the darkness casted over the sky rather quickly that night and after the apology game, not many words were exchanged between the boys. it all ended with them separating chan and felix by changbin's request.

minho allowed for changbin, felix, and jisung to all sleep in his room with him, while chan, seungmin, jeongin, and hyunjin would sleep in his guest room.

"so much for the apology game helping us get over our issues..." minho sighed as he laid down in bed beside jisung.

"it was a good idea minho, please don't beat yourself up over this." felix comforted the boy from the air mattress on the floor.

"i just wish it worked out better," minho huffed as he reached behind his head to shut the light, "goodnight everyone."

"goodnight," murmured the rest of the boys.

felix cuddled into changbin as he tried to forget about what chan had admitted. felix was trying his best not to hate chan, but also simultaneously wanted to hate the boy. he was torn between the person chan used to be and who he has become.

the decision wasn't easy on felix. he didn't know whether he could forgive or forget...

~

in the guest room, hyunjin and jeongin knocked out as soon as the lights were turned off. unfortunately for chan and seungmin though, the two of them had a much more difficult time falling asleep.

"chan," seungmin whispered to the boy whose eyes were lightly shut, "are you sleeping?"

"no." chan said before his eyes fluttered open.

"can we talk?" seungmin rested on his side, making direct eye contact with the latter.

"about what?"

"about your apology..."

"seungmin-"

"is that really the person you have become? did you really only care that felix survived his attempt because it meant you didn't kill him?" seungmin asked with watery eyes.

chan inhaled sharply as seungmin asked this, "i'm tired seungmin, just go to sleep."

chan then rolled over onto his side, facing the wall instead of seungmin. it was too hard to talk about, and he severely regretted admitting to it.

"i can't sleep knowing this is the type of person you are now. felix is right, this isn't you. what happened to the dependable, mom friend chan? the one that took care of the all of us and made us feel loved even during the worst times, where is he now?" seungmin said as he aggressively grabbed onto chan and tried to make him look him in the eyes.

"shush seungmin, you're going to wake up jeongin and hyunjin." chan scolded the boy.

"oh now you care about your friends." seungmin rolled his eyes.

"what's that supposed to mean?" chan asked harshly.

"exactly what it sounds like." now seungmin rolled over, not even being able to look at chan.

chan took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. he deserved the harsh words from seungmin, he actually deserved worse than that in his mind. there was just too much pain he had caused in other's lives that he could never take back and never be forgiven for.

chan began to climb over seungmin, grabbing his stuff as he left the room. seungmin then chased after chan, unsure of where the boy would be going so late at night.

"where are you going?" seungmin asked as he tip-toed behind chan, trying his best not to disturb minho's parents or the rest of the sleeping boys.

"i just have to leave," chan stated as he began to walk out the front door, "lock it behind me please."

"no, i'm coming with you." seungmin said as he latched onto chan's hand, gripping on tightly so the latter couldn't shake him off.

"just let me go seungmin." chan pleaded.

"no, if you're leaving, i'm going with you." he said, afraid of what chan would do when given the opportunity to be alone.

"fine, let's go." chan tugged harshly on seungmin's arm, dragging him out the door.

"you're doing this because you don't deserve to be forgiven right?" seungmin asked.

"if you're going to come with me, can you at least be silent?" chan snapped.

"no." seungmin stated bluntly, "i'm too nice to you. do you just not see that? do you not see me working my ass off for you? you really have become such an asshole."

"i know."

"you know what? that you're an asshole... well good, at least you're self-aware." seungmin scoffed, but chan was shaking his head.

"no, i meant i know you're too nice to me. i know you work your ass off for me. i know you like me even though you try your hardest not to, and i know you want to be best friends with felix, but you're so jealous of him it's impossible."

"i-"

"you don't have to respond to that."

"im not jealous of felix..."

"sure you're not." chan rolled his eyes.

"what the fuck is your problem with me? why do you hate me?" seungmin asked as he pushed chan a bit.

"i don't hate you, seungmin." chan said softly as he kept his head down.

"it seems like you do." seungmin frowned as he entangled his fingers with chans once again.

"if i hated you, why would i hold your hand?" chan questioned.

"because i'm forcing you to.."

"no, if i really wanted to i could easily pull away," chan said as he then demonstrated the action, "see... but i don't want to."

seungmin's face then began to heat up as he felt chan pull his hand back towards him, intertwining their fingers once more.

"i wish you would hate me seungmin. it would make everything so much easier." chan sighed.

"make what easier?"

"hating myself. leaving. everything."

"by leaving... you don't mean-"

"no, im not going to kill myself seungmin." chan cut the latter off to say this, "but i would leave the friend group. i would start fresh. i just want to be the person i used to be. i don't know how i got so lost along the way."

"everyone makes mistakes chan." seungmin said to comfort the boy.

"they don't make mistakes that put their best friend in a hospital."

"okay, maybe your mistakes are more severe... but you can still change. you can grow as a person, become better!"

"i want you to be right seungmin, i just don't know if i can grown in the same place that broke me down." chan let out a heavy sigh, one so deep it seemed like his last breath.

he then felt seungmin slowly pulling away from him. seungmins hand slipped out of his and as he kept walking, seungmin didnt.

"then leave." seungmin said sadly as the area around his eyes began to puff up. it was obvious he was holding back tears.

"i plan on it... i think i'm going to go to college in australia." chan admitted.

"wow... so you're really leaving." seungmin said defeatedly, taking a seat on the curb of the road.

"what about you? where are you going to school?" chan asked, plopping himself down beside the latter.

"i was actually thinking of going to the united states, NYU has a pretty good writing program and i was thinking maybe i could do something with that." seungmin explained.

"oh did you get your acceptance letter yet?"

"i did actually... but i figured i would probably stay in korea."

"don't minnie, don't stay here. get out and be free. explore the world, experience new things, you deserve that." chan said, placing his hand on seungmins shoulder.

"i was only staying if you were... foolish of me to follow my high school love wherever he goes." seungmin laughed.

"high school love?"

"yeah, the storybook love that everyone envisions when they date someone in high school... except this love was unrequited. no romance novels would be written to revolve around us." seungmin shrugged as he kicked at the rocks by his feet.

"well you're going into the writing field, why don't you write our love story?" chan proposed half jokingly.

"hm... not a bad idea." seungmin laughed, "so australia is set in stone?"

"it is," chan nodded, "i need to start over again."

"i hope you find what you are looking for there."

"i hope i do too, but more importantly, i hope you find what you're looking for wherever you decide to go." chan watched as seungmin's gaze flicked from his lips back up to his eyes.

"you know how i called you and felix out for having that little kiss..?"

"yeah, of course." chan stifled a small laugh.

"would it be wrong of me to ask for one kiss from you? one that isn't a dare or forced... so only kiss me if you want to." seungmin rambled a bit due to his nerves, "i mean wait- that was stupid. you don't even like me, why would you want to-"

before seungmin could finish his sentence, chan place his hands on either side of the boys face and brought him in close to his own.

it was brief, yet somehow sweet.

chan placed his lips gently onto seungmin's, knowing exactly what it felt like to crave a kiss from one specific person.

he allowed seungmin to lead the way, making sure the boy's wishes would be met. their lips were not fitting together like a lock and key and their were no sparks igniting around them.

there was no prophecy to be fulfilled or a destiny that was written in the stars for them.

instead, their kiss was intoxicating them with the poisonous fumes of unrequited love. chan did not love seungmin back, as much as he wished he did, he wasnt quite their yet, and through the kiss, seungmin could feel the lack of emotion.

"i think i should go back to minho's now," seungmin said softly, slightly dazed from what just happened.

"i think so too," chan stood up, putting his hand out to help the latter to his feet, "come on, i'll walk you there."

and with that, no words needed to be shared over what was felt between the two boys during the kiss.

it was obvious to the both of them seungmin had an undying love for chan, and no matter what seungmin did or does, chan cannot force himself into returning those feelings.

and even though chan may feel something for seungmin, it was not and will never be enough. seungmin loved him more and every relationship ends with the same red flashing signs that show themselves at the beginning...

seungmin would always love chan more.

a.n.

i took sleeping medication and got a little dizzy half way through this but i think i like this chapter (lol imagine this actually sucks and i reread it tomorrow and delete it)

but anyway

we made it to 100 chapters y'all🥲🥲

there's only a few more left!!