i'm a bitter little pill to swallow,

i'm a little bit of let d o w n . . .

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If it wasn't for Gus, I would say Collin was the only person in this world that knew me better than I knew myself. Before I could even begin to assimilate any situation, he already had a list of bullet points in his mind breaking down who, what, where, when, and why. He could form a thesis and predict the outcome without any specifics. He was fucking brilliant, and he didn't get nearly enough credit for it.

It was a quarter to two in the morning by the time we got back home. I was wide awake. Between the brutal six-hour time change and sleeping on both of our flights, I was screwed. I knew I'd be suffering from jet lag for a week, but that was Future Bayla's problem.

Nobody spoke in the car once Jax picked us up from the airport. Following our initial greeting and my shrieks of joy when I saw Ziggy, the three of us had never been so quiet. I was too busy cuddling my dog in the back, Collin reclined his seat and shut his eyes the moment he got in shotgun, and Jax was as fidgety as ever. More than his normal self.

When we turned onto Grape Street and their townhouse with the distinguishable crimson red door came into view, my gut caved in. It had been my home for the last month and a half, a place I sought refuge in when I thought I couldn't go anywhere else after my relationship burst into flames. Now I just felt like an outsider.

Jax eased right into their driveway if you could even call it that. More like an alleyway, the space was hardly big enough to fit Collin's car – a vintage, steel blue Nissan from the eighties equipped with pop-up headlights and cigarette burns in the leather seats from the previous owner. It was dirt cheap when he bought it before he dropped out of college, but it still ran like a champ. Not that we really had a choice in transportation since he was the only one out of the three of us with a car.

The smell of Korean fried chicken tainted the thick, polluted city air, welcoming us back with open arms. Still with no words spoken, we got our luggage out from the trunk and trudged up the steps. Jax pushed open the squeaky door and held it aside for us, then we dropped our bags by the staircase and collapsed on the couch in the living room.

I thought we all would have gone straight to bed considering how late it was. I was wrong. I also thought the density of the air would evaporate once we were inside. I was wrong again.

Our living room had never felt so claustrophobic. Tension weaved its way around us as we kept our distance from one another on the couch. Ziggy took up the space between Jax and me, his head nuzzled in my lap while he dozed off. Collin seemed pretty unbothered as well from where he was sprawled out on the chaise section of the couch with one of his hands draped over his eyes, in pure diva form.

Meanwhile, Jax was upright with perfect posture as if he had a metal rod for a spine. His hands were folded on his lap, then unfolded, then in his hair. They ran against his thighs and scratched the back of his neck. He couldn't be still.

I hadn't seen him try so hard to withhold a tic in a long time. I knew it was only a matter of seconds before he would cave. For the most part, he could resist and control the urge, but sometimes he just couldn't help himself. This was one of those times.

He launched into the conversation with a cackle of disapproval, which was a little out of character for him, but I guess he was keeping it in for so long that it was the only way his body chose to react.

"Fuck, I can't take this anymore. Why is nobody talking? Was the trip that much of a bummer? What–damnit–what's going on with you guys?" Jax was spewing out his words like a fire hydrant, so fast that I had to take a moment to process what he said.

"Ask Bayla," Collin retorted instantly. "She's the one that got married."

My jaw fell open as a strangled gasp came out. "How'd you know? I didn't even get to tell you yet!"

I was leaning forward so I could see him on the other side of Jax, my entire face scrunched in confusion. Collin calmly readjusted his glasses, then showed me the back of his hand. I quirked an eyebrow because I didn't understand what he was doing.

"This is how well I know you."

With a hum, I just pursed my lips. He wasn't wrong.

Jax scoffed in disbelief, followed by a chuckle. "Wait, what? Now I'm confused. I thought your sister was the one getting married?"

"She was, and she did."

"Beautiful ceremony, by the way," Collin interjected.

"And so did you? Since when? To who?" Jax asked. I didn't say anything but instead watched his eyebrows go from touching his hairline to so furrowed that they almost met in the middle. "Oh shit, wait..."

Again, I hummed to confirm.

"No way. No fucking way."

"Yes fucking way," Collin answered for me.

Jax was speechless, if only for a minute before he started laughing. Full-blown howling with tears in his eyes. I couldn't really blame him because if I were in his shoes hearing this story for the first time, I'd definitely be doing the same thing.

He threw himself back into the couch and clutched his stomach, attempting to catch his breath as his glassy pale eyes squinted at me. "Oh my God. This is... this is too good," he stammered and shook his head. "Explain, please. I need details. Last thing I knew you guys were broken up but he was still coming to the wedding. Now you're fucking married."

"Yes, please do explain because I still haven't actually heard the story," Collin chimed in, pushing himself up and turning to face me with an eager grin.

I sighed for as long as my lungs would let me. Both of my roommates were staring at me, waiting for me to go on, but I was gazing down at my sleeping dog.

This would be my first time telling anyone the news. Until I fully came to terms with it, that was how I was referring to it. Half of me was screaming inside my head grow up and accept it! while the other half was in serious denial that any of this was even real. I almost convinced myself I'd been dreaming this entire time, that Sutton didn't even get married yet and one day I was going wake up and be Bayla Barclay again.

That was a long shot, and by no means would it happen. My life was never going to be the same from now on. I was a Monahan, for better or for worse, and I didn't know why I got chills every time I thought that.

"Well for starters, we were drunk," I said, but cut myself off with a grimace. "Nope, that's not even the right word for it. We were hammered. Blacked out. I don't remember anything after I gave my speech at Sutton's reception."

"Fuckin' tequila," Collin chuckled lowly.

I snorted in agreement. "Yeah. So apparently it was my idea, as a way to get back at Sutton or some stupid bullshit that only made sense in my drunken ass mind. We left the wedding, eloped, ended up sleeping together, and the next morning is when I woke up next to Collin with no recollection of the night."

Jax's mouth formed a perfect circle in shock. "Did you think that you guys..." He gestured between Collin and I, who both shamefully nodded our heads. "Holy shit. Now that would've been insane."

"Wait, it gets better," I said as I held my finger up. "Apparently Keone, the best man, was the one that took us to elope because 'he knows a guy'. We got a marriage license, rings, and everything. As unbelievable as it sounds, it was legit." I paused for added dramatics, the two of them literally sitting on the edge of their seats. "To top it all off... Keone fucking filmed it."

They gasped so loud that it woke Ziggy from his nap, grunting to himself as his head attentively snapped up. When he glanced around and realized nothing was wrong, he laid back down and let his eyes shut.

"God bless Keone, whoever you are," Jax muttered with his head tilted toward the ceiling as if he were thanking a higher source of power.

"Do you have it? We have to watch it," Collin insisted.

I adamantly denied with a shake of my head, "I do, but absolutely not. I have to see that shit myself first before anybody else lends their eyes to it. No offense, but this is a personal husband-wife matter."

"I can't believe it," he chuckled to himself, "You're a wife."

There was a lull in our discussion after he said that. A moment of silence that made me realize I wasn't the only one that felt how the air had changed around here.

Jax awkwardly cleared his throat before asking with wavering hesitance, "So... does this mean you guys are working on things?"

"Yeah, we're gonna try," I admitted with a slow nod. Although it didn't seem like that was the truth according to what I told Gus just barely an hour ago in the airport, when I squashed every ounce of hope he had that our relationship was back on the rise.

Now, we were spiraling so far backward that neither of us could see any possible outcome. All because of me.

Collin inhaled, albeit loudly to demand our attention. His darkened gaze was latched onto me when Jax and I looked over in his direction. It was the expression he always wore right before he'd lecture me.

"I wanna say something, but I don't want you to just snap and go all psycho-defense on me, alright?" His voice was so stern that all I could do was nod because suddenly it felt like I was being scolded by my mother. He sighed, scooting to the edge of the couch where he sat and rested his elbows on his knees. "Just hear me out. You know I love you. We love you. We're a family, and we'll always be here for you whenever you need us... but I think you need to move back home."

Home. I forced myself to forget that place even though I knew where it was this whole time. I could find it on a map if I was blindfolded and spun around ten times. There was only one, true, concrete home for me, and it wasn't my parent's house.

Collin realized I wasn't going to respond, so he continued. "Not just because you're married now, but because it's the right thing to do. And you know it."

"Yeah, I do," I rasped with a nod.

"You know this was never meant to be permanent, that this wasn't how things were supposed to be."

"You're right, and I'm sorry. I just... I panicked at the airport when I was talking to him," I said, and his lips lifted knowingly. "I didn't know what to do. The thought of me going home with him and us sliding right back into our old ways like nothing ever changed scares the shit out of me. I can't do it all again."

"But a lot has changed," he corrected me. "It's barely been two months and you've broken up, moved out, moved in with us, been to Hawaii and back, survived Sutton's monstrosity of a wedding, and got married. I mean, that's pretty remarkable."

"And I'm still the same bitter bitch I was two months ago," I sneered to myself.

Collin tilted his head as his scrutinizing gaze swept over me. "I have to admit you are better looking now than you were two months ago," he said with a shrug, and I scoffed at the insult. "No offense, but this wedding gave you the sprucing up you deserved. For a while there, I thought I lost you."

"I can always count on you for such brutal honesty."

"What are best friends for?" He mimicked my smirk, making me roll my eyes. "Now we're not kicking you out or anything. Think of this as a push in the right direction, if you will."

Jax cut in then abruptly with a sheepish look on his face. "Although we do have a new roommate offer, so that's a thing," he trailed off.

"What?" My eyes nearly popped out of their socket. "When did this happen? Who is it? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because we wanted to be there for you," Collin said like it was common knowledge.

I spluttered to find the right words, mostly because I was so taken aback at how goddamn generous they were. "Jesus guys, I'm sorry. I just barged in here and totally turned your lives upside down when you have your own shit going on. Literally wrecking ball style. I never wanted to make this all about me. Fuck, I feel so bad."

"Bayla, shut up. You're fine," Jax laughed it off with a dismissive wave. "It just happened while you guys were away. Nothing's set in stone yet."

Collin nodded in agreement, adding, "Seriously, it's okay. The only thing you should be sorry about is not inviting us to the wedding."

"Ha-ha," I said with the least bit of enthusiasm.

He shook his head, switching back to our initial topic and asking, "What's Sutton gonna do when she finds out?"

"Murder me, for sure."

"She's gonna freak. And your parents too. Damn, this is huge," he breathed, in both astonishment and incredulity. Seconds later, his eyes lit up in the way they always did whenever he came to a sudden realization. "Wait, I have an idea. Can we have a huge ass celebration? Like a proper wedding reception for you guys when you tell everybody."

I pursed my lips in thought. "That depends. If you plan it and don't invite my family, then maybe."

"Done." He gave me a firm nod.

"Okay anyway, back to the important stuff. I promise I'll be out this week. No more excuses, I need to do this. I gotta dive in and get it over with," I said breathlessly, mostly because I didn't believe it. I probably wouldn't until I was back on the tenth floor at Lincoln Lofts in my corner one-bedroom apartment.

It didn't matter because I had to do it. I made my friends suffer enough, and I couldn't keep sponging off of Collin and Jax when they've been in desperate need of a third roommate since Seb moved out. Moving in with them was only supposed to be temporary; a brief escape until I figured my shit out. I still had yet to do that, but I could have all the time in the world and it wouldn't be enough.

Collin opened his mouth to argue with me, but I cut him off. "I'll be fine. In the meantime, I won't tell Sutton when I'm moving out. I'm enjoying her paying my rent too much," I smirked.

"Oh shit, I forgot she's been doing that," Collin snickered.

I shrugged, leaning back onto the couch as I gently toyed with one of Ziggy's ears. "What she doesn't know won't hurt her," I whispered.

All I could do was keep repeating that in my head.

When we all eventually crawled into our own beds that night, I didn't sleep. Not a wink. Ziggy was snoring like he hadn't slept the whole time I was gone while I stared up at the ceiling like I was going to find answers hidden in the paint. The only conclusion I could come to was I don't know what to do.

It was six-thirty in the morning once I finally drifted off into that fuzzy place on the verge of sleep, moments before my alarm woke me up and kickstarted my very first week of life as a wife.

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A/N - shorter chapter than usual, i know. it kind of had to happen that way. also the past few chapters have been so long that i feel like we all needed a break lol. this was more so a filler. it was very dialogue heavy and it made me anxious while writing it but i hope it's not too terrible. i fell out of my writing mojo for a while (again) so i'm trying my best to get back in it.

thoughts??? collin set bayla's ass STRAIGHT. he's not one to waste any time. he's the all-knowing best friend we all deserve. he's right tho! homegirl needs to get over it and move back in with her husband and work on things. smh we're gonna get nowhere if you keep avoiding each other. also lol at sutton still paying bayla's rent for agreeing to be her maid of honor. amazing. it's the least she could do for bay though tbfh. what do you think it's gonna be like when bayla finally goes back home??? that first moment of being back in the apartment with gus... ugh. i can't wait guys i'm so excited bc there's so much good stuff ahead.

alright well i'm off to see the jonas brothers tonight!!! nbd i'm gonna die. as always, thanks for reading. also if you haven't already GO follow my writer instagram i'd really appreciate it!!! my username is @sab.scribbles (: LOVE YA LOTS.

xoxo, sabbbycat