《Wasn't looking for love till I found you.》33| Apologies and Forgiveness.
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It seemed as though time had stood still. Everything around me was silent, yet there was a growing agony in my heart.
Luke froze, his eyes glistened, he remained gazing at my stomach and paled, he let out a soft cry.
''Tell me, I didn't do it," he whispered, staring into my eyes, his eyes begging for a negative answer.
"You were intoxicated," I gulped, a knot forming in my throat, "and it was midnight when you knocked on my door and accused me of cheating on you."
"Stop," he whispered.
"You were swearing and yelling at me," I recall that day vividly; it's as though, as much as I want to forget it, I know I'll never be able to.
"Please, stop," he pleaded.
"Why Luke?" I chuckled, "didn't you just say I wouldn't accept you? Well, guess what? When you shattered glass and tossed it on me, I fucking accepted you. I fucking did, when you called me vulgar names, and I still fucking did even when you walked out without tending me- without checking to see whether I was alright with so much bleeding. And I worried the entire night about you, wondering if you were okay if you had safely reached the dorm. Including when you phoned the next day and seemed completely normal, asking about my night, I assumed you had forgotten about it, so I never brought it up again to avoid hurting you!"
"Fuck!" he yelled, tears streaming down his cheeks, he clutched his face in his hands and screamed as his body shook.
We cried in one other's presence for a long time, and even though he couldn't look me in the eyes, I knew it was time to let go. It was time to let go and start over.
"I forgive you," I say after a while. Because of dehydration, my throat stung.
He doesn't say anything but raises his head to stare at me, with swollen, red eyes.
"I don't deserve it, Eli, I don't," he says quietly.
"You don't," I nod, "but that doesn't mean I can't"
He doesn't say anything else, so I continue.
''Maybe you had anger issues, and maybe you did inflict physical and emotional harm on me, but Luke, I don't believe I can blame the whole thing on you-''
''Don't, don't fucking take half of my fault," he says quietly but agitated.
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''I am not, but I was trying to convey that I was not capable of being a decent girlfriend-''
''Fuck, you were the best girlfriend there ever was. Fuck, you're the nicest person I've ever met; you made me smile, and all the negative emotions in my messed-up head would leave the moment I would encounter your brown eyes. Your smile brightened my day, but it also reminded me of how I had been deceiving you for the last two years, and how much you didn't deserve it."
''But you never felt comfortable communicating with me, Luke," I replied softly.
''I won't say you were a great boyfriend, because you weren't. But I don't regret having you as one; I know, after that night, I should have left you; hell, if any other girl had faced something like that, I would have made sure to lock that guy up; but I don't know, Luke. What it was that drew me in. But I persisted. You know why?" he was deafeningly quiet. ''because I had found someone who would listen to me, understand me, and on whom I could rely and that is until you betrayed my trust. And maybe you're right, you were more of a best friend than a boyfriend, but that doesn't mean I didn't love you; I still do, and maybe the type of love that exists in movies and novels is something I'll never get to experience in real life."
We sat there in silence since he didn't say anything. The movie continued running, and it was getting close to the end.
''You know Eli," he said, ''that day when I saw you at the event and found out you were one of my employees, my screwed up head was thrilled that-that I would have you this time and that I would become the best boyfriend for you. But there was that night when Seb saved you and I couldn't, despite being there before him. That was the moment, I knew I didn't deserve you. You were one of the finest things in my life, Eli, and just as there are certain things you can only retain for a short time, you were that for me; and I am still glad-I am still glad, because I didn't even deserve that" I shake my head.
''don't'' I sigh and shake my head.
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''Whoever gets you is going to be a lucky man, Eli. And I'll always be envious of that person, but
I'll be pleased that you're happy," he whispered.
I had no idea I had started crying until tears began to fall from my eyes.
''Is that all I'm capable of? make you cry?" he chuckled as a tear streamed down his cheek.
"I'm sorry, Eli. I'm so fucking sorry," he rasped.
''I forgive you,"
"You shouldn't."
''Everyone deserves forgiveness, Luke, everyone who regrets their deeds," I shake my head.
''It was also my fault," I added.
''Eli-''
''No-no- just listen to what I'm saying. Whatever you did was wrong, and you don't get the ideal boyfriend batch," he chuckled, "but neither do I-"
"No-"
"don't interrupt me" I speak firmly, and he narrows his glistening eyes but remains silent.
''And you know why I don't? Because I didn't understand you, I didn't realize you were worried about not meeting my parents despite being in a relationship with me for three years. Even though you asked me a gazillion times about meeting my parents, I was stupid enough to realize that! Luke, you were always there for me, especially during those difficult times. ''
''I will always be there for you, Eli," he said tenderly, his face softly smiling.
We fall in silence, but it was an uncomfortable silence, and unexpectedly, I felt lighter, as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The film concluded with a scene in which Willy Wonka finally finds a loving family. It begs the question, why do people write happy endings?
Because we'll never have happy endings in life, will we?
Life goes on with sorrows and happiness, and we learn to live with it, just as I learned to let one past go, and while things appear to be a little better right now, I know the future is inevitable, and we cannot change it, so let's just sit back and relax to see what new surprises life has in store for us.
And now Luke is calling James and Logan to speak with me. He informed me that after our breakup, the boys, especially the three of them, drifted away, ''Luke, hey" Logan's deep voice greets us, and loud noises could be heard in the background.
''Hey Lo, wait a minute- James would be joining soon." Luke grinned as he looked at me, his eyes sparkling with joy.
''Does it matter?" Logan flatly asked. And I'm not going to lie, hearing him talk like that to Luke shocked me.
"Actually, it does," Luke said quietly.
''What's this lame-ass group call for?" James grunts as soon as he answers the phone, and before Luke can respond, I take the phone from him and start talking.
''Guys'' I swallow and clear my throat. The line fell silent, and if it hadn't been for Logan's background noise, I would have assumed we were disconnected.
''Elle? "Is that you?" James asks, his voice upbeat.
''Yep,'' As tears begin to stream, I giggle gently and wipe my eyes.
''Fuck''
And that's how I reconciled with them; even though I spoke less and listened more, I knew it wouldn't be easy for me to talk to them as we used to, and I'm sure they're aware of it. As they kept apologizing, I kept reminding them that I had left the past.
After hanging off the phone, Luke tells me what it's like to work as a CEO, and just like that, time passes and the sun quickly drowns out, turning the moon up.
We were talking about something when my stomach grumbled. Luke let out an amused chuckle when he heard that, ''don't laugh." I muttered as I stood up and walked out of the living room.
"Where are you going?" he chuckled as he trailed behind me.
"Making something," I said as I took out the flour. He nodded and leaned against the doorway, striking a stance that reminded me of Sebastian and the first time we met.
I averted my gaze, cleared my throat, and began babbling about Gordon Ramsey's cooking or how Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid look nice together. I continued bouncing from topic to topic, and Luke, as usual, kept nodding and adding stuff. We were laughing over something, and Luke simply gazed at us, which made me ask, "What?" I chuckled as I mixed the flour.
''Nothing, I just missed you,"
I didn't say anything and kept silent. I didn't know how to respond, and before he could say anything further,
''Am I interrupting something?" A very familiar voice asks standing behind Luke.
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