I'll find a way to get through

Dear Mommy,

I miss you.

I thought long and hard about what I would say to you today but still nothing comes to mind but those three words.

I miss your voice, your smile, the way you'd call my name when you were angry with me and Amir. I miss going to the beach with you and swimming for hours. I miss drinking coconut rum and dancing to old school music with you. I miss your food. I just miss y-

I couldn't write anymore as tears plunged from my eyes onto my journal, causing the ink to spread throughout the paper.

For the first time in three years I cried for my mother. I didn't cry when she died and I never shedded a tear at her funeral.

But today, on the third anniversary of her death, the weakness that I hated so much came over me. And I cried for her.

I grew up with both of my parents in one home with my older brother Amir. My mom was a housewife and my dad was a lawyer.

I was so naive to think that my parents had the perfect marriage. At first they were always happy, spending time with each other, their kids and laughing. Then those laughs turned into screaming matches and our family movie nights turned into my dad coming home late with perfume on his clothing. All the while I watched my mom keep it together. I guess that's what black women do...keep shit together. She was still a good wife and an amazing mom, she never let us see her cry.

She never cried.

Not even when he left.

I was 15 and my brother had just turned 18. My dad came home like normal and I was at the table working on my biology homework.

My mom was in the kitchen making dinner when he stormed out of their bedroom with two suitcases and went to the front door . I heard the sound of a metal spoon clatter against a plate as she followed after him.

"So this is you're decision? HUH?! ANSWER ME JOHNATHAN!!" she screamed at him.

I got up from my seat and hid behind the pillar near them to eavesdrop.

He spoke calmly with a nonchalant expression on his face.

"I told you that I couldn't do it anymore Lilo. I'm not happy and they need me."

I saw her beautiful caramel face redden as anger built up inside her. She opened her mouth to scream at him again but it was like something came over her and she just stopped.

She looked at him with so much hatred in her eyes then turned towards me with softer ones.

"I won't beg you. I'm tired of begging you. But know this, I will never forgive you for what you're doing to Amir and Laya. I don't give a fuck bout what you do to me, but them?! I will never forgive you. You ain't even a man. You're less than one. "

She stared at him in anger and then spoke, "Laya say goodbye to your father."

I came out from behind the pillar fully, confusion written all over my face and laced in my voice.

"What do you mean? Why am I saying bye?! Where you going daddy? Mir isn't here yet and I thought we were all going to watch a movie on the veranda later. It's my turn to pick remember?"

My eyes started to tear up with every question asked. I didn't even know what was going on but I knew that I was going to hate it.

He looked at me briefly then turned away. His hands tightened around the handles on his suitcases before he spoke again, just confirming his choice.

"I love you." he said solemnly.

He didn't even look at me. He just went to his car and drove off.

I tried to run after him, still so confused on why he was leaving us. But before I could get to him, my mom caught me and pressed my body into hers.

"Where's he going? What did I do mommy? Call him and tell him I'm sorry, whatever it is I'm sorry. I promise to do good in school, I won't talk back anymore. I'll be a good daughter. I promise. Just make him comeback!", I sobbed over and over into her chest.

The pain of seeing my best friend leave me so willingly broke me. I guess that's when I learned to live with being alone. I was always a daddy's girl, and now he didn't want me. From that point on, in my mind, everyone was temporary. No one ever truly wanted me. I was always going to be someone's second choice.

It was best to keep people at arm's length.

She rubbed my back and quieted me. We both slid onto the cold wooden floor, her back against the open door frame, just holding me while I cried. The front door still open all that time.

The smell of burnt food filled the house and we watched day turn to night in that same position.

"Never beg a man to stay when he wants to leave. You hear me Laya? You don't need them, you are so much without them. Remember to complete yourself before trying to complete someone else." she said while kissing my forehead.

I just nodded my head slowly and stared out the door while salty tears rolled down my face.

A little while after that I found out from my aunt that my father had a whole other family with two kids. They were moving to London and he decided to go with them.

I never understood why and I didn't try to.

After he left, we struggled a lot. My mommy worked her ass to death. She had took on two small jobs as a clinic receptionist and a store clerk. She managed to keep my brother and I in private school, we always had a meal on the table and clothes on our backs. But things weren't the same without my father.

Amir went on to study law in London. He and my father still have some kind of relationship. Meanwhile, I haven't talked to him since he left and that was nearly eight years ago.

My freshman year of college, my mom was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. I tried to come home to take care of her, so that she wouldn't be alone. But she wasn't having it.

By the end of my sophomore year her condition worsened and her body rejected all treatment. She died on April 13th. I was just glad that I was able to spend spring break with her. I remember laying in her lap while we were at the beach. I was able to convince her to go swimming with me. Her hair was gone and she wore a simple scarf to cover her head. She was so skinny and frail. All of her beautiful curves lost to the cancer. But she had so much color on her. Her nails were bright red, her lips were masked with pink lip gloss and she wore the most beautiful sundress.

We just listened to the waves and talked about my future plans to rule the world.

She'd always laugh and say, "The world betta watch out for you". And she meant it too. She created strong, resilient children. And I had to remember that.

I cried silently on the balcony attached to my room. I was wrapped in a fluffy blanket just bawling my eyes out in the middle of the city.

I was interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing. I really wanted to ignore it but, I forced myself to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Laya girl I hope you're getting ready. I'm picking you up you up at 10:00", Brielle screamed in my ear.

Shit I forgot we were supposed to be going out for Nene's birthday. I bought her a gift and everything. I searched my mind to come up with some bullshit ass excuse as to why I couldn't go. I wasn't even in the mood anymore.

I sniffled then replied, "Bri I don't know if-"

"Hell no, Laya whatever your excuse is, I don't accept it. You need this outing girl. Actually why are you sniffing? What's wrong? You crying? Wait you never cry! Whose ass I gotta beat?"

I laughed a little and replied, "Today's the 13th Bri. I'm just missing her a little more this year that's all."

"Ohh Laya baby. I'm sorry. But you shouldn't be cooped up in that room by yourself. Please come out babe. She wouldn't want you there sulking."

I thought about it for a while. She was right. My mom was always trying to get me out the house to socialize.

"Alright I'll come", I finally gave in.

"Yayyy we gonna get ya ass drunk. I wanna see you back that ass up on a few real niggas and-"

"No ma'am I didn't say I'd do alla that. But I'll be there." I replied with a hint of humor in my voice.

"Whatever just hurry up and get ready. AND WEAR A DRESS"

She hung up before I could respond. She knows I hate wearing dresses.

I got up from my spot on the balcony and folded the blanket up.

My throat was dry and I had a headache from crying all day, so I decided to go to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and some aspirin before getting ready.

As I walked out I saw East sitting at the kitchen island texting vigorously. I waltzed passed him and opened the fridge.

"Wassup Laya, you can't speak now?", he asked with a smirk.

I gave him a small smile and replied "Hey East" before trying to walk back to my room.

He stopped me by grabbing a hold of my hand and pulling me towards him.

"What I tell you about calling me that shit", he asked gruffly as his tongue darted out to lick his bottom lip.

"What's wrong witchu?", his thick brows furrowed and his handsome face showed concern.

"Ya eyes all red ma. You been crying?"

His hand moved to my face as his thumb wiped a stray tear from my eye.

I hung my head, a bit embarrassed that someone saw me at my most vulnerable. I felt his fingers touch the bottom of my chin, pushing my head up to look at him.

"I'm alright. Just missing someone a bit more today", I said while giving him a half smile.

Suddenly both of his hands found my waist and he pulled me even closer to him. Now I was standing between his legs as he sat on the stool.

I felt warm inside. I was the type of person who never liked people touching me. I needed my personal space. But for some reason I didn't mind when he did it.

"Who you missing? You wanna talk about it?"

"My mommy and nah. Maybe I'll tell you about her another time. I have to get ready."

He looked at me for a minute longer. His face still showing concern and his forehead creasing as if he was thinking about what he was going to say next.

Then his hands slid from my waist, down my legging coated thighs, and over my hips. They were now rested at my side.

I didn't dare move from where I was standing. I was so nervous from him touching me. I was stuck in that small moment. I briefly imagined him touching me more, perhaps more intimately.

"Where we goin?", he finally spoke up while smirking.

Get it together Laya. This is your boss, maybe your friend, but your boss none the less.

I smirked at him slightly and said, "Well I'M going out, I don't know what you gonna be doing".

"So it's like that huh?"

I furrowed my brow in confusion. My tone hinted my amusement.

"It's always been like that. But I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta get ready."

"Lemme come watch"

I laughed and walked out of his embrace to my room.

/•/

"You did not tell me that this was a freaking strip club Brielle."

We were in the parking lot of Club 24th in Harlem. It wasn't until we pulled up that she mentioned that she had to get her money changed for the strippers.

"Bitch relax, you gon have fun. Besides it's Nene's birthday and this was the place she chose. And it's technically a regular club they just have strippers in cages and shit."

I sighed and threw myself back into my seat, trying to relax. I don't know why I'm freaking out. I just have to let loose and have fun. But not too much so I don't end up drunk off my ass again.

"Who's gonna be there?" I asked, my voice laced with worry.

"Girl will you fucking chill. It's gonna be me, you, Nene, Michelle, and her friend Angel and I think that's it."

Ugh now I really wanted to go home. Michelle, Nene's cousin was a problematic bitch that always had something dumb to say to me. Brielle didn't like her either. But we both tolerated her for Nene's sake.

"Don't worry about Michelle's dumbass. I'll fuck her ass up and blame it on the alcohol if she gets outta pocket." She exclaimed as she clipped her last heel.

"Besides you look good as shit. I mean look at you, your titties out and tittying. Your ass look extra fat and your stomach on flat. Who gon check you boo?!"

I laughed at her. This girl was so fucking dramatic. She made me take a bunch of pictures before we left and I had to swear that I would post them to my Instagram.

"Okay! Now that your ass is good and my ass is even better. Let's go please."

We walked from the crowded parking lot to the even more crowded door of the club. Surprisingly I saw Brielle hug the bouncer before he lifted the velvet rope allowing us to enter the venue.

Club 24th wasn't at all what I had thought it would be. What I had imagined was one of those ghetto clubs with the sticky tiled floors and flickering lights.

But this was more high end. Don't get me wrong it was still a club, with its tiled floors and dark interior. But there were three floors. The first one had bars lining every wall and a dance floor filled with people in the center. The second floor seemed to hug the wall with gold railings and I guess the top floor was the VIP lounge.

Brielle led me to a transparent glass elevator that took us all the way up to the third floor. We stepped out only to be stopped by a bouncer who asked for our names. After checking it on his list, he showed us to the VIP sections. There were two fully stocked bars and servers, velvet lounge booths and about four cage dancers who seemed to be making quite a bit of money.

"How did Nene get all this?", I semi screamed at Brielle.

The music was so loud that I wasn't sure that she would hear me.

"You know her daddy them got money but I think there's a waitlist for this place. She knows the manager or sumn" she shrugged.

I nodded my head and followed closely behind her through the wave of people until we got to our section.

"Laya is that you girl?" Nene beamed as she got up to hug me and Bri.

Nene has been my friend for almost two years. We weren't as close as Brielle and I but I loved her nonetheless. She was originally from Barbados but lived in Canada with her parents. Her tall and slender figure stretched over the table and she wrapped me in her arms before looking at me. She looked amazing herself. Her dress fitted her form perfectly and the jewel toned color looked amazing against her skin.

"Yes and Happy Birthday Babe!", I hugged her back and slipped her the small Gucci bag that contained her gift.

"You guys know my cousin Michelle and that's her friend Angel." Nene said introducing us to everyone else that was sitting down.

I nodded my head at Michelle, she knows I don't fuck with her. Angel lifted her head from her phone and looked at me before grabbing Michelle and going to the first floor. It was then that I noticed who Angel was, she was ant body from Dave's penthouse last week.

Great this is gonna be fun.

A few minutes later I was nursing the vodka and cran in my hand while I listened to Bri and Nene rave about their baecations. All I could do was nod and smile because I couldn't relate to anything they were saying.

"Girl I can't wait to go home and fuck the shit out of him after this", Bri yelled over the music.

Yup that's what tonight would entail. These two taken girls would probably dance for a little while and get drunk of their asses only for them to call their men to pick them up, ending the night early. That meant I'd be stuck with hoe number 1 and 2 unless I called an Uber.

"Nine vodka shots and a henny on ice for the table" the server said breaking up our conversation.

"Who are these from? I asked Nene.

"I ordered them. Now drink up!" Bri chimed in.

We downed all the shots and Bri pushed the glass of Hennessy towards me. "That's for you to loosen up. We're here to have fun. You're not sitting here the entire night and I fucking mean that."

I rolled my eyes at her and sipped the Hennessy. How does anyone drink this shit, it's disgusting. She watched me pointedly until all of it was gone.

"Good now bring your ass and go dance." Nene exclaimed before heading to the VIP dance floor.

It wasn't that I didn't know how to dance. I'm from the Caribbean so whining and tic tocking is in my blood. It's just that I'm uncomfortable doing it in front of other people.

The Dj's mixed turned into a reggae beat and Popcaan's My Type blasted through the speakers. Bri gave me a knowing look because this was my fucking song. I knew it word for word.

I began singing the lyrics and slowly whining my hips to the beat.

"Cock up gyal whine fi mi. Mi have plans for your tight punny..."

I did exactly what the song said and bent down to arch my back and tic tok. I felt a body move behind me and strong hands grab my waist as they moved with me.

I didn't know who it was but they were a decent dancer.

Tonight might not be so bad after all.

_____________

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(Missing You by Brandy, Tamia, Gladys Knight)