i know that i'm never, ever gonna change

and you know you don't want it

any other w a y

〰️〰️〰️

There had to have been something seriously wrong for me not to look forward to the weekend. It was the only true free time I had, so for me to dread it meant I wasn't myself.

I hadn't been myself since Wednesday night; since Gus told me he was going to miss my work party, which led to our blowout over my feelings towards marriage. We hardly spoke for the remainder of the week and if we did, it was like we were each other's worst enemies. Frigid and falling into a screaming match about any minuscule thing that irritated us, whether it was something the dog did or a basic forgotten task by one of us. We were the worst neighbors to have in an apartment complex, but we couldn't stop.

We weren't us. We weren't good.

The last thing I wanted to do was go to this Christmas party. I was in no mood to drink, to be around people, or to act like I was happy. If it didn't consist of me curled up on the couch with my dog, wearing a baggy t-shirt, binge-watching Netflix shows and eating Doritos, I wanted no part of it.

Therefore, it took me too long to get back into the mindset of pretending everything was okay so I could go muster up the strength to go to the party. Slapping on a smile and mocking happiness was something I'd become so good at over the years that it should've been second nature to me.

I was in too deep at this point.

Most of Saturday was exactly as I described before, with fake nacho cheese dust everywhere and a dent in the couch from where I'd been sitting for hours. It was five o'clock before I knew it and I was freaking the fuck out.

I was racing around my apartment, doing my best to get ready as fast as humanly possible. Ziggy was lounging on my bed without a single care in the world about what I was doing. Gus had been in New York for the last thirty-six hours and I hadn't spoken to him since the morning. It was the only conversation we'd had this week that didn't erupt into some sort of draining dispute.

We had a very brief phone call when I woke up, which was because he had called me. He was about to leave his hotel room for the day, then he wouldn't have too much free time between the conference and meeting after meeting. He was nervous for a dinner with the CEO of the company he worked for, but I told him he'd be fine because he would be. Gus was always fine.

On the other hand, I was unenthused at the thought of this party and no one could pay me enough money to leave my apartment. He told me I'd be fine too. I didn't believe it.

By the time it was fifteen minutes to seven o'clock – the deadline for when I had to leave so I'd get to the party on time – I was practically ready. My hair was curled, my makeup was done, so all I had to do was change my clothes.

Just as I was about to step into my dress, my phone rang.

Collin's name and a hideous screenshot of his face from Snapchat popped up on the screen. I swiped to answer and balanced the phone between my shoulder and my ear.

"What's up?" I asked, carefully sliding the dress up my torso.

"Are you gonna kill me if I change my mind about coming to this shindig with you?"

"Yes."

He groaned.

Collin was the only other person I could think of to bring as my plus-one to the Christmas party. Besides Gus, there wasn't anyone else I'd want to bring with me. He wasn't thrilled about it, but I sold him on the fact that it'd be a night of free drinks and food because he absolutely hated dressing up.

His wardrobe was full of thrift-store flannels, bizarre vintage graphic t-shirts, a whole lot of denim, and desert boots or skater sneakers. He owned one, single suit that he called his "all-purpose suit" and he wore it whenever an occasion called for it.

This was one of those few occasions.

"I know you don't want to go, but neither do I," I said, setting my phone down so I could adjust the diamond strap of the dress around my neck. It was easy to think Gus could've been here to help me, but I shook that thought away and eventually got it secured myself. I picked my phone back up and sighed into the mouthpiece, "Misery loves company. At least we'll have each other."

"I'm having a bad hair day and I cut myself shaving today. It's under my jaw though, so you can't really see it. I could have you put some makeup on it and–"

"Collin!" I snarled out of nowhere. Another sign that I wasn't feeling myself because I hardly ever acted like that towards him. "Get fucking dressed and get over here. I don't care what you wear anymore, we just need to leave pronto. If I'm late, then I'm definitely gonna kill you."

He was silent. I sighed. Then someone knocked on the door to my apartment.

"Sorry," I muttered on my way out of my bedroom. "I'm not in a good place right now. Didn't mean to take it out on you."

Before he could answer I swung open the door, wondering who it could be since I wasn't expecting anyone but the long-overdue arrival of my best friend.

Sure enough, Collin was standing there, leaning against the doorframe with a crooked grin. He glanced down at himself and smoothed out a lapel on his jacket with the hand that wasn't holding his phone to his ear.

"I think it's about time I retire this guy and get a new all-purpose suit. This one is starting to feel worn out."

A relieved smile made its way onto my face. The expression felt so foreign to me anymore.

"You're ridiculous," I chuckled, stepping aside to let him in.

He hung up his phone and I did the same. After I shut the door, we both gave each other a once-over and nodded our heads in approval.

"You look nice," came out of my mouth at the same time Collin told me, "you look great."

We laughed to ourselves. Typical.

I retreated back into my bedroom so I could finish getting ready because at this rate, we might just make it on time.

"This is the dress I was telling you about. The one Donatella made," I called out from where I sat on the edge of the bed, slipping on my simple, strappy gold heels. The color of them matched the dress as if I bought the two items together in a set, so I figured I was meant to wear them.

Collin appeared just outside the door to my bedroom, his hands in the pockets of his slim black suit pants and his eyes on the floor.

Though the suit was worn out like he said, it still fit him like a glove. The black bowtie completed the whole look. He looked like an entirely different person when he was dressed so formally, but he worked it quite well. His blonde locks that were never worn any other way besides tousled and free down to his chin were uncharacteristically slicked back. It showed off his face a little more, which was painfully flawless in every way. I always told him if photography never worked out, he could be a model with no problem.

"It's cool. Really sparkly, that's for sure," he finally commented on my dress. He took a hand out of his pocket and scratched at his jaw. I noticed the nick where he cut himself shaving and smirked to myself.

"I still can't believe she just gave it to me. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but whatever. I should be grateful considering it's about the only thing that's worked out for me recently," I mumbled the last part under my breath, but of course Collin still heard me.

As I buckled the ankle strap on my other heel and stood up, he shot me a look of mock insult. "I thought me agreeing to be your date to this thing would pretty much change your life, but if you're not grateful, I'll just leave," he retorted as he crossed his arms.

"Cry me a river."

My lack of compassion for his heroic act made him scoff like I'd truly offended him.

I threw on my fluffy black faux-fur coat, grabbed my purse, said goodbye to Ziggy, and headed to the door to leave. When I glanced back, Collin was exactly where I left him, standing outside my bedroom with his jaw dropped.

"You coming or what? The free food isn't gonna last too long," I yelled to him before stepping out of my apartment and walking towards the elevators.

Collin was by my side in a second. I could say it was because he was my best friend and he'd never let me down, but it was most definitely for the free food.

〰️〰️〰️

The first person I saw when Collin and I got to the hotel and walked into the main ballroom was Frankie, one of Donatella's sample cutters. She noticed me, let out a head-turning gasp, and left her husband who was waiting for a drink at the bar.

"You look beautiful!" She squealed upon reaching me, grabbing my hands and kissing both of my cheeks. I forced out a smile as she gave my outfit a thorough inspection, her eyes lighting up when she asked, "What is on your body? I need it in my life."

"It's a one of a kind," I answered modestly and glanced away from her.

"That means Donatella made it," she sighed, "You're such a lucky bitch. It looks like it was made for you."

I just shrugged a shoulder and turned to introduce Collin to her with the same fake smile on my face.

Most of my coworkers knew Gus and if they hadn't met him, they were familiar with the idea of him and our relationship. Collin turning up to the party as my date was definitely a shock, but in a way it'd take my mind off of how much I didn't want to be there. I'd spend most of the night introducing him to people and having him carry on conversations like it was his job.

Frankie brought us over to the bar with her, where her husband held a glass of Scotch in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other. While she stole the latter from him and chatted with Collin about his life, I ordered us drinks and watched the bartender make them. I was the least bit interested in what he was doing behind the bar, but it kept me from participating in any conversation.

As soon as he handed over our two Old Fashioned's, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

My eyes met with Nadia's tanned face when I swiveled around, her white teeth beaming at me. I didn't even get a chance to say anything before she swaddled me into a hug.

"I'm so happy to see you," she said into my hair. She pulled away from me since I couldn't really hug her because I was still holding mine and Collin's drinks, and I watched her eyes widen as they scanned me from head to toe. "That dress is a dream."

"You look stunning, are you kidding?" I gawked at her.

Her floor-length black tulle gown with a plunging, borderline scandalous neckline would make anyone stop and stare. It had me sincerely wondering how she wasn't the center of everyone's attention. I almost didn't recognize her with her hair pin-straight and her makeup smoky, but deep down, she was still the same old Nadia.

I swear, she could've worn a trash bag and looked like a fucking movie star. It was so unfair.

"Ah, thanks. I've had this dress picked out for months so I would hope it looks good," she uttered with a dismissive wave of her hand. I watched her eyes switch from my gaze to somewhere behind me, narrowing slightly in thought. "Gus looks different."

I rolled my eyes, but she laughed because she knew Collin wasn't Gus. She knew about our fight and how he wasn't going to come with me. She just had to spite me in some way because what were friends really for?

"That's Collin. My best friend." I jerked my head in a way to gesture to him since my hands were full.

She grabbed onto my arm and pulled me aside, glancing over my shoulder at him again. Even in her platform heels, I still towered over her.

"He's cute. Gorgeous, actually. Why have I never met him before?" She questioned, seeming baffled by this.

"Easy, tiger. I don't want Jeremiah getting jealous," I joked.

At the mention of her boyfriend, she cheekily grinned. "He'll be fine. He knows he has me wifed up. Doesn't hurt to look at some eye candy, though."

Shaking my head, I took a swig of my drink and was instantly hit over the head with the taste of whiskey. Old Fashioned's were known to be a stronger drink of choice, which was why they were my favorite. It seemed this bartender knew not to skimp on the alcohol. A couple more and I'd be as hammered as Gus was at his Uncle Rodney's funeral.

Collin popped up at my side then, gently taking his drink out of my hand and tossing back his first sip.

It led to a coughing fit.

"Did you ask for a glass of straight whiskey?" He struggled to speak without choking.

"Nah. My man just knows I like my drinks strong." I smirked at him, downing another mouthful before turning to the beauty standing opposite of us. "This is Nadia. She's pretty much the only way I stay sane at work."

"You're damn right I am," she teasingly said with a smile that turned into a look of captivation once her eyes were on Collin. "It is so nice to meet you. Bayla talks about you a lot. Says you're her right-hand man."

"Really?" Collin's eyebrows shot up in amusement. "I like to think I'm more of a lifesaver, but I guess I'll accept that title, too."

Nadia giggled, claiming then that he had to meet her boyfriend because she thought they'd get along great. Which they would – Jeremiah was thirty-five and the proud owner of a south Philly barbershop, but Collin could make friends with basically anyone. He was too sweet not to like. Then again, I guess I was a little biased because he was my best friend.

We spent the entirety of the party with Nadia and Jeremiah. We ate and drank too much. We danced our asses off and were probably the four most fun people in the whole building.

I saw Donatella for about two minutes because she wanted to see the dress on me before someone else got her attention. No one ever saw much of her at the Christmas party anyway so I predicted our exchange to be quick, and it was. We got a photo, she kissed my cheek and thanked me for bringing her design to life, and then she was gone.

The party was a lot better than I expected. I wasn't as miserable as I thought I'd be. With the help of some whiskey and friends, I was instantly out of my slump. I felt like myself again.

Could've just been the alcohol. Or because for once, I wasn't spending every second of the night and every ounce of energy I had arguing with someone.

Despite the Bayla that I (and everyone else in my life) knew and loved came back for a couple of hours, it didn't change anything. My problems that clung to me like smoke on clothes only cleared for a little while. They'd come again with all the strength of a brand new fire.

I was happy, momentarily. And I couldn't help but wish that Gus was beside me through it.

〰️〰️〰️

Extra weight sinking into the mattress of my bed that wasn't myself nor Ziggy brought me out of my comatose state.

Had I not been brutally hungover, I would've had a more concerned reaction. Instead, I let an arm slither across my waist and cracked open my eye that wasn't buried in a pillow.

I didn't need a reason to be concerned. I knew exactly who it was.

"Hi," Gus rasped in my ear.

I grunted for a greeting and shut my eyes again.

He pulled me closer to him, his front along my back, our legs intertwined. "How was the party?"

"Good," I croaked, that being the first word I'd spoken in hours. I cleared my throat before asking, "How was New York?"

"Awesome. Think I might get promoted soon."

I yawned, nuzzling my head deeper into my pillow. "That's good."

"Yeah. Missed you."

My eyes fluttered open at the softness of his voice. I found myself staring at our haphazard closet that was directly in my line of vision, my dress from Donatella hanging over top of the ajar door.

Our bedroom was dark. The only source of light were the amber stripes scattered across our floor from the morning sun trickling in through the blinds of our windows. They dipped and followed the shape of the clothes were lying on the floor; they outlined the hills of our legs that were hidden by the comforter of our bed.

It was peaceful in here. For once.

"I'm fuckin' pissed I didn't get to see you in that dress," he said, like he was reading my mind. Always. "The pictures weren't enough."

"Too bad," I mumbled, smirking to myself.

Gus chuckled, the sound sleepy and melodic to my ears. He tightened his grip on me a bit and I felt his lips on the side of my neck.

"Collin didn't even budge when I walked in. Did you guys drink that much?"

Yes.

I hummed in thought like I was trying to remember the night. My head tilted up towards the ceiling for an added musing effect, but I couldn't hide the smile that was spreading across my face at a recap of the party.

Collin and Jeremiah dancing together to "Don't Stop Believin'". Collin almost losing his bowtie after we finally found our Uber in a sea of random cars in the street. The two of us arm in arm wobbling into the lobby of my building, pressing the wrong floor number in the elevator, and taking ten minutes to find my damn keys. Me changing into an oversized t-shirt almost immediately while Collin collapsed onto my couch in his suit and was knocked out in a record-breaking three seconds.

"You could say that," I concluded.

He swept his lips along my neck, until he pushed aside some stray hairs with his nose and kissed just beneath my ear. I was tired, and weak in every sense of the word, so I melted at the gesture and felt myself falling back into a pit of Gus.

I shifted in his arms so our faces met, his slightly hovering over mine as he propped himself up a bit. His eyes raked over what was my ghastly complexion from all the alcohol I'd consumed, accented with streaks of leftover mascara underneath my lower lashes when I'd been too lazy with taking my makeup off earlier.

He looked showered and shaved. Well-rested. Content. That sapphire gaze was deceivingly a brighter shade of blue than I could ever remember. What was typically cold and stony was now crystalline. A glass gateway to whatever he was thinking and yet I was too drowsy to make sense of it.

"As long as you had fun. Hopefully not too much without me, though," Gus whispered, as his hand that was around my waist dipped under my t-shirt that actually belonged to him.

"Never," I breathed.

A corner of his mouth quirked up. He leaned down to kiss me and I let his lips reach mine. One thing led to another and I wasn't sure if I was falling or flying anymore.

So weak. I am so fucking weak.

〰️〰️〰️

- she's back! she's alive! both literally from my trip and also from the dead (writing-wise)! tbh i had this chapter planned out but i also... didn't, so i'm sorry if it's a mess. it could be better but it could be worse. i'm just trying to catch up and get ahead of myself on these chapters so i'm not panicking to update constantly (even tho i'm definitely doing that anyway).