changbin laid in his bed as he waited for his mom and dad to get home from work. he hated what happened earlier in the day with felix.

he knew he was hurting the boy, yet he continued to do it.

in changbins mind, chan is better suited for felix. the entirety of their relationship, changbin watched chan make felix happy.

changbin was never able to be the one to make felix happy. at least he didn't think he was.

changbin had promised to save felix the day he met him. he knew felix seemed off and once he found out the boys story, he became determined to help him.

maybe if changbin didn't have such a savior complex they wouldn't be in this position...

but regardless, changbin meant well.

he wanted to help felix, just like he wanted to help ryujin.

"mommy... i don't feel well." ryujin complained to our mom over and over again for the past few days.

finally, my mom had enough of her complaints and decided to take her to the hospital. ryujin was so scared of going that she tried avoiding it as much as possible, but my mom couldn't just sit there and do nothing anymore.

they left me at home with my dad, expecting to be back later in the night or the next day at most.

however, one day turned into two and two turned into three and three turned into months of hospitalization.

it took them two months to tell me ryujin was dying.

"changbin," my dad started as he and my mom sat me down at one the couch, "we need to talk to you about ryujin."

"is she coming home? is she finally better? did the surgery work?" i asked eagerly awaiting their answer.

i watched my mom begin to sob and my dad frowned as he placed his hand on my shoulder.

"the tumor spread changbin... they couldn't remove it." my father said to me weakly.

i remember staring at him in shock. i was eleven and ryujin was only eight. i promised her the day of her surgery that i would save her... i

"no... no... there has to be something the doctors can do." i said as i felt the tears prick at my eyes. i didn't want them to fall, i wanted to be strong.

"changbin honey, she only has a little while left. you should come to the hospital with us and spend time with her." my mom suggested as she held my hand and tried to walk me out the door, but i shook her off.

"no! i'm going to find a cure, i promised i would save her!" i shouted at them before running off to my bedroom and locking myself in.

i immediately turned on my computer

and began typing away furiously at the keyboard.

i was too young to understand what most of the words i was reading meant. i was too young to save ryujin, too naive.

if it was now... i would've just spent ever last waking moment with her... but now i can't go back. i lost her and never said goodbye.

i know i hurt her by not visiting her and i can never forgive myself for that.

i wanted to save her, but instead i killed part of myself in the process.

"changbin honey," changbins mom called out as she entered the home, snapping changbin out of his thoughts.

"yeah mom?" changbin called back as he walked out of his room, wiping away the stray tears he didn't even realize were falling.

"you look upset, did something happen?" she asked worriedly.

"i was just thinking." changbin admitted honestly.

"about ryujin again?" she knew him too well, she knew what changbin was going through. she knew the war inside his mind was a treacherous place.

"um... yeah kind of." changbin nodded with a frown.

"and felix im assuming?" when those words left her lips changbin's eyes snapped up to look at her.

"honey, why did you break up with him?" changbins mother asked. her voice was sweet and comforting.

"i wasn't good enough for him."

"that's what you said about yourself when ryujin died. bin, you can't keep doing this self sabotaging thing that you've done all your life. allow yourself to be happy for once." she said as she brought her son into a hug.

"i am happy."

"no youre not, and it breaks my heart. i wish you could see yourself the way felix and ryujin see you." those words struck changbin hard. he felt the tears fall once more, but this time there was no stopping them.

he lied to himself and claimed he didn't know why he was crying, but his mom knew all too well that it was because he had lost another person do to his own ways.

he pushed away ryujin at a time she needed him most and now he was doing the same to felix.

changbin had this need to cure people, but there was no cure for ryujins cancer and there is no cure for felixs mental illness...

there's only time, and time heals.

a.n.

i forgot to show y'all my new kitten

her name is luna 🥰