inspired by a line from the last Stucky oneshot from

you should go read that book. It's the good kush

1644

: angst, legitimately no plot just Steve's rant. In my head there's more context with mutual pinning and months of Steve cock blocking Bucky and Bucky thinking Steve doesn't trust him and that's why he doesn't let him go out to bars alone but I don't feel like writing the rest of the story so here's the climax instead.

"Well, hey, if you wanna head back to my place-"

"I'm sorry m'am, but I'm gunna have to cut in here." Steve smiled as disingenuously as possible at the small brunette across the table in the coffee shop. He turned to address his friend.

"C'mon Bucky, let's go."

Steve stood up just as quickly as he had sat down not a minute before and started walking out the door, assuming Bucky was at his side.

"What the hell was that, Steve?"

Steve was tugged around to face his raging friend.

"What?" He asked stupidly.

"Don't 'what' me, Rogers. Why the hell are you scaring away any girl I talk to? And why are you even here? I thought you were going to SHIELD HQ for the day?"

"Nat said I didn't have to come in so I came to join you," he replied with total innocence. He turned to continue the walk home but Bucky acted faster.

"Bullshit. That's the third time you've pulled this shit. Why are you keeping me away from girls?"

He held Steve in place by his forearm.

"C'mon Bucky we can talk about this at home." He tried to leave again, Bucky the metal grip was inescapable.

"Damn it, stop treating me like a child, Rogers!"

"Bucky, I'm just trying to hel-"

"No! Stop it! I'm a grown ass man! I don't need to be babied! I'm not gunna get kidnaped going to some dames apartment. I can go out in the world without you trailing around trying to be my babysitter and bodyguard and fucking full time nanny! Do you really think I can't protect myself? Or do you think I'll snap and run back to Hydra? Huh? Why can't you let me alone!"

Steve swallowed and set his jaw. He nodded stiffly, lips sealed together.

He was right, Steve wasn't being fair. That girl didn't do anything wrong. She didn't pose a threat. None of them did. Not the one at the bar last night. Not the one working the front desk at the gym. Not the countless waitresses that left their numbers on napkins or Starbucks employees that left them on plastic cups.

"Okay, fine." He rubbed his hand over his scruff. It wasn't fair. Steve should have been able to control his emotions. He did it for 23 years before. But he had to back then. And now-

Well legally there was no problem with the feelings that came around when Bucky laid across his lap during movie night or stripped down to his trunks and dove into the water when they visited the beach.

Beside him Bucky grew somber as he cooled down. He released Steve arm.

Ironically the movement had the opposite effect on Steve, who reacted with spiteful fire.

"Okay, let's do this. You wanna know why, Buck? Why I won't leave you alone? Why I scare girls away at bars, huh?"

"Stevie, it's fine. I'm sorry I-"

"No, you wanna know? Fine! Let's fucking open that shitty bottle. C'mon let's talk here and now." He pulled Bucky into the alley behind some arty glass bong shop.

"You want to know why I do everything for you? What I trail around you? Why I never leave you the fuck alone? When you fell and I thought you were dead, I was on my own, Buck. Alone. I blamed myself for what happened to you. I thought 'if only I had reached further'. I convinced myself that if I had just tried harder, reached further, done something that maybe I could have stopped what happened. I convinced myself that I could have prevented you from going to the war. I built fantasies around the idea that we could have dodged the draft. But really, I knew you wouldn't have done that, not even for me. And then I moved on and I thought about Azzano. I thought that I could have send you home after you were a POW. I should have made you go home. POWs don't have to finish their tour, but I was too fucking selfish- I wanted to serve and I wanted you with me and I put you in danger because I'm selfish. I knew you would follow me if I asked and I should never have asked! I should have sent you home! But I didn't. And I didn't reach far enough. And then when you came back- God, Buck I wanted so badly for everything to be perfect. I couldn't believe that gotten so lucky to get my best friend back. And knowing that you got out of Hydras control. You freed yourself. You came back to me. I don't doubt your strength- I know you are strong, stronger than me. I know you not going to die from some flirting dame in a cafe. For Christ sake Buck that you survived years of Hyrda and torture-"

His voice cracked and dropped to quiet as he added, "You never should have had to suffer that. I should have been there for you."

"And now," he continued, his volume growing again, "I finally can do something to make it right- to make you happy so you feel comfortable and safe and so you never have to worry again because I care about you Buck. I blamed myself for so long but I know that isn't going to help. I have to do something to show you. I really, really care about you and I trail around you not because I think you'll snap and go back to hydra, or because I think you're incapable of protecting yourself but because you shouldn't have to protect yourself. You always were there for me and you told me that I didn't have to make it on my own and you know what? Neither do you. So yeah, I want to help because even though I know you'll never feel the same, I love you, more than anything in this world and all I've ever done is hurt you and-"

He cut off his rambling, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply, trying to gain composure.

"You were always there for me. And then when you fell, I gave up. I crashed that plane because I couldn't live without you- because I'm selfish. I should have kept looking. I should have found you. You shouldn't have had to go through what you did. I know you're strong, but you don't need to suffer for me to know that, okay? Let me help you. Let me be selfish. Let me do anything I can to ease my conscience for leaving you when you needed me most- for failing you. Please, Buck. Just let me."

He exhaled before continuing.

"If I'm overstepping any boundaries, I'm sorry. Just tell me and I'll stop. I'm sorry for following you out. I'm sorry for making you feel like you couldn't be trusted. I'm sorry for scaring that girl away. Im sorry for all of them. Im sorry for everything, okay? I'm sorry for being so goddamn selfish."

Steve squeezed his eye lids together and took a deep, shakey breath, reminiscent of those he took on cold nights in the 30s when he didn't know which would be his last. On those nights when Bucky insisted on staying up all night to monitor his friends breathing, when he would stay diligently sitting upright on the mattress beside Steve who would only allow Bucky to stay if he promised to sit on the bed and not the freezing floors. Those nights in which Bucky would stroke his friends back and hold him carefully as his hacking coughs threatened to rip his lungs apart. When Steve would press himself closer into his friends arms, arms that gladly wrapped tighter after each coughing fit ended and left a little boy shivering from pain.

Steve opened his eyes to see pitiful concern ridden all over the face of his best friend standing in front of him. He steeled himself, preparing for the rejection of his sly proclamation thrown out in the moment of anger.

"God Steve, Im supposed to be the stupid one." The concern drained and only pity remained in his face.

Steve said nothing.

"You really gunna make me of this?"

He remained unwavering.

Bucky sighed deeply.

"God you're so stubborn," Bucky laughed, barely, but enough to show a hint of amusement. He stepped forward crowding himself into Steve's face. "Of course I feel the same, punk."

Steve sucked in a little breath, what would have been a gasp, if it weren't for two lips pushing on to his own and a metal arm wrapping around his waist.

For a second, Steve was in heaven. He felt the overwhelming presence of everything he told himself he couldn't have being handed to him in the pressure of a mouth against his own. The universe, and more importantly, Bucky, telling Steve that he was loved, wanted, desired. That those intimate moments weren't one sided and that there was hope for a future together.

And then the lips were gone.

"I uh- sorry." Bucky rocked back on his feet, stepping away to create a distance.

Steve stood stone like.

Bucky took his quiet as prompt for explanation. "You said that you loved me and I just thought- but obviously not- sorry." Bucky took another step back.

Suddenly, Steve reared to life. He lunged forward, grabbing Bucky with both his hands on either one of his biceps.

"Wait! I did- I mean, I do- I was just shocked! I do want you- er- Please."

Understanding crossed Buckys face, transforming into a wide smile. He began to lean forward and Steve acted to meet him halfway.

Smiles prevented the kiss from deepening, smiles that remained as Bucky pulled back.

"Well, hey, if you wanna head back to my place-"

Steve rolled his eyes and punched his bests friends arm.

"Jerk."

"Punk."