It has been 2 hours, 14 minutes, and 26, 27, 28, 29- you're getting sidetracked, anyway, that's how long it's been since you last cried. Usually, you don't cry that much in a day, okay lets be honest, yeah you do. You have been single your entire life and at this point, it's started to have an impact on your self esteem. The fact that no one has ever wanted to date you is really hitting you right in the feels. You had tried everything you could possibly think of in order to get a boyfriend. You had used many different dating apps, you had tried asking out all of your friends' exes, you had tried asking out all of your friends, you had tried soliciting random men on the street, you had even tried humping deer in the woods in hopes that someone would find it attractive. Yet, for some reason, no one has ever loved you.

It was a cold February day as you walked down the busy streets of New York City. You were doing your best not to cry as you saw couple after couple snuggling and kissing. There was no reason for so many people to be rubbing their relationships in your face. It was just unfair! You walked past a man in some baggy clothes, chains, long brown hair, a long brown beard. You just brushed him off. That was until he started glowing. Like, literally glowing. You turned around and approached the man. No one else seemed to notice that this guy was LEGITIMATELY GLOWING.

You thought you had recognised the man, and before you could get your thoughts under control, you blurted out, "Jesus?"

"I don't really go by that name no more, dawg, I go by lil' jeezy now."

"Lil' Jeezy?" You asked, obviously confused. I mean, you had every right to be. You just met THE Jesus Christ and he was going by a weird rapper name now???

"Yee Yee, Bruh. You got a problem wit dat?" He spoke... strangely. Definitely not like he was 2052 years old. You wondered why he was there in the first place. Wasn't he supposed to like, be in heaven or something?

"Oh! Uh, n-no," you stuttered a bit. I mean who could blame you? You were literally speaking to jesus. "Why are you here on earth instead of in heaven?" 

"Oh yeah, my pops sent me here to 'restore peace and order within the people and spread his word' or whatevs, but I think it's so much more fun to do the things I love. Like I have recently discovered that I love rapping and BDSM."

Okay. That was probably way too much information, but you couldn't just stay mad at Jesus, could you? "That sounds great. I was wondering if maybe I could help you on your mission for the church?" Jesus got on his knees and started worshipping you. "What are you doing?" You asked.

"I'm thanking you. I really need someone to help me with some stuff."