it had been almost a week since felix was first hospitalized. changbin went to visit him every second that he could.

he missed a few days of school in the beginning, but felix's grandmother was finally able to convince him his education was important and felix would still be there when he got done with his school day.

when school did finally come to an end, changbin raced over to the hospital, preparing to do more than just sit there.

changbin always speaks to felix, he always has small little things to say, but nothing major. he talks about his day, the weather, anything random he can think of.

today would be different though. today changbin wouldn't necessarily talk about just himself.

changbin got into the room where felix laid, and say felix's grandmother as she was leaving.

"right on time binnie." she smiled, knowing the time changbin normally would come running into the room.

"binnie... that's what felix calls me." changbin smiled, liking hearing the nickname from felix's grandmother. it was the first person besides felix that he'd allow to call him that.

"he always talks about you," she smiled at changbin.

"even recently?"

"even recently." she assured changbin before exiting the room.

changbin then took his usual seat at felix's bedside, and got ready to speak to him once again.

"hey felix," changbin grabbed onto the boys hand, "i think the other boys are starting to think i'm weird for talking to you. i guess they never read that people in coma's can hear their visitors. i know there's no guarantee you'll remember what i say, but i hope you can remember at least a little something."

changbin then cleared his throat before he began speaking again, "today i thought maybe i should talk to you about something other than just myself. i thought maybe i could talk to you about... well you."

changbin thought for a moment before he continued to speak. even though he wasn't sure if felix was truly listening to him, he still didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"i wanted to remind you of some good times instead of focusing on any negatives right now. one of the best memories i have of you is when we went ice skating together. god i was so bad at it, and you were actually pretty good.

i remember your beautiful laugh every time i fell. i got kind of mad at you for abandoning me at one point, but you came back shortly after to skate with me. i know you just wanted to show off that you could skate and i couldn't.

i was never seriously mad at you of course. i don't even remember a time where i really got mad at you. especially not with something as lighthearted as laughing at me when i busted my ass ice skating.

i wonder if you remember that day...

it was before we started dating. it was when you and i just started to get really really close. i knew i liked you already at this point, but i'm not sure if you liked me yet.

you seemed so happy that day, but i know now that you're a really good actor so i'm not sure if that happiness was real or not. i hope it was real.

anyway, yeah... it was a great day.

my favorite part was when you held my hand to help me skate around, i didn't let you go once you started to hold on to me. you kept telling me to, but i refused. eventually you gave in, and i said i liked holding your hand. the look on your face was priceless.

you had wide eyes and a slight smile, but your cheeks were so red. i couldn't help but laugh a bit. you didn't say anything though. you knew if you asked why i was laughing i would say it was because you were blushing.

i wonder if that's the day you realized you liked me too. i wonder a lot of things...

i wonder why i made us share a churro that day... that was a bit pathetic wasn't it? so cringey for us to each take a bite of the ends of the churro... why couldn't we just eat normally?" changbin shuddered as he said this.

"ah i still have nightmares about it... but it did lead to something kind of amazing.

i told you your eyes were beautiful, and i liked how your freckles were placed perfectly across your cheeks. it was the first time i really got that close to your face. so i guess the cringey churro move was worth it.

i wish i kissed you that night. that would've made everything so much better, but all the guys were already teasing us and yelling at us to kiss so if i did it then, it would seem like i was doing it for them and not us.

i wanted our first kiss to be for us.

i guess it's obvious i still love you since i'm bringing up something that we honestly should've just called a date since it practically was...

do you like me bringing up our past? i mean the happy memories of course... i don't want to bring up any negatives anymore.

i wish i knew what you were thinking. i wish i knew if what i am saying is hurting you or helping you. i wish you were awake... i miss you felix, i really really miss you." changbin rested his head on felix's bed and felt tears well in his eyes.

he meant every word he said to felix, and thinking back to happier times only made changbin's heart break more. he wished he could have back the simplicity of everything before he dated felix.

yet at the same time, changbin does not regret dating felix. he can't regret dating someone he once was the last remaining bit of his happiness.

if it weren't for felix, changbin seriously wonders where he would be... if he would even still be alive.

a.n.

ugh this chapter sucks i'm so sorry