as felix laid there awkwardly beside changbin, he couldn't help but feel like the silence was suffocating him. his eyes were wide open and staring at the ceiling while he felt changbin's eyes on him.

"not tired?" changbin finally spoke up causing felix to release a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"no, are you?" felix asked as he turned on his side to face changbin.

"not really." changbin shrugged.

"are you sobering up?" felix questioned.

"not really," changbin laughed, "slowly i am though... just still pretty drunk right now."

"oh," felix nodded, "why did you want me to stay?"

"i miss having you around me." changbin stated.

"then you shouldn't have broken up with me." felix said sternly.

"i know." felix's eyes widened as he heard these words escape changbin's lips, he knows?

"then why'd you do it?" felix questioned.

"i don't really want to talk about it felix." changbin sighed.

"fine," felix dropped the topic for now and decided to question changbin on something else, "why did jisung tell me you never really liked hyunjin?"

"i don't know, why did he tell you that?"

"i'm asking you."

"well i don't know why he would say that." changbin shrugged as he rolled onto his back, breaking eye contact with felix.

"he said hyunjin told him that. did you tell that to hyunjin?" felix asked, leaving out the rest of what jisung told him until he got the truth out of changbin.

"yeah, i did." changbin let out another sigh, "i told him i realized i never truly had feelings for him. that doesn't change the fact that i thought i did."

"you're right, it doesn't change that." felix agreed.

"are you doing okay lix?" changbin asked, beginning to face the boy again.

"i'm okay." felix responded simply.

"i don't mean just right now, i mean always."

"i'm okay." he repeated.

"that's exactly how i know you're not." changbin reached up his hand to cup felix's face, "i miss your genuine smile. i see it sometimes when you're with jeongin. truthfully it makes me a little jealous."

"jealous? you get jealous?" felix questioned.

"let's just blame it on the alcohol." changbin pulled his hand away, realizing what he was doing.

"i was hardly with innie tonight. you can't blame the jealousy on the alcohol." felix stated with furrowed eyebrows.

"i can blame my words on the alcohol though."

"drunk words are sober thoughts."

"maybe," changbin nodded, "do you believe that though?"

"i want to, but i don't understand you at all." felix said honestly speaking.

"what don't you understand?"

"all of it. the breakup, the stuff with hyunjin, you feeling jealous... the stuff jisung told me... it doesn't make sense." felix said, getting more and more frustrated.

"tell me everything then, maybe i can help." changbin suggested, noticing how worked up felix was getting.

"jisung told me you said to hyunjin that you realized he was just a distraction from me, you never had genuine feelings for him. so if that's the case, why did you breakup with me? and if you claim to not have feelings for me anymore then why does jeongin make you feel jealous? and why were you and chan apparently fighting over me while i was in the hospital?"

"you want me to answer all of those?" changbin asked the boy.

"depends, will the answers hurt me?" felix asked.

"i'll answer the ones that won't," changbin started, "i broke up with you because it's not good for my eyes to wander when in a relationship. it made me feel guilty for finding hyunjin attractive. i'm jealous of jeongin because i'm used to being the one who makes you smile like that, but i guess that actually changed a long time ago. chan and i fought over who knew you better. he blames me for your pain and... and i understand why he would."

"you answered all of them..."

"i left out details that would hurt you."

"telling me that also hurts me."

"i know," changbin frowned, "i'm sorry bokkie."

"i'm sorry too."

"why're you sorry?"

"i'm sorry for loving you even though i know you can't return the feelings." felix said as his bottom lip quivered. changbin's gaze softened as he looked at the boy, hating every moment he spent pretending like he wasn't in love with felix.

changbin had convinced himself felix was better off without him, and everything chan keeps saying to him makes him believe that more. as he laid there in bed with felix, he realized all he continues to do is hurt the boy, no matter how hard he tries not to.

"we should sleep." changbin said as he rolled over, feeling the tears well up in his eyes.

"i guess we should." felix agreed, facing the opposite way of the boy.

changbin hated how uncomfortable the room now felt. he slowly turned his body over and stared at felix, his eyes lightly shut and his lips slightly pouting.

changbin hesitantly draped his arms over felix, pulling the boy impossibly close to himself. felix's eyes shot open at the sudden touch.

"what're you doing?" felix questioned.

"one last night, i need to make the most of it." changbin stated, making no sense to felix. felix brushed it off, convincing himself everything that happened that night was because changbin was drunk.

felix was so afraid of getting hurt again, he denied any possibility that changbin still had feelings for him. he just laid there trying to pretend that in the moment everything was okay, even though it was their one last night...

a.n.

man i'm so so anxious and sad gfhajklmd

it's okay though skz are live so i'll go focus on that:')