i hope you're ready 'cause

you're gonna sleep alone t o n i g h t . . .

〰️〰️〰️

Collin lived in a row home in a fairly small, contemporary neighborhood on the northwestern side of Philly, which hugged the banks of the city's most significant river, the Schuylkill. It paralleled the infamous expressway of the same name that was unequivocally congested with cars every second of every day. It was the worst road in the Delaware Valley tri-state area.

If you climbed to Collin's roof – which was possible if you shimmied the window open from the bedroom on the third floor, jumped onto the adjacent neighbor's roof that reached just below the window, and did a deathly scale up the side of the building that I'd always hated – you could see the river.

It was described as "prime real estate with a waterfront view" on the apartment listing. The realtor had the audacity to add an exclamation point to the statement, too. Collin, Jax, and Seb found out that was an exaggeration upon moving in, but since the three of them were natural-born daredevils, they were thrilled when they discovered the hike up to the roof with an actual view of the river and the highway.

His block was exclusively all very similar adjoined, narrow terraced homes with two or three floors, with the exception of the takeout restaurant on the corner that only served Korean-style fried chicken. Amid the differing shades of stucco, types of brick, and variously colored window trim on all of the homes sat Collin's place, sandwiched between two beige houses. His gray stone exterior, three-story building with a crimson red front door and decorative black trim stuck out like a sore thumb.

If you didn't know the area, it was quite easy to get lost. Every townhouse having shared walls in the tight-knit community was like a mind game. They blended together as you drove by until it was indistinguishable on what property started where. All the streets were opposing one-way's, parking was permitted on only one side during specifically inconvenient hours, and the roads were steep like in San Francisco. But that was just city living.

After having three different Uber drivers cancel my ride because I had a dog with me, I finally found a fellow animal-lover that allowed me in her car. I caught a glimpse of the puzzled look on her face when she picked me up, but she didn't ask any intrusive questions like where was I going with a purse that could barely hold half of the things I had in my arms, why was I carrying a mangy pair of slippers, and why did I look like death warmed over?

In short, an unexpected breakup.

It had stopped raining for the first time all day. Collin was standing at the bottom of the stoop outside his house when I got there, his hands on his hips and his head angled toward the sky. I could see the wrinkles in his plaid shirt through the line of parked cars on his side of the street.

When my cab came to a hesitant stop about two houses away, he jogged right over.

"Have a good night," my driver said politely.

Her copper eyes met mine in the rear-view mirror and I smiled. "Thanks, you too."

If it weren't for her, I would probably still be waiting for someone to pick me up. She was about the only good thing that happened to me today.

Collin swung open my door for me and slipped the handle of Ziggy's leash off of my wrist, escorting him out of the car first. The air smelled of mouthwatering Korean fried chicken almost immediately. I collected everything of mine that was in the backseat, clambered my way out, and let Collin shut the door behind me.

Ziggy found a fire hydrant on the edge of the sidewalk to be fascinating along the short walk to Collin's place, so as we stopped to let him sniff every square inch of it, Collin turned to me.

"Talk to me. What happened?" His face and tone were solemn, hazel eyes regarding me through his wayfarers with genuine concern.

I mumbled, "I... don't know."

I looked down at his untied Dr. Martens, their banana yellow hue seeming more vivid than usual on this dreary day. I wished that color was how I felt on the inside.

I didn't give away too much on our short phone call. Collin was sputtering, at a loss for words when I said that I may have broken up with Gus. He was firing off question after question, but I just told him I'd be at his place soon before I hung up.

"C'mon, Zig," I called out in an attempt to get him moving, the bitter cold weather and the cramping in my arms from carrying my overweight tote bag both becoming unbearable at this rate.

Ziggy looked up at me, lifted a leg to pee on the hydrant, then led the way to Collin's, trotting around like we were in his territory.

The three of us quietly ascended the stairs and Collin pushed open his front door. Ziggy scampered in first once Collin dropped his leash, skirting around the wall that separated the living room from the confined entryway.

With more excitement then I'd felt in the last month, I heard Jax shriek, "Hey! What are you doing here?"

Collin took my bag that was bursting at the seams out of my arms, leaving me to hold just my slippers and a water bottle. I sighed at the relief I felt in my microscopic biceps, then followed him into the living room where Jax was sitting cross-legged on their black sectional sofa with Ziggy. His laptop was open on the coffee table in front of him that was also littered with film cameras in assorted sizes, memory cards, and a paper plate of pizza crust.

His eyes lit up when he saw me, but before he opened his mouth to speak, Collin cut him off.

"Yo, is it alright if Bayla crashes with us for a while?" He asked, crossing the room to where the connected dining room was and setting my bag down on one of the chairs with a grunt.

"S-sure," Jax answered with an aggressive nod. "What's going on?"

I trudged to the couch and plopped myself into the open space next to him and Ziggy. The TV across from us was playing Home Alone, and from the screen of his laptop I saw he was editing photos.

My head fell back against the cushions and I blankly gazed up at the ceiling.

"My life is becoming one big pile of dog shit, that's what's going on."

Collin drifted over and took a seat on the chaise part of the sofa on the other side of Jax. I could feel him staring at me even though I purposely avoided looking at him.

"Are we gonna do this the easy way or the hard way?" Collin asked, clearly bothered by the elephant in the room.

"What do you want to know, Collin?" I spat, sitting upright so fast that when I looked at my best friend, he was covered in spots. I ignored it and started listing things off on my fingers. "That uh, I just broke up with my boyfriend of seven years? That I haven't had a decent night of sleep in– I don't know, months? That I had to turn down the opportunity of a lifetime at work because of my fucking sister's wedding? That I have like, no money and no life from this wedding? That I am just a straight-up miserable person that's probably never going to get her life together? Tell me, what do you wanna start with?"

Collin's lips flattened. His head barely nodded as he let it drop so he was looking at the floor.

Fortunately, he knew how to deal with me when I wasn't acting like myself. If he didn't, I don't think we would've survived all these years as friends. He'd let me rant, let me say (or scream) whatever I needed to say, pass no judgement, then hand me just a tidbit of honest advice. It seemed to work pretty well for the most part.

I glanced at Jax, who was staring at the TV with wide, apprehensive eyes, determined not to look away from it. I'd never seen him so focused.

Ziggy was lying on his back, half in Jax's lap and half on the couch, soaking up all the attention and mechanical belly rubs.

I exhaled loudly, folded my hands to stop them from shaking again, and spilled the details of my day in one disorganized, chaotic monologue. Starting with my abominable morning commute to work, to my meeting with Donatella, and ending with my mental outburst that led to my departure from my apartment and my relationship.

Collin and Jax stayed silent until they were sure I was done, the former studying the floorboards and the latter steadily petting my dog like it was his job.

I wasn't sure of what to say or do next. I didn't feel like crying, but it seemed like I should have. I felt so detached from life, from the present, from everything around me, that it still didn't feel real. I couldn't convince myself that I actually broke up with Gus, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to.

Half of me would be missing forever. No matter how I spun the situation, that was a fact.

Collin cleared his throat, then rubbed his palms together slowly. "So you really think this is it for you guys? This is the end?" He asked.

"I don't know," I rasped. Apparently that was the only answer I had to every question anymore. "You tell me. If there's anyone that knows more about my relationship than I do, it's you."

"Yeah, and I know you, too," he said, and without a shred of doubt in his voice he told me, "I think you're gonna be fine. You need time. You need to get past this damn wedding, and then I feel like you'll be back to your old self, whether that's with or without Gus."

"You think in just one month that I'll be back to 'normal', whatever that even is?" I quoted the word incredulously.

"I do," he answered firmly. "I'm not too sure about you and Gus, but I think you'll be okay."

Naturally, I frowned. "We were really toxic."

Collin and Jax both nodded.

"But we were also really, really good."

They tilted their head in consideration, and nodded again. It was a little more enthusiastic this time.

"You guys both had your faults and weaknesses," Jax spoke up, eyes still hooked on the TV with my dog asleep on his thigh. "But at the same time, you guys just... fucking clicked, you know? I remember when I first met you two and I was like, damn I hope I have a relationship like theirs someday. Minus a lot of the fighting."

"I know," I breathed, shaking my head. "I just... I cannot keep going on, doing what we were doing. Physically, mentally, emotionally; in every aspect, I can't. It makes me sick just thinking about putting up with that for the rest of my life when I've already done it for too long. It'd be nice to have a relationship where I don't have to think 'oh, things are good now which means they'll be bad soon'."

"You shouldn't have to feel like that," Collin noted. "I like Gus. I think he can be a dick sometimes, however, he loves you. I think he'd die for you. He just needs to work on himself a bit."

"I think you guys are it," Jax emphasized this by pressing the pads of his index fingers together as if gesturing two units becoming one. "And this is no offense to you, but I don't think there's anyone else in the world that could tolerate either of you but each other. You were literally meant to be together, there's no doubt about that. Maybe this just isn't your time."

I nodded in understanding, glancing away from Jax's pale gray eyes and to his laptop on the table. I studied the photo on the screen of what looked to be the inside of a decaying, abandoned building that he was editing, repeating the last thing he said like a mantra.

Maybe it really wasn't our time. Maybe this wasn't the absolute end of us. Or maybe it was.

I wasn't sure which thought scared me more.

"The distance can help or harm you. It all depends on what you make of it," Collin chimed in again.

"Agreed. But I've never had a girlfriend so who knows if what I'm saying even makes sense," Jax quipped with a shrug.

"Well shit me neither, but somebody's gotta give the girl advice," Collin said under his breath to Jax, but I still heard him since we were all sitting so close to one another.

I wanted to laugh but didn't have the energy for it, so I just shook my head and smiled a bit. It was the first time all day I'd done that without forcing it. Smile, that is.

"I appreciate all the advice. It does make sense, believe it or not. I do need distance from him and us. But I guess in the meantime, I'll just be broke, alone... and homeless," I hoarsely said.

"You are not homeless," Collin mocked the word with a roll of his eyes. "We said you can stay here with us for however long you need. 'Till you figure your shit out. Whatever it is, we're here for you."

When Jax nodded along, I shifted my eyes over to him. "Totally. We're all family," he added.

For the second time, a smile came out of nowhere. I deprived myself of feeling any kind of emotion the second I could grab onto the fact that I was breaking up with Gus, so a real smile felt strange to me. And a smile feeling strange was a sad, sad thing.

"Thanks, guys. That means a lot, but I didn't think this all the way through. You're kind of at capacity here. I don't wanna be a burden, crashing here and taking up too much space," I spoke quickly, throwing the words away as an afterthought.

Dumping every single problem I had on my friends was the last thing I wanted to do. I'd rather suffer alone and quietly than make anyone else's life difficult. If I could potentially handle something on my own, I would.

I was a People Pleaser, no doubt about it. But I also had a fear of being a liability to others, and I'd sooner die than be one for Collin or Jax.

When I picked my head up, they were both looking at me like I was missing something.

"What?" I pressed.

Collin scoffed and shook his head. "Seb moved out last week. I told you this."

"He did?" I gasped, my mouth popping open in shock.

"Yes, but obviously you don't listen when I talk," he muttered. I rolled my eyes, but didn't deny it. "Him and Elena got a place by the art museum. His room's all yours for now."

I had known for quite a few months now that he was planning on moving out to get a place of his own with his girlfriend, but apartment hunting in the city was a bitch. Trying to find a big enough space that wasn't too outrageously priced with whatever accommodations you had in mind was unheard of. I figured Seb wouldn't be moving out for at least another year or so, but he was always a mysterious character that had a way of making things work in his favor.

Apparently, I'd known that he moved out, too. Between me never listening to Collin and my mental state in the worst place its ever been, that information went in one ear and out the other.

In their row home, Seb had the third floor to himself, complete with an en suite powder room, a decent-sized closet, and absolute authority over the window that had access to the roof. Collin and Jax's bedrooms and the full bathroom were on the second floor, which left the kitchen, the dining room, and the living room on the first floor.

It wasn't my apartment that I loved with every bit of my heart, but it was a pretty ideal setup for the time being. I couldn't complain even if I wanted to. I could be homeless, I could cry wolf about my breakup and go back to Gus, or I could stay with Collin.

"Are you... are you serious?" I stammered.

"Hell yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" Collin chuckled like that was the most ridiculous thing I could've asked.

Collapsing back into the couch with utter relief, I sighed, "You guys are lifesavers."

"I know," Collin said, and Jax snorted. "I'll email Fletcher this week and let him know we have a temporary third tenant. And a dog. But listen, we already posted online that we're looking for a new roommate so if we find somebody else that wants the room, we'll have to figure something out for you. Hopefully that won't be an issue, though."

"I get it." I nodded. "Let me know how much rent you want from me, or anything at all. You're literally saving my life so I owe you something."

Collin shook his head and dismissively waved his hand. "Don't worry about that. Money's tight, and you're not yourself. We'll get there but for now, just work on you."

All I could do was smile, and thank whoever brought Collin into my life.

Just when I opened my mouth to ask if they had a bottle of wine (which I should have known the answer was going to be no – they were hipster boys and wine wasn't their thing), my phone buzzed where it laid on the coffee table next to Jax's laptop. All of our eyes latched onto it.

Gus' name, followed by the black heart emoji, appeared. He was calling me.

That was just the very beginning of the slew of notifications from him that caused my phone to ring off the hook almost every hour of every day for the next week.

〰️〰️〰️

- welp guys, it's real. the last chapter was not a dream. gus and bayla are really done-zo. rip. is anyone else as sad as i am??? like tf bitch you wrote the damn story you control what happens so you have no business being upset???? smh at me.

this was kind of a boring chapter but it just sets some groundwork for what's to come. originally, i wanted to do a good ole fast-forward time jump thing with this chapter, but i resisted (that's my oh so famous move i do it in all of my stories i should be banned from fast-forwarding but i caN'T STOP). i figured there needed to be some closure in between and not just like a "hey they broke up ok NEXT!!!!" you know?? anyway, thoughts on this chapter??? collin is an actual angel and i love him and need him to be my friend?? jax is just really cute and i hope you didn't forget about him??? how long will bayla actually last living in that house with 2 boys??? yikes man idk but i guess we'll find out!!

i'm gonna be working a lot this summer and doing fun things (hopefully) so i'm not sure how much time i'll have to write but i'm gonna try my best! i need my writing mojo back ASAP. i miss this site. i'm on here every minute of the day or i go AWOL and y'all probably think i died. alas i am still here. alive and sort of thriving just trying to get by one day at a time ya heard!!!??! also i would really love to enter this story into the wattys but then i gotta write a summary and like i just... hate doing those. i'm not good at them ok they're my worst nightmare. me + summaries is like gus + bayla. it's no bueno.

ok i gotta stop i'm delusional and annoying. hope you're better than i am. thanks for reading this shit. LOVE YA LOTS.

xoxo, sabbbycat