why can't you see

we'll be a l r i g h t . . .

〰️〰️〰️

When I said I was going back to bed after learning that Gus and I were married, I really meant it. The next time my eyes opened, it was eight hours later and I hadn't felt that well-rested in months. My sleeping schedule and the quality of it had been shit for so long, I forgot what it was like to wake up and not immediately feel tired.

It was six o'clock, the sun was about to set, and there was a huge chance that I'd be up all night since I slept the day away. None of that could amount to the dread I felt when I remembered I was now a wife.

I flopped onto my back so I was staring at the ceiling. A searing pain started in my thighs and spread throughout me whenever I moved, and all I could do was groan to myself in the stillness of my hotel room. It was the only way I could summarize how I felt; about everything.

"I need to stop drinking," I mumbled to myself as I scrubbed my hands over my face.

Saying it was one thing. Actually doing it was another. That was a different battle for another time.

The only source of time I had was the digital clock on the bedside table. My phone, and apparently everything else, was still in Gus' room. I hadn't bothered to go back for any of it because it would just be more concrete evidence that last night did happen. It would also be a cruel reminder that I spent my last full day in Hawaii sleeping and tomorrow, I'd be on a plane back home with my family (and my husband – fuck).

That mental image in itself was enough to make me doze off again, at least until I had to wake up at five o'clock to pack so we could all make it to the airport by six for our flight at eight. Twelve hours of traveling with my parents, with Gus, with my grandparents and my brothers and my niece. I didn't know how or when I was going to break the news to them, but I had to be thankful that Sutton wouldn't be with us.

Her and Koa had an extra week to spend in Honolulu on their honeymoon. Unlike myself and someone else I knew. I couldn't even begin to predict what her reaction would be, then again I wasn't sure if I'd be alive long enough to see it. She was going to publicly execute me, medieval-style, for the act of treason by getting married on the same damn day as her.

Why me?

I seriously planned on not leaving my bed, but the series of muted knocks at my door disrupted that. It wasn't room service, and it wasn't my sister because she would have already let herself in with the spare key she got for my room. Talk about a lack of privacy.

Grudgingly kicking the blankets off, I dragged myself to the door, stepping over clothes and shoes I'd left strewn all over the floor along the way. I knew hotel maids had seen and dealt with some weird shit, but I truly felt bad for whoever had the job of tidying up my room. Most days, I left the "Do Not Disturb" sign up just so they wouldn't have to.

I heaved the door open and predictably, Gus was standing in the hallway with his hands in the pockets of his favorite gray sweatpants.

"Oh, look who it is," I cooed mockingly, "My spouse. My darling husband."

He raised his eyebrows at me as a rebuttal, flattening his lips to hide whatever smile was poking through. "Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Monahan," he shot back, though his tone was light and playful. "Thought I'd check in since nobody's heard from you all day. Also thought you might want this." I watched him slide my phone out from one of his pockets and hand it over to me. "I charged it for you because it was dead. It's been blowing up for hours."

"Thanks," I said, biting down on my lip. My voice went soft. I went soft.

Our fingers brushed when I took my phone from him and it made something flap in my stomach. I glanced away from his eyes and down at the screen, just long enough to see a handful of notifications from random apps and plenty of unread texts. Most of them were from Collin, Jax, Nadia, or my family group chat. Nothing deemed an emergency. Nothing more outrageous than my newfound marriage.

Despite my desire to sleep this whole scandal off, I knew we had to bite the bullet here. This was no longer a breakup we could keep our distance from. This was much, much bigger than that.

"Um," I breathed out as I looked back up at him. His hooded gaze was already on me. "You wanna come in? We can... talk."

His eyes narrowed as he asked, "You gonna smother me with your pillow or something?"

"Maybe."

He just chuckled to himself, then nodded at my invitation. I led the way back to the queen-sized bed in the middle of the room and plopped down in the open spot by the pillows, while Gus shut the door after he entered.

"Damn, this is almost as bad as our room," he mused, surveying the clutter that surrounded us in astonishment.

"What can I say? I make a mess wherever I go," I said with a casual shrug.

"You got that right," he muttered to himself and shook his head.

I had to pretend like him casually mentioning our room didn't sting. It inflamed an itch to go home that was dying to be scratched. I settled for scratching my head as a compromise.

The comforter was as rumpled as I left it, so I let the bunched up blankets serve as a useless barrier between us. He sat comfortably in front of me, with one leg folded up on the bed and the other dangling off the edge. His focus wasn't aimed at me. Instead, it was off to my left and if I had to guess what he was looking at, it was my wedding band. It sat alone on the nightstand while my other ring was in its place on my right hand.

It was discomforting, the glaze over his eyes. As a result, I cleared my throat and curled my legs up to hug them.

"I don't, ah– I don't know what to start with," I stammered.

"Your guess is as good as mine."

"This is just really... fucking... weird," I said, followed by a strangled laugh. He snorted at my meaningful summary. "I mean, you have to know where I'm coming from, right? We never talked about marriage, you know? We always kind of just swept it under the rug. Now it's right in front of our faces."

"Yeah, I get it." He was nodding, mulling over my words. His lips quirked as he said, "To be honest, I'm surprised you're even talking to me right now."

"Me too, but you're my husband now. I kinda have to talk to you."

At that, he shot me a glance, one that showed me how totally blissed out he was at the word husband rolling off my tongue so easily. I was surprised, too. It felt so normal, so fitting.

"I know that was a little sarcastic but I do like the sound of that," he grinned.

It may have felt normal, but it was still fucking crazy. Agitation sunk its teeth into me and I was fidgety. Gus' calculating gaze observed me as I shifted to sit cross-legged, tucking and untucking my hair behind my ears. My blood pressure rose and I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't keep my emotions in check no matter what. I didn't think I would be able to do that for a while.

"Seriously all jokes aside, what are we gonna do? You're too calm about this and it's stressing me the fuck out." I kept my voice steady, silently struggling to control my temper even though all I really wanted to do was scream into an abyss until this nightmare ended. "This is literally the stupidest thing we've ever done. What made us think this was a good idea? How are we supposed to tell our families? Our friends? Sutton? She's gonna murder me! I'm not even gonna be able to get the words out before she puts me in a chokehold and–"

"Hey, listen," he interrupted softly, reaching for one of my hands with both of his. It was his way of saying "take it easy", so I let him take it in a tender hold. Not too aggressive, just enough to test the waters of whatever we were without going too far. "Whatever we do, we'll do it together. I know this is weird and I'm still trying to process it all too. We'll figure it out together, okay? I am here for you. I will fight Sutton off if I have to, believe me. I'm not letting anything come between us unless it's our own decision."

I sighed, "Gus, I love you. I do, and I want us to work but this is not gonna save us. This is not the answer. This is like putting a piece of tape on a fucking sawed off limb. You have to know that drunkenly eloping is not gonna solve all of our problems. It's not going to put us back to normal."

"No, it's not, but maybe it's the push we needed to realize things weren't supposed to end the way that they did for us," he considered with a shrug.

I could not, for the life of me, identify the guy sitting on my bed. He sure as hell looked like Gus, but this wasn't Gus. This guy was thoughtful and everything he said seemed like it had a purpose. He wasn't the snapcase I knew. There wasn't any sign of the selfish tendencies I could spot from a mile away.

The Gus I remembered was dependable but unpredictable, faithful but fickle, grounded but hotheaded. The Gus that was sitting right in front of me may as well have been a complete stranger. It terrified me but God, I was intrigued.

"You are so blindly optimistic about this," I said in a feeble whisper.

"And you're impulsively negative as the person whose idea it was."

I blew out an exasperated breath for a response. It was direct and a little hard to digest, but he was right. His know-it-all smirk that he stifled proved he knew he was right, too.

"I guess a part of me must have wanted it too, or else I really wouldn't have gone through with it," I mumbled sheepishly as I looked away from him.

"It's corny as shit, but when I woke up this morning and remembered, I got pretty excited," he admitted, and his nervous, breathy laugh almost covered up the tiniest bit of regret I heard in his voice. When I glanced back at him, he was shaking his head and avoiding my gaze. "Fuckin' stupid, right?"

My chest sank, so I took my free hand he wasn't holding and added it to the pile. This man subconsciously had a hold on me no matter what the terms were between us. I didn't really care.

"No, it's not," I said as I squeezed his fingers. "We both obviously have different feelings about this, but I'm really trying to see it and understand it from your perspective. I'm also trying not to freak out as much as I want to."

He let himself smile a little now. "I know you're probably dying to rip my head off right now, so I appreciate it," he quipped. I just mimicked his smile and held his hands tighter when he raggedly inhaled, like he was preparing himself for what he was going to say next. "I'll do whatever you're comfortable with. If you wanna work on it, or just erase this whole thing and go our separate ways. It's fine with me either way."

"As much as this scares me to death, I really don't want to get married and divorced all within twenty-four hours. We can just deal with it when we get home. I don't have the mental stability for it now and I'd like to try and enjoy my last day of vacation before we go back to reality," I sighed with a shake of my head.

"You mean the first and last day of our honeymoon?" He deadpanned, arching an eyebrow at me.

"Yup. Probably the most fucked up honeymoon in history."

It took a second to settle, then we were both doubled over in laughter. For that moment, with our fingers still locked, aching ribs, and gasping giggles bouncing off the walls of the hotel room, it felt like us again. Laughing too hard over something so dumb that only we thought was funny.

Everything suddenly became simplified; it was just me and Gus. Nothing and no one else. I'd never forget how bad we could be but just for a little bit, I wanted to.

I was leaning so far forward that my forehead was resting on his shoulder. Our knees were touching, our hands were laced together, and I could feel every breath he took in my ear. Other than last night, we hadn't been so intimate or affectionate in what seemed like years.

When I pulled myself back so I could see his face from a few inches away, his lips were still lifted in a smile from laughing, as were mine. There was a new kind of magnetic pull between us that I barely recognized, deeper and more consuming than ever before. I caught myself falling closer and closer to him, so close because I wanted to fucking kiss him. I wanted to set aside every single thought, rational or not, and just lose myself with him.

We almost had it, until someone rapped on the door with all the strength of a SWAT team locating the whereabouts of a criminal off the most wanted list.

"Bayla! It's Sutton."

My eyes shot wide open and I dropped Gus' hands when I registered my sister's distressed voice. What I thought was simplified now got a whole lot more complicated.

I hadn't seen her since I was last somewhat sober at the reception yesterday. We hadn't seen each other since we both became wives, and the mere realization of that made my heart wedge itself into my throat. I wasn't ready to die yet. I couldn't have her finding out about Gus and I this way.

Honestly, I never wanted her to find out about us. I knew that was unrealistic, but I was willing to do anything to buy myself some more time.

"Fuck," I wheezed, "T-take off your ring."

Gus frowned down at it. "But I don't wanna."

"Take it off," I growled through gritted teeth.

He huffed dramatically as if this was the biggest inconvenience to him. I waited, glaring expectantly at him, as he reluctantly slid off the plastic band and stuck it in the pocket of his sweatpants. With a sharp nod of approval, I hid mine behind the alarm clock on the nightstand, then dashed to the door to let Sutton in.

She was standing in the hallway with her hands on her hips and a restless expression pinching her features. It contrasted the graceful, effortless flow of her pale yellow floral maxi dress, the post-wedding gleam to her skin, and stylishly messy bun.

"Hi," she greeted gruffly.

I hummed in return. "I'm surprised you didn't just barge in since you have a copy of the key to my room."

"I was going to, but I thought I'd be a little more polite since you drank a lot last night," she said with a careless shrug, pushing by me to let herself in.

"That's one way to put it," I replied under my breath as I shut the door.

Spinning around, I watched Sutton tiptoe around my disaster area of a room, her sophisticated demeanor looking so out of place among my piles of shit. She was like a beam of light in an undiscovered cavern. It was just another dig in my side that she could outshine me in any way possible.

"What are you– Gus!" She started to ask a question, but yelped his name when she finally lifted her head and noticed the third presence in the room. She was so engulfed in whatever catastrophe brought her here that she didn't see Gus, and her jaw dropped. "I didn't know you were in here. Oh, wow. Am I interrupting? I totally am. I can leave. I'll just go. God, I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine." I stopped her rambling and shook my head. She kept standing at the foot of the bed, glancing from me to Gus a few times like she was trying to solve the mystery of why we were together. "What's going on?" I asked, taking a seat on the edge of the mattress next to Gus.

Rather than answering my question, she put her hands over her heart and grinned at us. "It's so good to see you guys talking again. Does this mean what I think it does?"

Gus cleared his throat and I inhaled so hard I choked on my own spit.

She was unfazed by our reactions and just blinked a few times as she waited for a verbal response. Gus was patting my back in assistance as I struggled for air, but it was more of an excuse for him to touch me.

I finally regained some sort of composure and croaked out, "Yeah, we're working on things."

"This is great! I knew you guys would end up back together. You're end game," Sutton gushed and I subtly rolled my eyes at her using modern lingo. She didn't seem to notice and skillfully brought the concern back onto herself. "Anyway, we have a bit of an issue. I can't find Duncan, and I can't find Valerie."

"So?" I couldn't figure out what she meant because I was trying too hard to ignore the tingling that swept me from head to toe at Gus' hand soothingly caressing the length of my spine.

"I'm trying to get everyone together for one last dinner, which is why I came here, but I'm also freaking out that those two are missing. She's a snake. He's a lonely single father. I'll kill her if they slept together."

Her jumping to a conclusion was exactly what I needed. It sparked an idea.

If she wanted to kill her best friend for sleeping with our brother – who was old enough to make his own dumb decisions – then I couldn't imagine what she'd do to me when she found out we had the same wedding anniversary. If anything was going to save me, it'd be a one night stand between Valerie and Duncan. I was going to take that chance and fucking run with it for as long as I could.

I gasped, pretending to be utterly traumatized to hear such a scandal. "Oh my God, that would be terrible."

"I know!" She flung her hands out so rapidly I caught a glimpse of the light reflecting off her engagement ring and went blind for a split second. "That is so her. She knows he's off limits but thought I was so distracted by my wedding that I wouldn't care. What a bitch. I mean, could you imagine her as Madelyn's step-mother? The poor child doesn't deserve that. She's got her hands pretty full just with Duncan for a dad."

"I'm sure it's fine. It's probably just a coincidence," I said with a halfhearted shrug. It was supposed to be consoling, but I knew it only riled her up more.

"I'll search this hotel top to bottom if I have to. I don't care. I need to figure out what's going on."

Smacking my lips together, I said, "Okay, well you do that and let me know if you find 'em."

"I will find them," she told me, and from the determined, demonic look in her eyes, I believed her. She flashed me a quick smile before floating towards the door and calling over her shoulder to again. "In the meantime, get ready and meet in the lobby in half an hour. Both of you. I'm fucking starving."

I couldn't even answer her because she was gone from my room so fast. The door slammed shut, and I was alone with Gus again.

"So I guess this will be our first official married meal," Gus commented lowly, like he was just now coming to terms with it.

I playfully smacked his arm, then stood up from the bed and turned to face him. His eyes were on me and they didn't seem like they ever wanted to be anywhere else.

"I have to get ready, so I guess I'll meet you down there. Or we can go down together, too. Whatever. Text me when you're done," I stumbled through my words, my brain still not having caught up on the fact that we were married, but whatever we actually were remained a big ass question mark.

"Okay," he said as he stood up too. "But first..."

It happened too fast. I wasn't ready for it.

I barely blinked and his hands were cradling my face, with his lips on mine like it was such a natural reflex for us. They were off again before I had enough time to process what it felt like; soberly kissing him for the first time in over a month.