"why did you bring me here?" felix asked as tears filled his eyes and the car slowly came to a stop.

"this was the first place you asked me to bring you when we got close... i know it means something to you." changbin explained to the blonde boy who sat their, the water trickling from his eyes seeming to have no end.

there were no sobs escaping felix. no harsh breaths or jagged movements. it was hard to tell if he was even crying because he was sad.

"i-it does mean something to me. you know that." felix sighed as he stared out the window, returning to his most comfortable position. his knees drew to his chest and his cheeks smushed against them as the tears continued to pour out of him.

"i know, bokkie, i know." changbin reached his hand across to hold onto felix's, and the boy reached back, grabbing on for dear life.

"i miss him, changbin." felix admitted as he looked out at the great ocean view. one where the city seemed small and the bridge was illuminated by the sun in the distance.

"i know you do." changbin said softly as he leaned over and planted a soft kiss onto felixs head, "remember what you said to me about this place though, felix?"

felix turned to look at changbin, his sad expression faltering and the confusion showing. felix did not remember, if he did, maybe things would not feel so sad right then.

"come with me, felix." changbin beckoned as he got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side to wait for felix.

felix got up and out of his seat reluctantly, latching on to changbin immediately as he rose to his feet.

the two boys walked in a sorrow filled silence. felix let out soft whimpers as the thoughts of the person he missed most in that moment fled his mind.

"why do you think my father did it?" felix asked changbin curiously, but with pain behind his eyes and a broken tone of voice.

"same reason you wanted to. same reason every who does it chooses to. same reason i wanted to... living is hard, but it doesn't have to be impossible." changbin said as he wrapped his arms around felixs shoulders and sat down on an old wooden bench, decorated with graffiti from other people who have walked this route.

"ever hear of a suicide pact?" felix posed the question as he tried to wipe away his tears.

"i have," changbin giggled, "are we making one of those now?"

"i think we have to. we're so cliché it hurts... but i know you're in pain changbin. i know sometimes the only reason you're here is because of me. i know you're hurting as much as me, if not more at times.

so promise me you won't die by your own hands. promise me you will never ever kill yourself." felix said as he held out his tiny pinky for changbin to intertwine his own with.

"i will only promise that if you, lee felix, promise to never ever take your own life. no matter how hard things get, promise me you'll look for help and that you'll look forward to a better tomorrow." changbin held out his pinky in return and the two boys met eachother half way with sad smiles spreading onto their faces.

"this was the place your parents promise to love eachother until death do them part." changbin finally spoke up, "your dad proposed here."

felix hummed in response, "and now i am promising you i am going to live. i won't be like my father. i cant be like him, i have to live."

"im glad you can finally see that..." changbin said but there was still something off about the way he was speaking and felix was slowly picking up on it.

"say it," felix said adamantly, "say whatever it is that's bothering you. i know there's something."

"we find out about university in a week... we never even talked about where we were applying." changbin admitted shyly, but it had to be mentioned.

felixs expression immediately fell and he felt the world crash onto his shoulders. it was a painful realization.

"don't tell me until you get in. do not stress me out for no reason." felix shook his head vigorously, afraid of how far changbin was willing to go.

"what did you decide to go to school for?" changbin asked.

"i want to be a nurse... i want to be someone like nurse chae, someone that can help a person like my grandmother." felix smiled softly, "what about you?"

"my mom convinced me to pursue my dream of music... so i am going to do exactly that. i will try and make it in the music business, no matter how hard that may be." changbin admitted with a half hearted smile curling onto his lips.

"changbin..."

"don't say it felix." changbin knew what was coming, but he didn't want to hear it anymore than felix wanted to say it.

"okay, fine, i'll save it for next friday. that's the day we find out right?" felix asked and changbin simply nodded in response.

"i love you, bokkie."

"i love you too, changbin." felix rested his head against changbins shoulder and the two boys looked out at the view ahead.

it was hard to accept the reality that was quickly approaching them, but they knew eventually they would have to.

at least for now they could be happy.

for now they would learn how to live.

a.n.

i told the girl that i like that i have feelings for her

she told me she used to have feelings for me but thought i didn't like her so she basically like shut them off in a way:/ it's hard to explain but i understand where she's coming from

it seems impossible for her to like me again which SUCKS because if i had said it sooner then maybe things could be different

AH IT HURTS but good thing i can also just shut off my emotions 😎 so imma do that 🤪🤪