to get this for her. You know?"

"Thank you," I said with a smile, reaching out to hug her again. "I love it. I'm gonna cherish the shit out of it, seriously."

"I hope so. It wasn't cheap," she muttered, then cackled to herself when she released me. "I'm joking! I'm glad you love it. Speaking of, how was your sister's wedding?"

Her spontaneous asking of the question stunned me. I couldn't speak or even begin to think of a response.

It was beautiful! I had so much fun. Oh also, Gus and I drunkenly eloped even though we're technically still broken up. So there's that.

If I was a blunt person that wanted to face the consequences of her actions, maybe I would have said that. But I wasn't, so instead, I settled for an awkward silence while my brain racked through every kind of answer I could give her.

I considered lying – at least about the eloping part. It was bad enough that I still had yet to accept that I myself was married and that I hadn't told anyone of importance in my life about the news, AKA my family. I'd kept Nadia in the dark about Hawaii for the most part, filling her in here and there with trivial details like what I had for dinner or a hot surfer I saw on the beach.

The debate didn't last long because I came to the conclusion that Nadia was too good of a friend for me to lie to her. She'd seen the ups and downs of mine and Gus' relationship for as long as I had known her and if I kept this from her, the guilt would eat me alive.

All I had to do next was figure out how to tell her. I had to do that with every single person in my life, but one step at a time.

"It was... nice."

Her eyes narrowed at my unconvincing answer. "Uh-huh. What happened?"

"What didn't happen is more like it," I mumbled with a weak chuckle, shaking my head. "You want the long version or the short version?"

She opened her mouth but instead, Donatella's voice rolled through the walls before she even set foot in the room, capturing our attention when we couldn't even see her. Our conversation was over, whether we wanted it to be or not.

"Bayla!" Donatella was shouting as she thrust the doors open with a tiny espresso cup in one hand. She tiredly smiled at me, then bolted over and wrapped her free arm around me. "Il mio bambino, how are you? It is good to see you, my God."

"You too," I said, hugging her wiry frame in return. "It really is dull around here without you guys."

She leaned back and tucked a stray lock of my hair behind my ear that had fallen from my low ponytail. Her gaze searched mine as she said, "We missed you." She paused to take a sip from her drink, ingesting the frothy liquid and smacking her lips in satisfaction. "But we do have to be back in two weeks, you know. It's not over yet. Anybody else getting married?"

At first, I nearly choked because I thought she knew about my newfound marital status. Word traveled fast in the city, too fast especially when you didn't want it to. My brain caught up with itself and my tense shoulders fell when I realized that her knowing that information would be impossible. She had been in Italy for a month, she knew next to nothing about my personal life, and her mind wouldn't dare deviate from fashion. Not even for something as shocking as my eloping.

It registered then that she was talking about the next phase of the Milan trip; part one was mundane compared to part two which was absolute insanity at its finest. Part one laid the foundation, part two smashed it to smithereens.

Fashion Week.

In my signature jackass style, I stammered out a response and psychotically shook my head. "Um, uh, n-no. Not that I know of. Nope. Nobody."

Her lips curved in amusement. "Good. We'll talk about it later," she murmured, "Go home."

I nervously giggled and put my head down. No words were better than any at this point.

I didn't want to screw up whatever offer Donatella just put on the table, even if it was double-edged and inconceivable. Since I turned down her offer the first time because of Sutton's wedding, I assumed she wouldn't even consider inviting me along for part two. It'd be so far out of my reach that I would have to scale a Philly skyscraper just to catch a glimpse of it. Now it was there, dangling right in front of me like a crystal carrot and I'd be a damn fool to swat it away.

She squeezed my shoulder, gave me one last smirk, then drifted into her office. The frosted glass doors shut behind her, leaving me to exchange the same dumbstruck look with Nadia for several seconds.

"Did she just..."

"I don't know," I said questioningly, raising an eyebrow.

Did she just imply that I could go to Milan Fashion Week with her? Possibly.

"That woman... I swear, it'd kill her to be upfront about something for once," Nadia muttered. She shook her head, pulling her phone out of her jacket pocket and sighing angrily when she checked the time. Her eyes met mine again, irritation clear as day inside them. "Tell me all about the wedding tomorrow. We can go out for our lunch break and I'll let you have the whole forty-five minutes. No interruptions."

"I'll summarize and give you fifteen. I wanna hear about Italy too."

"Pasta, pizza, wine, you know the whole deal," she spat, uninterested in the details of her own trip as she shooed me away. "Now do what the boss said and go home. Who knows how long she'll keep me here. She wants us to do some extra prep work so tomorrow doesn't suck as much as it has to. All I wanna do is go home and kiss Jeremiah's stupid, handsome face."

"I'm going, I'm going," I sang as I gave her a quick, supportive smack on the arm. "Good luck!"

I shut down my computer, threw on my leather jacket and grabbed my purse, then hightailed it out of there. Little did she know that I was, in fact, going home.

〰️〰️〰️

At nine o'clock, I was met with the door of mine and Gus' apartment, again. Feeling just as intimidated and jittery as I did when I came to pick up my things on New Year's Eve. Only this time due to a strange turn of events, I was bringing my things back.

It was official. I was moving back in with my ex-boyfriend who was now my husband. My life truly couldn't get any fucking weirder.

When I got home from work, I announced to Collin and Jax that I was going to pack as quickly as possible so I could be out of their hair once and for all. They dropped whatever they were doing to help me. We knew this day was coming, but it didn't make it any easier saying goodbye to them. The process lasted longer than it should have and I thanked them more times than it should've been humanly possible. I wasn't moving across the country, but across the city may as well have been just as far.

They both insisted on dropping me off at the apartment rather than me wasting my money on an Uber, so while Jax circled the block in Collin's car since there was no parking, Collin helped me bring my bags into the building. He manhandled my suitcase that I still hadn't unpacked from Hawaii with all of my belongings and more stuffed into it. It wasn't even zipped shut all the way, but I didn't have much of a choice when it came to transporting my things. Besides that, I was left to carry my purse and control Ziggy, which was plenty.

We stood outside the apartment door like a couple of crazed nomads waiting for some stranger to let us into their home. Ziggy was sniffing every inch of the hallway, probably recognizing his surroundings and wondering why it had been so long since we were last here. Collin was tapping the heel of his foot, glancing at me as a way to get me to do something. I was staring straight ahead, too lost in my thoughts to focus on anything in particular.

I didn't know why I was so scared. It was my apartment. It was the place I'd lived, learned, and loved in for the last two years. It was the place I wanted to keep staying in for the next two years, and the next two, and so on. It was home.

My future was on the other side of the door, just waiting for me to walk in and grab it by the reigns. All I had to do was actually walk in.

So I knocked.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Collin spat. "This is your place. Use your key, you freak."

"I don't know!" I hissed back.

He shook his head as he uttered, "You need help."

I wanted to retaliate, but the door opened before I had the chance to. Gus didn't look surprised to see us in the slightest.

He should have been since I didn't tell him ahead of time that I was planning on coming back tonight. I showed up out of the blue hoping he'd be willing to take me back in if I was willing to work on us. From the way he promptly answered the door, I figured he spent every waking moment anticipating the day I'd come home.

Normally by this late, he would already be in his sweatpants, so it was unusual to see him still dressed in his work clothes. The top two buttons of his shirt were undone, the rest of it rumpled and untucked from his slacks. I found myself assessing him as he leaned a hand on the doorframe and did a terrible job of hiding his cocky grin. His eyes went from me to Collin, then to my suitcase between us. Silently, he put the puzzle pieces together himself as his fingers stroked his clean jawline in thought.

"Who knew you could have a bride delivered straight to your door?" He teased, which made me roll my eyes. "Crazy."

I ignored him and turned to Collin who was already wearing a look of consolation. "I think I got it from here. You're free to go," I said softly. I propped my purse on my suitcase and dropped Ziggy's leash to the ground so I could fully wrap my arms around him. "Thank you. For everything."

"Anytime," he whispered into my hair. "You know that."

I pecked his cheek before I pulled out of our hug and squeezed his bicep endearingly. He nodded once at Gus, who did the same along with a mock-salute. It was like a wordless thank you between the two.

Collin glanced between us with a lopsided smirk, then ambled down the hallway towards the elevators until he disappeared around the corner.

With a gust of breath leaving my lips, I looked back at Gus who was already eating me up with his eyes. He didn't even bother to spare Ziggy a glance as he twiddled with one of his spotted ears, begging for all of Gus' attention. Unfortunately for him, it was all on me.

"Glad to see he didn't forget me," Gus rasped.

"I don't think either of us could forget you," I said in a similar tone, mine slightly weaker than his as I watched the two of them interact. It was like we never left.

Gus jutted his chin out at me as his eyes dipped. "Where's your ring?"

I knew he wasn't talking about the one on my right hand. For almost two years, that was the one piece of jewelry I had that was never absent from my finger.

As much as I finally accepted moving back in with him, wearing the wedding band made it all too real. Plus, it would require me to do a lot of explaining if anybody saw it, which they definitely would. I wasn't ready for that, and apparently neither was Gus because he also wasn't wearing his.

My lower lip slid in between my teeth in disgrace as I dug through the coin pocket of my skinny jeans. Once my fumbling fingers wriggled it out, I opened my palm and displayed it for him. The teeny piece of plastic that changed my life.

He just nodded. I flattened my lips and lodged it back into its place.

In hopes of overturning the tension that just settled its way between us, I huffed, "Okay, so can you just get my suitcase and I'll–"

"Nope."

I froze, knitting my brows together at him as I scoffed. "Excuse me?"

"I gotta carry you over the threshold first. We're married now and since then, this is your first time in our home," he told me with a halfhearted shrug like I didn't have a choice in the matter. "It's a tradition. I don't make the rules. Do you want bad luck forever?"

"I think we already have enough of that."

"Come on," he whined childishly, his face twisting into a frown.

"Alright," I chuckled in approval. It didn't take much for me to give in to his pleading; my soft spot for him had swelled so much over the last few days that I couldn't decipher it from any other part of myself.

His ear-to-ear smile was beyond infectious, let alone totally gorgeous. I felt it start to mimic on my own face as he grabbed Ziggy's leash from me and unhooked it from his collar. The second Ziggy realized he was free, he bolted right into our apartment.

I stood rooted to my spot while Gus took my suitcase and rolled it inside, making sure not to knock my purse off from where it was still perched on top. Now all that was left to cross the threshold was me. Gus stared at me with bated breath, hesitant to scoop me up. The timid nod I gave him was the only answer he needed.

He stepped toward me, one hand slipping around my waist while the other went behind my thighs and in the blink of an eye, I was in the air. My arms instinctively curled around his neck for support, though he didn't need it. It was effortless how he carried me in his arms like picking up a leaf off the ground.

After we entered and he pushed the door shut with his shoulder, he stopped in the open space between the living room and the kitchen. I thought he'd set me down then, but he seemed pretty firm in keeping me against his chest. I cleared my throat to provoke him. It did nothing.

"Okay, you can put me down now," I bluntly told him.

"What if I don't want to?" Gus countered.

I peered up at him now through my lashes, my eyebrows raised as I asked, "So you're just gonna stand here and hold me all night?"

He didn't say anything. He didn't have to because his eyes spoke for him.