changbin got home from his fight with felix hoping for one of his parents to be home so he would have a reason not to spiral. he felt himself losing control, and it was happening quickly.

the last time he lost control like this was after his sister died, he didn't know how to handle the pain and he wound up doing something very regretful.

he tore up her room, dumping things out the window, trying to get rid of every last reminder of her.

when changbin finally lets himself feel, he loses himself in the process. it's the buildup of everything he tries to keep buried finally surfacing that really causes him to snap.

changbin searched his home for his mom or dad, but neither one appeared to be home. this sent changbin into a further spiral.

he had no excuse to hold it in, no one to stop him from breaking down in ways he promised himself he never would again.

he walked into his bedroom, tugging at his hair as the tears dared to fall from his eyes. he had let felix go, but why didn't he feel any better? why did he feel worse?

changbin knew he was still in love with felix, but he also knew... or at least thought... he was doing what was best for the boy.

he had always heard the saying, "if you love something, set it free," so that's what he did. he sent felix free.

but without felix, changbin didn't know who he was anymore. it was the most painful thing for him to admit, but it was true.

he felt lost without the boy in his life, and now it was his fault that they'd have to walk away from one another.

changbin sat on his bed, rocking back and forth, continuing to tug at his hair as the tears poured down from his eyes like waterfalls.

changbin was used to shoving his feelings aside to help felix. it helped him to help felix. it made him feel like he was worthy of being alive.

after everything that happened with changbin's sister, changbin didn't feel like living anymore. he was so young when it happened, yet the feelings it evoked were far beyond any that a child should feel.

changbin felt guilty for being alive when he felt like he ruined the lives of everyone around him. he ruined his parents by not being his sister, he ruined his sister by not saving her, he ruined felix by loving him and then leaving him, and now he was ruining himself.

changbin never felt alive after his sister passed away until felix stepped into his life. felix reminded changbin of his own sister. felix was innocent, caring, too nice for his own good, he was inspiring and supportive. he had all the same best qualities that ryujin had.

changbin hated and loved that reminder at the same time. it made it so easy to love felix, but so hard to let him go.

changbin looked over at his keyboard piano and the lyric sheets that rested on top of it. this was something he hadn't touch, nor paid any attention to in months.

changbin stood up, his legs shaking as he walked, and he stared down at the music he wrote. majority of the songs were about felix.

the more changbin stared at them, the more his chest began to tighten, and the more the air began to thin. his tears became thicker and his sobs heavier.

changbin couldn't stand any reminders of felix, the same way he couldn't stand the reminders of ryujin.

he began tearing up the lyric sheets. ripping them to shreds with his bare hands, not caring about how he'd feel about this later on. the music he wrote meant nothing without felix.

when tearing up the sheets wasn't enough, flipping the keyboard became the next course of action. when flipping it over wasn't enough, throwing it was his next option.

changbin watched as his shelves shook upon the contact of the keyboard to the wall. there was now a dent from where it hit, and all of changbin's trophies and other tokens of memorabilia were coming crashing to the ground off of his shelves.

it still wasn't enough.

he grabbed the remainder of the torn up sheets and the now broken keyboard piano and took it outside. he dumped the keyboard at the curb for the garbage men to take care of the following morning, and as for the music sheets... he had other plans for those.

changbin opened up his small outdoor fireplace, some old wood being left in there from the last time it was used.

changbin tossed the torn up sheets into the fire pit, dumping lighting fluid onto the paper and wood, and taking a small hand lighter out of his pocket to finish up the job.

he needed to cut all ties with felix to forget him, and this was the first step.

a.n.

i hate you bboiiiiiiii for making me feel things

that's rude

YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE ME SMILE AND BLUSH LIKE THAT

IT'S RUDE

QUIT IT

I'M TRYING TO WRITE BUT I STILL WANNA FACETIME YOU AND YOU MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO FOCUS