"felix, felix are you in here?" felix's grandmother's nurse called out.

"yes, i'm here!" felix said as he quickly dried his tears and sat up on his bed, uncovering his face from underneath his blankets.

"your grandmother is getting worse... as i'm sure you've noticed. i'm going to take her for a walk and see if the fresh air helps her at all, okay?" the nurse said.

"okay, see you guys soon." felix smiled a fake smile, one that was way too easy to notice.

"are you alright? have you been crying?" she asked.

"i'm fine, just worried about my mimi." felix frowned.

"i'm sorry this is happening to you felix. do you have any plans on where to go after she passes?"

"probably back with my mom in australia..."

"i'm sorry you probably won't be able to finish high school here."

"that's the last of my worries right now. just go, i'm sure my mimi would love to go for a walk." felix smiled halfheartedly and the nurse flashed one back.

felix then laid down on his bed, his thoughts beginning to drown him.

felix already knew his grandmother was dying, but this was just a bit sooner than he would've liked. felix also knew his mom was absent from his life, and now his friends were starting to fade along with everything else.

one by one he had lost them, and the last person he ever expected to lose, hurt him the most.

chan.

maybe what hurt more though was what chan said.

he attacked felix with the truth, but a far harsher truth than felix needed to hear in that moment.

felix felt selfish, way too selfish. it's why he never spoke about his feelings in the first place. he thought speaking about them, but burdening others was the most selfish act of all.

felix wished he could call changbin. he knew that was the one person who would be able to help felix. felix missed the relationship they used to have now more than ever.

felix used to constantly wonder where it all went wrong, how changbin could've appeared fine and then just completely switch and end things... but then he realized it was his fault.

he blames himself, felix feels as though he is not good enough and has felt this way for far too long. felix realized his mistake was running to chan all the time instead of changbin.

felix was running out of hope. he was running out of reasons to stay alive.

he needed a sign that this should not be the end of his story. a text, a phone call, an email, even a knock at his bedroom door would suffice, but he received nothing.

felix grabbed some sheets and began twisting and tying to make his escape out of this dreadful world. he then stared at his creating and contemplated his next move.

felix's hands began to shake as the tears poured from his eyes. he grabbed his phone, looking one last time for a sign, a way out.

but he had none.

chan was right, everyone was gone. felix knew no one was coming to save him now.

he stared at the blank lock screen, containing no notifications. he then opened up his messages, texting in the group chat for his final time.

love you guys, thank you for everything

no one saw the message, no one responded. felix powered off his phone, feeling his heart rate quicken and his palms began to sweat.

his hands shook violently as he dragged over his desk chair to beneath his ceiling fan. he stood up on it, tying his noose to the fan and collapsed down on to the chair afterward.

he sobbed uncontrollably into his hands, being afraid of what was going to happen. felix was not scared of dying though, instead, his worst nightmare would be surviving.

that's why he chose this as his way out, he so desperately wanted it to work.

he looked over at his alarm clock, the time reading just a little after three in the afternoon. he thought he had an hour before his grandmother would return home with her aid from their walk.

felix dried his tears, taking a deep breath as he stood up onto the chair.

just do it felix... changbin doesn't love you anymore... he probably never did.

he's off with hyunjin now. hyunjin is better than you will ever be... even jeongin chose hyunjin over you.

and jisung... jisung would always choose minho over you.

chan and seungmin both wouldn't choose you now.

no one would pick you as their first choice.

you're lucky if you're a second choice or even a third... there will always be someone better than you, someone more important.

you'd be lucky if you mattered at all, but you don't.

can't you see none of your friends even like you? no one gives two fucks what happens to you.

they you.

do yourself and everyone around you a favor and just kill yourself.

"STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD!" felix shouted out loud, knowing he was the only one messing with his head.

he wanted this to all be over.

his anxiety was like a parasite that stuck around only to suck the life out of him. it was as if a demon took sanctuary inside his thoughts, thriving off of felix's demise.

he needed the thoughts to end, and the only way out was this one...

felix slid into his noose as he took one last deep breath.

"one step and it will all be over..." felix said to himself softly as he shut his eyes, kicking down the chair, allowing the noose to tighten, and his oxygen to be cut off.

he would finally have peace.

it would finally be over.

a.n.

"felix felt selfish, way too selfish. it's why he never spoke about his feelings in the first place. he thought speaking about them, butburdening others was the most selfish act of all."

funny how i wrote this chapter like a month ago and i just had argument about this with my parents tonight! super fun times /s

anyway...

you are loved.

i love you all, i promise that

and if you ever need proof, just private message me

wattpad sucks so i may not see it right away, but i will see it eventually and i will respond!