《FIRST YOU HAVE TO FINISH - F1 ONE-SHOTS》LN; I feel lonely when I'm not

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It wasn't hard to lose track of what he was saying, he tends to ramble a lot. He knows that, but lately it felt like everything he said was going straight through everyone's head.

Never anyone that was actually paying attention to the words flowing out of his mouth and it sometimes made him feel invisible. Like he didn't even exist and everything was just in his head, maybe it was. He couldn't be sure anymore.

Not when he could never seem to actually focus on anything. His vision blurring around the edges, head fuzzy like he was well into his third glass of alcohol even though he was completely sober.

He tried to ground himself. Tried to stop himself from floating all the time, but every time he looked at his fingers he could see them shaking and he could have sworn they weren't. He didn't feel like they were anyway and he couldn't stop wondering if they even were his own fingers he was looking at.

He tried so hard to focus on everything. He could see how their lips were moving, but he didn't hear anything. All he could hear was the frantically thumping of a heart in his ears, was it even his heart? He couldn't tell if his heart was even beating anymore.

Nothing felt real.

He didn't feel real and all he could do was pretend to exist even though it felt pointless. Just like everything did these days.

Even trying felt pointless.

Trying to pretend everything was fine.

Trying to pretend he existed.

Trying to get help.

It all felt pointless.

Carlos gave him worried glances once in a while. He would say his name as though he was trying to convince him he was still here.

People used his name a lot around him lately, like they were reminding him that they were talking to him.

He knew that they were, but he couldn't seem to focus. Head fuzzy, vision blurry, floating and the constant feeling that he wasn't real.

Maybe he should stop lying to Carlos whenever he asked he was okay.

He wasn't, but that's okay too.

It won't last forever and the cry for help was on the tip of his tongue.

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