the end of the day came at an insufferably slow pace. felix had been dying to talk to changbin ever since lunch when minho set them all straight.

felix wanted the same as minho, he wanted to fix his relationships within the group. the main one he was concerned with though was changbin, it would always be changbin.

he walked up to the boys locker after school, and made sure to catch him before he left for the day.

"hey changbin," felix said, startling the latter a bit, "can we talk?"

"i have nothing to say to you." changbin stated bluntly.

"well then can i talk and you just listen?" felix questioned, but changbin just shot him a cold look before walking away.

"changbin wait," felix called out, "it's about what minho said at lunch."

"what about it?" changbin questioned, but he didn't really seem like he wanted a response.

"i want to make things right between us." felix said shyly.

"how do you plan on doing that?" changbin questioned.

"i realized i hurt you when-"

"stop felix, you didn't hurt me. i've heard enough of your bullshit."

"i did hurt you, i know i did. i know i pushed you away, so far away you ended up in hyunjin's arms instead of mine."

"felix, stop."

"no, i can't. i need you in my life changbin. i'm sorry for hurting you, i'm so sor-"

"I SAID STOP!" changbin shouted at the boy, catching everyone else's attention.

"stop lying to yourself felix. i hurt you, not the other way around. just leave me alone, please." changbin pleaded before storming off, and felix was left heart broken once again.

felix walked out of the building, tears welling in his eyes, threatening to fall. he picked up his phone, only having one person in mind to help him.

he pressed on the contact and began calling the number. it rang and rang, and felix began to think it would go to voice mail. last second though, a voice did answer.

"hello?"

"jeongin, hey..." felix said with a shaky voice.

"what's up lix?" jeongin asked cheerfully, but as he said this, felix heard some mumbling in the background and a "sh," from jeongin.

"oh, are you with someone?" felix asked with a bit of disappointment.

"ummm yeah, sorry that was uh- that was my mom." jeongin said nerously.

"oh, are you busy then?" felix questioned.

"kind of, did you need me for something?"

"just wanted to hangout..."

"well maybe tomorrow then, okay lix?" jeongin suggested and felix just hummed in response.

"great, talk to you later, bye!" jeongin then hung up the call before felix could even respond.

as felix continued his walk home, he looked over at his school parking lot and saw two very familiar faces. one being jeongin's, and beside him was hyunjin.

the two boys were laughing together as they hopped into hyunjin's car. felix couldn't help but wonder what could make jeongin lie to him about something like that.

felix got home and immediately felt his body crash. he gave up on himself upon making it to his bed, and the tears began to pour out of him.

he had lost changbin, jeongin lied to him, and their friend group was a complete mess. felix never felt so alone.

he decided to drag himself off of his bed and into his bathroom. felix stared in the mirror at his reflection, hating the creature that was looking back at him.

"who even are you?" felix asked as he slapped his hands onto his cheeks and pulled down on his skin, "how did i become this?"

//tw// self harm/suicidal thoughts

the more felix stared into the mirror, the more he hated his reflection. he had enough of staring at the monster and decided to raise his fist and punch the mirror. it shattered all over his hand and bathroom sink.

he stared at the blood trickling down his knuckles, yet it did not phase him. this is what it feels like to be completely numb, felix thought to himself.

he stared at himself in the now broken mirror and saw an even more distorted image of himself. why am i still here? felix wondered as the tears continued to stream down his cheeks.

felix grabbed one of the large glass shards and raised it in his hand, the edges of it cutting into felix's palm, yet he still didn't feel it.

i just want to feel something, anything... anything but this, felix thought in reference to the pain of feeling alone caused him, maybe if i just...

felix's thoughts stopped as he brought the glass shard to his wrist. he pressed it down without dragging, contemplating his next move.

harming himself didn't feel like it was enough anymore. he wanted to do more than that. he wanted to stop existing all together.

as felix went to drag the glass across the pulse he felt in his wrist, his phone began going off. felix snapped out of his dark thoughts and looked over at his phone. the name that lit up the screen was the one he needed the most in that moment, 'chan.'

felix's tears come flooding back down like waterfalls, and he put the glass shard down instead of going through with more harm.

there was a slight drop of blood that began to drip from his wrist, but it wasn't enough to truly hurt him. he quickly put a band-aid over it before rushing over to his phone.

felix read the text from chan, "thought you would like this," and attached was a picture of a stray kitten that was eating food chan had left out for it.

felix's bottom lip stuck out in a pout as his tears blurred his vision. i still have chan... i'm not alone. i can survive. i can beat this. felix convinced himself as he then put down his phone and began cleaning up the mess he made in his bathroom.

all felix needed to know was that someone was still there for him. someone still thought about him and cared for him, that's all he needed to continue to fight to stay alive, and that's exactly what chan's simple message provided for him.

a reminder that he is not truly alone.

a.n.

i'm sorry if this was too graphic or like way too triggering...

if any of you are feeling like this please feel free to message me

none of you are alone, i promise you that

i love each and every one of you, thank you for reading this! also, i am proud of you for waking up today. i'm proud of you for eating, drinking, breathing. i'm proud of you for being here